Conflict

The hardest conflict I have to face each day is between myself and I. The internal struggle within me to do what my heart desires and what my rational mind reasons. Between these two I have to heed the rational decision but sometimes I fail.

If you ask me what is the one change I have undergone since my Hajj trip, I would say my heart is cleaner and my.mind clearer, unearthing a moral compass. Dusting off all the dirt that's has piled on it over the years. The moment I was there and as soon as I returned home, my conscience grew sharper and clearer.

Eventually it's still up to me to react. However I have developed this voice in my head or in my heart which signals what is right. I have a religious conscience or siren in me that blares aloud when I was about to make a wrong turn or a decision which will bring.me further from.the deen.  The same siren in me keeps the final goal always in check.

And so, whenever I do something which brings me further from my deen, I will know it, I will have a nagging conscience and  a sense of guilt which I did not feel as frequently before I went to Hajj.

But beyond that realisation, HE has left the decision to me and that's when I shape my own destiny and be judged upon.

As the Hajj trip becomes a distant memory, I could sense this moral signal getting dimmer.

I need the strength to do what is right. I have already been given the wisdom to know what's right. And so it's up to me to follow it no matter how much of a struggle it is. So far, I have failed based on my own.critical judgement.  I have never judged myself so easily and forgivingly.  In fact, if only people knew how much of a critic I am to myself , they would realise that I would have thought of everything.

Restrain. I have learnt to talk less and ask HIM more. A recent disappointment has taught me to deal with HIS decisions with full trust and patience and letting go. It has taught me not to bark at the wrong tree as a result of my inability to deal with my disappointment.

I need the strength. To let go. To trust. To fight for what I want before the decision is made. To stop lamenting and move on. To.trust that whatever I dislike may be best for me.

Give me strength because I know that for this keeping quiet is the best. Give me strength to accept.