lately, it seems that the topic on fragility of life, death and dying keeps presenting itself to me.

late last year, i had this dream that we were in a car, stuck in a jam and before we knew it, a big wave of water came over us and we were sucked deep beneath deep water. we didnt even have a chance to react before we realized we were underwater. i couldnt breathe but i told myself not to panic and to hold my breath. i reached to unbuckle my seatbelts and alim's; feeling my way through the water. i could see my hair dancing around me, as the water circled my body and pulled me deep. After freeing ourselves, I tried to push myself up, swimming up , looking and looking for the surface. but i couldnt find it and i eventually woke up.
till today, i couldnt figure it out. what was it? a tsunami? or did the road suddenly give way and we fell underwater? i googled about the meaning of my dream. what i found out all points to mean that something bad is going to happen to me. something close to death or even death itself.

that was pretty scary at that moment but life went on and I soon forgot about it.
till recently when someone predicted that an impending disaster is about to strike and we might be affected. actually 'might' was not what he said. i dont know what will happen but if you know me, you know that i get paranoid easily. even if it didnt happen, but ive already thought so much about it. ive imagined the worst scenarios and it all brings me to realize what i have already known all along; that life is fragile and tomorrow we can be gone. before we know it, we will just perish, disappear, become non-existent. if not us, people we love. the impending disaster might not happen soon, might not happen at all, but we will definitely go , one day; sooner than we might think. so even if the disaster doesnt happen, i thank you for freaking me out and reminding me about that. coz i ve known all along, but i have also forgotten.

like i said, the topic of death and dying just wont leave me. a few days after, i took a cab. it was a lady driver. since i go to sch by cab most days, i decided to get her to send me to sch everyday. everyday, in our conversations along the way, we learn more about each other. she is a catholic so some of our beliefs are somewhat similar. i soon learnt that her only daughter passed away a few years ago, in a road accident. her daughter was hit by a bus while crossing the road. even after so many years, I could hear her sniffles as she told me what happened. she ended her story by saying life is fragile and we can go anytime, or people we love can go anytime. she said the incident has brought her closer to God. i could feel and hear her devastation, her lost, her grief, her missing her daughter. she is a mother and I am too and i can only imagine.

and i sat in her cab and thought about my dream, the prediction, her story. its all about death, about how we have no control over when we go. i wonder why ive been hearing these things. but deep down i think i probably already know. maybe because i asked for it, somehwere in my prayers.

on the other hand, it might be mere coincidence of course. i cant tell. im not sure. i cannot imagine. its too scary. but one day it will come.
we dont prepare for such things, we cant. we will just live through it. or we will be the one to leave. and people we love will have to live through it.

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KIds

Glad to know that irfan is phonetically aware and is performing at his age level. During the assessment, i was pleasantly surprised to note that he is able to sound all the alphabets and knows the beginning and end sound of words. The teacher said he is slightly advanced for his age. I am definitely relieved. But the sad thing is, I didnt know he knew all that before the assessment. Gotta kick myself for not spending enough time with him.

But apparently he knows. I am relieved because putting him in montessori has always been questionable. I guess for him, he is able to learn in that kind of environment. Although it looks like he is playing more than he is ever learning. There were many things he definitely picked up at school and not from me. Things like telling time, addition, comparing numbers, name of continents.. ALim's mum was asking him what is 2+ 1 the other day. He said 3 and then he said, If I take away 1, i would have 2 left. He then quickly went back to his toys as if to say, enough asking,; not only do I get the concept of addition, I know subtraction too, so enough of the testing!

He is definitely not a genius, but whats important for me at this age, is his whole attitude towards learning. ANd if there is one thing he has definitely picked up in a montessori pre school, is the love for learning. If he has a ton of toys to play with, and at some corner an adult is showing and reading a book to kids, he would definitely go over to see; leaving his toys behind. I dont know how long this would last of course. I suspect by P6, all this enhusiasm for learning would definitely have died, buried deep under the tons of worksheets he has to complete for PSLE! sigh..

its not that i hate worksheets. after all, my job is to issue them. hah. Up to a certain point, I think its absolutely necessary. A teacher cant run away from that. In fact, I was relieved and glad when i asked irfan what he did in school today and he said; my teacher gave me a..hmm..she said its a...worksheeeeet.
Happinesss!

i have been asking him to remember what he does in school everyday. he is supposed to report to me details everyday. Everyday I would ask him if he did any writing or reading in school. After all he is in K1 this year and there should be more focus on writing. so i was happy he came home, saying the word "worksheet" for the first time ever. Now that sounds more like school.

WElcome to learning the Singapore way, Irfan! (actually its not the learning but the major assessments that stresses one out.)
I think at some points, you would hate it very much but it would make you vair vair creverrr lohhhhh!!!

Updating this entry from the phone with coldplay playing. Heaven. Back atwork in a day and part of me is looking forward to the clean slate and exciting beginning. Another part of me is just gasping for air realizing the hard work that is yet to begin. 2009 was good. I started 2010 in a melancholic state . I don't have a clue why.

I said,"how do you know?"
and he said," I've known you for ten years and Ive married u for five. And I love u. Always. That's why."
I hope whichever year ends and begins, some things will remain the same.