I forgot that I wrote this entry below in my blog 4 days before I left for Hajj. I did not get to post it coz I was pretty busy then. Here it is now. My thoughts 4 days before I left. I hope to write a post reflection of my hajj in this blog so that I will not forget them. However, for some reason, I find it hard to put everything in words. I find it hard to describe how I truly felt in my heart, in my gut and in my every vein in my body when I was there. As much as I try to type them out in words, I can't explain why I broke down many times over there, I can't put in words, the joy, the sadness, the peace, the overwhelming gratitude to HIM, all rolled into one especially on the day of Arafah, as we stood under the sky, supplicating to HIM and feeling so powerless and small.
That was the day I probably can't ever forget for the rest of my life.
Anyway, that's for another entry. If I manage to find the words, that is. Below is the previously unposted entry 4 days before I left.
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My heart has been working overtime. The excitement, the fear, the humility, the thankfulness, the worry, the disbelief, the joy, the awe, all coming in waves. Mostly, I feel humbled and undeserving. For all my shortcomings, the invitation still did come. For all the things I fail to do despite all the blessings HE has given me, HE still extends his hand to give me an opportunity to bring me closer to HIM and to allow me to ask for HIS forgiveness in a place none can compare.
As I write this, tears are streaming down my eyes. This has been the case since I received news. Tears just flowed easily these days. I have no idea why. But mostly, I feel so humbled by it all.
I will be leaving 3 small children and a sick dad. Any mother and daughter would know that is not something easy to do. And I have only a week to prepare.
But together with the invitation, HE has given Alim and I strength, to deal with the overwhelming sadness of leaving our heart and soul for 29 days. The 3 little ones whom we have dragged across oceans and continents for our hols just because we can never even begin thinking of being separated from them for a day, will be separated from us for a month.
Tears are streaming down again. Excuse me for being so emo.
Together with the invitation too, HE has placed so much love in the hearts of people around us to make the preparation a much easier one. Our leave was approved quickly and arrangements at work were immediately made for us. Coincidentally I had taken a helper a few weeks ago because of my dad's condition so my mum will not be alone. And kind souls have offered to look after the kids. With that, we are at peace that our children will be in good hands, insya allah.
Many who have gone, mentioned about the tests and trials that will come throughout this journey. I don't really know what to expect. I pray I will be given patience. As important as it is to remember the steps of the hajj, I also begin to realize that this journey will be life changing. The tests we will be facing will make us only stronger, more reliant on him and forever thankful for whatever little we have. And I hope I am able to pick out the lessons that are meant for me.
Whatever we may face, we are in total submission to HIM. Leaving our kids was the first hard step we had to take in this journey to declare what our hearts have always felt and known, that there is nothing more important than HIM. And that no matter how heavy our hearts are, we are willing to drop everything for HIS purpose.
We are blessed and words cannot describe how thankful we are to our parents who despite having their own plans, are willing to put everything on hold and take care of our children. To family members who stepped in and volunteered to care for our children. Without them this journey would probably have not been possible. May HE bless them all.
In syaa Allah, may HE accepts our ibadah and guide us the way.
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