I don't ever remember specifically teaching irfan any of these things...so i really wonder where he gets these ideas from...he surprises me with his ideas...maybe it's from school or tv,...im not quite sure.
Incident 1
yesterday we saw a heavily pregnant lady and i was just curious what was going on in irfan's tiny lil head. so I asked him,
ME: What's in her tummy?
IRFAN: Baby
ME: How is the baby going to come out?
I had expected him to say something along the lines of cutting open the tummy and extracting the baby...but he surprised me with this answer:
IRFAN: Come out from a big hole
ME: Hole?which hole?where is the hole?
IRFAN: Hole where the ibu kencing. Can ibu? can come out from there or not?
not quite sure what to say, i just nodded and said, "yah...something like that...hey look what's that? " and quickly changed the subject before he starts firing me with more questions, like he always does.
Incident 2:
We were watching Animal Funniest Videos on tv and they were showing some pigs doing something funny..and Irfan out of the blue , dengan bersungguh-sungguh said,
Irfan: Ayah, we cannot touch pig, you know!"
Alim: Why not? Is it dirty?
Irfan: Cause...later Allah ANGRY!
I looked at alim and asked " did you teach him that? Coz I sure didnt" alim said no. MAybe he learnt it in school ...but we often tell him that we have to pray coz later allah angry, but not about touching pigs....
Then alim asked: How about dogs? Can we touch dogs?
Irfan: ( starts thinking. i can almost see his lil brain ticking) Dog, CAAAANN.
Alim: Why?
Irfan: Coz dog good boy...dog can play with irfan..dog can help irfan..I like dogs, ayah. Can buy?
We left it as that and didnt bother to correct him, coz i honestly dunno how to explain to a 3 year old why we can't touch dogs. If I were to say later allah angry, he will definitely ask me why...and I wouldnt know what to say.
Actually, it's no surprise that he views dogs as friendly creatures coz almost all children's books portray dogs as childrens' best friends. He has books which show dogs playing with lil boys and girls, fetching toys and licking their faces in delight. So i guess, that's where he got the idea that dogs are fun to have.
As he gets older, I also noticed he's becoming more sympathetic to others and has shed some of his egocentrism. He tries to cheer people up when they are down and again, I dunno where he learns them from. I dunt remember doing this to him or to anyone around the house so i doubt its from modelling.
Incident 3
Irfan: Ibu, why your face like that? ( pulls his lips down to show me a sad face- which, by the way was really funny!)
I didnt even notice he was looking at me and i didnt even realize that my face was showing how i was feeling. I was unhappy with something but didnt know my face was showing.
In no mood to reply, I just kept quite. He came close to me and looked straight into my eyes and asked again" Why ibu? Are you ok?" N nod nod his head. By this time, I wanted to laugh but played along, and showed an even sadder face. After all, it's not always that I get this much attention from anyone. Heheh.
After a few moments of looking symapthetically into my eyes,
he said, " Smile ibu, Big smile like this." and he gave me the biggest smile ever.
The first time he ever did that to me, my heart melted till it flooded my house!! I guess its true kids are really very sensitive to our moods and they can tell if you are unhappy or not. It's really nice to have someone try to cheer you up like that.
On another occasion, well, ok, I do get my bad moods a lot at times, so he asked " Ibu, why your face like that? (and again, pulls his lips down to show a sad face). " Who disturb you, ibu?" Just for the fun of it, I pulled an even longer face and said, "Ayah! Ayah disturb me." Hehe.
He stood up, marched over to alim, who was in the toilet, happily minding his own business. Irfan came up to him, started cekak pinggang and with an almost defeaning voice said , "AYAH! Why you disturb ibu? Say sorry now!"
Of course, alim ignored him, knowing that it must be one of my silly ideas.
I couldnt help but laugh and that must have confused irfan a bit. Anyway, isnt it nice to have someone blindly stand up for you like that!!:)
I guess 3 year olds are smarter than we think. We dunt have to teach them for them to learn, they just pick everything and make their own conclusions. They probably have formed these ideas in their heads a long time ago, but only now, they are able to verbalise them. The questions are coming fast and getting more difficult for me to answer. Most times, I dunno how to simplify the answers to a level of a 3 year old. Once, just for experimental sake, I answered him using proper sentence, proper terms, like how I would explain to an adult. I am very sure he doesnt know what I am saying, and almost half of the words he has never heard before. After the 'cheem' explanantion, he kept quiet, looked at me and finally said, "Ohhh" and barely a second later, asked" Why ibu? Why like that, ibu?" Why?" Not knowing what to say, I revert to my "Hey look, what's that?" strategy and changed the subject. Luckily, he's easily distracted.
I find it really fun finding out what he is thinking and expeimenting with his thought processes. Of course, sometimes, he will give me silly answers which I never quite figure out. And at times, he is just so impossible, that I feel like tying him up to a tree. But most times, he is always there to brighten up my days. :)
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Friday, September 05, 2008
Been a good, fruitful week...
got many things done!
brought irfan to watch thomas today. of course, he was super excited, despite it being his nap time.
before we left, i vaguely remember him putting something in my bag and saying something about wanting to give thomas a present.
in the middle of the show, thomas appeared and the lil fella was super excited, reached for my bag and asked for the present. for a while, i didnt know what he was asking. he dug my bag and took out this.
to me, it was just a piece of paper and i thought he took my mess of receipts in my bag, by mistake. but he held on tightly to it and asked, "When can i see thomas and give present?"
"later, and are you sure that is the present for thomas."
"sure," he replied.
of course, the show ended without us having a chance to see thomas up close, much less give thomas any presents. once the curtain closed, the lights came on and that was it.
he was dissapointed at first but as usual, we managed to distract him with something else.
soon he forgot all about it. kesian tak kesampaian nak kasi present.
later, in the car, he fell asleep and the paper fell and i was telling alim, it's funny how a folded paper like this can be a present for thomas. alim told me to open it and look inside.
haizz...kesian. he had actually wrapped the dolphin he made earlier, thinking that he would give it to thomas later.
i can imagine his lil hands putting the dolphin carefully inside and folding the paper one side at a time, hoping thomas would like it.
and there i was thinkin that it was some piece of trash in my bag. shame on me!
earlier in the day, he had shoved me a blank piece of paper and asked to make a dolphin. i was doing something else so alim attended to him and i guess he helped draw the dolphin and cut it. i was too busy to notice him wrapping the dolphin and wasnt paying attention when he was explaining to me about the present. Actually many times, I have caught myself doing a million and other things when he is talking to me. But then again, he doesnt seem to mind coz he always goes on and on all the same.
Too bad thomas didnt get the carefully wrapped dolphin. Think I'll keep it in my bag for a while. And maybe lie to him that I have passed the present to thomas and that thomas loves it very much?!
That's what mothers do right? Do a white lie once in a while...
got many things done!
brought irfan to watch thomas today. of course, he was super excited, despite it being his nap time.
before we left, i vaguely remember him putting something in my bag and saying something about wanting to give thomas a present.
in the middle of the show, thomas appeared and the lil fella was super excited, reached for my bag and asked for the present. for a while, i didnt know what he was asking. he dug my bag and took out this.
to me, it was just a piece of paper and i thought he took my mess of receipts in my bag, by mistake. but he held on tightly to it and asked, "When can i see thomas and give present?"
"later, and are you sure that is the present for thomas."
"sure," he replied.
of course, the show ended without us having a chance to see thomas up close, much less give thomas any presents. once the curtain closed, the lights came on and that was it.
he was dissapointed at first but as usual, we managed to distract him with something else.
soon he forgot all about it. kesian tak kesampaian nak kasi present.
later, in the car, he fell asleep and the paper fell and i was telling alim, it's funny how a folded paper like this can be a present for thomas. alim told me to open it and look inside.
haizz...kesian. he had actually wrapped the dolphin he made earlier, thinking that he would give it to thomas later.
i can imagine his lil hands putting the dolphin carefully inside and folding the paper one side at a time, hoping thomas would like it.
and there i was thinkin that it was some piece of trash in my bag. shame on me!
earlier in the day, he had shoved me a blank piece of paper and asked to make a dolphin. i was doing something else so alim attended to him and i guess he helped draw the dolphin and cut it. i was too busy to notice him wrapping the dolphin and wasnt paying attention when he was explaining to me about the present. Actually many times, I have caught myself doing a million and other things when he is talking to me. But then again, he doesnt seem to mind coz he always goes on and on all the same.
Too bad thomas didnt get the carefully wrapped dolphin. Think I'll keep it in my bag for a while. And maybe lie to him that I have passed the present to thomas and that thomas loves it very much?!
That's what mothers do right? Do a white lie once in a while...
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Saw two funerals this year. For a long time, I've always said that I have 4 sets of grandparents..I have MANY grandparents, I used to say.
But this year, the number has significantly reduced. Like I said i saw 2 funerals this year and this year has not even ended yet. 2 funerals are too many.
I think I wrote an entry here somewhwre about how each of my grandparent is going through old age. Well, two of them have succumbed to their illness and passed.
To me, it was quick. It was so sudden. But in actual fact, so many years have gone by since their illness was first discovered. It's true, we are so caught up in living, that the years seemed like minutes till the minutes actually end.
It's funny how it seemed like it just took a minute for the person to disappear from the face of the earth. But the loss is forever.
I cannot ever imagine the devastation of losing someone I hold so dearly. I went to the grave and saw rows and rows of names. I'm sure each of their passing, has broken someone's heart.
It made me wonder. How many hearts were broken, when the sand covered her that gloomy, rainy evening when we bid her goodbye?
And how many realized and understood the last lesson she taught us when she passed? How many actually learnt from it and seize the opportunity to have a second shot at being better?
May her soul rest in peace. May she always be loved and remembered. For me, I will always remember her as a funny grandma, always with a kiddish laugh, red lipstick and overpowdered face. :)
You will be missed.
But this year, the number has significantly reduced. Like I said i saw 2 funerals this year and this year has not even ended yet. 2 funerals are too many.
I think I wrote an entry here somewhwre about how each of my grandparent is going through old age. Well, two of them have succumbed to their illness and passed.
To me, it was quick. It was so sudden. But in actual fact, so many years have gone by since their illness was first discovered. It's true, we are so caught up in living, that the years seemed like minutes till the minutes actually end.
It's funny how it seemed like it just took a minute for the person to disappear from the face of the earth. But the loss is forever.
I cannot ever imagine the devastation of losing someone I hold so dearly. I went to the grave and saw rows and rows of names. I'm sure each of their passing, has broken someone's heart.
It made me wonder. How many hearts were broken, when the sand covered her that gloomy, rainy evening when we bid her goodbye?
And how many realized and understood the last lesson she taught us when she passed? How many actually learnt from it and seize the opportunity to have a second shot at being better?
May her soul rest in peace. May she always be loved and remembered. For me, I will always remember her as a funny grandma, always with a kiddish laugh, red lipstick and overpowdered face. :)
You will be missed.
Monday, August 25, 2008
I found this post in my drafts. I have written it some time back when the govt came up with incentives and started the 4 mths maternity leave thingy and there was a lot of news coverage and buzz on it. Never got to posting it till now...
"Ok OK Im really getting dizzy from all this BABY talk...
Yesy, yes so we all know that money really doesnt make one totally motivated to have more kids. We really don't have to interview a dozen people and feature them in every newspaper to know that, do we?
So just to add one more thought to the already millions of thoughts out there on the baby issue, here's my two cents.
The way i see it, the clever people in white is not tackling the root cause of the problem. I think to many, what they are dishing out, is not what we need. Basically they are giving monetary incentives and more time with the baby ( ok I can really argue on whether the 4 mths maternity leave really solve the time issue but i think many people have talked about that so I think we get the picture that it really would not motivate everyone out there)
To me, the problem is that the people in white have been asking the wrong question. They are looking at the problem and thinking, "What are the factors that STOP couples from having more kids?" So they figured that it is money and time and so they start dishing these incentives out.
Firstly, the question is not beneficial and secondly the answers are not accurate. Couples with high incomes can easily afford more than 1 kid but these are the majority of couples who prefer to have less.
Many put off having kids because they want to concentrate on their careers first and do you think asking them to stop work for 4 months to take care of their baby will attract these ambitious women to start a family, and a big one too? In fact, it might just deter them even further.
So i think the more fundamental question is, "What motivate couples to have more kids?"
In the past, people had to go through worst living conditions, meagre income, and yet they still have the very least, 7 kids. Yes, you can argue that because the women were not educated back then and could stay home to take care of the kids. But is that what motivates them to have more?
I might be wrong here because i really dunt have figures, research to support my thoughts here, but i suspect, back then, to our parents, great grandparents, kids are an investment whom they can count on when they grow old to take care of them. That motivates them. SO , motivation is extremely crucial in wanting to have more kids.
For some , it's religion, others, the love for kids, the love for clutter, noise and coziness of a big family.
Today, the first point is not valid, because we are all so busy planning for our retirement, so much so that we don't have to depend on our kids when we are old.
And because having kids is a personal decision, motivation cannot come in monetary forms, it has to be a change in midset, an assurance that having more kids is the the best for your future, your family and not because your nation asks you to.
EVeryone wants the best for their family. And if the govt wants us to have more kids, they must show, prove how having more kids can be the best for our family in today's demanding time.
Yes, that is not an easy task, but it has to be done, coz, we the good citizens of tis sunny island, has been taught well that we have to the best in everything. And we all want to have the best for our family, that is the aspiration of all hardworking singaporeans out there.
OK so complain complain complain, what's the solution then?
All these just made me think they could probably encourage more couples to have more kids if they could prove by research that children with more siblings have an edge.
Now, we all want our kids to have an edge dunt we? We never want our kids to lose out on anythng. The best, remember?
So go dig up some research to prove kids with more than say, 2 siblings grow up with better social skills, pick up reading, writing and talking skills faster, more independent, creative , wholesome etc etc. And best of all, they learn to take care of each other, so much so that you can go to work with a peace of mind.
Then go on to say, how it might not be healthy for kids to have only one other sibling or alone. Show that it might be detrimental to their development. Of course research support would be crucial here coz we arent easily fooled by propaganda and brainwashing.
Judging from how parents would always do the best for their kids, these would just encourage those with one child to have at least 3.
Coupled with the incentivess given, this might just do the trick. Of course, this research needs to be true and then publicised well.
Not sure if it would encourage a lot more to decide to have more, but that's just a thought."
"Ok OK Im really getting dizzy from all this BABY talk...
Yesy, yes so we all know that money really doesnt make one totally motivated to have more kids. We really don't have to interview a dozen people and feature them in every newspaper to know that, do we?
So just to add one more thought to the already millions of thoughts out there on the baby issue, here's my two cents.
The way i see it, the clever people in white is not tackling the root cause of the problem. I think to many, what they are dishing out, is not what we need. Basically they are giving monetary incentives and more time with the baby ( ok I can really argue on whether the 4 mths maternity leave really solve the time issue but i think many people have talked about that so I think we get the picture that it really would not motivate everyone out there)
To me, the problem is that the people in white have been asking the wrong question. They are looking at the problem and thinking, "What are the factors that STOP couples from having more kids?" So they figured that it is money and time and so they start dishing these incentives out.
Firstly, the question is not beneficial and secondly the answers are not accurate. Couples with high incomes can easily afford more than 1 kid but these are the majority of couples who prefer to have less.
Many put off having kids because they want to concentrate on their careers first and do you think asking them to stop work for 4 months to take care of their baby will attract these ambitious women to start a family, and a big one too? In fact, it might just deter them even further.
So i think the more fundamental question is, "What motivate couples to have more kids?"
In the past, people had to go through worst living conditions, meagre income, and yet they still have the very least, 7 kids. Yes, you can argue that because the women were not educated back then and could stay home to take care of the kids. But is that what motivates them to have more?
I might be wrong here because i really dunt have figures, research to support my thoughts here, but i suspect, back then, to our parents, great grandparents, kids are an investment whom they can count on when they grow old to take care of them. That motivates them. SO , motivation is extremely crucial in wanting to have more kids.
For some , it's religion, others, the love for kids, the love for clutter, noise and coziness of a big family.
Today, the first point is not valid, because we are all so busy planning for our retirement, so much so that we don't have to depend on our kids when we are old.
And because having kids is a personal decision, motivation cannot come in monetary forms, it has to be a change in midset, an assurance that having more kids is the the best for your future, your family and not because your nation asks you to.
EVeryone wants the best for their family. And if the govt wants us to have more kids, they must show, prove how having more kids can be the best for our family in today's demanding time.
Yes, that is not an easy task, but it has to be done, coz, we the good citizens of tis sunny island, has been taught well that we have to the best in everything. And we all want to have the best for our family, that is the aspiration of all hardworking singaporeans out there.
OK so complain complain complain, what's the solution then?
All these just made me think they could probably encourage more couples to have more kids if they could prove by research that children with more siblings have an edge.
Now, we all want our kids to have an edge dunt we? We never want our kids to lose out on anythng. The best, remember?
So go dig up some research to prove kids with more than say, 2 siblings grow up with better social skills, pick up reading, writing and talking skills faster, more independent, creative , wholesome etc etc. And best of all, they learn to take care of each other, so much so that you can go to work with a peace of mind.
Then go on to say, how it might not be healthy for kids to have only one other sibling or alone. Show that it might be detrimental to their development. Of course research support would be crucial here coz we arent easily fooled by propaganda and brainwashing.
Judging from how parents would always do the best for their kids, these would just encourage those with one child to have at least 3.
Coupled with the incentivess given, this might just do the trick. Of course, this research needs to be true and then publicised well.
Not sure if it would encourage a lot more to decide to have more, but that's just a thought."
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Yesterday, marks the end of the many many months of training for the rugby boys and the husband who is in-charge of them. The excitement of participating in sports and Nationals is always undeniably exciting and heart stomping. Amidst all odds, the boys actually made it to the top 4..I mean for a neighbourhood school who don't have a ton of boys to choose from and affiliated primary schools to scout the best players from...top 4 was really awesome. As we all know rugby is a game always dominated by elite boys schools so it's pretty amazing that for the first time in many many years, an underdog of a neighbourhood school managed to grab a medal.:)So congratulations to BTS for proving that hard work pays.
Yesterday was the finals. My sis and I went, coz we were rooting for Haris. He played really well...well,I'm not an expert so I wouldnt know but alim said he did good. They lost. We kinda expected that but he took it well.
I come to realize, exposing your child to sports really builds up their confidence and character. For many many months, a lot of Haris's time was spent on hours of training and he never complained. His time and energy was channeled into something important and so he had no time to idle. I think for a teenager, idle time is extremely dangerous. I also see some changes in him and Im happy and proud to see how he has grown. I think the school he is in plays an important role in shaping him as a person.
To a certain extent, it is true that the kind of school you put your child in, really shapes their character. Of course, there are exceptions to this, some kids are just not moulded by the culture of the school. But majority do, especially students from elite schools as I observed during the rugby finals. Because the school culture is a certain way, generally the students from that school behave in a certain way and I suspect all the way to their adulthood. There is something similar and distinct about their character which makes them true to their school. The boys from the two schools really behaved differently from each other. For example in the way they speak, behave and carry themselves. And interesting enough, their parents who came to support also differ between the two schools. I wouldn't want to generalise but the boys from a particular school has an air about them which some may see as confidence, while others might just label them as extremely cocky.
All this made me wonder what kind of school should I put Irfan in? Of course, he's too young for me to be sure about his inclinations. I wonder, what his strengths would be and as a parent, how do I ensure his stregths are discovered and optimised.
Some say, the kind of things we expose a child in, is extremly important in shaping his charecter. The kind of school he is in will determine the kind of things he will be exposed to. But to me, as a parent, we can only limit our childs' exposure to a certain extent. We can't control all of his movements, so ore importantly we have to equip him with the right decision making skills so that no matter what kind of undesirable situations he is exposed to, ultimately he is able to make wise decisions for himself.
And that is definitely not an easy task for any parent.
Yesterday was the finals. My sis and I went, coz we were rooting for Haris. He played really well...well,I'm not an expert so I wouldnt know but alim said he did good. They lost. We kinda expected that but he took it well.
I come to realize, exposing your child to sports really builds up their confidence and character. For many many months, a lot of Haris's time was spent on hours of training and he never complained. His time and energy was channeled into something important and so he had no time to idle. I think for a teenager, idle time is extremely dangerous. I also see some changes in him and Im happy and proud to see how he has grown. I think the school he is in plays an important role in shaping him as a person.
To a certain extent, it is true that the kind of school you put your child in, really shapes their character. Of course, there are exceptions to this, some kids are just not moulded by the culture of the school. But majority do, especially students from elite schools as I observed during the rugby finals. Because the school culture is a certain way, generally the students from that school behave in a certain way and I suspect all the way to their adulthood. There is something similar and distinct about their character which makes them true to their school. The boys from the two schools really behaved differently from each other. For example in the way they speak, behave and carry themselves. And interesting enough, their parents who came to support also differ between the two schools. I wouldn't want to generalise but the boys from a particular school has an air about them which some may see as confidence, while others might just label them as extremely cocky.
All this made me wonder what kind of school should I put Irfan in? Of course, he's too young for me to be sure about his inclinations. I wonder, what his strengths would be and as a parent, how do I ensure his stregths are discovered and optimised.
Some say, the kind of things we expose a child in, is extremly important in shaping his charecter. The kind of school he is in will determine the kind of things he will be exposed to. But to me, as a parent, we can only limit our childs' exposure to a certain extent. We can't control all of his movements, so ore importantly we have to equip him with the right decision making skills so that no matter what kind of undesirable situations he is exposed to, ultimately he is able to make wise decisions for himself.
And that is definitely not an easy task for any parent.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Updates
The destination this month is Butterfly Park at Sentosa. According to my mum, he was very fascinated by every single insect he came across with that day. And the guide capitalised on his enthusiasm by making him the guinea pig and putting all sorts of insects on his lil body.
The guide putting a stick insect on his cap.
There's a stick insect on his cap and a grasshopper on his T-shirt.
So far he hasn't been bitten by anything yet, so I think he doesnt know that some insects can be dangerous and painful when they bite.
Well last month, we also celebrated Racial Harmony Day. Since he enjoys dressing up, he chose to go Indian this year. Schools are very on about such celebrations, so as usual, I dusted one of my Racial Harmony Day costumes and put it on. In a few years time, will repeat this top again. :)
Costumes from where else, but good ol' Mustafa!
He also had his National Celebrations in school and I managed to drop by his school to see the chaos and madness of lil toddlers in a celebration mood. They were all over, each doing their own thing and I managed to observe Irfan a lil. He was pretty mild that day and quite well-behaved. I also noticed that he preferred to mix around with older boys...and pretty much ignore the other lil wobbly toddlers.
Moving on...we managed to have a short shopping break to KL. What more can I say..shopping is always good.:)
Picture doesnt include one driver, one babysitter and one bank teller.They sure make our shopping experience much more comfortable:)
Work has been good lately...been going home before 3 more often and not doing work at home. Well, when managament changes, certain things are bound to be different. So far it has been good and hope it continues...
Till later.
The destination this month is Butterfly Park at Sentosa. According to my mum, he was very fascinated by every single insect he came across with that day. And the guide capitalised on his enthusiasm by making him the guinea pig and putting all sorts of insects on his lil body.
The guide putting a stick insect on his cap.
There's a stick insect on his cap and a grasshopper on his T-shirt.
So far he hasn't been bitten by anything yet, so I think he doesnt know that some insects can be dangerous and painful when they bite.
Well last month, we also celebrated Racial Harmony Day. Since he enjoys dressing up, he chose to go Indian this year. Schools are very on about such celebrations, so as usual, I dusted one of my Racial Harmony Day costumes and put it on. In a few years time, will repeat this top again. :)
Costumes from where else, but good ol' Mustafa!
He also had his National Celebrations in school and I managed to drop by his school to see the chaos and madness of lil toddlers in a celebration mood. They were all over, each doing their own thing and I managed to observe Irfan a lil. He was pretty mild that day and quite well-behaved. I also noticed that he preferred to mix around with older boys...and pretty much ignore the other lil wobbly toddlers.
Moving on...we managed to have a short shopping break to KL. What more can I say..shopping is always good.:)
Picture doesnt include one driver, one babysitter and one bank teller.They sure make our shopping experience much more comfortable:)
Work has been good lately...been going home before 3 more often and not doing work at home. Well, when managament changes, certain things are bound to be different. So far it has been good and hope it continues...
Till later.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
A good day is when the lil boy says "I love you" out of the blue, totally unexpected.
A good day is when a parent comes to you and said you made a difference to his child's life.
A great day is when you are sitting at the corner of an empty cafe with a loved one,
and the wind blows across you, and then, your favourite song comes on.
I had a great day today. Thank you for being the one who shares the song with me.:)
A good day is when a parent comes to you and said you made a difference to his child's life.
A great day is when you are sitting at the corner of an empty cafe with a loved one,
and the wind blows across you, and then, your favourite song comes on.
I had a great day today. Thank you for being the one who shares the song with me.:)
Saturday, July 12, 2008
A Reminder to Myself
(Found this in one of the saved posts- unpublished..probably due to lack of time...)
there's so many things to be thankful for in this life. too many, that i dunt think my lifetime of thanks will ever be enough.
many good things have come so easily. they are borrowed, no less, coz nuthing is really ours. so that means these good things can be taken away just as easily too. mere humans, we really have no control over anything except to plea to the greatest power to spare us yet another day, for us to show our immense gratitude as HIS humble creation and another day for us to work towards saving our souls.
as the days passed and as we proceed through the the different stages of life, we expand family ties and the number of pple we love multiply. when we were younger, the only love we noe, is that of our immediate family. then marriage comes and now there's more people to love; our wife/husband and his whole family. then we give birth, we created more pple to love; our own children and if god bless, our daughters/sons-in-laws and grandchildren. and the best part is, theres more people in this world who loves us back.
along with these love comes more responsibilities. now as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter in law. during my younger days, i used to see these responsibilities as a burden but now i realize how silly i was.
now i noe dat it is indeed a blessing to have more responsibilities. HE has promised that if we were to perform our responsibilities as a wife well, we will be blessed with much more AFTER. and as a mother, if we r able to raise a good child, its in our child's prayers that we depend on in the days AFTER. i am thankful that HE has given me the opportunity to be both; a wife and a mother. these are NOT the work of mine. but its up to me HOW i want to make use of these opportunities. they serve as means to an end. An end which all of us cant escape from.
responsibilities are never easy. so each day is a challenge to myself to perform them well. i think my lifetime is for these.
the presence of LOVE definitely makes it easier. In fact, u wont see them as responsibilities at all. u do it coz its in your heart to do so, not some work to be done and completed.
there's an opportunity in every family ties, in every human relation that we have. an opportunity to love, to do good.
knowing that we are on borrowed time, we just want to provide the most and treasure our loved ones. it is not within our knowledge to know who will leave first n we dont want to regret anything when it doesnt matter anymore.
so i see now, that there is no time to remain angry with anyone or to bear grudges when life is already too short and unpredictable.
im still learning to perform my roles as a wife, daughter, daughter in law and mother, etc.
and i pray that i am given the time to continue learning and the stregth and patience to do them well.
and when things get difficult, i hope i will never forget the bigger picture; that these worldly responsibilities and family ties are indeed opportunities for us to do good n decorate our souls, for when our bodies are limp and withered.
(Found this in one of the saved posts- unpublished..probably due to lack of time...)
there's so many things to be thankful for in this life. too many, that i dunt think my lifetime of thanks will ever be enough.
many good things have come so easily. they are borrowed, no less, coz nuthing is really ours. so that means these good things can be taken away just as easily too. mere humans, we really have no control over anything except to plea to the greatest power to spare us yet another day, for us to show our immense gratitude as HIS humble creation and another day for us to work towards saving our souls.
as the days passed and as we proceed through the the different stages of life, we expand family ties and the number of pple we love multiply. when we were younger, the only love we noe, is that of our immediate family. then marriage comes and now there's more people to love; our wife/husband and his whole family. then we give birth, we created more pple to love; our own children and if god bless, our daughters/sons-in-laws and grandchildren. and the best part is, theres more people in this world who loves us back.
along with these love comes more responsibilities. now as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter in law. during my younger days, i used to see these responsibilities as a burden but now i realize how silly i was.
now i noe dat it is indeed a blessing to have more responsibilities. HE has promised that if we were to perform our responsibilities as a wife well, we will be blessed with much more AFTER. and as a mother, if we r able to raise a good child, its in our child's prayers that we depend on in the days AFTER. i am thankful that HE has given me the opportunity to be both; a wife and a mother. these are NOT the work of mine. but its up to me HOW i want to make use of these opportunities. they serve as means to an end. An end which all of us cant escape from.
responsibilities are never easy. so each day is a challenge to myself to perform them well. i think my lifetime is for these.
the presence of LOVE definitely makes it easier. In fact, u wont see them as responsibilities at all. u do it coz its in your heart to do so, not some work to be done and completed.
there's an opportunity in every family ties, in every human relation that we have. an opportunity to love, to do good.
knowing that we are on borrowed time, we just want to provide the most and treasure our loved ones. it is not within our knowledge to know who will leave first n we dont want to regret anything when it doesnt matter anymore.
so i see now, that there is no time to remain angry with anyone or to bear grudges when life is already too short and unpredictable.
im still learning to perform my roles as a wife, daughter, daughter in law and mother, etc.
and i pray that i am given the time to continue learning and the stregth and patience to do them well.
and when things get difficult, i hope i will never forget the bigger picture; that these worldly responsibilities and family ties are indeed opportunities for us to do good n decorate our souls, for when our bodies are limp and withered.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Irfan and me
This holiday, I can say that I had spent a lot of time with Irfan. He is also having his holidays, so I seized the opportunity to spend time with him, every hour of the day. Alim was away on a rugby trip for a few days so for about 5 days, it was just Irfan and me at home.
I think when school reopens, I would be the one having difficulty parting with him, especially the first day of school. :( I never thought I could enjoy the company of a2+ year old as much as I did. At this age, these toddlers are able to have a two way communication and they do make sense, well..most times.
His concentration span has a also improved a great deal so I could actually enjoy some quiet moments with him completing 4 to 6 pieces puzzles. I'm surprised he could actually complete these puzzles at one seating with full concentration; given the abundance of energy he has.
One day, we spent almost half the day, moulding playdoh. He wanted me to mould 3 people; ayah, ibu and irfan. His job was to add in the eyes, nose, mouth, ears and shoes. He also requested that I built 'ayah's car' for the family to go out shopping.
Irfan in blue, ayah in green (check out the Elvis cum P Ramlee hair) and me in pink.
Playdoh is definitely one of my favourite toy now, not only it encourages creativity but you can teach a million and one things to your toddler through playing play doh. From our little activity, he managed to learn a lil about colours, body parts and size. I just tried to extend what he knew and introduce a few new ideas which Im sure he didnt know. The other day, we moulded animals and he told me that birds must have wings, snake is long and must be rolled and an elephant have a long nose. I took the opportunity to introduce some animals he didn't know and moulded them, whilst making him put the body parts. Great teaching tool, isnt it and most importantly it's a lot of fun!
Over the holidays, one of the things I wanted to do with Irfan was to expose him to more things, and especially to work a lil on his phonics and his colour recognition. But the most important thing is to weave them into play and make it fun, fun , fun! That way, both of us can enjoy the activity and he can also pick a thing or two.
I have been introducing him to colours for a while now, but he is taking a pretty long time to recognise them. Actually I find it surprising that he could recognise shapes quicker than colours. So during the holidays, I looked around the house and collected objects which are blue, yellow, green and red and mixed them all up. I deliberately chose items which he liked, which are as real as possible, like bananas, oranges, apples, peas....things which he likes touching but seldom got a chance to. I took 4 boxes and put 2 same coloured items in each box and ask irfan to find other items which are of the same colour. Of course, he enjoyed the idea of walking around finding things and putting them in boxes.
From this activity, I realized he is able to group based on colours. But the problem is, he could not remember what the colour is called.
Now, Im thinking of how to teach him names of colours in a fun and exciting way. Actually I liked it that I have to find creative ways to make sure the activity is interesting enough to sustain Irfan's limited attention. It keeps the activities fun.
Another exciting and powerful teaching tool, is playing make-believe. At 3 years old, they enjoy make-believe play so I took the opportunity to capitalise on this interest of his.
At the moment, his Mickey Mouse and teddy bear are his faithful companions. He will always take mickey mouse for himself and hands me the teddy bear. The other day, Mickey mouse, teddy bear, irfan and me went to a 'make believe' restaurant and we ordered different kinds of food and drinks. There were really a lot of teaching opportunities just from the pretend conversations we've had. I followed his lead but I also tried to put in some details and asked him some questions which made him see other possibilities Halfway through 'eating' , he said Mickey Mouse urgently wanted to 'pee', so he rushed Mickey Mouse to the pretend toilet. Soon he came back, said, "Dah pee" and started eating. I asked him if Mickey Mouse had washed his hands because he had just went to the toilet and his hands are full of germs.
I really had so much fun playing with him and every lil playtime with him can be a teachable moment. He is talkative and once I get his full attention, he is very responsive and engaged. So my challenge is always to make my activities exciting and able to capture his interest. But sometimes, he comes up with the activities and I just simply play along.
I wonder who will he play with him when school reopens. He will learn in school for 3 hours and when he gets back, he will usually be watching TV. I must admit he has learnt quite a lot from TV; some good and some not so good things. But it would be great if there is someone to play with him and make play, a fun teachable moment.
School will start in 2 days, and I am sure 'looking forward' to it.
This holiday, I can say that I had spent a lot of time with Irfan. He is also having his holidays, so I seized the opportunity to spend time with him, every hour of the day. Alim was away on a rugby trip for a few days so for about 5 days, it was just Irfan and me at home.
I think when school reopens, I would be the one having difficulty parting with him, especially the first day of school. :( I never thought I could enjoy the company of a2+ year old as much as I did. At this age, these toddlers are able to have a two way communication and they do make sense, well..most times.
His concentration span has a also improved a great deal so I could actually enjoy some quiet moments with him completing 4 to 6 pieces puzzles. I'm surprised he could actually complete these puzzles at one seating with full concentration; given the abundance of energy he has.
One day, we spent almost half the day, moulding playdoh. He wanted me to mould 3 people; ayah, ibu and irfan. His job was to add in the eyes, nose, mouth, ears and shoes. He also requested that I built 'ayah's car' for the family to go out shopping.
Irfan in blue, ayah in green (check out the Elvis cum P Ramlee hair) and me in pink.
Playdoh is definitely one of my favourite toy now, not only it encourages creativity but you can teach a million and one things to your toddler through playing play doh. From our little activity, he managed to learn a lil about colours, body parts and size. I just tried to extend what he knew and introduce a few new ideas which Im sure he didnt know. The other day, we moulded animals and he told me that birds must have wings, snake is long and must be rolled and an elephant have a long nose. I took the opportunity to introduce some animals he didn't know and moulded them, whilst making him put the body parts. Great teaching tool, isnt it and most importantly it's a lot of fun!
Over the holidays, one of the things I wanted to do with Irfan was to expose him to more things, and especially to work a lil on his phonics and his colour recognition. But the most important thing is to weave them into play and make it fun, fun , fun! That way, both of us can enjoy the activity and he can also pick a thing or two.
I have been introducing him to colours for a while now, but he is taking a pretty long time to recognise them. Actually I find it surprising that he could recognise shapes quicker than colours. So during the holidays, I looked around the house and collected objects which are blue, yellow, green and red and mixed them all up. I deliberately chose items which he liked, which are as real as possible, like bananas, oranges, apples, peas....things which he likes touching but seldom got a chance to. I took 4 boxes and put 2 same coloured items in each box and ask irfan to find other items which are of the same colour. Of course, he enjoyed the idea of walking around finding things and putting them in boxes.
From this activity, I realized he is able to group based on colours. But the problem is, he could not remember what the colour is called.
Now, Im thinking of how to teach him names of colours in a fun and exciting way. Actually I liked it that I have to find creative ways to make sure the activity is interesting enough to sustain Irfan's limited attention. It keeps the activities fun.
Another exciting and powerful teaching tool, is playing make-believe. At 3 years old, they enjoy make-believe play so I took the opportunity to capitalise on this interest of his.
At the moment, his Mickey Mouse and teddy bear are his faithful companions. He will always take mickey mouse for himself and hands me the teddy bear. The other day, Mickey mouse, teddy bear, irfan and me went to a 'make believe' restaurant and we ordered different kinds of food and drinks. There were really a lot of teaching opportunities just from the pretend conversations we've had. I followed his lead but I also tried to put in some details and asked him some questions which made him see other possibilities Halfway through 'eating' , he said Mickey Mouse urgently wanted to 'pee', so he rushed Mickey Mouse to the pretend toilet. Soon he came back, said, "Dah pee" and started eating. I asked him if Mickey Mouse had washed his hands because he had just went to the toilet and his hands are full of germs.
I really had so much fun playing with him and every lil playtime with him can be a teachable moment. He is talkative and once I get his full attention, he is very responsive and engaged. So my challenge is always to make my activities exciting and able to capture his interest. But sometimes, he comes up with the activities and I just simply play along.
I wonder who will he play with him when school reopens. He will learn in school for 3 hours and when he gets back, he will usually be watching TV. I must admit he has learnt quite a lot from TV; some good and some not so good things. But it would be great if there is someone to play with him and make play, a fun teachable moment.
School will start in 2 days, and I am sure 'looking forward' to it.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Irfan's first teacher-parent meeting
It's been a while since I wanted to write about this but just couldn't find the time.
A few weeks back, Irfan's school had a teacher-parent meeting. I was of course looking forward to this although I kind of knew what were some of the adjectives his teacher would use to describe him. :)
As a teacher myself, I also knew that we are trained to sugar-coat our words when speaking to parents and to always highlight the positive first and then to carefully but clearly weave in the not so nice aspects of the child's behaviour.
One of the expected adjective the teacher used was 'active'. "Irfan is an active boy", his teacher said. "He's always bursting with energy, very cheerful and eager to learn." she continued. And lastly she added, " If he is absent, we will all feel like something is missing, we can really feel the difference!" I suppose the teacher is pretty well trained in speaking to parents coz not only did she use neutral words but she used a variety of synonyms which basically means, he just can't sit still in class, wonders around, talks a lot and has problems concentrating for long.
Which, I totally agree! That is Irfan at 3 years old! Apparently he is the same in school and at home.
In terms of learning, his teacher said he is very good at hands-on activities for eg, practical life activities like dry pouring, arranging tower blocks from big to small, shallow to deep and other visual discrimination activities.
He's also pretty good at maths and is able to count without skipping and is able recognise numbers.
But he's taking a longer time for language, he needs lots more practice in mastering his phonetic sounds and recognising the letters. Same goes for Arabic letters. He tends to get the sounds confused.
His developments are detailed in this developmental portfolio which I really really liked. They describe how the child is doing in each aspect of his learning. The last section is a checklist of a list of objectives. The teacher will indicate the date the lesson is being introduced and the date the objective is mastered by the child.
He looks pretty sedated in the pictures. :) hehe
Now, at 3 years old, Im giving him a break from all this academic pressure..let him enjoy being a carefree child for many more years coz he still has a long way to go.Imagine all the loong years of education we've all had. All the exams, stress, the fear of failing....all that can wait.
most importantly I just want him to have the right attitude towards learning; that it can be fun, it's useful and that learning should not competitive. I guess that's why I put in a montessori school coz it's a lot of play, outings, unstructured and not so much like a real school although I'm still not sure if Montessori is the right way to go for Irfan. I dunno if he can cope later in primary 1 when the classroom setting is different and given that he can't sit still. Im just hoping he will slow down a lil as he ages and by 7 is able to sit still during lessons and be engaged in his work. I asked the teacher if he is more active than the rest of the kids and the teacher said he is one of the more active ones but is showing progress compared to the first few months.
He seems to enjoy school so far so maybe i'll keep him there for the year.
For now, Im just enjoying every single day I have with him at home. And Im really learning a lot of stuff about him which I didnt know earlier. Now he has pretty much his own ideas about things and i find them interesting and most times, surprising :)
It's been a while since I wanted to write about this but just couldn't find the time.
A few weeks back, Irfan's school had a teacher-parent meeting. I was of course looking forward to this although I kind of knew what were some of the adjectives his teacher would use to describe him. :)
As a teacher myself, I also knew that we are trained to sugar-coat our words when speaking to parents and to always highlight the positive first and then to carefully but clearly weave in the not so nice aspects of the child's behaviour.
One of the expected adjective the teacher used was 'active'. "Irfan is an active boy", his teacher said. "He's always bursting with energy, very cheerful and eager to learn." she continued. And lastly she added, " If he is absent, we will all feel like something is missing, we can really feel the difference!" I suppose the teacher is pretty well trained in speaking to parents coz not only did she use neutral words but she used a variety of synonyms which basically means, he just can't sit still in class, wonders around, talks a lot and has problems concentrating for long.
Which, I totally agree! That is Irfan at 3 years old! Apparently he is the same in school and at home.
In terms of learning, his teacher said he is very good at hands-on activities for eg, practical life activities like dry pouring, arranging tower blocks from big to small, shallow to deep and other visual discrimination activities.
He's also pretty good at maths and is able to count without skipping and is able recognise numbers.
But he's taking a longer time for language, he needs lots more practice in mastering his phonetic sounds and recognising the letters. Same goes for Arabic letters. He tends to get the sounds confused.
His developments are detailed in this developmental portfolio which I really really liked. They describe how the child is doing in each aspect of his learning. The last section is a checklist of a list of objectives. The teacher will indicate the date the lesson is being introduced and the date the objective is mastered by the child.
He looks pretty sedated in the pictures. :) hehe
Now, at 3 years old, Im giving him a break from all this academic pressure..let him enjoy being a carefree child for many more years coz he still has a long way to go.Imagine all the loong years of education we've all had. All the exams, stress, the fear of failing....all that can wait.
most importantly I just want him to have the right attitude towards learning; that it can be fun, it's useful and that learning should not competitive. I guess that's why I put in a montessori school coz it's a lot of play, outings, unstructured and not so much like a real school although I'm still not sure if Montessori is the right way to go for Irfan. I dunno if he can cope later in primary 1 when the classroom setting is different and given that he can't sit still. Im just hoping he will slow down a lil as he ages and by 7 is able to sit still during lessons and be engaged in his work. I asked the teacher if he is more active than the rest of the kids and the teacher said he is one of the more active ones but is showing progress compared to the first few months.
He seems to enjoy school so far so maybe i'll keep him there for the year.
For now, Im just enjoying every single day I have with him at home. And Im really learning a lot of stuff about him which I didnt know earlier. Now he has pretty much his own ideas about things and i find them interesting and most times, surprising :)
Sunday, June 08, 2008
A much needed rest
After all the hard work, we decided, for this break we just didnt want to do anything. We just wanted to go for a long nice drive, check into a nice resort and just do nothing but sleep, eat and maybe swim a lil.
Irfan, me and our room on the left of the pic
Avillion Beach Resort is a nice water resort in port dickson if you like waking up to the sight of the endless sea and sound of the waves.
Although the sea is not exactly clear blue waters, but it's not too bad. Our resort is right above water so we can either enjoy the sea breeze at the verandah and just stone or do some fishing from the verandah itself.
The day bed faces the sea so the last thing we see before we sleep and the first thing that greets us in the morning will be the endless sea.
Irfan, like most kids are quite easy to please. The 24 hour pool was enough for him. One thing I like about the pool, other than it being 24hrs, is that it's just beside the cafe, so while the kids swam, we can have a leisurely breakfast or drink and keep an eye on them. And on top of that they have a small pet farm within the resort where kids could feed and play with the rabbits, chickens, peacocks and tortoises. With the private beach a mere walking distance from our room, Irfan could not stop building and mostly destroying half built sandcastles. So Irfan did enjoy the place as much as we did. Looking out for kids activities has become our priority nowadays:) We have learnt that restless, bored kids always lead to trouble which means no rest for us!
Another plus point which I liked was the beautiful sunset which we can see every evening at around seven, right from our room! (depending where your room is located)
Nearby the resort, you can find strings of night market and pretty delicious seafood, at a very cheap price.
It's no Banyan Tree but pretty nice for the price we pay. So if you like taking a nice drive up to malaysia, do drop by port dickson and check this place out:)
The downside? Parking is always full at the resort itself, so most of the time, we have to park at the resorts' parking lot across the street.
And secondly, we found a bat in the open air toilet in our room. It was just comfortably resting quietly at the corner of the floor but looks disgusting all the same. So Alim, took it out and left it somewhere (I really don't want to know where! as long as it is out of my sight!!) and I was spooked a lil after that and did not dare to step in the toilet. But luckily no more bats after that!
For lazy people like us, waking up to the beautiful sight is actually all we need. We really had a much needed rested break and will be enjoying the last weeks of the holidays before it's back to work!
My favourite place; the daybed has windows which opens up to the sea. I slept a lot here:)
For more photos go here
After all the hard work, we decided, for this break we just didnt want to do anything. We just wanted to go for a long nice drive, check into a nice resort and just do nothing but sleep, eat and maybe swim a lil.
Irfan, me and our room on the left of the pic
Avillion Beach Resort is a nice water resort in port dickson if you like waking up to the sight of the endless sea and sound of the waves.
Although the sea is not exactly clear blue waters, but it's not too bad. Our resort is right above water so we can either enjoy the sea breeze at the verandah and just stone or do some fishing from the verandah itself.
The day bed faces the sea so the last thing we see before we sleep and the first thing that greets us in the morning will be the endless sea.
Irfan, like most kids are quite easy to please. The 24 hour pool was enough for him. One thing I like about the pool, other than it being 24hrs, is that it's just beside the cafe, so while the kids swam, we can have a leisurely breakfast or drink and keep an eye on them. And on top of that they have a small pet farm within the resort where kids could feed and play with the rabbits, chickens, peacocks and tortoises. With the private beach a mere walking distance from our room, Irfan could not stop building and mostly destroying half built sandcastles. So Irfan did enjoy the place as much as we did. Looking out for kids activities has become our priority nowadays:) We have learnt that restless, bored kids always lead to trouble which means no rest for us!
Another plus point which I liked was the beautiful sunset which we can see every evening at around seven, right from our room! (depending where your room is located)
Nearby the resort, you can find strings of night market and pretty delicious seafood, at a very cheap price.
It's no Banyan Tree but pretty nice for the price we pay. So if you like taking a nice drive up to malaysia, do drop by port dickson and check this place out:)
The downside? Parking is always full at the resort itself, so most of the time, we have to park at the resorts' parking lot across the street.
And secondly, we found a bat in the open air toilet in our room. It was just comfortably resting quietly at the corner of the floor but looks disgusting all the same. So Alim, took it out and left it somewhere (I really don't want to know where! as long as it is out of my sight!!) and I was spooked a lil after that and did not dare to step in the toilet. But luckily no more bats after that!
For lazy people like us, waking up to the beautiful sight is actually all we need. We really had a much needed rested break and will be enjoying the last weeks of the holidays before it's back to work!
My favourite place; the daybed has windows which opens up to the sea. I slept a lot here:)
For more photos go here
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
War time
I hope you are not thinking that I am just sitting around, with a big helmet,
holding on to a big gun waiting for the right moment to shoot.
I really have other better things to do than pick a fight.
I realize, even if my helmet is so big that it covers my face, I can never prevent the bullet from hitting my head. And no matter how big a gun I carry,
I can never win this war.
I hope you are not thinking that I am just sitting around, with a big helmet,
holding on to a big gun waiting for the right moment to shoot.
I really have other better things to do than pick a fight.
I realize, even if my helmet is so big that it covers my face, I can never prevent the bullet from hitting my head. And no matter how big a gun I carry,
I can never win this war.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Conflicting identities
I guess nuthing is as simple as black and white
Perhaps we are indeed made up of both
An evil mind but one saint heart?
Maybe we all have a lil darth vader and super hero in each of us
Constantly battling and squabbling in our crazy lil head
So tread carefully coz we don't want the wrong side to win all the time.
I guess nuthing is as simple as black and white
Perhaps we are indeed made up of both
An evil mind but one saint heart?
Maybe we all have a lil darth vader and super hero in each of us
Constantly battling and squabbling in our crazy lil head
So tread carefully coz we don't want the wrong side to win all the time.
Friday, April 25, 2008
This is not a poem
Mornings
Bus rides, uniform, bus stop
walkman, music
goodbye, hello, railings of the interchange
gum, cigarettes
group of funny looking people
empty green land
darkness surrounds
lift, void deck
by the bay
more music and instruments
madness amidst loud, bursting noise
phones calls
much about nothing
slurred converstions
head in the fridge
drunken moments, where the aeroplanes land
a familiar crook of the arm, it fits i suppose
a mother and brother
closed door
she never knocked, he looked the other way
a room full of people, screaming and shouting
yet we were alone
it was a cold, rainy night
when my mother believed me
OK, there is no code to crack here. It is not supposed to make sense. This is just what happens if I type out words randomly the moment they flash in my head. And this is what happens if you have been on MC for 3 weeks and get hooked on DVDs.
I am in no mood to start work. The momentum has been permanently disrupted. Luckily June holidays is just round the corner. I need to get lost even more and I can't do that when I am supposed to teach 40 kids. I can't do that when I am 30 and have a boy of 3. Lately, music has been my saving grace but some music reminds me of something or someone or someplace which is not at all pleasant.
Not doing anything is addictive. Until it reaches the point of boredom, that is.
Mornings
Bus rides, uniform, bus stop
walkman, music
goodbye, hello, railings of the interchange
gum, cigarettes
group of funny looking people
empty green land
darkness surrounds
lift, void deck
by the bay
more music and instruments
madness amidst loud, bursting noise
phones calls
much about nothing
slurred converstions
head in the fridge
drunken moments, where the aeroplanes land
a familiar crook of the arm, it fits i suppose
a mother and brother
closed door
she never knocked, he looked the other way
a room full of people, screaming and shouting
yet we were alone
it was a cold, rainy night
when my mother believed me
OK, there is no code to crack here. It is not supposed to make sense. This is just what happens if I type out words randomly the moment they flash in my head. And this is what happens if you have been on MC for 3 weeks and get hooked on DVDs.
I am in no mood to start work. The momentum has been permanently disrupted. Luckily June holidays is just round the corner. I need to get lost even more and I can't do that when I am supposed to teach 40 kids. I can't do that when I am 30 and have a boy of 3. Lately, music has been my saving grace but some music reminds me of something or someone or someplace which is not at all pleasant.
Not doing anything is addictive. Until it reaches the point of boredom, that is.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
The Day I Found out
The moment she read my file and did the first test, the wicked witch started being nice to me, so I sensed trouble.
And she DID say her string of favourite words (Oh it's normal), but this time she used another equally sickening synonym, "You know, it's quite COMMON for women to ......1 in every...blah blah blah" Yah, that made me feel better. I'm so glad to fit right in with the other women. Thank you very much.
As expected, I did shed those tears. And my strategy of bringing irfan kinda worked. I did smile...but i must admit, it was amidst my tears. His silly idea this time was to snug behind some lady's husband and suddenly jumps in front and say "TA-DA". The man took a step back and the look on his face plus Irfan's sneaky face and tiptoeing was worth a lil smile.
As for alim, he's as cool as cucumber as he always is, but I know better than to assume I am the only one upset over this. He has always been my pillar of strength but I know he needs his moment too for this one. Right from the beginning when we first found out, till today, he has been listening to every lil weird analysis of mine. I know whatever i feel, he would too.
A few nights ago, I told him I'm dead bored at home and thought of renting some DVDs and a good book. It was already 10pm when I told him, he gave me a strange look and said he was extremely tired and wanted to sleep. I was a lil pissed coz it is almost never that he dsmiss me that quickly. But I didnt bug him coz the shops were closed anyway.
I woke up the next morning, at 8am and saw a sweet lil card and a small paperbag in front of the T.V in my room. I opened the bag and saw two sets of DVD series. How did he do it? Did he snug out at night? Which shop was opened? I saw the receipt and checked the time, apparently it was yesterday afternoon. Meaning he rented them even before I told him I wanted to rent them. It was a nice surprise and I'm always amazed at how thoughtful he is and how well he knew me. He knew what I had wanted even before I knew them. Strange.
He is always, always there for me, comforting me, but this time, I know he needs me too.
Actually, I've been over and over this scene in my head many times. What the wicked witch will say, how I will react...but i still feel the way I feel. She hands me a pamphlet and said, "read it when you are less emotional" and went on to talk about what are the possible complications from here on, and what medication she's giving me and what to do next. I wasnt really listening. My eyes rested on the pamphlet and all I saw was the title of the pamphlet which was staring right back at me.
When she told me, I don't feel like the whole world was crashing onto me, that would be too dramatic. Yes, I was totally upset when she told me but I also know for a fact, this is for the best. I don't really like to question the why , coz reasons can never be conclusive and there is never a good reason to explain what's written out there. The mind is too limited to understand his decisions and I've always known that.
And I know, things could have been worst,some others have it even harder.
But I like a good grieving, I like a good, satisfying cry, to ease away the lump that keeps building up in my throat.
So now, all I have is one picture and the cross which reminds me that this is just not a story I made up in my lil, crazy head.
I would want to look at them one day and not feel that lump in my throat.
But that day is not now.
Coz I'm not ready. Not just yet.
The moment she read my file and did the first test, the wicked witch started being nice to me, so I sensed trouble.
And she DID say her string of favourite words (Oh it's normal), but this time she used another equally sickening synonym, "You know, it's quite COMMON for women to ......1 in every...blah blah blah" Yah, that made me feel better. I'm so glad to fit right in with the other women. Thank you very much.
As expected, I did shed those tears. And my strategy of bringing irfan kinda worked. I did smile...but i must admit, it was amidst my tears. His silly idea this time was to snug behind some lady's husband and suddenly jumps in front and say "TA-DA". The man took a step back and the look on his face plus Irfan's sneaky face and tiptoeing was worth a lil smile.
As for alim, he's as cool as cucumber as he always is, but I know better than to assume I am the only one upset over this. He has always been my pillar of strength but I know he needs his moment too for this one. Right from the beginning when we first found out, till today, he has been listening to every lil weird analysis of mine. I know whatever i feel, he would too.
A few nights ago, I told him I'm dead bored at home and thought of renting some DVDs and a good book. It was already 10pm when I told him, he gave me a strange look and said he was extremely tired and wanted to sleep. I was a lil pissed coz it is almost never that he dsmiss me that quickly. But I didnt bug him coz the shops were closed anyway.
I woke up the next morning, at 8am and saw a sweet lil card and a small paperbag in front of the T.V in my room. I opened the bag and saw two sets of DVD series. How did he do it? Did he snug out at night? Which shop was opened? I saw the receipt and checked the time, apparently it was yesterday afternoon. Meaning he rented them even before I told him I wanted to rent them. It was a nice surprise and I'm always amazed at how thoughtful he is and how well he knew me. He knew what I had wanted even before I knew them. Strange.
He is always, always there for me, comforting me, but this time, I know he needs me too.
Actually, I've been over and over this scene in my head many times. What the wicked witch will say, how I will react...but i still feel the way I feel. She hands me a pamphlet and said, "read it when you are less emotional" and went on to talk about what are the possible complications from here on, and what medication she's giving me and what to do next. I wasnt really listening. My eyes rested on the pamphlet and all I saw was the title of the pamphlet which was staring right back at me.
When she told me, I don't feel like the whole world was crashing onto me, that would be too dramatic. Yes, I was totally upset when she told me but I also know for a fact, this is for the best. I don't really like to question the why , coz reasons can never be conclusive and there is never a good reason to explain what's written out there. The mind is too limited to understand his decisions and I've always known that.
And I know, things could have been worst,some others have it even harder.
But I like a good grieving, I like a good, satisfying cry, to ease away the lump that keeps building up in my throat.
So now, all I have is one picture and the cross which reminds me that this is just not a story I made up in my lil, crazy head.
I would want to look at them one day and not feel that lump in my throat.
But that day is not now.
Coz I'm not ready. Not just yet.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
it'3.20pm. In another hour, Im going to see that grumpy,wicked witch of the west, lokek MC lady again. The last time I saw her was 3 years ago.
And I'm dying to hear her overused "Oh, it's normal" phrase again. The other time it was irratating coz it seemed like she was trivialising evry lil problem I had.
But this time, Im just dying to hear her say it to me.
But, I doubt it. There's nothing normal about what Ive experienced so far. When things were normal, I was already a crazy worry-wart. Can you imagine how I am now?
As usual I have a list of fears. Not knowing is scary but you know, that few minutes and seconds to finding out, is even way scarier.
I don't know if I am going to be sent home today again and told the same thing as the other 2 people in white coats. Or am I going through a battery of tests to find out what's wrong with me. Some of the tests are not exactly comfortable and i don't think the wicked witch will be so kind to give an option to not take the test and I dunt think she will comfort me when I shed those tears. And I somehow know at some point, I WILL shed those tears. Not because of bad news I hope. I blame it on the hormones.
I want to find out, but I hate some of the tests. Maybe what I really need is a big scolding from that wicked witch to just do it.
So anyway, Im bringing irfan with me. I need someone to cheer me up, and he always does say something silly to crack me up or make me smile. Either that, or I will be busy scolding and chasing him, which hopefullly will put my mind off the worrying while waiting.
So im off now. And all i can think of now is the green lady in my dream.
And I'm dying to hear her overused "Oh, it's normal" phrase again. The other time it was irratating coz it seemed like she was trivialising evry lil problem I had.
But this time, Im just dying to hear her say it to me.
But, I doubt it. There's nothing normal about what Ive experienced so far. When things were normal, I was already a crazy worry-wart. Can you imagine how I am now?
As usual I have a list of fears. Not knowing is scary but you know, that few minutes and seconds to finding out, is even way scarier.
I don't know if I am going to be sent home today again and told the same thing as the other 2 people in white coats. Or am I going through a battery of tests to find out what's wrong with me. Some of the tests are not exactly comfortable and i don't think the wicked witch will be so kind to give an option to not take the test and I dunt think she will comfort me when I shed those tears. And I somehow know at some point, I WILL shed those tears. Not because of bad news I hope. I blame it on the hormones.
I want to find out, but I hate some of the tests. Maybe what I really need is a big scolding from that wicked witch to just do it.
So anyway, Im bringing irfan with me. I need someone to cheer me up, and he always does say something silly to crack me up or make me smile. Either that, or I will be busy scolding and chasing him, which hopefullly will put my mind off the worrying while waiting.
So im off now. And all i can think of now is the green lady in my dream.
Friday, April 04, 2008
I must admit, with all that is happening, Ive neglected Irfan a lil these days.
The past few days, when he gets back from school,( I know he is back because I would hear, "Assamuaikumm! Dah balik. IBUUU!!" ) he'll look for me, pops into the room,"what r u doing, Ibu" sees me lying down, smiles, jumps on the bed and initiate to engage me in one of his play ideas. Honestly, I am really not in the mood and so I layan him in a very malas sort of way, and luckily he gets it, lingers for a while and realizes Im not up to it. He pitter patter to the living room and plays on his own. soon after, he pops in again and checks if Im up to it now. When out of guilt, I show some sort of enthusiasm, he starts getting excited and pulls my hand to go out, "Ibu, come, come, play with me" or offer me one of his toys while he holds on to his favourite one.
And when I refuse, he'd pester for a bit longer and when he realizes Im serious, he plays on his own again. Somehow he knows not to bug me after that.
The first day, when this happened, I actually explained to him that I was not well. "Ibu sakit, I can't play with you" He replied "Where?" I pointed to my tummy. He went out and came back with my mum's minyak, clumsily opened it, dipped his whole finger in and plops it on my tummy, and started to rub my tummy in circular motion.
Unfortunately I had to stop him coz, he wasnt exactly doing it gently.
And I'm not sure what minyak he took, but with the amount he put on my tummy, it was super hot, felt like my skin was going to be burnt!
But he made me smile. And the next day, I told him Im not up to playing coz Im tired. I suppose that is one excuse he is used to, and so he didnt argue with that.
On Wednesday, I even forgot that he had water play in school and I didnt put him in his swimming attire. When he came back, his uniform was all dirty. I assumed he wanted to join in the water play and dirtied his uniform.
I never forget about his water play days coz I know he looks forward to it, but I did on wednesday.
And last night, while I was opening the fridge, I saw Irfan's circular on International Friendship Day which the school celebrates today.( I normally paste his circulars on the fridge coz I do have short term memory) He is supposed to dress in costume of other cultures and to bring a present for another friend coz there will be an exchange of gifts or something like that.
I totally forgot all about that and it was almost 9pm when I realized.
I digged his wardrobe and took out whatever that looked like costumes from other cultures. And my mum suggested he wore this
Arab Sesat
Tak sia sia, nenek belikan time pegi Haji. Pakai jugak.
It was already 9pm and so I said bolehlah. Although the headgear and jubah really tak kena coz it was supposed to be worn with long white jubah with long sleeve. But as you can see, he seems happy in it and posing posing lagi. Of course, we all had to boost his ego a lil and said something like "wah irfan lawa" "very nice" and he was smiling from ear to ear.
later at night, I asked alim if he thinks any of irfan's friend would laugh at him coz he does look kinda silly in that headgear. And Im just worried he'd be sad if his friends were to tease him.
As for the present, I digged my overloaded cupboard and lo and behold, found an extra children's day gift I bought for my students from last year. So that settles it.
The next morning, my mum and I dressed Irfan. He was super excited and seemed thrlled to be wearing the headgear. Just as he was about to leave, he walked to the mirror to look at himself for the first time. Upon seeing his reflection, he removed the headgear and said " I don't want" My mum insisted he wore it coz after all, it's her idea. "Lawa irfan, lawa...nanti teacher cakap lawa,". Irfan said "I don't WANT. Not nice" (tak sangka,kecik kecik pun tau fashion jugak!)
Kesian my mum, all her effort, pakaikan headgear tu. So he left without the headgear and instead, he wore a songkok haji. In the end, entah apa culture yang dia pakai.
My mum was sorely disappointed. She packed the headgear in a plastic bag in the hope that Irfan will change his mind later. She told the van driver to give the headgear to the teacher in case she wants to take a picture of him in it.
Itulah kisah...
Anyway, today I will pick myself up. No matter if it continues.
Being positive doesn't come naturally to me.
But I'll try.
The past few days, when he gets back from school,( I know he is back because I would hear, "Assamuaikumm! Dah balik. IBUUU!!" ) he'll look for me, pops into the room,"what r u doing, Ibu" sees me lying down, smiles, jumps on the bed and initiate to engage me in one of his play ideas. Honestly, I am really not in the mood and so I layan him in a very malas sort of way, and luckily he gets it, lingers for a while and realizes Im not up to it. He pitter patter to the living room and plays on his own. soon after, he pops in again and checks if Im up to it now. When out of guilt, I show some sort of enthusiasm, he starts getting excited and pulls my hand to go out, "Ibu, come, come, play with me" or offer me one of his toys while he holds on to his favourite one.
And when I refuse, he'd pester for a bit longer and when he realizes Im serious, he plays on his own again. Somehow he knows not to bug me after that.
The first day, when this happened, I actually explained to him that I was not well. "Ibu sakit, I can't play with you" He replied "Where?" I pointed to my tummy. He went out and came back with my mum's minyak, clumsily opened it, dipped his whole finger in and plops it on my tummy, and started to rub my tummy in circular motion.
Unfortunately I had to stop him coz, he wasnt exactly doing it gently.
And I'm not sure what minyak he took, but with the amount he put on my tummy, it was super hot, felt like my skin was going to be burnt!
But he made me smile. And the next day, I told him Im not up to playing coz Im tired. I suppose that is one excuse he is used to, and so he didnt argue with that.
On Wednesday, I even forgot that he had water play in school and I didnt put him in his swimming attire. When he came back, his uniform was all dirty. I assumed he wanted to join in the water play and dirtied his uniform.
I never forget about his water play days coz I know he looks forward to it, but I did on wednesday.
And last night, while I was opening the fridge, I saw Irfan's circular on International Friendship Day which the school celebrates today.( I normally paste his circulars on the fridge coz I do have short term memory) He is supposed to dress in costume of other cultures and to bring a present for another friend coz there will be an exchange of gifts or something like that.
I totally forgot all about that and it was almost 9pm when I realized.
I digged his wardrobe and took out whatever that looked like costumes from other cultures. And my mum suggested he wore this
Arab Sesat
Tak sia sia, nenek belikan time pegi Haji. Pakai jugak.
It was already 9pm and so I said bolehlah. Although the headgear and jubah really tak kena coz it was supposed to be worn with long white jubah with long sleeve. But as you can see, he seems happy in it and posing posing lagi. Of course, we all had to boost his ego a lil and said something like "wah irfan lawa" "very nice" and he was smiling from ear to ear.
later at night, I asked alim if he thinks any of irfan's friend would laugh at him coz he does look kinda silly in that headgear. And Im just worried he'd be sad if his friends were to tease him.
As for the present, I digged my overloaded cupboard and lo and behold, found an extra children's day gift I bought for my students from last year. So that settles it.
The next morning, my mum and I dressed Irfan. He was super excited and seemed thrlled to be wearing the headgear. Just as he was about to leave, he walked to the mirror to look at himself for the first time. Upon seeing his reflection, he removed the headgear and said " I don't want" My mum insisted he wore it coz after all, it's her idea. "Lawa irfan, lawa...nanti teacher cakap lawa,". Irfan said "I don't WANT. Not nice" (tak sangka,kecik kecik pun tau fashion jugak!)
Kesian my mum, all her effort, pakaikan headgear tu. So he left without the headgear and instead, he wore a songkok haji. In the end, entah apa culture yang dia pakai.
My mum was sorely disappointed. She packed the headgear in a plastic bag in the hope that Irfan will change his mind later. She told the van driver to give the headgear to the teacher in case she wants to take a picture of him in it.
Itulah kisah...
Anyway, today I will pick myself up. No matter if it continues.
Being positive doesn't come naturally to me.
But I'll try.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Being too happy always scares me.
Yes, Im crazy like that.
This is one of those nonsensical emotional entries that is sappy, boring and blah blah.
Since young, Im always told when something bad happens, it's coz Im too happy.
"Tu lah, happy happy sangat, kan ..."
Maybe that's why I dont display emotions much coz somewhere in my head, the opposite will happen.
Right now,a week ago, I was over the moon.Excited and happy.
And now, Im fearing that the opposite will happen. I have cause to worry, it's not in my head. Sometimes it is , but not today.
So I sat there and waited.
But looks like I have to wait for another week.
I sat there and thought about all the possibilities.
And scare myself even more. I think that actually comforts me.
Ok you don't have to understand.
It's here to remind me about a fear which is so real.
I'm normally good at hiding things, but not this fear today.
So many people saw it, and i couldnt hide it.
I was openly vulnerable.
Im not used to that.
Yes, Im crazy like that.
This is one of those nonsensical emotional entries that is sappy, boring and blah blah.
Since young, Im always told when something bad happens, it's coz Im too happy.
"Tu lah, happy happy sangat, kan ..."
Maybe that's why I dont display emotions much coz somewhere in my head, the opposite will happen.
Right now,a week ago, I was over the moon.Excited and happy.
And now, Im fearing that the opposite will happen. I have cause to worry, it's not in my head. Sometimes it is , but not today.
So I sat there and waited.
But looks like I have to wait for another week.
I sat there and thought about all the possibilities.
And scare myself even more. I think that actually comforts me.
Ok you don't have to understand.
It's here to remind me about a fear which is so real.
I'm normally good at hiding things, but not this fear today.
So many people saw it, and i couldnt hide it.
I was openly vulnerable.
Im not used to that.
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