This is not a poem

Mornings
Bus rides, uniform, bus stop
walkman, music
goodbye, hello, railings of the interchange
gum, cigarettes
group of funny looking people

empty green land
darkness surrounds
lift, void deck
by the bay
more music and instruments
madness amidst loud, bursting noise

phones calls
much about nothing
slurred converstions
head in the fridge
drunken moments, where the aeroplanes land
a familiar crook of the arm, it fits i suppose

a mother and brother
closed door
she never knocked, he looked the other way
a room full of people, screaming and shouting
yet we were alone
it was a cold, rainy night
when my mother believed me

OK, there is no code to crack here. It is not supposed to make sense. This is just what happens if I type out words randomly the moment they flash in my head. And this is what happens if you have been on MC for 3 weeks and get hooked on DVDs.

I am in no mood to start work. The momentum has been permanently disrupted. Luckily June holidays is just round the corner. I need to get lost even more and I can't do that when I am supposed to teach 40 kids. I can't do that when I am 30 and have a boy of 3. Lately, music has been my saving grace but some music reminds me of something or someone or someplace which is not at all pleasant.

Not doing anything is addictive. Until it reaches the point of boredom, that is.

The Day I Found out

The moment she read my file and did the first test, the wicked witch started being nice to me, so I sensed trouble.

And she DID say her string of favourite words (Oh it's normal), but this time she used another equally sickening synonym, "You know, it's quite COMMON for women to ......1 in every...blah blah blah" Yah, that made me feel better. I'm so glad to fit right in with the other women. Thank you very much.

As expected, I did shed those tears. And my strategy of bringing irfan kinda worked. I did smile...but i must admit, it was amidst my tears. His silly idea this time was to snug behind some lady's husband and suddenly jumps in front and say "TA-DA". The man took a step back and the look on his face plus Irfan's sneaky face and tiptoeing was worth a lil smile.

As for alim, he's as cool as cucumber as he always is, but I know better than to assume I am the only one upset over this. He has always been my pillar of strength but I know he needs his moment too for this one. Right from the beginning when we first found out, till today, he has been listening to every lil weird analysis of mine. I know whatever i feel, he would too.

A few nights ago, I told him I'm dead bored at home and thought of renting some DVDs and a good book. It was already 10pm when I told him, he gave me a strange look and said he was extremely tired and wanted to sleep. I was a lil pissed coz it is almost never that he dsmiss me that quickly. But I didnt bug him coz the shops were closed anyway.

I woke up the next morning, at 8am and saw a sweet lil card and a small paperbag in front of the T.V in my room. I opened the bag and saw two sets of DVD series. How did he do it? Did he snug out at night? Which shop was opened? I saw the receipt and checked the time, apparently it was yesterday afternoon. Meaning he rented them even before I told him I wanted to rent them. It was a nice surprise and I'm always amazed at how thoughtful he is and how well he knew me. He knew what I had wanted even before I knew them. Strange.

He is always, always there for me, comforting me, but this time, I know he needs me too.

Actually, I've been over and over this scene in my head many times. What the wicked witch will say, how I will react...but i still feel the way I feel. She hands me a pamphlet and said, "read it when you are less emotional" and went on to talk about what are the possible complications from here on, and what medication she's giving me and what to do next. I wasnt really listening. My eyes rested on the pamphlet and all I saw was the title of the pamphlet which was staring right back at me.

When she told me, I don't feel like the whole world was crashing onto me, that would be too dramatic. Yes, I was totally upset when she told me but I also know for a fact, this is for the best. I don't really like to question the why , coz reasons can never be conclusive and there is never a good reason to explain what's written out there. The mind is too limited to understand his decisions and I've always known that.

And I know, things could have been worst,some others have it even harder.

But I like a good grieving, I like a good, satisfying cry, to ease away the lump that keeps building up in my throat.

So now, all I have is one picture and the cross which reminds me that this is just not a story I made up in my lil, crazy head.

I would want to look at them one day and not feel that lump in my throat.
But that day is not now.
Coz I'm not ready. Not just yet.

it'3.20pm. In another hour, Im going to see that grumpy,wicked witch of the west, lokek MC lady again. The last time I saw her was 3 years ago.

And I'm dying to hear her overused "Oh, it's normal" phrase again. The other time it was irratating coz it seemed like she was trivialising evry lil problem I had.
But this time, Im just dying to hear her say it to me.

But, I doubt it. There's nothing normal about what Ive experienced so far. When things were normal, I was already a crazy worry-wart. Can you imagine how I am now?

As usual I have a list of fears. Not knowing is scary but you know, that few minutes and seconds to finding out, is even way scarier.

I don't know if I am going to be sent home today again and told the same thing as the other 2 people in white coats. Or am I going through a battery of tests to find out what's wrong with me. Some of the tests are not exactly comfortable and i don't think the wicked witch will be so kind to give an option to not take the test and I dunt think she will comfort me when I shed those tears. And I somehow know at some point, I WILL shed those tears. Not because of bad news I hope. I blame it on the hormones.

I want to find out, but I hate some of the tests. Maybe what I really need is a big scolding from that wicked witch to just do it.

So anyway, Im bringing irfan with me. I need someone to cheer me up, and he always does say something silly to crack me up or make me smile. Either that, or I will be busy scolding and chasing him, which hopefullly will put my mind off the worrying while waiting.

So im off now. And all i can think of now is the green lady in my dream.

I must admit, with all that is happening, Ive neglected Irfan a lil these days.

The past few days, when he gets back from school,( I know he is back because I would hear, "Assamuaikumm! Dah balik. IBUUU!!" ) he'll look for me, pops into the room,"what r u doing, Ibu" sees me lying down, smiles, jumps on the bed and initiate to engage me in one of his play ideas. Honestly, I am really not in the mood and so I layan him in a very malas sort of way, and luckily he gets it, lingers for a while and realizes Im not up to it. He pitter patter to the living room and plays on his own. soon after, he pops in again and checks if Im up to it now. When out of guilt, I show some sort of enthusiasm, he starts getting excited and pulls my hand to go out, "Ibu, come, come, play with me" or offer me one of his toys while he holds on to his favourite one.
And when I refuse, he'd pester for a bit longer and when he realizes Im serious, he plays on his own again. Somehow he knows not to bug me after that.

The first day, when this happened, I actually explained to him that I was not well. "Ibu sakit, I can't play with you" He replied "Where?" I pointed to my tummy. He went out and came back with my mum's minyak, clumsily opened it, dipped his whole finger in and plops it on my tummy, and started to rub my tummy in circular motion.
Unfortunately I had to stop him coz, he wasnt exactly doing it gently.
And I'm not sure what minyak he took, but with the amount he put on my tummy, it was super hot, felt like my skin was going to be burnt!

But he made me smile. And the next day, I told him Im not up to playing coz Im tired. I suppose that is one excuse he is used to, and so he didnt argue with that.

On Wednesday, I even forgot that he had water play in school and I didnt put him in his swimming attire. When he came back, his uniform was all dirty. I assumed he wanted to join in the water play and dirtied his uniform.
I never forget about his water play days coz I know he looks forward to it, but I did on wednesday.

And last night, while I was opening the fridge, I saw Irfan's circular on International Friendship Day which the school celebrates today.( I normally paste his circulars on the fridge coz I do have short term memory) He is supposed to dress in costume of other cultures and to bring a present for another friend coz there will be an exchange of gifts or something like that.
I totally forgot all about that and it was almost 9pm when I realized.

I digged his wardrobe and took out whatever that looked like costumes from other cultures. And my mum suggested he wore this




Arab Sesat
Tak sia sia, nenek belikan time pegi Haji. Pakai jugak.

It was already 9pm and so I said bolehlah. Although the headgear and jubah really tak kena coz it was supposed to be worn with long white jubah with long sleeve. But as you can see, he seems happy in it and posing posing lagi. Of course, we all had to boost his ego a lil and said something like "wah irfan lawa" "very nice" and he was smiling from ear to ear.
later at night, I asked alim if he thinks any of irfan's friend would laugh at him coz he does look kinda silly in that headgear. And Im just worried he'd be sad if his friends were to tease him.

As for the present, I digged my overloaded cupboard and lo and behold, found an extra children's day gift I bought for my students from last year. So that settles it.

The next morning, my mum and I dressed Irfan. He was super excited and seemed thrlled to be wearing the headgear. Just as he was about to leave, he walked to the mirror to look at himself for the first time. Upon seeing his reflection, he removed the headgear and said " I don't want" My mum insisted he wore it coz after all, it's her idea. "Lawa irfan, lawa...nanti teacher cakap lawa,". Irfan said "I don't WANT. Not nice" (tak sangka,kecik kecik pun tau fashion jugak!)

Kesian my mum, all her effort, pakaikan headgear tu. So he left without the headgear and instead, he wore a songkok haji. In the end, entah apa culture yang dia pakai.

My mum was sorely disappointed. She packed the headgear in a plastic bag in the hope that Irfan will change his mind later. She told the van driver to give the headgear to the teacher in case she wants to take a picture of him in it.

Itulah kisah...

Anyway, today I will pick myself up. No matter if it continues.
Being positive doesn't come naturally to me.
But I'll try.

Being too happy always scares me.
Yes, Im crazy like that.
This is one of those nonsensical emotional entries that is sappy, boring and blah blah.
Since young, Im always told when something bad happens, it's coz Im too happy.
"Tu lah, happy happy sangat, kan ..."
Maybe that's why I dont display emotions much coz somewhere in my head, the opposite will happen.
Right now,a week ago, I was over the moon.Excited and happy.
And now, Im fearing that the opposite will happen. I have cause to worry, it's not in my head. Sometimes it is , but not today.

So I sat there and waited.
But looks like I have to wait for another week.
I sat there and thought about all the possibilities.
And scare myself even more. I think that actually comforts me.

Ok you don't have to understand.
It's here to remind me about a fear which is so real.
I'm normally good at hiding things, but not this fear today.
So many people saw it, and i couldnt hide it.
I was openly vulnerable.
Im not used to that.