Sleepless

I cant seem to fall asleep these days. Alim, irfan and alisha are all sound asleep and Im still up, doing unimportant things and thinking about nothing in particular. For the past few weeks Ive been falling asleep at 3am and then I'll be up at 4.30am for alisha's feeding. At 7 am I'll feed her again and at 9am, its time for her to bathe. Surprisingly I dont nap in the afternoon, which means my sleeping hours are all whacked and Im not getting enough sleep. Sometimes I get groggy, but most times Im just in a blur. Breastfeeding and changing of diapers have become like an automatic reflex ; other than that, Id be rocking her to sleep, cuddling her or 'talking' to her. She takes quick napps in the day, 2 hours max and I cant really do much of other things. She doesnt like to be left alone and gets bored easily, which some say is typical of babies her age. So my days pretty much revolves around feeding, changing of diapers and putting her to sleep.

Seriously, Id rather be doing this for a while more. Although, I can feel my brain cells disintegrating on me and my body feels really lethargic from all that sitting down for feeding and rocking her to sleep. I dont feel like going to work yet for now. To get some fresh air and my mind going for a bit, I look forward to going out .with the two kids in tow of course. If I leave them, Ill be thinking about them endlessly, but when we bring them, there's more mess and hassle of course. But we always choose the latter..dunno why. Come to think of it, alisha sleeps longer when we are out and when we put her in the sling. Its the movement i guess. So actually its kinda easier to manage her when we r out. Which is good for my sanity.

The holidays end today and we didnt even get our passports stamped this june. Irfan seemed very contented staying home, glued to the TV, much to my dissatisfaction. But me, Im getting some sort of withdrawal symptoms....travelling is a difficult habit to kick. And this body is programmed to get away every 6 mths. But alisha is too young, and for her good, Ill wait it out. And I really need to curb on that spending anyway. With two kids and ageing parents, we need all the reserves we can get.

OK typing this is making me sleepy which is good, coz i need to sleep. I cant believe typing this is as boring as you reading it now. It cant get more boring then readin about ones sleeping habits, can it?. So i better stop the blabbering now. Maybe I should just stick to posting more pictures accompanied by skimpy words.

Ok goodnite.

Gloom



This photo was taken when we were in Sunshine Coast, Australia.
It's ironic. Theres no sunshine at all in this pic.
It mirrors the way i feel today.

But despite that, the tree stands tall amidst the dark, gloomy clouds.
The leaves will grow. With time they will.
And the grey clouds will subside.

Mugshots of the little brown bear

Brown cub will be turning two mths soon.
she's into a lot of cooing and smiling these days.
This one likes to be held, cuddled and entertained.




Luckily, we have a clown in the house.

Add some colour to your life.






I like to saturate his photos. And change all his colours.
And it will always come out distorted. I think I like them that way.
But on second thoughts, I prefer blacknwhite.


I dunno much about birds, but I hope you have learnt something, lil boy.

Flashback

Music has always been a central part of us.
'A reason to see you again' you said and I smiled.
The walkman, the CDs, the MDs, the ipods; we danced through time.
Every step of the history we made was accompanied by the playlist.
The playlist last nite.

It was all it took.
You were there, at every part.
I know I wasnt crazy coz only you share that piece of memory.
Of that playlist last nite.:)

A picture that speaks a thousand words.

Even after a long, exhausting day at work,
you give comfort to a little red bug,
who chooses the stinky smell of your worn-out body and tired hard feet
over the comforts of his soft, clean bed.
Always.





I'd choose the same too.
Always.

9th June 2009
My survivor

Congratulations on surviving one more year of your life, withstanding a house full of crazy people.
That definitely deserves a standing ovation and a celebration.

So today, we will celebrate you.
Happy Birthday, team mate.:)



P.S. Ten years since I board the train, and Im still in awe.
To you, who make this ride so fun
And so worthwhile.

The sunshine turns a month tomorrow.



Your smile makes me forget about last night:)

Daddy's boy
Of cameras..fast cars and guitars....

I want to dream just like you...



I want to play just like you...


I want to do what you do...



I want to be just like you.
So teach me daddy, Im yours...

Happy Father's Day (a real early one):)

The world is a wonder.
Get acquainted, my love.

Say u love me
and say no more.

you deal with the heartbreak everyday
knowing you are not the apple of his eye.

and u wish u didnt know
so that he will still be your number one.

its gone now. its gone.

I think all mothers who had just given birth should be whisked away to a relaxing, secluded resort for about a week to recuperate from their exhausting labour.

All i could think of the moment i stepped into my home after being discharged from hospital is to run off with the baby in my arms to a beautiful resort facing the vast blue sea where I coud just relax. Where i can have my daily massages whilst enjoying a nice cool breeze n hearing the waves crashing on the shores, with the open sea right in front of me.

Afterwhich, I have my balanced meal served to me in silverware so presentable that even ubat periuk can look appetizing.

Maybe throw in a facial or two, anything that pampers the worn out body and nourishes my well being.

Then have a lactation nurse on call to answer my neverending breastfeeding questions and give my breasts all the attention they need. Maybe a nursery room so pretty to welcome the lil babe with a paeditrician, a nurse and a helper just a call away. So anytime the baby is crying incessantly, the nurse or pd can just drop by to take a look to see if my paranoia is valid or im just going crazy.

A helper at my back and call would be great to throw away that diaper when im done changing the baby so that i can hold her immediately. or to hand me the tissue when my breast is leaking all over the baby's face...and all other stuff that saves me the time away from my baby so that I can concentrate on breastfeeding and cuddling the baby in peace.

And of course, one other important service; internet connection! What for, u asked? definitely not for work purposes to check edumail! For online shopping of course; where you can purchase the necessary nursing bras and tops and look for pretty baby clothes while you are it and maybe a designer diaper bag too :) All necessary, I swear!

Wouldnt that be a great post labour getaway? Im sure there's some resort like that somewhere.

But well, for now, i can just dream about the vast blue sea and move my butt to throw the diaper and grab the tissue. As for the pd, lactation nurse and helper at my back and call, I suppose I will just have to settle for my mum... hehhhee. She gives me advice on everything, though im quite sceptical about most of her bizzare theories.

One example would be wetting a tiny part of a tissue and putting it on baby's forehead to stop baby's hiccups. The connection between wet tissue on forehead and air in the lungs is really beyond me ...but her suggestions somehow are comforting to me, if that makes sense at all.

But on a serious note, she has been a huge help. I would have gone berserk without her to take care of me and handle irfan when ive had too much in my hands. I really dunno what I will do without her.

as for the online shopping. oh yes! that i can do!;)

Ok, I hear the lil one crying. Isnt it great to be a source of food for a human being. I feel so important! heh

Back to reality now. Till later!

Is that silence, I hear?
Below is a picture of PEACE.



It has been quite a chaotic first 2 weeks I must say. With 2 kids clamouring for my attention, I dont even have time to take a bath at times!
Looking like a hag and smelling of breastmilk 24/7, I just spend the day back and forth, back and forth attending to these two. Somehwere in between changing soiled diapers and answering irfan's neverending questions, day has turned into night. The hours seemed to whiz by, ever so fast!

Birth journal of the lil girl- for future reference, my aged mind tends to forget a lot these days.

6th May, Wednesday: had appointment with georgie and did a cervix check. she set a date for me for an induced birth next thursday if baby is still not ou by then.

7th May, Thursday morning: mucus plug came off followed by bloody show. Had a feeling the lil one is coming soon.

8th May, Friday morning, 9am: woke up with contractions. Knew it was contractions coz it was consistent. But the pain was still very mild and they were very far apart.
Messaged Alim, who was at work, to tell him we'd probably need to go to hospital later in the evening or Sat morning.

5.30pm: Alim came back from work. My contractions were getting stronger and nearer but still tolerable and more than 10 mins apart so i tot I'd wait it out. Tried to take my mind off the pain by keeping myself busy with irfan and walking around the house.
Alim and Irfan fell asleep. I figured alim better rest in case it would be a long dramatic night for us. So i waited for him to get up.

9.00pm: Alim's mum came to visit. Contractions was 7 minutes apart and the pain was making me grimace. So I knew I had to go to K.K. Was still quite reluctant to go. The pain was different from Irfan's. It felt more like someone stretching the veins till it almost snap on my upper thigh and back but I felt nothing on my tummy area.

10pm: Finally decided to go K.K. Said goodbye to Irfan and kissed him goodnight. He was upset to be left home and merajuk. Made me want to turn back and forget about giving birth but the pain was unbearable.

10.30pm: Reached K.K and sat in the car for a while. Very reluctant still. At that point I wasnt sure why but now, in retrospect i think i was afraid. I knew the pain I will have to go through during labour coz of my experience with irfan and Im not sure if i was ready.

10.30pm: Gathered my courage and went to delivery suite. They monitored me and found I was 7cm dilated. Wheeled me in labour ward. Prepped me up and they called Georgie. COntractions was 3 minutes apart and the pain almost killed me but didnt coz Alim took my mind off it by keeping me company. I dunno wat we talked about but it helped. Tried the gas but again, never got it. Mengumpat about the irritating nurse who was attending to us. Anything to take my mind off the pain.

11.30pm: Georgie came with wet hair. I askd her if she's from home. She said, "Yes. then from swimming pool?" and gave a silly laugh. Alim and I glared at each other. So like georgie to say sumthing like that. Wore her gloves and broke my water bag. Checked me and I am 10cm apart. Asked me to spread my legs and push. I chickened out and said I m not ready. Started to remember everything I went through with Irfan, got scared and said I needed some time. The irritating nurse turned pale coz she was afraid of georgie coz georgie told her to call only if I am ready to push.

12.00am: The nurse rushed me and told me to just push. I rolled my eyes at alim and we mengumpat about the nurse again. Suddenly the urge to push came and I felt like I just had to get this huge lump out of my system.

12.15am: Georgie came and I told her Im ready. Spread my legs and told me to push. So I did with all my might but nothing came out. Alim psychoed me with words I needed to hear..he always knows what to say to me to make my brain do what i dunt want to do.

12.38am: After a couple of pushes that sapped all strength out of me, her head popped out and soon her whole body just tumbled out. A huge relief off me!
Georgie gripped the head and pulled the whole body out and handed the baby to the nurse who handed the lil one to us. I remember thinkinng; " she's quite dark".
Then they took her back and weighed her; she was 3.2kg (luckily not heavier than the bro) cleaned and wrapped her before giving her back to us for that special moment.
All pain was gone!

12.45am: Georgie finished her job, did the stiches for me, took the placenta out and
cleaned up the mess. I dunt really want to see or know whats going on.

1.30am: They are satisfied with my condition. I am still alive, have not fainted or anything so they wheeled me to my ward. I just cant wait to get up there!
And the rest of my stay was just a lot of cooing over the lil bub and fussing over irfan who also slept over at the hospital for the second night.

Ok..that's about it. Luckily not much drama.
Alhamdullilah:)

Introducing my lil sister.



She is FINALLY here, after I waited so long for her. Every month I will ask ibu if it is May already and after some time, May came and my little sister was born.

This was how she looked like when i saw her at the hospital.
She was wrinkly and fat and her eyes were always shut.



here's how she looks like now.



I like to sing to her and clap my hands in front of her. I think her favourite songs are the Barney Song,Wheels on the Bus and sometimes Old McDonald. Every night, I will read a storybook for her. Most of the time she will sleep through it but Ibu said it's ok.

Some things have changed I think. Sometimes I feel sad coz I think I get scolded more often now. I try to remember what ibu tells me; to be gentle with her, to be careful when near her but i dunno why i keep getting into trouble.

I love my sister and Im soo happy she's here. I tell ibu that everyday.
The moment I get home from school, I will look for her and ask ibu what the baby is doing. Everytime she will be sleeping or drinking milk.
And I will always try to snuggle and sleep beside her.



My job is always to throw the water used for wiping her poo. Ibu said Im very helpful and Im a great big brother.

I bought my sister a pink playdoh that day but ibu said she's too little to play. The little T-shirt I chose for her from FOX is also too big for her so she cant wear it yet. Im waiting for her to grow bigger. There's so many things I want to play with her once she stops sleeping every minute.

So i guess this is how my family looks like now. If my teacher asks me to draw them I will have to remember to draw 4 heads instead of 3. :)



Till later. BYE!
Nur Irfan

mucus plug came off yesterday, followed by bloody show.
think georgie kinda pulled it when she checked my cervix on wednesday.
still having it now.
irfans delivery was two days after first bloody show, thank god for the entry in the blog, otherwise i wouldnt have remembered such details.

waiting for serious contractions to come. see glimpses of it but im waiting out for as long as i could before going to the hospital. with the temperature taking, the compulsory wearing of the stifling mask at hospitals now, as far as possible i would rather delay my trip there. wonder if i have to wear the mask while pushing too..heh.

My due date is next Monday, 11th, and so far no signs of labour yet. Nothing..Nada..
Just the usual crampy feeling which I dunt think counts coz it's so fleeting and the only reason i feel it is probably coz Im too free.

I have taken leave beginning last monday, to spend more time with the boy and clean up a lil here and there.

my last checkup with georgie was yesterday. We have set a date on the 14th may, thursday to be induced if the baby is not out yet by then. The baby is 3.4kg now, thereabouts and knowing that the baby is more than 3 kg makes me somewhat cringe.

She kept asking me how big irfan was and i have been telling her he was 3.74. I guess knowing that I managed to deliver irfan naturally made her think I have a high threshold of pain and really no major hurry to induce me. Actually I dunt really have a high threshold of pain, but more of a mentality of getting it over and done with, 'bear with it and hope it be over soon' kind but if possible, I really really rather NOT repeat the ordeal.

Being able to deliver a big baby before, alhamdullilah, doesnt mean I am capable of or I necessarily WANT to do it again. But heck, if that is what I have to go through again, there's nothing much I can do except go through with it.

She said its probably my diet that contributes to the size of the baby. And it has been the trend now for babies to be born bigger than usual. Recently my friend gave birth to a 4kg baby; normal delivery without epi..and she said it took forever for her to push the baby out and at some point she really could feel all her strength being drained out of her.

irfan came 2 days after his EDD and Im not sure about this one. I would say take your time, but dunt grow too big..but if you do, i hope Im given the strength to deliver you safely :)
Coz that's all I can hope for right now.

ive been home for the past few days...been feeling cramps and getting terrible headaches. My tummy will get extremely hard and the muscle pull is unbearable. I suppose these are just part of the 3rd trimester woes for this particular babe. Had no such problems with irfan, just remember feeling extremely heavy and lazy with him.

i have plenty to clear at work but looks like that have to take a back seat. I hope i dunt get any muscle pulls whilst Im in labour coz it sure makes contractions a lot more painful and i doubt i can push when part of my muscle is being twisted; every single move I make hurts. the pulls feel like those simpul biawak u get on your feet or calf but i get it at the side of my pelvis and for a few moments, I will be paralysed with pain, till it just goes away on its own. Imagine having that while you are pushing in the midst of tense contractions!

and of course, there's those sleepless nites that goes without saying. Im up every few hours to pee and i just cant sleep comfortably for some reason. My tummy is rather small and aside from the baby, I dunt think I have put on much weight on myself. My arms are just as skinny as ever and my cheeks did not become any chubbier, I think..so I dunno why im feeling extremely uncomfortable. AND Im always hot and bothered these days. Have to sleep with the aircon on and in class, Im just a wreck, feeling so warm all th time and every little thing gets on my nerves. Poor kids. Think they are glad Ive not been in sch for the past 3 days.

Oh well, guess all these are part and parcel of the final leg of my pregnancy. 3 more weeks to go...no clue if it is going to be early or later than EDD.
We have not figured out a name yet but i've chanced upon a name I reaaly liked and alim has one he likes too. so we probably just throw these two names together.
Actually Irfan has a name he liked too. And when we told him the names we have chosen, he scrunched his nose and said they were not nice. Too bad...he can have a chance to name his own kids when he grows up. By the way, the name he wanted was Mudalisa Atika. Hehhehe. :) I suspect he modified his friends' name.

I dunno how some parents can start all their kids names with the same letter, but we just cant find anything we like that starts with Nur or the letter 'I' to be consistent with Irfan's name. We did try but couldnt find anything. We probably should have planned all our kids names before giving birth to the first one...heh, but then again, we've always been weak in the planning dept. So I suppose there would probably be nuthing similar about irfan's name and his sister.

I know I have told myself not to buy any clothes for the little one till about a week before my EDD. That's what I did with Irfan. But I just cant resist! Went to FOX the other day to get irfan some T-shirts but my eyes drifted to the other section of the shop, all things pink, purple and white! So I bought a couple but none of them were pink, actually, except for this really cute tights with dark pink and white stripes. I probably dunt really like pink baby clothes as much as I thought. In fact other than the tights, I doubt she can wear the other stuffs I bought till she turned older. But they were irrestible anyway so I bought them just for the fun of it.:)

Ok, time to go. Counting down the days to 11th May, my EDD. :)

ok long entry alert.
if you have insomnia, this entry might just be your cure. :)

Life at 31
So im turning 31 this year and never in my wildest dreams would I tink that I 'll be a mother of 2 soon. Insyallah.
Life has been pretty kind so far and like always, I've always taken each day as it comes. Might not be the best way to live your life but honestly I did not plan for everything that I have now. I've never really had a goal or target in life for eg, to make that first million when Im 35 or to have 3 kids when Im 40. Some say, those who fail to plan, plan to fail. I suppose they are right but I think life is so unpredictable..maybe Im just to scared to raise my hopes and see my plans ruined. And one thing I know for sure about myself is that Im never ambitious.
So I came to adulthood with no expectations, no plans, no high hopes of being happy, successful or loaded.

But one thing I know is, Ive always been lucky. Lucky to be surrounded with people who have been my source of strength and motivation.
Looking back, my parents had neither the knowledge nor the means to educate me. They never supervised my school work when I was young, never bug me to do my work coz they were pretty much uneducated. I remember having to explain the contents of my report book to them every year coz they are not sure if I had done well or not. BUT they motivated me despite the limited means they have, encouraged me through words and above all, i know for sure their prayers was the only thing that kept me sheltered and blessed all these times.

Somehow or other, without any aim or direction, I made it to Uni. Like I said, I am lucky coz I have siblings who took the place of my parents and helped me every step of the way. I remember my sister buying me a set of encyclopedia on my birthday when she got her first pay.It was expensive and it was quite a huge portion of her pay. She was the one who fed me with endless storybooks and bought me all the collection of Enid Blyton books I had. She promised me that if I could go to Uni, she would bring me to Australia for a holiday. In the end, she didnt but somehow I wasnt disappointed coz I understood the intend behind it.

I also know for sure without my brother, I would probably have no one to guide me in my school work. he was 5 years older than me and at that time, to me, he was a fountain of knowledge. It's as if he knew everything, so much so that I believed him when he said he could transport himself to the sky.
I hung on to every word he said. I remembered when I first bought my school books in P1, he was the one who read the books to me and my sister helped me to wrap my books. He was also the one who set mock papers for me to do and mark them when I am done. At that time, everything was handwritten and he carefully chose the questions from my test papers and assessment books and wrote them in a form of a test paper. And when I cried coz I was cranky and tired and could not finish my art homework, he was the one who completed it for me so that I can hand it in the next day. I dont know if he could remember all these details now, but I would never forget them. Coz I know for sure, I would never have been here without them.

I was never the smartest, the most hardworking, the most creative or vocal but I have always been lucky.
WIth A level grades that barely made it, I was lucky enough to be accepted in Uni. I was never the brightest student, never talked so much during tutorials but I enjoyed writing essays. before I know it, 3 years have gone by, and there I am, wondering what to do with my life. I dont have a plan, a goal or an amibition but I had all these opportunitites presented to me in my hands.

For lack of better ideas, I decided to teach. yes, for lack of better ideas.
and i remembered wanting to buy time before I start working and the 1 year PGDE course with pay could give me that. My parents wasnt exactly young anymore and the source of income would surely help. I didnt have the luxury or means to go overseas or study for a few more years so i decided to go into teaching immediately.
I was met with a rude shock when I came face to face with the stress of the teaching profession especially in the most difficult beginning 3 years. I managed to survive and again, was lucky to have met someone who saw some potential in me and gave me an opportunity to carry out a position which i doubted i was capable of undertaking.

But somehow I survived with the help of my source of strength, whom I was destined to meet. Alim was there every step of the way and helped me in my work whenever he could. I remembered him helping me to prepare my materials for my lesson observation. using his fantastic artistic skills, he prepared so many of my teaching materials that everyone in school thought I had artistic flair, which I obviously dont. From cutting circles for lesson on fractions, to collecting leaves for my science experiment, he had done it all with me. I particularly remembered him accompanying me to Mustafa Centre in the middle of the night coz I suddenly remembered i forgot to by nuts to be used in school for racial harmony day celebration the following day. He has always been the one to sit through my series of complains and tears and urged me on when i doubted myself.

But I must say all that stress, sweat and tears at work did not actually go to waste. It paid for my wedding. I managed to save enough and used the hard earned money to cover all costs, every lil detail of the wedding... but of course was pretty sad when I saw all my money gone after the wedding. :(

I have always been lazy and laid back but work requires me to be out there and take up bigger responsibilities. I struggled and surprisingly did things which I thought I was never capable of. And now, 8 years on, at a different school, I see my work in a totally opposite light. Im still not ambitious, but I now see that my work is appreciated in my school and it does have an impact on the students and teachers. And knowing the tears and heartaches of the teachers who just started out, I could use my position to create a better place for them. Work has been good so far, still busy but Im happy to be surrounded by colleagues and most importantly bosses who care.

Im still with no ambition. Opportunities keep presenting itself, as if forcing me to go somewhere, pushing me in a direction I never plan for. I donno if I should limit myself to here and now coz I am just too lazy or to take up the challenge, grow and impact others. Honestly, I never thought my attitude is ever cut out for this. But I also know,there is a bigger force out there that controls everything that comes my way.

And now at 31, I must say Im comfortable and thankful. With so many things that can go wrong, they have always come out perfect. So for all that I have today, Im thankful to so many people who have brought me here.

I donno if they know or remember all that they have done for me, but for sure,
I will never forget every single detail of how they have played a part in my life. :)