Rainy night

Have always loved rainy nights. Tonight is no different. Now let's decide on the music of choice tonite. :)

Random pictures

Random pictures.. Just because I'm bored.

My first love

Me: irfan would you like to learn how to play a musical instrument?

Irfan: ya I want!

Me: what musical instrument do you want to learn? Yamaha has piano, electone, guitar and drums.

Silence for a few seconds...

Irfan: what is the (main) instrument in your favorite song?

Me: hmmm... Piano?

Irfan: ok I want to learn piano. so that I can play your favorite song for you.

Awwwwwww.....
I melted into mush right about there...
Sweetness!

Waiting for a free slot

I was secretly waiting for September holidays.
But that's over.
Now I will have to wait for December.

Yes yes. I'm lazy. Yes yes I just sit around.

Yes. This is all i do during my maternity leave. Oh sorry. Not exactly. I have an iPhone in

hand. So all day , all I do is chat with friends and surf the net.

No.. I'm not tired at all. Not busy at all. Really there's nothing to do. 

Breastfeeding? Oh that one just sit what. Not tired. Breastfeed for 1 hour, just sit only. Not tired what.

When baby cannot sleep just rock a bit, sing a lullaby. And my baby very good one. Can sleep within 0.1 second. At night, he sleeps throughout. Never even wake up once! Not a stir. 

Ok what. What's the big deal right?

What? Recuperate from delivery? No need to. It was an easy peasy delivery. I just sneezed, and the baby was out. After that I look and feel great. I could have climbed Mt Kinabalu

And This picture below NEVER happens of coz.

The house is always quiet. Very quiet that I can sleep all day, read a book, sip hot chocolate.

Of coz going out to work is more tiring. Me? I'm just relaxing with my legs up. 

Yes yes. My mum and husband does EVERYTHING in the house.

They would breastfeed too if they could.

Oh excuse me now, while I buff my nails and soak my feet in warm water. 

My kids? They can do everything on their own; bathe, eat, entertain themselves, do homework. 

In fact I suspect they are really adults in kids bodies.

Till later!

(p.s sarcasm aside, no matter what i say, i can never deny that I'm fortunate to have everything that I have and for that, I'm truly grateful. So don't shoot me.

Lack of sleep

Oh wow. What a splendid birthday I had. I did get that much needed movie, nice dinner with awesome view and music.
with someone who really wanted to be there.

I did get to dress up a lil, smell nice and feel better.

It's my birthday after all. That's nothing much to ask for. And I got it.

Wait am I hallucinating?

Just another day

It's just another day.

People go to work, kids go to school.
I'm such an idiot to think it would be any different.

Anymore special than it already is.

Just because it's my birthday.

Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me!

 It's a quiet night. Very quiet. Im accompanied by the yellow dim light, and the Tv on low volume.

If I hadn't known better, I would think I'm all alone in this room.

Here's to releasing the past and embracing the future. To learning to enjoy my lonesome self. To accepting that people sometimes just will never understand what truly lies beneath my words. To accepting that I'm no longer the centre of the universe.

Excuse me now, while I start the celebration with some music.

Images in my mind

I'm so glad I went to Greece for the last hols. I don't think we will go anywhere awesome soon. When I get tired and bored, there's some images of Greece I can escape to. It's so vivid in my mind. Lately, I really need to escape a lot. Coz my reality these days involve mostly leaking milk, crying baby and soiled diapers.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I'm not thankful. I'm grateful beyond words. But anyone would know, when it comes to feelings, nothing is either black or white. Usually it's a rainbow of Colours and black and white. Feelings are complex.

It's just a good escape from the routine . A good escape from the image of me in my home tshirt and pants , messed up hair, looking shabby, smelling of milk and spectacles falling off my face. Im sure u know, looking awful will just make one feel awful. But these days, there's really no reason to dress up.

Right now I'm thinking of the litted island at night. If I could, right now I would want to sit in one of their restaurants, with the nice breeze blowing and a super awesome view. And of course, nice music. I would want to see those litted lights against the dark night. Sigh.. If only.
With someone who really really wanted to be there too as much as I do. Not because he or she has to. Not because he or she wants to make me happy.

But in reality, I'm bored on my bed. Tired, depressed and smelling of milk.
The lil one is finally asleep. He will be awake in a couple of hours. The two kids are still wide awake.

If I could I would walk out that door and go for a much needed walk and nice dinner. Sigh .... if I could. If only i could.

Acknowledging the feeling and then moving on.

Major disappointment.:( boo hoo.
Well but there's no other way to go but take the decision within our stride.

And I believe in HIS decision 100%. So all is good. Alhamdullilah.;)

My loyal company

3.48am.
In bed with my little guy who always keeps me company.
No matter what time of day!
Smooshy kisssss!!!!

Random thoughts on the last day of hols

The hols is over. And still it didn't happen. I guess holidays is still a busy period for some people. Yes even at night.

Tonite is another wasted nite.

Maybe he thinks it's selfish.

I guess I wasn't clear enough about the urgency and the DESPERATION.
What words or actions should I use?

Next week work starts and classes too. I don't want to cause a distraction.

And so i think I can do this on my own. I just have to learn to enjoy it. It just needs some getting used to.

The need for a recharge has become an emergency and I have decided not to wait for anyone anymore.

A longing

Waiting
With anticipation, hope, excitement
Waiting
With fear, doubt and worry

Honestly I did not put much thought into it.
My heart ruled everything this time round. There's a sudden pull that came from nowhere. It isn't fleeting, it's a longing.

I've doubted myself forever, if I'm ready for this. But somehow the pull is stronger than the mountain of doubt I have, stronger than the endless worries.

Sometimes I think I'm crazy. For making a decision without much thought about the practicalities, about my kids, my job, without thinking through the endless responsibilities here, without calculating my finances over and over again, without knowing fully what to expect, without assessing how ready I am.

But this time, I have little control.
My mind stopped thinking.
I can't stop this deep longing.
I know not where these feelings came from.

Either way, I leave it to HIM
I can't lie. I will be sorely disappointed if it's not meant to be.
But I know for sure, it's for the best.
HE knows what's best for me.
And if I'm ready for this.

Two brothers sharing a joke

What are you boys talking about?:) Shahid is fortunate to have a resident clown in the house.
Luv these pictures!