Tough love

Disciplining a child at any age is not an easy task, be it a toddler or a teenager. I come to realize that it is always about striking a good balance between putting the message across and dealing with the feelings at the same time.

Striking a good balance is not easy. While teenagers pose a different kind of challenge, my immeditate task now is handling this 3 year old boy now and showing him the right way to behave. On one hand, while I know positive modelling is essential in developing positive behaviour, I must admit I am not consistently a perfect model myself. Well, theory is one thing and actual pracice is a different ball game altogether. For example sometimes I catch myself yelling, although it's something I tell irfan not to do.

Teaching irfan the right way to behave can be a challenge at times. His typical response to us scolding him, would be to cover his face, break into sobs which gets louder by the minute and in between the desperate cries and unstoppable sobs, he will say these words,
" I love (sob, sob) you ibu." I friend (sob, sob) you ibu"..

By now his voice would have cracked and his words are broken and almost inaudible. His whole face would be red and tears will be running down his his red cheeks and equally red nose and lips. And softly he would say,
"I sor...ry (sob sob) ibu..."

Sometimes I wonder why he always says these words when scolded and I wonder, within his limited capacity, what does he actually understand by love and if we have made him feel insecure about how much we love him. Or could it be as a 3 year old , they are alreasy able to plan a scheming manner to act pathetic so that we can just gloss over their wrongdoings. Or maybe it's just me, paranoid over watching Anakku Sazali!" :)

At times, I just feel like hugging him and saying it's ok, I mean it's quite heartbreaking to hear his words in between sobs like that, but so far, we had always managed to stand firm and used the window before he break into sobs to explain to him what was wrong. I never knew it can be so hard to scold your child sumtimes until I become a parent myself. But I know giving in can be detrimental to the child in the long run and having a spoilt teenager might be a more uphill task than dealing with a toddler.

Most of the time, I realize they dont mean to behave badly, but they are not sure of the right way to get whatever they want, so while I say no you cant do that, I also have to teach him how to get what he wants the right way.
And one thing i have to constantly remind myself is that they are too little to learn immediately and will repeat the mistakes again n again, much to our frustration sumtimes.

Our typical response to his sobs and cries would be to ask him to stop crying and be quiet. Many times he doesnt and I will fume and would say, " You better stop now, or I will...." . At the back of my mind I know I have read somewhere that giving an ultimatum like that is not a good idea, but like I said, theory can go out of the window sumtimes.

Well, I suppose this is a struggle of a novice parent who reads too much! Hah!

And recently his reply to us asking him to stop crying is this , " I can't ibu (sob, sob), help ibu (sob sob), cover my mouth for me (sob, sob)."
Honestly, the first time I heard him ask me to cover his mouth i really feel like laughing out loud!Hehe.
BUt I did cover his mouth, and amidst the quiet, i could hear him trying his best to stifle his cries. Poor boy :(

Then it struck me! I was asking him to do the impossible all this time! When someone is sobbing badly and crying so much, one cant just stop automaticaly and immediately. What more a 3 year old who has limited control of how he feels. All this while, he really cant stop his sobs, and he couldnt tell me probbaly due to lack of words and his inability to express himself. and now that he can, his words are simple, honest and yet so true. he simply cant stop! i mean at least not immediately. But the point is, he did want to listen to me and stop but he doesnt know how, and to his simple mind, the solution is for me to cover his mouth!!

i made a mental note to remember that he is indeed only 3 and sometimes i do ask the impossible from him. Luckily he is able to talk now and expresses certain things, as simple and honest as he could.

Recently, irfan has been rather clingy to us and always wanting the attention from us, especially the daddy. Its probably coz, he has been spending a lot of time with us since he is also having his hols and i also suspect it probbaly has something to do with the other one coming soon.

Wanting attention is fine i guess, but we are still teaching him the better way of getting our attention as compared to whining and asking us to help in every other thing.

So till later, my on-the-job training of being a parent shall continue....