I'm looking for something
But I'm not sure what it is
There's this nagging voice that keeps ringing in my head
Nothing is out of place
Everything is perfect. As perfect as perfect goes.
But the buts keep coming.
Everyday is becoming more of a dread.
Nights, in anticipation of days, are just depressing.
Days pass in a blur.
Something is missing. I don't know what it is.
It's only at times like this, in the quiet of the night and the kids are fast asleep, that I remember that I'm missing something.
I wonder what is it I'm looking for.


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A year ago

 

"Is this nice ibu?" Irfan choosing clothes for his lil sister. Putting it against his 'lil sister' in my tummy to see how it will look:)


Matching shoes!

 

Preparing for the lil girl's arrival.

A Polka Dot Party!

Just for fun, we decided to go polka dot on that day. So they came with big polka dots and small ones. Those who didnt, had to be creative and stickers came to the rescue. Here are the peektures!











<




A brown bear for the brown bear:)

Can you sense the desperation for hair?!

Happy Birthday, my little girl!:)
You are such a wonder. Sometimes we look at you and still cant believe you are ONE. Love u, alisha.

Happy Birthday little girl:)
The brown bear turns ONE!



More pics and a proper entry later..:)

Beautiful bright morning, great music, Happy healthy kids...what a great start to the day.:)



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Palpitations. Meds too strong? Need to rest and sleep but somehow can't. A lot on my mind and body feels really uncomfortable. Worst flu I had in a long time. I hate antibiotics but my immune system can't do it on its own. Been slacking on the vitamin c.
Neeed some good music now. Probably that cd compilation of old skool local bands will do the trick. Wondering where Alim put it but I suspect he brought it to sch. Darn! That, together with my combi of meds could probably elevate me to a nostalgic high of padres, oddfellows, lilac saints, ordinary people and their likes. Although they do make me feel old. My youth would probably be a lil diff from now and so sitting at the world trade centre listening to these bands play seems like centuries ago. Even world trade centre is now just a mere memory. And the memory of listening to them from a tape on a Walkman at the back of a double decker bus probably seal the deal that my youth WAS a long long time ago. A little like a forgotten dream actually.
Thinking back, it was quite colourful though I must admit most of the time, I never felt like I fitted in.


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At last succumbed to the flu after 2 days of fighting it. Zyrtec didn't work for long and today not in sch. Whole body is aching like crazy and I have this irritating twitch on my eye that won't go away. But I wont complain.


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Everything is going fine and yet nothing feels right....


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Feeling depressed, down, constant lump in my throat. I keep seeing images of the healthy 17 year old boy; a captain, a prefect, an athlete, smiling, happy, his whole life ahead of him. And I just can't bear to see him now. My heart hurts, I don't know much about him but it still hurts. His life has chAnged. I don't know what else to do but pray for a miracle.
Strange how seeing him has affected me. My days have been pretty gloomy eversince and I just can't take my mind off him. I think about him all the time and can't imagine what it's like for people closest to him. Sad sad week:(
And for that person closest to me, I admire you for your strength in going through this extremely trying period for you. How u have handled everything is beyond amazing. Stay strong!

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All a girl needs is a pair of comfy jeans, cute shoes
and an A.T.T.I.T.U.D.E.

 

But of course, a head full of hair would be great too!

Chef Irfan



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Sunday morning





The boy not happy that his daddy left him. Hey, but your tortoise mummy is still behind u wat?!



Trying to catch up. See who is last?

I'm not really good at running long distance. I'd rather cycle and swim than jog. My stamina is super lousy and I lasted for less than half an hour. Then i felt like fainting, breathless, giddy, nauseous. After that irfan and I rented the bicycle while Alim ran. Yes I'm quite hopeless. BUT I shall not give up. Maybe new shoes will motivate me! Yes new shoes!!!

For now, I just do what I do best. Sit down on my butt and enjoy the breeze...




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Like most five year olds, drawing is something he likes to do for now. To quote his exact words, " drawing makes my heart happy, ibu,".







The story for this one, as narrated by him: we are in the red car, on our way to the zoo. We are following the signboard and we are stopping at the red light. The sun is shining, the sky is blue and there is an apple tree. Behind us there are two cars. The last one is a green mini car.Beside us there is the sea all the way to the zoo.

Every bit of his drawing are mostly lil scraps of his experiences put together. The
mini; I told him was my fav car, the sign boards and the drive along the coast is a typical sight during our holiday road trip, the apple tree from one of his storybooks..and so on.
The good thing is drawing usually keeps him quiet for a long time and we get to enjoy some peace and quiet in the house.:)

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Today is my afternoon duty so I am in school, till about 7.
Marking papers and thinking about where to go for the June hols. Yes..it's a typical teacher syndrome. When we are swarmed by work, we let our minds wander to a happier place. That usually keeps our sanity intact for 6 months.

Anyway, so where do you reckon a couple like us, with two kids in tow CAN go WITHOUT dying of fatique along the way? Without killing each other or throwing the two kids down some picturesque mountain?

We always end up in Australia because it's so family friendly. Alim can drive to his heart's content, Irfan can run around the endless beach till he loses steam and alisha can, well..I dont know what she likes to do other than be carried by me. She is quite choosy, this one. ..And I , I can just stone and enjoy the beach with alisha close to me. We dont need a guided tour as everything is so easily accesible by car. We can shop, rest and find food pretty easily.

we would love to go back europe but historical places would probably be out. Inititally I wanted to go Italy but by the time I get to see the colosseum and leaning tower of pisa, I would probably be all disheveled and tired out. I can just imagine us shouting, "Irfan, come here. Irfan dont touch that! Irfan not too loud!" while he runs around the place, oblivious to his screaming parents. Alisha will be screaming, crying, and i would frantically try to soothe her quickly so that I dont get the glare from the tourists who are busy listening to the guide. The best is when Irfan wants to go to the toilet and there's no toilet in sight and adik is screaming for her milk at the same time!

And all this plus trying to capture a good shot from the muscular DSLR?! Oh man, talking about it is already making me tired! Haiz.
Chaos chaos, all day long!

so italy has been crossed out..hmm next we move on to greece. I cant remember what I was watching on TV but right now all I can think of is SANTORINI! Is it crazy to bring the two kids there? I think its a good balance between seeing some ancient ruins and enjoying the beautiful beatiful islands..imagine the white walls with the blue doors, perched high up overlooking the Aegen Sea. Droolz...
And it's quite a drive- friendly place but im imagining riding on a scooter instead. Of course not possible. Mana nak campak tu dua budak?!

Think it's a good idea?

Someone suggested going to some theme parks. But im not really a fan of theme parks. We did go to gold coast with irfan last 2 years. I guess the only person who will enjoy it is Irfan. But he's not paying, so doesnt matter what he likes...hehhe. Anyway he's too short for most of the rides.

Hmm..so how? The West Coast sounds good too. There are activities for everyone; alim can drive, kids have enough entertainment to keep them occupied and I can SHOP! In some ways, i guess the west coast is similar to oz; the beach, theme parks, shopping....

How? How? How?
Alah susah susah pegi malaysia sudah. Makan puas puas and stay in a nice nice place. Kids swim till they kembang, we also can eat till we meletop!
Confirmed relax and minimal chaos...
But I cant stop thinking of Santorini leh.
Guess I will have to continue dreaming for now. ...

I'm dreaming of Santorini. Wish I can just go in march but I know one week is too short for a place like that. So I just got to be patient and keep on dreaming for now.


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A typical day home from work. Even when u are dead tired, you have to smile for the kids. Coz they have waited for you the whole day.
You might want to lower the vol though, coz let me warn u.. Irfan was irritatingly loud here....as usual..haiz..

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Lethargic, perpetual sleepiness, spaced out, dormant. Think I need to exercise. And swallow some vitamins on a regular basis. Afterall, I am getting older.


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I was in a bad mood. And I knew it wasn't a good time to sit with irfan to do his writing.but I did. I raised my voice, made him repeat writing the letter many times and even told him if he is not interested he can close his book. What did he do? Sat quietly, looked at me and held his pencil feverishly. But I showed no mercy, I'm crazy that way. I think he was quite stressed out coz suddenly he couldn't write the letter a. His strokes were wrong which made me even frustrated and him even more stressed out. He had never seen me this way and he didn't even dare to budge. He tried and tried but kept getting it wrong. At the back of my mind, i knew it's pointless scolding coz it's emotional and not constructive and no way he's going to learn with the way I'm teaching today. No fun, no games, no encouragement but just me telling him how terrible he is for not knowing when he has written it a million times. He tried again got it wrong again. And I was just mad mad mad.he looked at me. I scowled at him.
And finally, he looked up at me and said this, ever so calmly;
" I am trying my best ibu."
he then carefully moved his lil fingers to write the letters again.
Guilt surrounded me and I became speechless. His words hung in the air for the longest time as i looked at him trying to control his fingers while he keeps glancing at the examples i have written out for him. I didn't know what to say. I wondered where he had learnt those words. To express himself simply and truthfully. To remain calm even when I must have shattered his confidence for a while there. I would have expected him to at whine in protest when I told him to repeat and repeat again. But he didn't.
I immediately calmed down. He looked so kesiannn.
I was really unreasonable that day. And i must say he handled the situation much better than me. Note to self: never let this happen again!


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Nine months









As u can see, not much development when it comes to hair growth.

And Here's a day to remember...a basi pic taken last year.



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Irfan started ngaji this year. I came back earlier and so managed to go to the 20th floor with him and see him in action;)


A few days later I came home and saw him busy writing this on the board.


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