Because no one should be put on a pedestal

Recently I was reminded that no one person in this planet can fully make you happy. It's impossible to expect happiness from any one person because one day we get reminders that this person has let you down or will let you down. The only way a person can let you down is when you allow that person to be placed high up in your life in the first place, thinking that this person is incapable of hurting you some day.

But the truth is, no one can bring you happiness except HIM. There is no one person in this world that you can fully trust except in HIM.

Thank you for the reminder.

Thank you for the reminder to not remain too attached to any human and not to hold him in impossibly high regard.

Still, even with that realisation, it still hurts when you discover the truth. It still hurts when you realise this person is actually not who you thought he/she is. Why does it hurt when you have already known all along? I have no idea. It still hurts.

Perhaps it hurts because you know your perception of that person has already changed. And it will never be the same again. And you know that something has disappeared and will never return. You also know that no matter how normal life can be after that, slowly it eats you and leaves empty gaps for hatred and bitterness to seep through. And there's no turning back.

Perhaps it also hurts because now you know what that person thinks of you too. And he doesn't think of you as much as you do for him/her. That there is resentment and negative perceptions which he has been having of you. How sweet.

So you live your life as if nothing has happened.
But the truth is everything has changed.

---Just random thoughts. Don't dig in too deep into this and start guessing or making conclusions about what's happening in my life. Thank you.

Conflict

The hardest conflict I have to face each day is between myself and I. The internal struggle within me to do what my heart desires and what my rational mind reasons. Between these two I have to heed the rational decision but sometimes I fail.

If you ask me what is the one change I have undergone since my Hajj trip, I would say my heart is cleaner and my.mind clearer, unearthing a moral compass. Dusting off all the dirt that's has piled on it over the years. The moment I was there and as soon as I returned home, my conscience grew sharper and clearer.

Eventually it's still up to me to react. However I have developed this voice in my head or in my heart which signals what is right. I have a religious conscience or siren in me that blares aloud when I was about to make a wrong turn or a decision which will bring.me further from.the deen.  The same siren in me keeps the final goal always in check.

And so, whenever I do something which brings me further from my deen, I will know it, I will have a nagging conscience and  a sense of guilt which I did not feel as frequently before I went to Hajj.

But beyond that realisation, HE has left the decision to me and that's when I shape my own destiny and be judged upon.

As the Hajj trip becomes a distant memory, I could sense this moral signal getting dimmer.

I need the strength to do what is right. I have already been given the wisdom to know what's right. And so it's up to me to follow it no matter how much of a struggle it is. So far, I have failed based on my own.critical judgement.  I have never judged myself so easily and forgivingly.  In fact, if only people knew how much of a critic I am to myself , they would realise that I would have thought of everything.

Restrain. I have learnt to talk less and ask HIM more. A recent disappointment has taught me to deal with HIS decisions with full trust and patience and letting go. It has taught me not to bark at the wrong tree as a result of my inability to deal with my disappointment.

I need the strength. To let go. To trust. To fight for what I want before the decision is made. To stop lamenting and move on. To.trust that whatever I dislike may be best for me.

Give me strength because I know that for this keeping quiet is the best. Give me strength to accept.

Good company

This new year, I pray for good company. To be surrounded by people who are sincere, positive and who inspire me to keep my eye on our ultimate purpose.

I do believe that people around us affect how we are. I hope I am surrounded by people who keep me close to HIM. I hope my family and those close to me will continue to grow towards that direction as we inspire, encourage and support each other in this lifelong journey on this temporary plain.

May HE protect us from people who are pretentious,  people with hidden agenda, people with nothing but hatred and jealousy, people who enjoy exposing other people's weaknesses. My constant prayer is for HIM to make them and me better people who are always thankful for all his blessings,  who do not judge others easily, who constantly pray for others even if we disagree with them.

May HE keep us calm in times of anger and love despite being hurt. I wish my children will learn that too.