Holiday 2014

It's the holidays again. Usually I will be looking forward to this day to cross oceans and continents into new lands and be far and away. But somehow not this year. I have no idea why.

This year I just needed to be home and rest.  To take in the little things. To spend quiet quality time with the kids without having to go anywhere or be at any place. To just paint, draw, read, swim and spend time talking to them. To cycle, to lay in bed, to dream, to take time to do holiday projects which we have always wanted to do. I have no idea why.

I'm thankful for having a nice place to do all that. Thankful to be able to pretend I'm on holiday when I'm not.  Thankful to have every little moment with my kids. But it's really not just about the place but the ability to be anywhere and just enjoy every little moment. Because someday soon perhaps we might not be able to anymore.

Maybe soon when shahid is slightly older we'll pack our bags and travel again. Insya Allah kalau ada rezeki. There are so many beautiful places out there but I'm sure all of us know how it feels to fall in love with one place, no matter how many countries we have been to. There is always this one place u can never get your mind off. Be it europe, new zeland, greece etc.I have a special spot too and I pray I will be able to bring my kids there one day and let them feel how i felt when i was there.
So this break, we are really taking a break from all the travelling, all the working and just taking time to rest, spend time with each other and perhaps learn something new along the way.

To all having your holidays, enjoy the well deserved break with your loved ones!

Leaping into the unknown

I don't know what lies ahead. But i will take whatever comes to me with patience. And when I can't I will try my best and remember that none of these belong to me in the first place and I will leave all of them. They are all means to an end which will inevitably come. They are never meant to be an end in itself.

Living a comfortable life is indeed a blessing which I must be thankful for and never take for granted. Thinking that things will always remain lovely and dandy is like thinking that life will go on forever.  It won't and some days I might lose everything. However it should not matter and I shall walk all the challenges ahead with patience and humility. Perhaps there is a lesson there which I must learn.  Perhaps HE is pulling me in from drifting too far away, swayed by the comforts of a temporary life.

I am putting my feet into something I'm not sure I am ready for. To be honest, my whole life has been such. I am always foolish when making decisions. But sometimes they do turn out more than alright. And if they don't I will always take it as a lesson learnt. This time, I am praying for the best but ready to learn my lesson in case this wasn't my best decision.  Isn't that how we grow, learn and remember that we are not the best of planners?

Therefore, I hope I am strong to face everything that lies ahead. That I will always be positive  no matter how much negativity surrounds me. No matter how bad, things look. For I am not concerned with how bad things look from the outside or how bad things look from a human 's perspective. I am only very concerned about how it looks in HIS eyes. For only HE knows what lies in the depth of my heart and how I truly handle any situation, no matter how bad it might seemed. For I am willing to do anything that HE pleases.
I know it won't be easy for me but the least I can do is try.

This post is a reminder to myself as I begin another milestone. A milestone which I hope will not distract me from the real purpose of my existence.  A milestone which I hope will not make me forget. For truly, I am so afraid of forgetting . I am so afraid of being lulled by pretty things that takes me further away. That is my greatest fear.

To sum it up, I am thankful and yet afraid. But life has to go on. Taking that leap now. Bismillah.

Innocent hearts

I wonder how do these children process the deaths and blood shed happening right before their eyes. How being witness to the deaths of their family members will scar them for the rest of their lives.

Often we see the physical injuries of these children splattered all over the Internet.  That's what our eyes can see and each time we see, our hearts break into a million pieces. But i wonder what goes through the minds and hearts of these little beings? The emotional trauma they go through must be worse than any physical injury our limited sight can see.

I wonder if they get nightmares and whether the images of their mother, father, uncles, neighbours being blown up will have a lifelong impact on their lives. I wonder if there is another family member left to give them the love and emotional support they truly need.

I know for sure the concept of having a counsellor or social worker working with them through their emotions is not even in their list of things to do when basic necessity is not even met.

I compare this to the support people get from other parts of the world when a crisis happens. When the crisis doesn't even match up to this. This crisis happens on a daily basis right in front of hundreds of little children. Surely the emotional impact is too immense.

Will it harden their hearts? Do they have a different concept of death and dying? Will they be angry? Will they be so beaten and depressed that the only emotion that will surface is that of retaliation and revenge? And will we not fully understand this reaction if it happens? Will we stand on a moral high ground and judge if these children grow up hating? When u see death on a daily basis surely up to some point your concept of death will be different from someone else.

Will they not know how to grief and live with the heartache forever? Will they resign to fate and be prepared for death and not fear it?

I do not know and i can only imagine what goes on in the hearts and minds of these
innocent little children. 

They should never have seen any of this. They should never.

I wonder if anyone else living outside of Gaza can fully understand this grief. I don't think we ever can.

Happy birthday darling boy

Happy birthday to the littlest one. The funny one. The one who is big on emotions. The one who laughs the hardest and cries the loudest.  The one who loves to hug and kiss and be carried like a baby. The one who teaches me patience and gives a new meaning to speed.
I love you so much la boy!

Lessons in Ramadhan

My children love to fast. I am quite intrigued by this. In fact it's easier to get them to fast than to eat at times. Irfan started when he was five and alhamdullilah it has been made easy for him.

However, this year especially was pretty hard for him as he has soccer trainings.  In fact I was the one who told him to break his fast if he could not stand it. But after every soccer training, he will be the only muslim boy in the team who is still fasting. I have no idea how he does it or why. He has never once complained about being thirsty or hungry or ask my permission to break his fast even when i saw that his lips were pale and dry. In fact i was the one who was worried and kept telling him that its ok to break his fast. He never once gave in to my offer. Alhamdullilah.

We have always been encouraging but truth is we were never quite strict about insisting they fast. We are stricter when it comes to praying or doing homework than we are about fasting.

What comes as a big surprise for me though was Alisha. I did not expect her to be able to fast too at the age of five. When irfan was keen on fasting, we attributed his ability to his personality. He is much better at controlling his wants as compared to the little princess who will kick up a fuss when she doesn't get her way.

The first 2 days was tough for her. She was in conflict and could not control her hunger and thirst. I allowed her to break her fast but tried my best to encourage her. On the 3rd day, she told me " I think I am ready to fast" alhamdullilah and since then she never once break her fast prematurely. From the third day on, she fasted full day. Once she started committing to fasting, she woke up diligently for sahur and never complained about being hungry or thirsty. Subhanallah. HE has indeed given strength to them in a way I could not understand.

I have spoken to them about fasting. I've always told them that fasting teaches us that we can be in control of our needs and wants. I told them that they are strong enough to refuse something which seems tempting and nice for something which pleases Allah. This aspect of self control is something important I hope my children will learn early in their life because for sure there will be many temptations out there. And fasting is a great way to start.

For a child, fasting is pretty tough especially when they see someone drinking their favourite drink or eating cold ice cream when they are fasting and thirsty. So every time they manage to control what they want and stick to the course, I encourage them by saying that they are strong enough and have awesome sense of self control.

But truth is i did not really play a huge part. I am still quite clueless why they enjoy fasting and is able to do it. They are probably not big eaters to begin with.

Some say fasting at 5 is too early. But if the child is willing I say why not. And to me it's not the fasting itself that matters but they are practising something more important. They are learning self control and self discipline and most importantly sacrificing their needs and wants for Allah. That is the beauty of fasting that I want my children to see and practice so that it becomes a habit in their life. Through fasting they realise that they are indeed strong enough and capable of controlling their wants for HIS sake.

They might start at 5, 7 or 9. I think it doesn't matter as long as they are willing and ready. I don't think it's right to force them too early lest they will find fasting a chore. Whenever they are ready, as parents we will continue to encourage and motivate them. Our target should not be to get them to fast for a month but to teach them day to day on how to deal with their wants. So that what was tempting on day 1 will not be the least tempting on day 2. With the hope that they will develop this ability and apply it into their lives way after Ramadhan. They will also learn that it is indeed possible to be happy with so little.

Ramadhan is a wonderful time with so many lessons to learn.  It is a great time to start a new habit. May these children be given strength to choose not only what their heart desire but what is decreed by HIM, no matter how tempting the former may be. And for me to be given strength to practice this understanding too. Insya allah.

Test and trials

The test and trials of mine are nothing compared to the test and trials of those who has no more tears to shed with the blood of their loved ones on their hands.

I am going through a busy period but who am I to complain when my days are not filled with the fear of death and sounds of firing and shells.

My patience are tested by the challenges I am facing one after another but what is it compared to the patience they have to endure seeing blood of their innocent loved ones and the inability to fight back.

The level of patience of the people who did not retaliate and take up arms to fight back is just too much to measure. I don't know if I can possibly stand back if a loved one is brutally murdered for no reason. I admire their patience. It truly requires an unbelievable amount of iman and trust in HIM.

For those who did fight back and attack, that is a natural reaction. A wrong reaction but a natural one. After all anger is part of human emotions. But to have restraint and fight these natural tendencies, these people have my respect. Total respect. They have risen above what ordinary people would do. They are stronger than ordinary.

For every one person that they killed, it's one person to a beautiful place. It's heart wrenching it's beyond imagination it makes u sick to your gut. It's what the human emotion cannot deal with. It s what the human mind deem unfair and unjust. But we have to remember that the human mind and emotions are limited and at times cannot be our sole guide.

It gives me an even higher respect for our prophets who had to face the disbelievers. Perhaps these disbelievers were these heartless too. And stubborn. And yet our prophets treated them with highest level of respect. And patience.
Subhanallah.

The killings as we see it.

May all of them be placed at a much better place for its true, these civilians do not deserve the senseless killings of this world. It's too painful and heartbreaking to see the pictures and to read about them.  Every time I accidentally see one, I picture them at that beautiful and permanent place where I hope they end up in for being murdered brutally.

However, eventually HE knows best. What we see are brutality, suffering and deaths but I've learnt that behind all the suffering we see, in HIS count, theres more to it than what meets the eye. I trust that all of those who have departed due to the brutality and senseless murders have earned their ticket to Jannah.  Every day I pray that is true.

And those who live to witness the senseless deaths of their loved ones, I pray that they have the strength to rise above their understandable anger.

There's just too much we don't understand.

Shahid

This one is something else. I thought irfan was super active when he was a toddler but boy was I wrong!

Keeping up with shahid is a challenge for us. He's fast, nippy, persistent and determined to get what he wants.  He takes matters into his own hands. If you don't want to take something for him which is too high, he would drag a chair and climb on it, you say no and he runs past you before you can finish your sentence.

That is him. But oh my goodness he's too adorable! He might be active but what he loves most is a hug and a cuddle when he sleeps, a shoulder to lean on when he's tired. He loves being close and held.

Boy, is he energy sapping but we will surely miss this stage when he grows up! Relishing every single moment with him now!

June 9th 2014- Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to my partner, leader and best friend. The most positive person I know, the one who truly leads by example. The one who is always there and keeping things positive no matter how bad the situation can be. The one with a rational mind and a beautiful heart.

May HE protect you and grant you happiness and peace of heart no matter what comes and goes.

I'm fortunate to have you as a partner on this temporary journey.  May we reach our intended destination together, a million times more beautiful than everything amazing we already have right here.
Insya Allah.

Love always.

Nothing compares

Taking a break from all the travelling. Right now, I have no place I would like to go. Except to return to one place. Keep thinking about it, I can't really stop myself. 
Insya allah someday again.  With my kids. For now, I just have to be patient.

Enjoy your hols everyone. 

Another crossroad

Taking a giant leap.  May this decision be the best for us and may it be full of berakah. 

Make it easy if it's meant for us. Make our intentions right. Do not blind us and divert us from our main course. Only HE knows our intentions and may HE guide towards him and not further from HIM.

Alhamdullilah. May this decision not burden us. Make it easy now and in the future. If there is a lesson behind this decision in the future, may we be strong enough to face it and humble enough to learn from it. 

Power company

Oh how much they have grown.

My guardian angels

My "mothers" and "sisters" during my Hajj trip. Reunited during a recent wedding. Missed them so much.

The holy land, the land of miracles 1

I haven't really written much. Tonight I'm going to write about my trip. It cannot end in one entry. There's just too much to share. This will be the first of many. I am going to talk about every miracle in the trip. Miracles which were sometimes disguised as a setback. Miracles which took my breath away. In awe. In amazement of HIS perfect plan. And there were too many. Let's begin with some.

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After the immense feeling of gratitude upon receiving the letter that we were given the opportunity to go to that one place we have been yearning to go for the longest time, one by one the doors opened for us.

We packed our bags, kissed everyone goodbye with tears in our eyes but our hearts were at total peace and completely ready to go.

The plane was about to take off when it didn't, lost speed and came to a sudden halt. That was to be out first test. After some drama, involving firefighters and panic reactions, we had to leave the plane and it was delayed for 7 hours.

Alhamdullilah it didn't feel like a test at all because our airport was comfortable and self sufficient. We ate, sat and talked. For Alim and I, we actually relished this moment together because we never really had the opportunity to chill at the transit area of our first class airport without running around after little kids. We had coffee, talked and took in the airport music even...Something we never quite get to hear with the little ones around. So while it might seem like a long wait for the rest, we took in the atmosphere knowing these moments are pretty rare for us.

When it did finally take off, we left without our luggages because they had to remove all luggages and cargo from the plane as they found something suspicious in one of the bags and everything had to be examined again.
Hours later, we reached Jeddah airport with just our hand luggage and without our main luggage. First lesson learnt: we really do not need much to last the days. We just managed with whatever little we have and surprisingly it wasnt so difficult at all. We bought some necessities but luckily for me, I packed everything I really needed in my hand luggage.

Our luggages came 5 days later.
Because of this delay, 2 miracles happened. (first 2 of many in this journey) To be honest, this journey was so full of miracles that it brings tears to my eyes everytime I think about it. Subhanallah, HE really made everything easy for us, in such miraculous ways that my gratitude can never suffice. There was nothing that was not perfectly laid out for us. I'm just so choked with emotions thinking about it, even now.

It so happens that we left our main luggage key at home and forgot to bring it with us. We realized this when we were already at changi airport and there's no way we could go back and take it. We were prepared to break the lock or the luggage upon reaching our hotel. However because our luggages were delayed, I managed to get my brother to send the key to the hajj personnel in singapore who will be coming with all our luggages 5 days later. So my key came with my luggage and we didn't have to break anything. The mysterious way things work. True story of a silver lining.

Secondly, because our flight was delayed, we reached Jeddah later and the crowd had cleared. We were prepared and warned before our trip that the wait at Jeddah will usually take more than 10 hours before we can board the bus and get to our hotel as the airport staff there usually take a long time to process our passports. The airport wasnt exactly comfortable but we were prepared to be patient. Because we were delayed, we were cleared less than 4 hours. Alhamdullilah. None of this would have been possible without HIM. The miracles didn't stop here.

I have heard so many horror stories about how people cannot get along with their room mates. How squabbles and fights happen all the time between roommates. I was prepared for the worst. I was prepared to be patient, calm and accept all the challenges that were to come my way.

Before I left, I was unsure how I would cope alone. Alim will be mostly with the men. What if I wasn't sure what to do? I was afraid actually. The only way to curb my worry was to pray. I prayed hard that i would meet at least one person I could click with.

But by HIS grace, I was put together with 4 most wonderful, amazing people. It was almost unbelievable. They took care of me like their own sister and daughter. 2 were much older while the other 2 was around my sister's age. In fact, when i planned to register, i wished my sister or mum could go with me. I was bent on having another lady from my family because I thought I will be alone in the mosque without company and I feared the thought of that.
Unfortunately both my mum and sister could not make it.

However HE sent me sisters and mothers of no relation but equally caring. In fact one of the sisters name was the same of my sis. And she was one of the four angels in my room. What a coincidence!

When I was sick, they brought food up to my room for me and made me hot drink. One of them gave me a massage even. They kept a spot for me in the prayer hall when I was late. They washed some of my laundry for me just because they were washing theirs and saw mine unwashed. I felt like the luckiest girl on the planet. One laundry less. Woohoo!! One of the makcik was really good and fond of sewing. She shortened the abaya I had bought because it was too long. She brought her whole sewing kit, her own iron, her whole medicine cabinet, with minyak kapak, all kinds of lozenges, she had everything. Super makcik I call her. They guided me when I was unsure what to do. They reminded me when I was forgetful. They look out for me ALL the time. Once they thought i was lost and hunted for me all over the place. They woke me up for night prayer when I was too sleepy. I returned the favour. We helped each other and shared our stories. We became close. They were my guardian angels! It was comforting to have people who look out for me and cared about me when I'm surrounded by strangers at a faraway land. Best of all, they were funny, particularly one sister who always call me "budak kecik". I guess that's probably why they feel like they needed to protect me. Haha.

That's one of the biggest miracle for me. My prayers were answered. I was at ease and no longer afraid.

I shall end here for now. Another day for another story of another miracle. May we all appreciate what we have for none of these are ours to be begin with.

Good night:)

Life's lessons - reflection

This year we turn 36. Alhamdullilah I have had 35 most wonderful years of my life. I've always seen these years as a miracle because I'm a bit of a hypochondriac and ever since I was in primary school, I was convinced I was suffering from something. Name me one illness and I am sure I thought I had it at least once. So every year I survived healthy, I am ever so thankful and see it as an absolutely amazing miracle. 

I had a dream once when I was in secondary two. A lady wearing green Baju Kurung emerged in my dream. She had curly hair. She spoke. She said to be thankful for what I have because one day soon, everything I have will disappear. She said "soon your luck will run out." I keep her words close. I was afraid but at the same time everytime my life turned out fine, I can't describe how thankful I am. Every day my family is healthy is a huge blessing to me.

There were many lessons I learnt along the way and many, I am glad I learnt early in my life. One of it was to save for what I wanted. I wasn't born in a family who could give me everything I need. I'm sure my parents would if they could, but they didn't have enough. I bought my first bicycle when I was in primary school with my own money from Hari Raya visiting. Many times I was tempted to spend it on little things but I told myself I wanted that bicycle so bad. 

My next big purchase was a laptop. I had started NIE but I didn't have enough to buy it. I needed it for school assignments. So I decided to purchase it at courts and pay installments instead. I soon realized somehow I just cannot finish paying. After about 2 years my laptop was spoilt and yet I was still paying for it! The price became 3x more since I paid by installments instead of cash. The moment I managed to pay off the last dollar, I was soooo relieved! 

I vowed to never purchase anything using installments ever again! And I never did till today.

And then I started working. I got my first and only credit card a year or 2 after I started working. Using it was so simple I just couldn't believe it. I don't remember what I bought with it but somehow I could never finish paying if I pay the minimum sum each month. It kept dragging and dragging. At times I paid late and interests was incurred. My credit card amounted to thousands and I can never seem to get it to any lesser. I finally removed my credit card from my wallet , and concentrated on settling the amount that I had already incurred before touching my card ever again. It took years for me to pay off everything. Most of my monthly pay went to paying off the credit card. And boy the sense of relief when I finished paying was unbelievable!! After that I cut my credit card into 2 and never had a credit card again eversince!  To me, that was the most important lesson I learnt early in my life.

So when I needed to save for my wedding, I knew credit card was not an option. So I just had to be disciplined and kept aside money monthly. I am not naturally a thrifty person so it was a lot of effort on my part to forgo the things I wanted. To be honest when I could not purchase the things I wanted because I had to save, I was pretty bitter and sore and blamed my parents for their poor financial planning as they could not even pay for their youngest daughter's wedding. But those were insane moments. The truth is, I've always understood that my parents had given us all that they could. Given the fact that they were uneducated, their life has been filled with so many blessings. They managed to give us a comfortable home, education and so much love. 

And to me, my degree was also a miracle 

because I was neither bright not hardworking. And so I feel like it's put on my lap for a greater purpose. To help my parents, to ease them a little. And to pay for what they couldn't, including my wedding. And so my insane moments of bitterness were but a fleeting moment. 

Those were some of the many lessons I have learnt in my life. There are many more. Save that for another day.