ok long entry alert.
if you have insomnia, this entry might just be your cure. :)

Life at 31
So im turning 31 this year and never in my wildest dreams would I tink that I 'll be a mother of 2 soon. Insyallah.
Life has been pretty kind so far and like always, I've always taken each day as it comes. Might not be the best way to live your life but honestly I did not plan for everything that I have now. I've never really had a goal or target in life for eg, to make that first million when Im 35 or to have 3 kids when Im 40. Some say, those who fail to plan, plan to fail. I suppose they are right but I think life is so unpredictable..maybe Im just to scared to raise my hopes and see my plans ruined. And one thing I know for sure about myself is that Im never ambitious.
So I came to adulthood with no expectations, no plans, no high hopes of being happy, successful or loaded.

But one thing I know is, Ive always been lucky. Lucky to be surrounded with people who have been my source of strength and motivation.
Looking back, my parents had neither the knowledge nor the means to educate me. They never supervised my school work when I was young, never bug me to do my work coz they were pretty much uneducated. I remember having to explain the contents of my report book to them every year coz they are not sure if I had done well or not. BUT they motivated me despite the limited means they have, encouraged me through words and above all, i know for sure their prayers was the only thing that kept me sheltered and blessed all these times.

Somehow or other, without any aim or direction, I made it to Uni. Like I said, I am lucky coz I have siblings who took the place of my parents and helped me every step of the way. I remember my sister buying me a set of encyclopedia on my birthday when she got her first pay.It was expensive and it was quite a huge portion of her pay. She was the one who fed me with endless storybooks and bought me all the collection of Enid Blyton books I had. She promised me that if I could go to Uni, she would bring me to Australia for a holiday. In the end, she didnt but somehow I wasnt disappointed coz I understood the intend behind it.

I also know for sure without my brother, I would probably have no one to guide me in my school work. he was 5 years older than me and at that time, to me, he was a fountain of knowledge. It's as if he knew everything, so much so that I believed him when he said he could transport himself to the sky.
I hung on to every word he said. I remembered when I first bought my school books in P1, he was the one who read the books to me and my sister helped me to wrap my books. He was also the one who set mock papers for me to do and mark them when I am done. At that time, everything was handwritten and he carefully chose the questions from my test papers and assessment books and wrote them in a form of a test paper. And when I cried coz I was cranky and tired and could not finish my art homework, he was the one who completed it for me so that I can hand it in the next day. I dont know if he could remember all these details now, but I would never forget them. Coz I know for sure, I would never have been here without them.

I was never the smartest, the most hardworking, the most creative or vocal but I have always been lucky.
WIth A level grades that barely made it, I was lucky enough to be accepted in Uni. I was never the brightest student, never talked so much during tutorials but I enjoyed writing essays. before I know it, 3 years have gone by, and there I am, wondering what to do with my life. I dont have a plan, a goal or an amibition but I had all these opportunitites presented to me in my hands.

For lack of better ideas, I decided to teach. yes, for lack of better ideas.
and i remembered wanting to buy time before I start working and the 1 year PGDE course with pay could give me that. My parents wasnt exactly young anymore and the source of income would surely help. I didnt have the luxury or means to go overseas or study for a few more years so i decided to go into teaching immediately.
I was met with a rude shock when I came face to face with the stress of the teaching profession especially in the most difficult beginning 3 years. I managed to survive and again, was lucky to have met someone who saw some potential in me and gave me an opportunity to carry out a position which i doubted i was capable of undertaking.

But somehow I survived with the help of my source of strength, whom I was destined to meet. Alim was there every step of the way and helped me in my work whenever he could. I remembered him helping me to prepare my materials for my lesson observation. using his fantastic artistic skills, he prepared so many of my teaching materials that everyone in school thought I had artistic flair, which I obviously dont. From cutting circles for lesson on fractions, to collecting leaves for my science experiment, he had done it all with me. I particularly remembered him accompanying me to Mustafa Centre in the middle of the night coz I suddenly remembered i forgot to by nuts to be used in school for racial harmony day celebration the following day. He has always been the one to sit through my series of complains and tears and urged me on when i doubted myself.

But I must say all that stress, sweat and tears at work did not actually go to waste. It paid for my wedding. I managed to save enough and used the hard earned money to cover all costs, every lil detail of the wedding... but of course was pretty sad when I saw all my money gone after the wedding. :(

I have always been lazy and laid back but work requires me to be out there and take up bigger responsibilities. I struggled and surprisingly did things which I thought I was never capable of. And now, 8 years on, at a different school, I see my work in a totally opposite light. Im still not ambitious, but I now see that my work is appreciated in my school and it does have an impact on the students and teachers. And knowing the tears and heartaches of the teachers who just started out, I could use my position to create a better place for them. Work has been good so far, still busy but Im happy to be surrounded by colleagues and most importantly bosses who care.

Im still with no ambition. Opportunities keep presenting itself, as if forcing me to go somewhere, pushing me in a direction I never plan for. I donno if I should limit myself to here and now coz I am just too lazy or to take up the challenge, grow and impact others. Honestly, I never thought my attitude is ever cut out for this. But I also know,there is a bigger force out there that controls everything that comes my way.

And now at 31, I must say Im comfortable and thankful. With so many things that can go wrong, they have always come out perfect. So for all that I have today, Im thankful to so many people who have brought me here.

I donno if they know or remember all that they have done for me, but for sure,
I will never forget every single detail of how they have played a part in my life. :)