Because no one should be put on a pedestal

Recently I was reminded that no one person in this planet can fully make you happy. It's impossible to expect happiness from any one person because one day we get reminders that this person has let you down or will let you down. The only way a person can let you down is when you allow that person to be placed high up in your life in the first place, thinking that this person is incapable of hurting you some day.

But the truth is, no one can bring you happiness except HIM. There is no one person in this world that you can fully trust except in HIM.

Thank you for the reminder.

Thank you for the reminder to not remain too attached to any human and not to hold him in impossibly high regard.

Still, even with that realisation, it still hurts when you discover the truth. It still hurts when you realise this person is actually not who you thought he/she is. Why does it hurt when you have already known all along? I have no idea. It still hurts.

Perhaps it hurts because you know your perception of that person has already changed. And it will never be the same again. And you know that something has disappeared and will never return. You also know that no matter how normal life can be after that, slowly it eats you and leaves empty gaps for hatred and bitterness to seep through. And there's no turning back.

Perhaps it also hurts because now you know what that person thinks of you too. And he doesn't think of you as much as you do for him/her. That there is resentment and negative perceptions which he has been having of you. How sweet.

So you live your life as if nothing has happened.
But the truth is everything has changed.

---Just random thoughts. Don't dig in too deep into this and start guessing or making conclusions about what's happening in my life. Thank you.

Conflict

The hardest conflict I have to face each day is between myself and I. The internal struggle within me to do what my heart desires and what my rational mind reasons. Between these two I have to heed the rational decision but sometimes I fail.

If you ask me what is the one change I have undergone since my Hajj trip, I would say my heart is cleaner and my.mind clearer, unearthing a moral compass. Dusting off all the dirt that's has piled on it over the years. The moment I was there and as soon as I returned home, my conscience grew sharper and clearer.

Eventually it's still up to me to react. However I have developed this voice in my head or in my heart which signals what is right. I have a religious conscience or siren in me that blares aloud when I was about to make a wrong turn or a decision which will bring.me further from.the deen.  The same siren in me keeps the final goal always in check.

And so, whenever I do something which brings me further from my deen, I will know it, I will have a nagging conscience and  a sense of guilt which I did not feel as frequently before I went to Hajj.

But beyond that realisation, HE has left the decision to me and that's when I shape my own destiny and be judged upon.

As the Hajj trip becomes a distant memory, I could sense this moral signal getting dimmer.

I need the strength to do what is right. I have already been given the wisdom to know what's right. And so it's up to me to follow it no matter how much of a struggle it is. So far, I have failed based on my own.critical judgement.  I have never judged myself so easily and forgivingly.  In fact, if only people knew how much of a critic I am to myself , they would realise that I would have thought of everything.

Restrain. I have learnt to talk less and ask HIM more. A recent disappointment has taught me to deal with HIS decisions with full trust and patience and letting go. It has taught me not to bark at the wrong tree as a result of my inability to deal with my disappointment.

I need the strength. To let go. To trust. To fight for what I want before the decision is made. To stop lamenting and move on. To.trust that whatever I dislike may be best for me.

Give me strength because I know that for this keeping quiet is the best. Give me strength to accept.

Good company

This new year, I pray for good company. To be surrounded by people who are sincere, positive and who inspire me to keep my eye on our ultimate purpose.

I do believe that people around us affect how we are. I hope I am surrounded by people who keep me close to HIM. I hope my family and those close to me will continue to grow towards that direction as we inspire, encourage and support each other in this lifelong journey on this temporary plain.

May HE protect us from people who are pretentious,  people with hidden agenda, people with nothing but hatred and jealousy, people who enjoy exposing other people's weaknesses. My constant prayer is for HIM to make them and me better people who are always thankful for all his blessings,  who do not judge others easily, who constantly pray for others even if we disagree with them.

May HE keep us calm in times of anger and love despite being hurt. I wish my children will learn that too.

Holiday 2014

It's the holidays again. Usually I will be looking forward to this day to cross oceans and continents into new lands and be far and away. But somehow not this year. I have no idea why.

This year I just needed to be home and rest.  To take in the little things. To spend quiet quality time with the kids without having to go anywhere or be at any place. To just paint, draw, read, swim and spend time talking to them. To cycle, to lay in bed, to dream, to take time to do holiday projects which we have always wanted to do. I have no idea why.

I'm thankful for having a nice place to do all that. Thankful to be able to pretend I'm on holiday when I'm not.  Thankful to have every little moment with my kids. But it's really not just about the place but the ability to be anywhere and just enjoy every little moment. Because someday soon perhaps we might not be able to anymore.

Maybe soon when shahid is slightly older we'll pack our bags and travel again. Insya Allah kalau ada rezeki. There are so many beautiful places out there but I'm sure all of us know how it feels to fall in love with one place, no matter how many countries we have been to. There is always this one place u can never get your mind off. Be it europe, new zeland, greece etc.I have a special spot too and I pray I will be able to bring my kids there one day and let them feel how i felt when i was there.
So this break, we are really taking a break from all the travelling, all the working and just taking time to rest, spend time with each other and perhaps learn something new along the way.

To all having your holidays, enjoy the well deserved break with your loved ones!

Leaping into the unknown

I don't know what lies ahead. But i will take whatever comes to me with patience. And when I can't I will try my best and remember that none of these belong to me in the first place and I will leave all of them. They are all means to an end which will inevitably come. They are never meant to be an end in itself.

Living a comfortable life is indeed a blessing which I must be thankful for and never take for granted. Thinking that things will always remain lovely and dandy is like thinking that life will go on forever.  It won't and some days I might lose everything. However it should not matter and I shall walk all the challenges ahead with patience and humility. Perhaps there is a lesson there which I must learn.  Perhaps HE is pulling me in from drifting too far away, swayed by the comforts of a temporary life.

I am putting my feet into something I'm not sure I am ready for. To be honest, my whole life has been such. I am always foolish when making decisions. But sometimes they do turn out more than alright. And if they don't I will always take it as a lesson learnt. This time, I am praying for the best but ready to learn my lesson in case this wasn't my best decision.  Isn't that how we grow, learn and remember that we are not the best of planners?

Therefore, I hope I am strong to face everything that lies ahead. That I will always be positive  no matter how much negativity surrounds me. No matter how bad, things look. For I am not concerned with how bad things look from the outside or how bad things look from a human 's perspective. I am only very concerned about how it looks in HIS eyes. For only HE knows what lies in the depth of my heart and how I truly handle any situation, no matter how bad it might seemed. For I am willing to do anything that HE pleases.
I know it won't be easy for me but the least I can do is try.

This post is a reminder to myself as I begin another milestone. A milestone which I hope will not distract me from the real purpose of my existence.  A milestone which I hope will not make me forget. For truly, I am so afraid of forgetting . I am so afraid of being lulled by pretty things that takes me further away. That is my greatest fear.

To sum it up, I am thankful and yet afraid. But life has to go on. Taking that leap now. Bismillah.