Dear alisha,

my oh my, our lil brown bear has grown. you are SIX months now.
you are rather tiny. weighing only 6.6kg, you have just doubled your birth weight. we really dunno how to fatten you up. u dunt drink much milk, preferring to move about instead.

at 6 months, you are all over, alisha. you are like a lil boy, always so active, alert and moving about. and this month, your favourite thing to do is standing!! we thought we dont have to worry about that until a few more months, but i guess you are a lil impatient to get to places, arent u?

you just love to stand so much and have been teaching yourself this skill since you were born. i remember how u will always lift your head even as young as a month old. and this month, you did it! you are finally able to pull up and stand holding onto something.

you seldom sit. eversince u learnt to crawl last month, you will crawl everywhere. and you crawl especially to get to a destination where u can pull to stand. you will trample over abang when he is lying down. you will hook your tiny fingers onto abang ears when he is sitting and pull yourself up. you dont care if its my T-shirt, abang's head, atok's knees, sofa...as long as you can grab onto it, pull and stand. Im sure you cant wait to walk and get to places. Be patient, lil girl. U will one day. you are only 6 months, and u want to do so many things..

and i guess, because you are so determined to get to places, u sleep so little. Nenek is so frustrated at times and she is not sure what to do with you coz u are always always awake. we have to watch over u all the time. u want to see everything, touch everything, eat everything and stand everywhere!. all the time. pheww..its quite tiring for us.

and u are still apprehensive towards strangers. u will wail when they carry u. the last thing u would do is smile at an unfamiliar face. you will only show your widest grin to us, people closest to u. i wonder why..

and i also wonder why u are so fascinated with laptops. when u see a laptop across the room, u will get so excited and crawl as fast as u could towatds it, bulldoze your way through anything in between. u like pressing the keys and then staring at the screen looking for a reaction and get so fascinated by it.

and now, u just hate being left at home. when u see me heading for the door without u, u will scream, cry and start moving frantically. u dunt like to be left behind, do u?

when i reach home from work, you will always welcome me with your enthusiasm. the moment u see me, you will squeal in excitement and move your arms, legs enthusiastically, asking to be carried. and when i do carry u, u will smile your biggest smile:)

at 6 months, you are learning so much. and u just wont slow down...
we will be here, brown bear, trying our best to save your falls.

so till next month,
love,
ibu

We miss your spunk, boy.


irfan was left at my sis's place the other day while alim and i had to do some errands. when we came home, irfan was pretty quiet.
he called me twice to ask to go home which was rather strange coz he enjoys playing with qistina.
i found out later, all of them watched a horror movie over mio. something called suara dari kubor. i understand from my mum later that there were some scenes of pochong. when we got home, irfan was very quiet and behaving strangely. to put simply, he had lost all his spunk; his loud vocal chords somehow vanished, his hyperactivity stumped and he was just so lethargic and stony. these went on for a few days and i was getting pretty worried coz this boy is always on the go and so the change was very obvious.
i asked him if he was spooked by the scary movie. he said no and refused to talk about it. he did say its only a movie and they were wearing makeup and then kept quiet. but he spoke so little, which again was so unlike him. he prayed maghrib with all of us, and didnt even budge a bit from the prayer mat. no swiinging, no turning and definitely no squirming. so strange.
that night when we got home, he asked alim to pray and get to bed. he wanted all of us to be in bed. he sat on the bed for the longest time blinking and blinking. he closed his eyes a few times but woke up later and looked around. he was the one to wake us up when alisha cried for milk at 5 am. He was obviously affected by something but didnt say what it was. it is rather strange coz i always thought of him as someone who blurts out everything and anything.
for a few days it went on like that. he didnt want to tell us what was wrong. he was so lethargic. he slumps himself on the bed or on the sofa and just kept quiet. some times he watches TV and when it's off he just sits there blinking or fiddles with his toys. when i crack a joke or disturb him, he will still smile but thats all. no disturbing back, no shouting, no lanyak lanyak oso. we couldnt believe that it had been 3 days and we still didnnt have to ask him to be quiet or shut him up.
he had trouble sleeping, that was quite obvious coz he didnt just fall asleep like he used to. even if he falls asleep, he would wake up in the middle of the night, eyes very wide and looked around the room. i wondered if he was spooked or could it be a medical problem. yes i love to worry but the change was so apparent; from one extreme to another so any mum would have been worried too!
so i tried asking him again, had to resort to saying, we'd buy him ice cream if he told us what was wrong. He finally said, in a very soft voice (again, strange) "i am scared. that movie at qistina house. i am scared. But I dont want ice cream. Ice cream is not good for me. Vegetables is better." that was all.
so he was indeed spooked. i think he was sooo spooked that he didnt even want to talk about it. this is the first time ive seen him like this. he had watched horror movies before, and told me right out he is scared but never behaved in this way. quite scary actually to see him like that.
and i must say, i appreciate his spunk much more now! imagine, i actually missed that.
he is slowly getting back but still not the same irfan. we try not to talk about it anymore and keep him occupied with other things. hope he gets back soon:)

yes, sticking to each other is a good idea especially during moments in your life when your parents become your least favourite people.(although I hope that day will never come)
You will need each other, for one reason or another..trust me.

Nobody likes liars but I especially hate them.
I am not sure if the problem lies with me. The fact that i have an issue with trusting people. The way i see it, it is a fine line between trust and being blind to things which are happening beneath the surface. and to be oblivious makes me feel stupid. and i have to admit i hate feeling stupid.

its no surprise that even people closest to you are capable of lying. there are so many cases of husbands cheating on their wives right under their noses and vice versa. i dunno which is worst; the fact that their husbands are interested in other people or the fact that they have been lied to all these time. For me, I think the latter would be more painful.

People lie for a variety of reasons. Basically, they want to hide things which they know at some level are unacceptable. But they cannot help but to do them anyway. A poor decision has been made. It was a lack of better judgement but the deed had been done. They are unable to control how they feel and proceed with the decision to do it. Afterwhich, these things have to be sealed in a form of a lie so that normalcy will prevail.

So i ask myself, what would I do, if im put in that situation. In a situation where despite knowing that it is unacceptable, I cant control my wants and proceed on. What would I do? Stop myself?Or go ahead and do it? After which do I lie about it or admit it and let the truth be out? It is a difficult decision, more difficult than deciding to do the unacceptable and bear the consequences in the first place.

I would probably lie too? But day to day living would be a torture. Having to face someone knowing that you are keeping something from that person is pure torture to me. And if anyone can ever do that; keep a straight face within a very close proximity day in and day out, I really think this person is close to being not human. Someone with no conscience dont deserve to be called human, no?

Thats the responsibility u have to commit to for lying isnt it? You lie and you have to maintain it. You maintain it by distinguishing every single sense of conscience in you. So much so, that you convince yourself that you are not lying, but come up with some justification to make up for your lack of/absence of conscience. Some poeple are capable of it, others choose to lift this heavy burden of their chests and tell the truth. The truth hurts and opening a can of worms is never pleasant. And it takes guts to do it. Not everyone has enough of it.

Good decision making is a lifelong learning experience. Even in primary school, we teach our pupils to make sound decisions in our values inculcation programme. But until adulthood, we are still learning. I am guilty of making bad decisions at times and I am constantly learning.

My approach to people who lie is simple. Ive always told my students, my colleagues, irfan that it is always better to tell me the truth even if it hurts. I will like to think that I am a calm and rational person. A person who always look for the grey in things, a person who would say that its ok that a mistake has been made; that a mistake is usually a result of sum of things; an action usually has a cause and nobody should be seen as a total villain or a saint. BUT i cant say the same if a lie has been told to me. Im afraid I cant.

In case anyone is wondering, this entry is not a result of a personal experience. But more of the happenings ive encountered these past few weeks. Lying, dishonesty seemed to be the theme these few weeks and thus Im propelled to write this entry.

SO in case you dont get the gist of this entry; the message is simple. Tell the truth and there is a chance of everything being forgiven. But lie, and I wont even bother to sit down and psycho-analyse the situation; i wont even consider your perspective or ask why.
I would just reiterate my earlier point that I should not have been lied to.

But that is just me. If someone gives you an innocent front but is actually swallowing a painful truth, what would you do if and when you find out?
What would you do?

finally, a fortnight of misery is over and i feel so relieved!!! can breathe easier now..although i still have plenty to do actually. next week, another event coming up and ive been arrowed to emcee the event. me emcee? they must be nuts but as usual, i would hv no choice but to do it..and no public humiliation is my only target. arrow me last min sumore...tsk tsk ..well..soon it would be over too and the much awaited holidays will arrive!!! hooray.

here' s just some thoughts that came to mind over the last two weeks..

1) its funny how the internet keeps you connected with the outside world but disconnects you from people staying in the same hse as you.

2) you can love your country and hate the government. hating the government should not be an indication of how patriotic u r.

3) 5 important things that should be the basis of my strategy to mould these young minds:- transmit facts, educate them abt these facts, provoke their minds to think critically, inspire them to ask questions and empower them to change things around them. They should question and wonder. All the time. I must remind myself not to stop at point one coz facts can easily be found at any click of the button. and if that is the case then i am totally irrelevant.

4) A little child is always sensitive. No matter how playful they seemed to be.

5)THe more people you deal with in your home, the more likely you will end up in conflict. But there will also be more reasons for you to resolve them quickly.

6) i can die tomorrow so whats the point of prolonging any feelings that tire me out.

Helloooo weeeekkkend!!boy, am i glad u r here.

Little baby girl, mummy needs to see your smile coz this coming week will be absolute miseryyyyyyyyyyyy...:((((

ahh..cant wait for the hols!!