The end of the long road

I wonder how I would be like when I grow old.

I wonder how my parents would be as they approach the next few laps of their lives. They are entering a vulnerable stage and I am starting to worry.

Right now, my grandparents are at that stage; the final lap of their existance and they are holding on. I realize no matter how independent and financially sufficient you are, when you are lying on the hospital bed, unable to move, your kids are your only hope. They become your hands,your feet and your voice.

In other words, your fate is in their hands.

I have four sets of grandparents. Its a long story but to cut it short, my grandparents from both sides divorced at some point in their lives and remarried. My parents remained close to their original set of parents as well as their stepmother/father.
One set of grandparents has long passed and Im left with 2 complete sets (2 grandmas and 2 grandpas) and 1 grandma.

Out of the 5, 2 of them are bedridden, 1 has tumour, 1 has just undergone surgery and the other one is as healthy as an 80 sumthing can get.
To me, it seemed like it all happened at a snap of a finger, suddenly one by one they succumbed to their aging bodies and failing organs. One moment they are healthy and then suddenly, something happened; a fall, a stroke, a blood clot and then, everything starts to fail and they are just not who they seemed anymore.

Both my grandad are bedridden now. One has alzheimers and another has parkinsons, amongst other things. Their legs have not touched the ground since many months back, they lay in bed and are being fed and clothed. Both can barely speak. Their bodies seemed empty. They seemed distant. My sis has taken one of them under her care. Why my sis? It's a veryy long story.

On a day to day basis, maids are taking care of them. Why? Kids have to work. Why? Because everyone has to work here in sunny island singapore because if not, we cant keep up with the handphones, aircon, cable tv, internet subscription, education, tuition etc... Those who are not working have to take care of their grandkids whose parents are working. It is just how it is, and blame should never be spoken of. It's just how best you make of the situation.

My parents are not having an easy time coping with all of their parents falling sick all at the same time. Things are bound to get messy between siblings as they decide who should take care of who and who should do what. Things get complicated as the decisions varies, expectations differs and especially when negative feelings are involved.

There is a very long story behind each of them. It's complicated. It's messy.

Like I said, their fate depends on their kids' hands. How well have you brought them up? I think, this is the true test.

I try to see them as much as I can. And each time, I wonder how we will all end up. Sometimes, honestly, I dont really want to see them because the sadness is unbearable. Seeing them lying there, so old and helpless, makes you remember the lil things they have done for you, when they were walking and talking and you say to yourself, "It felt just like yesterday..." and how they lookd so different now.
And how the world doesnt even stop for them.

My grandma has tumour growing on her face. The growth is the size of your palm. It is growing on her left cheek. Her left cheek has been removed totally and it is covered with just skin from her thighs. She sees everything, she feels everything. Day to day she lives with the feeling that she is not normal, that she is sick, that she is suffering. I can only imagine.

That is a different ball game altogether. She is talking, moving and speaks her mind and she has a lot to say. Sometimes I dont know which one is easier to care; a talking, walking grandma or a bedridden one. They come with a whole set of challenges.
Love is the only thing that can make anyone so patient.

It is not easy taking care of any elderly. I have always known that but now I really know for sure. having seen the struggles, the squabbles and all else that comes in between. It cannot be perfect and someone will always be judging you, but at the end of the day, keeping the last few years of the elderly's life as comfortable as you can, should be our only priority.

Their bodies might look empty, coz no voice come from them, but Im sure they can feel, they know and they hope. Once in a while, we see tears in my grandad's eyes. It might just be a physical response but we take that for something.

Looking at one grandparent falling sick is unbearable. But seeing 3 grandparents going through this stage of their lives all at the same time, is just not easy. It makes you wonder about a lot of things. You can't run away from the fact that you are going to be dependent on your kid one point in your life; if you happen to live long enough.
Would they see you as a burden? Would they leave you somewhere convenient? Would you be the cause of your kids falling out with one another? Would they pass you around? Would they be calculative?

I go on with my life everyday.... But at times, at some sudden moments, I feel guilty for not letting my world stop for them.

There goes...another depressing entry from me.
Once in a while, I guess I find this necessary.