Today is irfan's p1 orientation and next week is his year end concert. I must have said this a thousand times but time flies and next year he will be entering formal education.
I dread the year when he will be sitting for his PSLE. A child's worth is not and should not be how well he scores but we have no other way to think but that, because like it or not, how he does for PSLE has some part in his future.
Having a son in p1, I have now, a new found perspective of being a teacher. I now understand better how big a parent's hope for a child is. How they worry about how the child will fit into the new environment, how they hope the child will pick the right values and skills. I, as a teacher is the sole agent in the class who will shape these children's developments, whose parents' hopes are as big as mine.
Of course, I've always known that but never actually felt it as much I do now.
As much as I hope irfan gets a great teacher, I hope I can be that fantastic teacher who can impart nothing but wonderful values n skills on another parent's child.
I hope I will not let anyone down.



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The beginning of change:)

Im so happy.
In the work front, things will be different compared to the past 6 years.
Im in need of change so Im excited because this change has just been confirmed!

Im not getting a promotion. It's just a lateral move from one position to another but Im already excited about embarking on this new journey. No fear at all.
Some say I'm 'depromoting' myself but I dont really bother because I know my heart is longer in there.
Im in this teaching business for the long haul so I need to constantly develop myself. I cant do something I dread every day of my 30 something remaining years in my profession.

I cleared the interview just now and im excited about my plans for next year. I will be doing something I like, something I have been wanting to do but shelving these ideas because of the lack of time. In my eyes, it's important, it's something I know I feel strongly about although it might not seem important to some.

Honestly, I dont know how many of my plans will actually materialise but I like this excitement Im feeling as compared to dragging my feet everyday, doing the same old thing.

The last business I have to complete before I clear my table is to submit the award application and then Im done!!!!!!! I cant wait to clear my table and move...I cant wait!! :)

To 2012, may it be a wonderful year, one with no less challenges but with greater satisfaction and excitement:)

2 piece band

2 piece band. The drummer and the guitarist. You can't see the chopsticks in her hand as she was busy banging them away. As much as I want to scream Be Quiet, I stayed calm and took out the phone n capture the moment instead.




While they rock the house down, I had a good test run on my new found patience..
And realized I had to work harder at it.

I subtly moved to another room. But it didn't take long for them to realize that their one and only audience was gone. So they packed their set and moved to the next room too!




They set up their gadgets and started rockin again! Oh the noise, but of course I stayed calm and took a picture.

After all that heartfelt screaming shouting n banging, I just hope I won't fail my next hearing test!

Anyway, I know all these would be part of their childhood memories which they will remember fondly when they r older. So for that, even though I'm probably going deaf, I can't possibly take that away from them.

So rock on, babies!!!



Peace out!! (heh)

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Colourless and gone

Should I be thankful?
Or keep looking and not settle?

The rain tonite is perfect company to my melancholy. It's just depressingly perfect.

No outward appearance can divulge the contents of a buried piece. Everyone sees a perfect life. Oh but how wrong can they be! The body is empty, void of colour and life. There's just silence and it's sad that no one can hear the silence.

No one sees what's beneath, no one bothers. It's frustrating to be walking beside the living dead. And so no one sieves the frustrations n sees the reason of the living being dead.

Until it's too late that is.
Until it's too late...

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Final escape

I need an escape route. Just tell me where to go.
Tell me in what form so that I can recognize it.

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Of trials and tribulations

By the way, here's the full story of the sweet lil 6 year old girl who succumbed to cancer.
ourfiestyprincess.blogspot
Painful.

Haiz, overall been a depressing past few weeks all around. Sometimes hope is the only thing you've got and what do u do when it is not enough anymore? When hope lets u down again n again. Do u give up believing or trudge on and put yourself out there again for another disappointment?

As a person born and raised with a religious faith, we believe HE knows best, that HE knows what is in store no matter how dire or depressing the situation may be. No matter how painful the situation you are facing. You are raised to believe that everything happens for a reason and never to question the reason for only HE has the answers.

But when bad things start happening to me or people around me, I am ashamed to admit that at times, this belief and faith are somewhat shaken. I hate it when there's nothing i can do except to just stand around. And try to make things better with nothing more than mere words. It's not enough.

Sometimes, at my lowest low, I wonder, I question and then I feel guilty. The rational mind has been trained that things should be fair, that good things happen to good people, that a good deed will be met with another, that a prayer will be answered, that if u just try hard enough, you will get what u want.

But alas, thats not true all the time. And when that doesn't happen, the human mind starts to question, wonder and draws all sorts of emotions. When emotions get into the picture, the mind becomes irrational.

Although I feel guilty for all my doubts in my brink of depression, I am also aware that I am only human with a mind that has limited comprehension, that is myopic, that can only see the here and now. For that brief moment when I doubt, I m thankful to always find deep in me, a strong sense of faith still there, still intact. I suppose it's always there for all of us to reach deep into when we reach a certain threshold of emotional pain that the rational mind cant grapple with.

And no matter what the outcome may be, how painful and undeserving the situation may seem, the strong sense of faith helps to "teach" the human mind to rationalise, to understand and "teach" the heart to let go and free the pain.

And one thing ive learnt again again is that when things go out of control, falls through a carefully laid out plan, it only serves as a reminder, that as humans we cannot control everything. And that there's just things we cannot do no matter how much we want them. We have the power to do so many things and yet we are powerless.

For those who believe that there is greater power who commands "Be! and It is!, then it's perhaps easier to reach out to the faith deep within, for we believe that what we can't see does not mean it's not there.

Hoping tomorrow will be better, for all of us who are down in the pits, who have lost someone we love, no matter how lil that being may be. Come what may, trials n tribulations, we will trudge on for the human spirit is made stronger than we think.

But hey, who am I to say, I have not even gone through half of what these brave souls have.

HOPE, pls don't let us down.

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Not for keeps

Yesterday, a 6 year old girl I didn't know passed on after battling mean neuroblastoma for 2 and a half years.

It was a painful journey for her tiny body and an unimaginable emotional torture for her mummy.
She has an older brother who is also coping with the loss of his beloved sister.

I cannot even begin to imagine or understand the pain of chemotherapy, the pain of watching your lil girl go through chemotherapy and then after fighting so hard, having to cope with her loss.

I cannot even begin to imagine without almost shedding a tear myself.

And she is definitely not the only one. Yes, there's a silver lining in everything, yes, everything happens for a reason, yes, she is at a better place, yes, god loves her more, yes everyone dies. But knowing that doesn't stop one from the emotional torture of longing for your lil daughter, knowing that you can never see her smile, hear her voice or hug her ever again.

It's an emotional turmoil of an unimaginable level. For this one,
one has probably no choice but to muster all the strength to continue living each day at a time. To all those strong souls out there, I admire you for not giving up living because I'm sure dying might seem like a better choice than missing your lil child's sweet smile.

Rest in peace, lil one.
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Just the 3 of us

Lazy lazy Saturday. Alim is away taking his pupils on a camp to Bintan till Tuesday..it's raining so beautifully outside, Alisha is taking her afternoon nap and I'm under the sheets since an hour ago. Lovely Saturday.

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If only u tried to understand.

First point-
When there's no clarification, explanation, there will be assumptions.
And that is NOT an assumption!

When there's assumptions, there will be misunderstandings.
When there's musunderstandings, there will be unhappiness.
If u are unhappy reading the statements above, then you have indeed misunderstood due to an assumption on your part.
Because this entry neither explains nor clarifies.

Comprehendo? No? Oh well, don't bother!

Second point. It's in your hands to make two parties you know get along with each other. If they don't, then it's totally poor effort from your part. You did not try hard enough to talk about one person to another. Instead, you keep mum about information from each other.

You withhold so much info, that in the end, these two pple just don't bother to get along with each other anymore!

Either that or point one will hold true.
Comprehendo? No?
Oh why bother! It has been going on forever!


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We will be ok

Something that one take for granted,
can be another person's dream come true.

Like smooth, scar free pair of legs,
silky smooth hair,
a branded bag,
perfect health,
stash of cash,

a life partner,

Or

a little one to call your own.

I suppose it's the emotions that make us human,
emotions that can come in overwhelming waves..
Ride through them and trust that we will be ok.

We WILL be ok. We will be O.K.

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Precious saturday

Bad start to a lovely sat morning. Some pple just have a way of making u "throw that roti prata against the wall" (inside story to be told at another time) 20 years on n some things still don't change.

I hope the rest of the day will be peaaachhhyyyyyy.


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Pink frenzy!

If u dont already know, Currently she's obsessed with pink. From her insistence on wearing pink panties to secretly painting her nails with pink magic pen. Every day we will clean it off only to find her nails pink again the following day. I've told her it looks dirty and ugly, she insisted it was pretty and pink. But she never admitted to painting it with magic pen. So I hid the pink magic pen. She never asked.

Well basically it could be pink anything. When it coMes to food, she will always get strawberry flavoured stuff.. Doesn't take a genius to figure out why. So it's strawberry ice cream, strawberry flavoured sweet, strawberry milk etc. I sometimes wonder if she really likes strawberry flavour in the first place.

The fact that she has an older brother she is very close to doesn't seem to dilute her "pinkiness". In fact she kind of "girly-fied" everything boyish she learnt from irfan.

this morning was a fine example. irfan and I had a conversation abt cars when the pink obsessed lil makcik invited herself to the conversation.

Irfan: ibu, do you know that a Bugatti Veyron can go very fast?
Maybe faster than a Ferrari!

Ibu: is it? (although i seriously dunno how a Bugatti Veyron looks like!) My favourite car is still the mini

Alisha: ibu, do you know that my favourite car is a pink LAMBORGHINI!

Pink lamborghini???!!! My jaw dropped. Mana ajer dia dengar! My bet is irfan must have talked about the different kinds of cars with her. I don't really know how a lamborghini exactly looks like so I made her repeat it twice n then I googled 'pink lamborghini' and here's what I found:




Wah sey!!!!!! There is indeed a pink lamborghini! I oso want!!

The next time any 2 year old girl says her favourite car is a pink high speed sports car, most likely she has a big brother:)

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I wish upon a star

I wish upon a star
That a sleeping giant will wake
to see the pleas of a tiny being
who has always encouraged his slumber

I wish upon a star
That a good deed be recognised
That a good moment be rejoiced
In the name of someone you love

I wish upon a star
That a sacrifice be made
For HIM, above anyone else
For a wife who has always been there

I wish upon a star
That one's dream may come true
For only if HE wills,
the hopeful can be there,
InsyaAllah

Learning not to regret, knowing that the paths are laid for reasons greater than our limited comprehension.

Irfan turns 6!

Happy 6th birthday my dear boy. Words just cannot describe how much I love you.

Thank you for being easygoing, for always making me feel special, for trying to make me smile when I'm down, for listening to my every request, for making doa for me in your prayer. And for thinking the world of me even though i don't cook for you everyday, feed you like a mother is supposed to.

Thank you for teaching me to love sooo much till my heart aches when I c u unwell, upset or disappointed.

I hope I won't be of too much trouble when I'm old and senile. It has been nothing but joy, being your mummy.

May HE grant you a blessed life ahead of you.

I love you forever and ever...



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Social retreat

Feeling emo. The playlist says it all. Listening to padi and it's indonesian likes, relishing the depressing tunes and the equally depressing lyrics.

Some days, i just have to retreat to my days of freedom. So free, that I could bask myself in depressing music and truly enjoy it. In a room, meant for me and only my thoughts, nothing stands in the way except probably a pile of readings and notes scattered around my room. Music filled my head, filled the emptiness of my room and set me straightaway to the mood I intend to be in. That was that. That was life when my only responsibility was to aim for that mortar board and an ugly oversized gown.

Now what's left is the playlist and I could almost feel how it was. But not quite. Never the same.

There is no rhyme or reason for a mood like this. At least not one Im am aware of. Perhaps it's just timely, a much needed retreat for me, from all the overwhelming social raya gatherings, coz I am perhaps more of an anti-social, more so than I think.

Now, excuse me while I bask in depressing music, accompanied by my anti-social mind. What I need now, is for it to rain. Then it will be a perfect night.

Riuh Raya 2011

The baju mak nenek we bought at Geylang for $28. It's so much cheaper then having it tailor -made. It didnt fit perfectly but with that price, Im not complaining.

New bangs and baju mak nenek. She looks like a miniature makcik, I cannot tahan. In this picture, she looks like she has earrings but she doesnt. No hole, pun. 

Makan kuih. Her favourite thing to do- take a small bite and put the kuih back inside.

Irfan's favourite boy cousin. Hopefully they can meet more often.

Alisha's favourite cousin, Qistina. She wakes up in the middle of the night and looks for Qistina.

Raya Hazard. He fell, cut his lips in 3 different ways, which resulted in 3 ulcers. His upper teeth became shaky and his gums became swollen and bled non-stop. Tapi Raya tetap Raya!

 We jalan and jalan till I lost track of where we have gone. Alisha had a perpetual smile on her face the moment she spots a camera.

Poses arranged by boring adults. Sit, smile, snap!

Poses as intstructed by Irfan, gamely followed by his parents and the lil mak cik.

Poses as instructed by Irfan and Alisha. He wants to close his eyes, she chose to cover her ears. She was super excited about the photos and wanted to do all kinds of things.

Too excited that in the end she had to sit in the thinking chair! kehekeh. She started jumping on the sofa and pulling on her brother. Didnt want to stop when we told her so to the thinking chair she goes. I wonder what she is 'thinking'!

Brown bear

Brown bears can be cute and cuddly, make you melt and yearn to give it a huge big hug.


But brown bears do have claws. When furious, will not have you spared. Once it stares at you with it's big brown eyes, the only chance you have is to play dead.


How do we handle a fiesty one with a mind of her own?

And how much of a character of a two year old child stays with her forever, u think?

Coz u see, I'm not so good at keeping quiet and playing dead..

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A dream of dreams

I had a dream. To take this life to a different beat, to not conform to adulthood, to live the way I want.

To slack and slog when I feel like it, to have a completely different understanding of delayed gratification. I see a place in a different land where I can do all those, where winter, autumn, spring and summer conquer my memories and accompany my experiences.

Sometimes I'm reminded of that dream. Ive long forgotten them because my hands are full and my head is no longer floating in the clouds.

But perhaps I've forgotten them because now my dreams are made up of different images. Most of them, are these...the only pleasure I derive from a heavy responsibility such as this, a commitment entrusted into my hands, to love, nurture and provide.

So some days, I might escape to the dream I had forgotten,now replaced by a reality not so glamorous, enticing,  very ordinary and conforming.

I have become the exact image of what my young mind had rejected. And now 3 days shy from my birthday, realized that dreams change and my reality now, is one I'm thankful for and blessed to have..

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Friday prayers for abang and a haircut for adik

Brand new jubah for Friday prayers, courtesy of Atok and Nenek :)

My best buds from secondary school would probably remember how i frequently cut my own hair back in secondary school days. No hassle, no money wasted, all I had to do was hold on to the ends and cut them off! haha! so kental right? I know. 

Of course those days are long over. Now with more purchasing power and hair that requires more attention other than cutting, I have to resort to the expert to ensure that my hair looks somewhat presentable.

But how can i let my talent and skill go to waste right? hurhur...so whose the lucky one to get a free haircut, u ask? The lil mak nenek, of course!

She trust me with her whole life, so what's a haircut rite? So she sat in the middle of the toilet, all still and   put her trust in my rusty pair of hands.:) 

And TADA!!

Haha! Nothing major lah, just cutting off her fringe. Any Tom, Dick or Harry can do:) 

So this time, she got herself pretty bangs, looking much neater than her 'momok' look, as my daddy calls it.  And now, I could choose not to let her wear hair clips which sickeningly keeps falling off anyway! 

Im already itching to try trimming the back. 

Maybe give her a short bob to go with the bangs, u think? ;)

Hari Raya 2011

This year Raya was slightly different from previous years. Because my parents were not around, we had a glimpse of how life would probably be like if we were to stay on our own. I must say we did pretty ok, but honestly all credit has to go to the man of the house.

Im hopeless in the kitchen and my maid is no better, so Im truly blessed to have married someone with fantastic culinary skills. I reckon Raya would not feel like one if on the eve of raya, the kitchen isnt in a state of chaos and the house is not filled with aroma of something delicious brewing in the kitchen. So Im glad to report that even while my mum was not around, the man of the house managed to cook a feast. The outcome; delicious nasi tomato and lamb vindaloo!

Honestly, Im totally amazed at how he is able to do everything and anything. Nothing is too difficult or out of his league. No complains, no sulking although I can tell how tired and sleep deprived he was. The day before the eve, he went marketing at Geylang, while i stayed home and took care of the kids. So i really have no part in it at all. Im somewhat ashamed to admit that Im really not of much help, except to act as a reminder for him to do this and that! I'm sure I was irritating.

He never fail to amaze me and im truly grateful that despite my shortcomings, he still sees me as some kind of wonderful. I hope he will remain 'blind' forever. Haha! Its amazing all the things that he is capable of doing, Im forever awed by him. Indeed, to me, he is one in a million. :)

So yep, that's it. Here's some pictures taken on the first day.

I had to go pink to make that lil makcik happy.

My in-law's place.

My place and the customary family picture.

At the airport, waiting for my parent's arrival.

Mini Us

The boy who fasted for a whole month! He did it and caught all of us by surprise.
No complains, full of patience and perseverance. I see his daddy in this one. :)

A very happy makcik, clad in her favourite colour; pink!

A somewhat decent family picture, at last.

Have a wonderful Eid, everyone! :)