The life of a Sinagporean working mother

My mind is occupied by tiny bits and pieces of incoherent thoughts. I think it is time to rant. i'm too lazy to think through things and write in pretty sentences. so i shall just type what comes to mind, at this minute, this second. it will be confusing, im sure. it will be long. im certain.

i wonder why is it i spend 90% of my time, energy, brain cells, emotion on something less important. Maybe I am saying this because i have no passion in what im doing. Maybe Im saying this because I have found a new love. and it is NOT my job. i wake up every morning as if im yanked out of bed, walk to a certain place, complete certain tasks, go home, my mind still bogged by work and sees nothing else. Im not happy with this arrangement of my life but im not sure how to change it. Irfan is not even schooling yet but it makes me wonder how i'm going to be a good parent at this rate im going. how do u working mothers do it? im sure something or someone is shortchanged. Most of the time its probably ourselves. i know, i would get through the days. i noe i will. but i am not sure if im happy with just getting through the days.

there should be more to life than being a proficient juggler.

Maybe i dunt like my job. maybe i dunt like certain areas of my job. maybe i dunt like the place where im working. maybe im just being lazy. maybe i expect everything to come easy.

or like always, maybe im thinking too much.

almost all working mothers go through this, so why am i complaining?

but all i do noe is work is taking too much of my time. work is also invading too much of my thoughts. i lay in bed at night and im thinking about work. higher pay equates to higher responsibility, more headache that spills over at home, eats up on your family time. and i dunt think i want to spend the rest of my life that way.
we all agree that family is the most important, our top most priority. but why is it that on the average weekday, i spent 11 hours of my day working and maximum 8 hours of sleeping, so what does that leave me? 5 waking hours each day to spend with the husband n irfan. dat is if he is still awake. that's pretty sad isnt it? im pretty sure, many working parents are also in the same shoes.

i've heard it so many times.
some of us r too busy that we dunt even have time to reflect and think about all those time that have passed at work. its just an automatic mechanism in us. to go work. get back from work. look into our kids n husband's needs and continue the routine tomorrow. yes i noe im lucky to have a husband who does the housework and takes care of irfan better than me. im ever thankful for that. but the point im making is not about the lack of time and energy for houswork (I dunt even want to go there) but the lack of LIBERTY to have more ENJOYABLE time with our own family.

and enough talk about QUALITY TIME with the family, pls. when u dunt even have the time in the first place, when your bodies are tired and your mind is still thinking about work, what QUALITY time do you want to talk about?!

and so its back to juggling. back to how well u can juggle before one of the balls hit you and you fall flat on your face. and see everything which you've tried all these years to keep in the air, hit the floor one by one. and guess who gets the blame? YOU. for being a poor juggler. for not being able to educate your kids with the right morals. for letting your kids slipped. when all you have been doing your whole life was trying your best to KEEP UP!

i noe im looking at it from the most depressing perspective.

but watever it is, i noe i will get used to these. i know one day it will all be so routined that i will be too tired to complain. N i worry for that day. i worry that one day i will see this routine as just HOW LIFE IS. coz i dunt think this is how i want it.

if i have a choice i wouldnt want it this way. wait a minute i DO have a choice. everyone does.

but over here, in this sunny island, our choices are pretty much very limited.

but the question is, am i brave enough to make THAT choice?

and at what expense?