Crossroads. Where do I go from here?

our bodies have an internal alert system that signals when a change is needed pronto. and the alert system is blaring in me right now.

things are extremely hectic at work and i thought after almost 9 years, i should be getting used to things and not complain. But i guess complaining is a way of coping. honestly, i need to move away from looking into events. I just realized that in one year, I have to look into 4 events and many other things on top of that. Its crazy but what do I know, I have been doing it for 5 years now. And ive had enough and i seriously need to explore other things and develop myself in other areas.

since i will be in here for the long haul, i have to continue let the sparks burn in me, otherwise everyday is a torture. and to keep the sparks burning, i cannot do something forever, i have to keep on challenging myself to try out other things which ive not explored before. and im ready for the change now. I NEED the change now, for the sake of my sanity and to prevent myself from doing something drastic like quitting.

Before the brain cells in me disintegrate further, I need to study...i miss and love doing research and essays and right now, i will do anything to be studying full time. It will also be a good break from work and sometimes a break is necessary to spur us further.

One thing I would probably never do is to study part time. I have always enjoyed studying and will never ever get sick of it. But to work and study at the same time, will probably kill all my interest in studying. I will just see it as a chore, essays which I have to complete and whats the point of studying when there is no joy in it? At least not when you are already 32 and have completed your mandatory primary school, sec school and tertiary education. But most of all, I think I really cant cope. I do admire those mothers especially, who can work, take care of their kids and study part time! How the heck do u guys do it?

And so, this is where i am right now, at 32 where my career is concerned. Almost 10 years, and I need a change. If Im going to stick around for another 30 years, i think its important that i break my journey into parts, take on different tasks, constantly develop myself and try out new things. Otherwise i think i will be unmotivated, complacent and run out of ideas. As it is now, I feel like im just repeating the motion and doing the same old thing, even I myself am sick of it.

And when I say Im ready for a change and take on different tasks, I dont mean Im ready to climb higher, take on more responsibilities..thats not quite my idea of challenging myself and keeping the sparks burning. That will probably kill any spark left in me. hah! Im really not ambitious, no ambitious bone in me at all, seriously.

I dont think all these feelings are coincidental. Sometimes its like an internal system that give you signals which leads you to a place you are supposed to be. For better or for worst, no one would know until you get there. And its actually your own personal view and perspective to judge if its better or worst for you. So i guess we should never regret any decisions we make, and always look on the bright side of things. Always.

So lets see what i will do. My paths have always been charted by something greater than my own indecisive plans. :)