A Reminder to Myself
(Found this in one of the saved posts- unpublished..probably due to lack of time...)
there's so many things to be thankful for in this life. too many, that i dunt think my lifetime of thanks will ever be enough.
many good things have come so easily. they are borrowed, no less, coz nuthing is really ours. so that means these good things can be taken away just as easily too. mere humans, we really have no control over anything except to plea to the greatest power to spare us yet another day, for us to show our immense gratitude as HIS humble creation and another day for us to work towards saving our souls.
as the days passed and as we proceed through the the different stages of life, we expand family ties and the number of pple we love multiply. when we were younger, the only love we noe, is that of our immediate family. then marriage comes and now there's more people to love; our wife/husband and his whole family. then we give birth, we created more pple to love; our own children and if god bless, our daughters/sons-in-laws and grandchildren. and the best part is, theres more people in this world who loves us back.
along with these love comes more responsibilities. now as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter in law. during my younger days, i used to see these responsibilities as a burden but now i realize how silly i was.
now i noe dat it is indeed a blessing to have more responsibilities. HE has promised that if we were to perform our responsibilities as a wife well, we will be blessed with much more AFTER. and as a mother, if we r able to raise a good child, its in our child's prayers that we depend on in the days AFTER. i am thankful that HE has given me the opportunity to be both; a wife and a mother. these are NOT the work of mine. but its up to me HOW i want to make use of these opportunities. they serve as means to an end. An end which all of us cant escape from.
responsibilities are never easy. so each day is a challenge to myself to perform them well. i think my lifetime is for these.
the presence of LOVE definitely makes it easier. In fact, u wont see them as responsibilities at all. u do it coz its in your heart to do so, not some work to be done and completed.
there's an opportunity in every family ties, in every human relation that we have. an opportunity to love, to do good.
knowing that we are on borrowed time, we just want to provide the most and treasure our loved ones. it is not within our knowledge to know who will leave first n we dont want to regret anything when it doesnt matter anymore.
so i see now, that there is no time to remain angry with anyone or to bear grudges when life is already too short and unpredictable.
im still learning to perform my roles as a wife, daughter, daughter in law and mother, etc.
and i pray that i am given the time to continue learning and the stregth and patience to do them well.
and when things get difficult, i hope i will never forget the bigger picture; that these worldly responsibilities and family ties are indeed opportunities for us to do good n decorate our souls, for when our bodies are limp and withered.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Irfan and me
This holiday, I can say that I had spent a lot of time with Irfan. He is also having his holidays, so I seized the opportunity to spend time with him, every hour of the day. Alim was away on a rugby trip for a few days so for about 5 days, it was just Irfan and me at home.
I think when school reopens, I would be the one having difficulty parting with him, especially the first day of school. :( I never thought I could enjoy the company of a2+ year old as much as I did. At this age, these toddlers are able to have a two way communication and they do make sense, well..most times.
His concentration span has a also improved a great deal so I could actually enjoy some quiet moments with him completing 4 to 6 pieces puzzles. I'm surprised he could actually complete these puzzles at one seating with full concentration; given the abundance of energy he has.
One day, we spent almost half the day, moulding playdoh. He wanted me to mould 3 people; ayah, ibu and irfan. His job was to add in the eyes, nose, mouth, ears and shoes. He also requested that I built 'ayah's car' for the family to go out shopping.
Irfan in blue, ayah in green (check out the Elvis cum P Ramlee hair) and me in pink.
Playdoh is definitely one of my favourite toy now, not only it encourages creativity but you can teach a million and one things to your toddler through playing play doh. From our little activity, he managed to learn a lil about colours, body parts and size. I just tried to extend what he knew and introduce a few new ideas which Im sure he didnt know. The other day, we moulded animals and he told me that birds must have wings, snake is long and must be rolled and an elephant have a long nose. I took the opportunity to introduce some animals he didn't know and moulded them, whilst making him put the body parts. Great teaching tool, isnt it and most importantly it's a lot of fun!
Over the holidays, one of the things I wanted to do with Irfan was to expose him to more things, and especially to work a lil on his phonics and his colour recognition. But the most important thing is to weave them into play and make it fun, fun , fun! That way, both of us can enjoy the activity and he can also pick a thing or two.
I have been introducing him to colours for a while now, but he is taking a pretty long time to recognise them. Actually I find it surprising that he could recognise shapes quicker than colours. So during the holidays, I looked around the house and collected objects which are blue, yellow, green and red and mixed them all up. I deliberately chose items which he liked, which are as real as possible, like bananas, oranges, apples, peas....things which he likes touching but seldom got a chance to. I took 4 boxes and put 2 same coloured items in each box and ask irfan to find other items which are of the same colour. Of course, he enjoyed the idea of walking around finding things and putting them in boxes.
From this activity, I realized he is able to group based on colours. But the problem is, he could not remember what the colour is called.
Now, Im thinking of how to teach him names of colours in a fun and exciting way. Actually I liked it that I have to find creative ways to make sure the activity is interesting enough to sustain Irfan's limited attention. It keeps the activities fun.
Another exciting and powerful teaching tool, is playing make-believe. At 3 years old, they enjoy make-believe play so I took the opportunity to capitalise on this interest of his.
At the moment, his Mickey Mouse and teddy bear are his faithful companions. He will always take mickey mouse for himself and hands me the teddy bear. The other day, Mickey mouse, teddy bear, irfan and me went to a 'make believe' restaurant and we ordered different kinds of food and drinks. There were really a lot of teaching opportunities just from the pretend conversations we've had. I followed his lead but I also tried to put in some details and asked him some questions which made him see other possibilities Halfway through 'eating' , he said Mickey Mouse urgently wanted to 'pee', so he rushed Mickey Mouse to the pretend toilet. Soon he came back, said, "Dah pee" and started eating. I asked him if Mickey Mouse had washed his hands because he had just went to the toilet and his hands are full of germs.
I really had so much fun playing with him and every lil playtime with him can be a teachable moment. He is talkative and once I get his full attention, he is very responsive and engaged. So my challenge is always to make my activities exciting and able to capture his interest. But sometimes, he comes up with the activities and I just simply play along.
I wonder who will he play with him when school reopens. He will learn in school for 3 hours and when he gets back, he will usually be watching TV. I must admit he has learnt quite a lot from TV; some good and some not so good things. But it would be great if there is someone to play with him and make play, a fun teachable moment.
School will start in 2 days, and I am sure 'looking forward' to it.
This holiday, I can say that I had spent a lot of time with Irfan. He is also having his holidays, so I seized the opportunity to spend time with him, every hour of the day. Alim was away on a rugby trip for a few days so for about 5 days, it was just Irfan and me at home.
I think when school reopens, I would be the one having difficulty parting with him, especially the first day of school. :( I never thought I could enjoy the company of a2+ year old as much as I did. At this age, these toddlers are able to have a two way communication and they do make sense, well..most times.
His concentration span has a also improved a great deal so I could actually enjoy some quiet moments with him completing 4 to 6 pieces puzzles. I'm surprised he could actually complete these puzzles at one seating with full concentration; given the abundance of energy he has.
One day, we spent almost half the day, moulding playdoh. He wanted me to mould 3 people; ayah, ibu and irfan. His job was to add in the eyes, nose, mouth, ears and shoes. He also requested that I built 'ayah's car' for the family to go out shopping.
Irfan in blue, ayah in green (check out the Elvis cum P Ramlee hair) and me in pink.
Playdoh is definitely one of my favourite toy now, not only it encourages creativity but you can teach a million and one things to your toddler through playing play doh. From our little activity, he managed to learn a lil about colours, body parts and size. I just tried to extend what he knew and introduce a few new ideas which Im sure he didnt know. The other day, we moulded animals and he told me that birds must have wings, snake is long and must be rolled and an elephant have a long nose. I took the opportunity to introduce some animals he didn't know and moulded them, whilst making him put the body parts. Great teaching tool, isnt it and most importantly it's a lot of fun!
Over the holidays, one of the things I wanted to do with Irfan was to expose him to more things, and especially to work a lil on his phonics and his colour recognition. But the most important thing is to weave them into play and make it fun, fun , fun! That way, both of us can enjoy the activity and he can also pick a thing or two.
I have been introducing him to colours for a while now, but he is taking a pretty long time to recognise them. Actually I find it surprising that he could recognise shapes quicker than colours. So during the holidays, I looked around the house and collected objects which are blue, yellow, green and red and mixed them all up. I deliberately chose items which he liked, which are as real as possible, like bananas, oranges, apples, peas....things which he likes touching but seldom got a chance to. I took 4 boxes and put 2 same coloured items in each box and ask irfan to find other items which are of the same colour. Of course, he enjoyed the idea of walking around finding things and putting them in boxes.
From this activity, I realized he is able to group based on colours. But the problem is, he could not remember what the colour is called.
Now, Im thinking of how to teach him names of colours in a fun and exciting way. Actually I liked it that I have to find creative ways to make sure the activity is interesting enough to sustain Irfan's limited attention. It keeps the activities fun.
Another exciting and powerful teaching tool, is playing make-believe. At 3 years old, they enjoy make-believe play so I took the opportunity to capitalise on this interest of his.
At the moment, his Mickey Mouse and teddy bear are his faithful companions. He will always take mickey mouse for himself and hands me the teddy bear. The other day, Mickey mouse, teddy bear, irfan and me went to a 'make believe' restaurant and we ordered different kinds of food and drinks. There were really a lot of teaching opportunities just from the pretend conversations we've had. I followed his lead but I also tried to put in some details and asked him some questions which made him see other possibilities Halfway through 'eating' , he said Mickey Mouse urgently wanted to 'pee', so he rushed Mickey Mouse to the pretend toilet. Soon he came back, said, "Dah pee" and started eating. I asked him if Mickey Mouse had washed his hands because he had just went to the toilet and his hands are full of germs.
I really had so much fun playing with him and every lil playtime with him can be a teachable moment. He is talkative and once I get his full attention, he is very responsive and engaged. So my challenge is always to make my activities exciting and able to capture his interest. But sometimes, he comes up with the activities and I just simply play along.
I wonder who will he play with him when school reopens. He will learn in school for 3 hours and when he gets back, he will usually be watching TV. I must admit he has learnt quite a lot from TV; some good and some not so good things. But it would be great if there is someone to play with him and make play, a fun teachable moment.
School will start in 2 days, and I am sure 'looking forward' to it.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Irfan's first teacher-parent meeting
It's been a while since I wanted to write about this but just couldn't find the time.
A few weeks back, Irfan's school had a teacher-parent meeting. I was of course looking forward to this although I kind of knew what were some of the adjectives his teacher would use to describe him. :)
As a teacher myself, I also knew that we are trained to sugar-coat our words when speaking to parents and to always highlight the positive first and then to carefully but clearly weave in the not so nice aspects of the child's behaviour.
One of the expected adjective the teacher used was 'active'. "Irfan is an active boy", his teacher said. "He's always bursting with energy, very cheerful and eager to learn." she continued. And lastly she added, " If he is absent, we will all feel like something is missing, we can really feel the difference!" I suppose the teacher is pretty well trained in speaking to parents coz not only did she use neutral words but she used a variety of synonyms which basically means, he just can't sit still in class, wonders around, talks a lot and has problems concentrating for long.
Which, I totally agree! That is Irfan at 3 years old! Apparently he is the same in school and at home.
In terms of learning, his teacher said he is very good at hands-on activities for eg, practical life activities like dry pouring, arranging tower blocks from big to small, shallow to deep and other visual discrimination activities.
He's also pretty good at maths and is able to count without skipping and is able recognise numbers.
But he's taking a longer time for language, he needs lots more practice in mastering his phonetic sounds and recognising the letters. Same goes for Arabic letters. He tends to get the sounds confused.
His developments are detailed in this developmental portfolio which I really really liked. They describe how the child is doing in each aspect of his learning. The last section is a checklist of a list of objectives. The teacher will indicate the date the lesson is being introduced and the date the objective is mastered by the child.
He looks pretty sedated in the pictures. :) hehe
Now, at 3 years old, Im giving him a break from all this academic pressure..let him enjoy being a carefree child for many more years coz he still has a long way to go.Imagine all the loong years of education we've all had. All the exams, stress, the fear of failing....all that can wait.
most importantly I just want him to have the right attitude towards learning; that it can be fun, it's useful and that learning should not competitive. I guess that's why I put in a montessori school coz it's a lot of play, outings, unstructured and not so much like a real school although I'm still not sure if Montessori is the right way to go for Irfan. I dunno if he can cope later in primary 1 when the classroom setting is different and given that he can't sit still. Im just hoping he will slow down a lil as he ages and by 7 is able to sit still during lessons and be engaged in his work. I asked the teacher if he is more active than the rest of the kids and the teacher said he is one of the more active ones but is showing progress compared to the first few months.
He seems to enjoy school so far so maybe i'll keep him there for the year.
For now, Im just enjoying every single day I have with him at home. And Im really learning a lot of stuff about him which I didnt know earlier. Now he has pretty much his own ideas about things and i find them interesting and most times, surprising :)
It's been a while since I wanted to write about this but just couldn't find the time.
A few weeks back, Irfan's school had a teacher-parent meeting. I was of course looking forward to this although I kind of knew what were some of the adjectives his teacher would use to describe him. :)
As a teacher myself, I also knew that we are trained to sugar-coat our words when speaking to parents and to always highlight the positive first and then to carefully but clearly weave in the not so nice aspects of the child's behaviour.
One of the expected adjective the teacher used was 'active'. "Irfan is an active boy", his teacher said. "He's always bursting with energy, very cheerful and eager to learn." she continued. And lastly she added, " If he is absent, we will all feel like something is missing, we can really feel the difference!" I suppose the teacher is pretty well trained in speaking to parents coz not only did she use neutral words but she used a variety of synonyms which basically means, he just can't sit still in class, wonders around, talks a lot and has problems concentrating for long.
Which, I totally agree! That is Irfan at 3 years old! Apparently he is the same in school and at home.
In terms of learning, his teacher said he is very good at hands-on activities for eg, practical life activities like dry pouring, arranging tower blocks from big to small, shallow to deep and other visual discrimination activities.
He's also pretty good at maths and is able to count without skipping and is able recognise numbers.
But he's taking a longer time for language, he needs lots more practice in mastering his phonetic sounds and recognising the letters. Same goes for Arabic letters. He tends to get the sounds confused.
His developments are detailed in this developmental portfolio which I really really liked. They describe how the child is doing in each aspect of his learning. The last section is a checklist of a list of objectives. The teacher will indicate the date the lesson is being introduced and the date the objective is mastered by the child.
He looks pretty sedated in the pictures. :) hehe
Now, at 3 years old, Im giving him a break from all this academic pressure..let him enjoy being a carefree child for many more years coz he still has a long way to go.Imagine all the loong years of education we've all had. All the exams, stress, the fear of failing....all that can wait.
most importantly I just want him to have the right attitude towards learning; that it can be fun, it's useful and that learning should not competitive. I guess that's why I put in a montessori school coz it's a lot of play, outings, unstructured and not so much like a real school although I'm still not sure if Montessori is the right way to go for Irfan. I dunno if he can cope later in primary 1 when the classroom setting is different and given that he can't sit still. Im just hoping he will slow down a lil as he ages and by 7 is able to sit still during lessons and be engaged in his work. I asked the teacher if he is more active than the rest of the kids and the teacher said he is one of the more active ones but is showing progress compared to the first few months.
He seems to enjoy school so far so maybe i'll keep him there for the year.
For now, Im just enjoying every single day I have with him at home. And Im really learning a lot of stuff about him which I didnt know earlier. Now he has pretty much his own ideas about things and i find them interesting and most times, surprising :)
Sunday, June 08, 2008
A much needed rest
After all the hard work, we decided, for this break we just didnt want to do anything. We just wanted to go for a long nice drive, check into a nice resort and just do nothing but sleep, eat and maybe swim a lil.
Irfan, me and our room on the left of the pic
Avillion Beach Resort is a nice water resort in port dickson if you like waking up to the sight of the endless sea and sound of the waves.
Although the sea is not exactly clear blue waters, but it's not too bad. Our resort is right above water so we can either enjoy the sea breeze at the verandah and just stone or do some fishing from the verandah itself.
The day bed faces the sea so the last thing we see before we sleep and the first thing that greets us in the morning will be the endless sea.
Irfan, like most kids are quite easy to please. The 24 hour pool was enough for him. One thing I like about the pool, other than it being 24hrs, is that it's just beside the cafe, so while the kids swam, we can have a leisurely breakfast or drink and keep an eye on them. And on top of that they have a small pet farm within the resort where kids could feed and play with the rabbits, chickens, peacocks and tortoises. With the private beach a mere walking distance from our room, Irfan could not stop building and mostly destroying half built sandcastles. So Irfan did enjoy the place as much as we did. Looking out for kids activities has become our priority nowadays:) We have learnt that restless, bored kids always lead to trouble which means no rest for us!
Another plus point which I liked was the beautiful sunset which we can see every evening at around seven, right from our room! (depending where your room is located)
Nearby the resort, you can find strings of night market and pretty delicious seafood, at a very cheap price.
It's no Banyan Tree but pretty nice for the price we pay. So if you like taking a nice drive up to malaysia, do drop by port dickson and check this place out:)
The downside? Parking is always full at the resort itself, so most of the time, we have to park at the resorts' parking lot across the street.
And secondly, we found a bat in the open air toilet in our room. It was just comfortably resting quietly at the corner of the floor but looks disgusting all the same. So Alim, took it out and left it somewhere (I really don't want to know where! as long as it is out of my sight!!) and I was spooked a lil after that and did not dare to step in the toilet. But luckily no more bats after that!
For lazy people like us, waking up to the beautiful sight is actually all we need. We really had a much needed rested break and will be enjoying the last weeks of the holidays before it's back to work!
My favourite place; the daybed has windows which opens up to the sea. I slept a lot here:)
For more photos go here
After all the hard work, we decided, for this break we just didnt want to do anything. We just wanted to go for a long nice drive, check into a nice resort and just do nothing but sleep, eat and maybe swim a lil.
Irfan, me and our room on the left of the pic
Avillion Beach Resort is a nice water resort in port dickson if you like waking up to the sight of the endless sea and sound of the waves.
Although the sea is not exactly clear blue waters, but it's not too bad. Our resort is right above water so we can either enjoy the sea breeze at the verandah and just stone or do some fishing from the verandah itself.
The day bed faces the sea so the last thing we see before we sleep and the first thing that greets us in the morning will be the endless sea.
Irfan, like most kids are quite easy to please. The 24 hour pool was enough for him. One thing I like about the pool, other than it being 24hrs, is that it's just beside the cafe, so while the kids swam, we can have a leisurely breakfast or drink and keep an eye on them. And on top of that they have a small pet farm within the resort where kids could feed and play with the rabbits, chickens, peacocks and tortoises. With the private beach a mere walking distance from our room, Irfan could not stop building and mostly destroying half built sandcastles. So Irfan did enjoy the place as much as we did. Looking out for kids activities has become our priority nowadays:) We have learnt that restless, bored kids always lead to trouble which means no rest for us!
Another plus point which I liked was the beautiful sunset which we can see every evening at around seven, right from our room! (depending where your room is located)
Nearby the resort, you can find strings of night market and pretty delicious seafood, at a very cheap price.
It's no Banyan Tree but pretty nice for the price we pay. So if you like taking a nice drive up to malaysia, do drop by port dickson and check this place out:)
The downside? Parking is always full at the resort itself, so most of the time, we have to park at the resorts' parking lot across the street.
And secondly, we found a bat in the open air toilet in our room. It was just comfortably resting quietly at the corner of the floor but looks disgusting all the same. So Alim, took it out and left it somewhere (I really don't want to know where! as long as it is out of my sight!!) and I was spooked a lil after that and did not dare to step in the toilet. But luckily no more bats after that!
For lazy people like us, waking up to the beautiful sight is actually all we need. We really had a much needed rested break and will be enjoying the last weeks of the holidays before it's back to work!
My favourite place; the daybed has windows which opens up to the sea. I slept a lot here:)
For more photos go here
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
War time
I hope you are not thinking that I am just sitting around, with a big helmet,
holding on to a big gun waiting for the right moment to shoot.
I really have other better things to do than pick a fight.
I realize, even if my helmet is so big that it covers my face, I can never prevent the bullet from hitting my head. And no matter how big a gun I carry,
I can never win this war.
I hope you are not thinking that I am just sitting around, with a big helmet,
holding on to a big gun waiting for the right moment to shoot.
I really have other better things to do than pick a fight.
I realize, even if my helmet is so big that it covers my face, I can never prevent the bullet from hitting my head. And no matter how big a gun I carry,
I can never win this war.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Conflicting identities
I guess nuthing is as simple as black and white
Perhaps we are indeed made up of both
An evil mind but one saint heart?
Maybe we all have a lil darth vader and super hero in each of us
Constantly battling and squabbling in our crazy lil head
So tread carefully coz we don't want the wrong side to win all the time.
I guess nuthing is as simple as black and white
Perhaps we are indeed made up of both
An evil mind but one saint heart?
Maybe we all have a lil darth vader and super hero in each of us
Constantly battling and squabbling in our crazy lil head
So tread carefully coz we don't want the wrong side to win all the time.
Friday, April 25, 2008
This is not a poem
Mornings
Bus rides, uniform, bus stop
walkman, music
goodbye, hello, railings of the interchange
gum, cigarettes
group of funny looking people
empty green land
darkness surrounds
lift, void deck
by the bay
more music and instruments
madness amidst loud, bursting noise
phones calls
much about nothing
slurred converstions
head in the fridge
drunken moments, where the aeroplanes land
a familiar crook of the arm, it fits i suppose
a mother and brother
closed door
she never knocked, he looked the other way
a room full of people, screaming and shouting
yet we were alone
it was a cold, rainy night
when my mother believed me
OK, there is no code to crack here. It is not supposed to make sense. This is just what happens if I type out words randomly the moment they flash in my head. And this is what happens if you have been on MC for 3 weeks and get hooked on DVDs.
I am in no mood to start work. The momentum has been permanently disrupted. Luckily June holidays is just round the corner. I need to get lost even more and I can't do that when I am supposed to teach 40 kids. I can't do that when I am 30 and have a boy of 3. Lately, music has been my saving grace but some music reminds me of something or someone or someplace which is not at all pleasant.
Not doing anything is addictive. Until it reaches the point of boredom, that is.
Mornings
Bus rides, uniform, bus stop
walkman, music
goodbye, hello, railings of the interchange
gum, cigarettes
group of funny looking people
empty green land
darkness surrounds
lift, void deck
by the bay
more music and instruments
madness amidst loud, bursting noise
phones calls
much about nothing
slurred converstions
head in the fridge
drunken moments, where the aeroplanes land
a familiar crook of the arm, it fits i suppose
a mother and brother
closed door
she never knocked, he looked the other way
a room full of people, screaming and shouting
yet we were alone
it was a cold, rainy night
when my mother believed me
OK, there is no code to crack here. It is not supposed to make sense. This is just what happens if I type out words randomly the moment they flash in my head. And this is what happens if you have been on MC for 3 weeks and get hooked on DVDs.
I am in no mood to start work. The momentum has been permanently disrupted. Luckily June holidays is just round the corner. I need to get lost even more and I can't do that when I am supposed to teach 40 kids. I can't do that when I am 30 and have a boy of 3. Lately, music has been my saving grace but some music reminds me of something or someone or someplace which is not at all pleasant.
Not doing anything is addictive. Until it reaches the point of boredom, that is.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
The Day I Found out
The moment she read my file and did the first test, the wicked witch started being nice to me, so I sensed trouble.
And she DID say her string of favourite words (Oh it's normal), but this time she used another equally sickening synonym, "You know, it's quite COMMON for women to ......1 in every...blah blah blah" Yah, that made me feel better. I'm so glad to fit right in with the other women. Thank you very much.
As expected, I did shed those tears. And my strategy of bringing irfan kinda worked. I did smile...but i must admit, it was amidst my tears. His silly idea this time was to snug behind some lady's husband and suddenly jumps in front and say "TA-DA". The man took a step back and the look on his face plus Irfan's sneaky face and tiptoeing was worth a lil smile.
As for alim, he's as cool as cucumber as he always is, but I know better than to assume I am the only one upset over this. He has always been my pillar of strength but I know he needs his moment too for this one. Right from the beginning when we first found out, till today, he has been listening to every lil weird analysis of mine. I know whatever i feel, he would too.
A few nights ago, I told him I'm dead bored at home and thought of renting some DVDs and a good book. It was already 10pm when I told him, he gave me a strange look and said he was extremely tired and wanted to sleep. I was a lil pissed coz it is almost never that he dsmiss me that quickly. But I didnt bug him coz the shops were closed anyway.
I woke up the next morning, at 8am and saw a sweet lil card and a small paperbag in front of the T.V in my room. I opened the bag and saw two sets of DVD series. How did he do it? Did he snug out at night? Which shop was opened? I saw the receipt and checked the time, apparently it was yesterday afternoon. Meaning he rented them even before I told him I wanted to rent them. It was a nice surprise and I'm always amazed at how thoughtful he is and how well he knew me. He knew what I had wanted even before I knew them. Strange.
He is always, always there for me, comforting me, but this time, I know he needs me too.
Actually, I've been over and over this scene in my head many times. What the wicked witch will say, how I will react...but i still feel the way I feel. She hands me a pamphlet and said, "read it when you are less emotional" and went on to talk about what are the possible complications from here on, and what medication she's giving me and what to do next. I wasnt really listening. My eyes rested on the pamphlet and all I saw was the title of the pamphlet which was staring right back at me.
When she told me, I don't feel like the whole world was crashing onto me, that would be too dramatic. Yes, I was totally upset when she told me but I also know for a fact, this is for the best. I don't really like to question the why , coz reasons can never be conclusive and there is never a good reason to explain what's written out there. The mind is too limited to understand his decisions and I've always known that.
And I know, things could have been worst,some others have it even harder.
But I like a good grieving, I like a good, satisfying cry, to ease away the lump that keeps building up in my throat.
So now, all I have is one picture and the cross which reminds me that this is just not a story I made up in my lil, crazy head.
I would want to look at them one day and not feel that lump in my throat.
But that day is not now.
Coz I'm not ready. Not just yet.
The moment she read my file and did the first test, the wicked witch started being nice to me, so I sensed trouble.
And she DID say her string of favourite words (Oh it's normal), but this time she used another equally sickening synonym, "You know, it's quite COMMON for women to ......1 in every...blah blah blah" Yah, that made me feel better. I'm so glad to fit right in with the other women. Thank you very much.
As expected, I did shed those tears. And my strategy of bringing irfan kinda worked. I did smile...but i must admit, it was amidst my tears. His silly idea this time was to snug behind some lady's husband and suddenly jumps in front and say "TA-DA". The man took a step back and the look on his face plus Irfan's sneaky face and tiptoeing was worth a lil smile.
As for alim, he's as cool as cucumber as he always is, but I know better than to assume I am the only one upset over this. He has always been my pillar of strength but I know he needs his moment too for this one. Right from the beginning when we first found out, till today, he has been listening to every lil weird analysis of mine. I know whatever i feel, he would too.
A few nights ago, I told him I'm dead bored at home and thought of renting some DVDs and a good book. It was already 10pm when I told him, he gave me a strange look and said he was extremely tired and wanted to sleep. I was a lil pissed coz it is almost never that he dsmiss me that quickly. But I didnt bug him coz the shops were closed anyway.
I woke up the next morning, at 8am and saw a sweet lil card and a small paperbag in front of the T.V in my room. I opened the bag and saw two sets of DVD series. How did he do it? Did he snug out at night? Which shop was opened? I saw the receipt and checked the time, apparently it was yesterday afternoon. Meaning he rented them even before I told him I wanted to rent them. It was a nice surprise and I'm always amazed at how thoughtful he is and how well he knew me. He knew what I had wanted even before I knew them. Strange.
He is always, always there for me, comforting me, but this time, I know he needs me too.
Actually, I've been over and over this scene in my head many times. What the wicked witch will say, how I will react...but i still feel the way I feel. She hands me a pamphlet and said, "read it when you are less emotional" and went on to talk about what are the possible complications from here on, and what medication she's giving me and what to do next. I wasnt really listening. My eyes rested on the pamphlet and all I saw was the title of the pamphlet which was staring right back at me.
When she told me, I don't feel like the whole world was crashing onto me, that would be too dramatic. Yes, I was totally upset when she told me but I also know for a fact, this is for the best. I don't really like to question the why , coz reasons can never be conclusive and there is never a good reason to explain what's written out there. The mind is too limited to understand his decisions and I've always known that.
And I know, things could have been worst,some others have it even harder.
But I like a good grieving, I like a good, satisfying cry, to ease away the lump that keeps building up in my throat.
So now, all I have is one picture and the cross which reminds me that this is just not a story I made up in my lil, crazy head.
I would want to look at them one day and not feel that lump in my throat.
But that day is not now.
Coz I'm not ready. Not just yet.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
it'3.20pm. In another hour, Im going to see that grumpy,wicked witch of the west, lokek MC lady again. The last time I saw her was 3 years ago.
And I'm dying to hear her overused "Oh, it's normal" phrase again. The other time it was irratating coz it seemed like she was trivialising evry lil problem I had.
But this time, Im just dying to hear her say it to me.
But, I doubt it. There's nothing normal about what Ive experienced so far. When things were normal, I was already a crazy worry-wart. Can you imagine how I am now?
As usual I have a list of fears. Not knowing is scary but you know, that few minutes and seconds to finding out, is even way scarier.
I don't know if I am going to be sent home today again and told the same thing as the other 2 people in white coats. Or am I going through a battery of tests to find out what's wrong with me. Some of the tests are not exactly comfortable and i don't think the wicked witch will be so kind to give an option to not take the test and I dunt think she will comfort me when I shed those tears. And I somehow know at some point, I WILL shed those tears. Not because of bad news I hope. I blame it on the hormones.
I want to find out, but I hate some of the tests. Maybe what I really need is a big scolding from that wicked witch to just do it.
So anyway, Im bringing irfan with me. I need someone to cheer me up, and he always does say something silly to crack me up or make me smile. Either that, or I will be busy scolding and chasing him, which hopefullly will put my mind off the worrying while waiting.
So im off now. And all i can think of now is the green lady in my dream.
And I'm dying to hear her overused "Oh, it's normal" phrase again. The other time it was irratating coz it seemed like she was trivialising evry lil problem I had.
But this time, Im just dying to hear her say it to me.
But, I doubt it. There's nothing normal about what Ive experienced so far. When things were normal, I was already a crazy worry-wart. Can you imagine how I am now?
As usual I have a list of fears. Not knowing is scary but you know, that few minutes and seconds to finding out, is even way scarier.
I don't know if I am going to be sent home today again and told the same thing as the other 2 people in white coats. Or am I going through a battery of tests to find out what's wrong with me. Some of the tests are not exactly comfortable and i don't think the wicked witch will be so kind to give an option to not take the test and I dunt think she will comfort me when I shed those tears. And I somehow know at some point, I WILL shed those tears. Not because of bad news I hope. I blame it on the hormones.
I want to find out, but I hate some of the tests. Maybe what I really need is a big scolding from that wicked witch to just do it.
So anyway, Im bringing irfan with me. I need someone to cheer me up, and he always does say something silly to crack me up or make me smile. Either that, or I will be busy scolding and chasing him, which hopefullly will put my mind off the worrying while waiting.
So im off now. And all i can think of now is the green lady in my dream.
Friday, April 04, 2008
I must admit, with all that is happening, Ive neglected Irfan a lil these days.
The past few days, when he gets back from school,( I know he is back because I would hear, "Assamuaikumm! Dah balik. IBUUU!!" ) he'll look for me, pops into the room,"what r u doing, Ibu" sees me lying down, smiles, jumps on the bed and initiate to engage me in one of his play ideas. Honestly, I am really not in the mood and so I layan him in a very malas sort of way, and luckily he gets it, lingers for a while and realizes Im not up to it. He pitter patter to the living room and plays on his own. soon after, he pops in again and checks if Im up to it now. When out of guilt, I show some sort of enthusiasm, he starts getting excited and pulls my hand to go out, "Ibu, come, come, play with me" or offer me one of his toys while he holds on to his favourite one.
And when I refuse, he'd pester for a bit longer and when he realizes Im serious, he plays on his own again. Somehow he knows not to bug me after that.
The first day, when this happened, I actually explained to him that I was not well. "Ibu sakit, I can't play with you" He replied "Where?" I pointed to my tummy. He went out and came back with my mum's minyak, clumsily opened it, dipped his whole finger in and plops it on my tummy, and started to rub my tummy in circular motion.
Unfortunately I had to stop him coz, he wasnt exactly doing it gently.
And I'm not sure what minyak he took, but with the amount he put on my tummy, it was super hot, felt like my skin was going to be burnt!
But he made me smile. And the next day, I told him Im not up to playing coz Im tired. I suppose that is one excuse he is used to, and so he didnt argue with that.
On Wednesday, I even forgot that he had water play in school and I didnt put him in his swimming attire. When he came back, his uniform was all dirty. I assumed he wanted to join in the water play and dirtied his uniform.
I never forget about his water play days coz I know he looks forward to it, but I did on wednesday.
And last night, while I was opening the fridge, I saw Irfan's circular on International Friendship Day which the school celebrates today.( I normally paste his circulars on the fridge coz I do have short term memory) He is supposed to dress in costume of other cultures and to bring a present for another friend coz there will be an exchange of gifts or something like that.
I totally forgot all about that and it was almost 9pm when I realized.
I digged his wardrobe and took out whatever that looked like costumes from other cultures. And my mum suggested he wore this
Arab Sesat
Tak sia sia, nenek belikan time pegi Haji. Pakai jugak.
It was already 9pm and so I said bolehlah. Although the headgear and jubah really tak kena coz it was supposed to be worn with long white jubah with long sleeve. But as you can see, he seems happy in it and posing posing lagi. Of course, we all had to boost his ego a lil and said something like "wah irfan lawa" "very nice" and he was smiling from ear to ear.
later at night, I asked alim if he thinks any of irfan's friend would laugh at him coz he does look kinda silly in that headgear. And Im just worried he'd be sad if his friends were to tease him.
As for the present, I digged my overloaded cupboard and lo and behold, found an extra children's day gift I bought for my students from last year. So that settles it.
The next morning, my mum and I dressed Irfan. He was super excited and seemed thrlled to be wearing the headgear. Just as he was about to leave, he walked to the mirror to look at himself for the first time. Upon seeing his reflection, he removed the headgear and said " I don't want" My mum insisted he wore it coz after all, it's her idea. "Lawa irfan, lawa...nanti teacher cakap lawa,". Irfan said "I don't WANT. Not nice" (tak sangka,kecik kecik pun tau fashion jugak!)
Kesian my mum, all her effort, pakaikan headgear tu. So he left without the headgear and instead, he wore a songkok haji. In the end, entah apa culture yang dia pakai.
My mum was sorely disappointed. She packed the headgear in a plastic bag in the hope that Irfan will change his mind later. She told the van driver to give the headgear to the teacher in case she wants to take a picture of him in it.
Itulah kisah...
Anyway, today I will pick myself up. No matter if it continues.
Being positive doesn't come naturally to me.
But I'll try.
The past few days, when he gets back from school,( I know he is back because I would hear, "Assamuaikumm! Dah balik. IBUUU!!" ) he'll look for me, pops into the room,"what r u doing, Ibu" sees me lying down, smiles, jumps on the bed and initiate to engage me in one of his play ideas. Honestly, I am really not in the mood and so I layan him in a very malas sort of way, and luckily he gets it, lingers for a while and realizes Im not up to it. He pitter patter to the living room and plays on his own. soon after, he pops in again and checks if Im up to it now. When out of guilt, I show some sort of enthusiasm, he starts getting excited and pulls my hand to go out, "Ibu, come, come, play with me" or offer me one of his toys while he holds on to his favourite one.
And when I refuse, he'd pester for a bit longer and when he realizes Im serious, he plays on his own again. Somehow he knows not to bug me after that.
The first day, when this happened, I actually explained to him that I was not well. "Ibu sakit, I can't play with you" He replied "Where?" I pointed to my tummy. He went out and came back with my mum's minyak, clumsily opened it, dipped his whole finger in and plops it on my tummy, and started to rub my tummy in circular motion.
Unfortunately I had to stop him coz, he wasnt exactly doing it gently.
And I'm not sure what minyak he took, but with the amount he put on my tummy, it was super hot, felt like my skin was going to be burnt!
But he made me smile. And the next day, I told him Im not up to playing coz Im tired. I suppose that is one excuse he is used to, and so he didnt argue with that.
On Wednesday, I even forgot that he had water play in school and I didnt put him in his swimming attire. When he came back, his uniform was all dirty. I assumed he wanted to join in the water play and dirtied his uniform.
I never forget about his water play days coz I know he looks forward to it, but I did on wednesday.
And last night, while I was opening the fridge, I saw Irfan's circular on International Friendship Day which the school celebrates today.( I normally paste his circulars on the fridge coz I do have short term memory) He is supposed to dress in costume of other cultures and to bring a present for another friend coz there will be an exchange of gifts or something like that.
I totally forgot all about that and it was almost 9pm when I realized.
I digged his wardrobe and took out whatever that looked like costumes from other cultures. And my mum suggested he wore this
Arab Sesat
Tak sia sia, nenek belikan time pegi Haji. Pakai jugak.
It was already 9pm and so I said bolehlah. Although the headgear and jubah really tak kena coz it was supposed to be worn with long white jubah with long sleeve. But as you can see, he seems happy in it and posing posing lagi. Of course, we all had to boost his ego a lil and said something like "wah irfan lawa" "very nice" and he was smiling from ear to ear.
later at night, I asked alim if he thinks any of irfan's friend would laugh at him coz he does look kinda silly in that headgear. And Im just worried he'd be sad if his friends were to tease him.
As for the present, I digged my overloaded cupboard and lo and behold, found an extra children's day gift I bought for my students from last year. So that settles it.
The next morning, my mum and I dressed Irfan. He was super excited and seemed thrlled to be wearing the headgear. Just as he was about to leave, he walked to the mirror to look at himself for the first time. Upon seeing his reflection, he removed the headgear and said " I don't want" My mum insisted he wore it coz after all, it's her idea. "Lawa irfan, lawa...nanti teacher cakap lawa,". Irfan said "I don't WANT. Not nice" (tak sangka,kecik kecik pun tau fashion jugak!)
Kesian my mum, all her effort, pakaikan headgear tu. So he left without the headgear and instead, he wore a songkok haji. In the end, entah apa culture yang dia pakai.
My mum was sorely disappointed. She packed the headgear in a plastic bag in the hope that Irfan will change his mind later. She told the van driver to give the headgear to the teacher in case she wants to take a picture of him in it.
Itulah kisah...
Anyway, today I will pick myself up. No matter if it continues.
Being positive doesn't come naturally to me.
But I'll try.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Being too happy always scares me.
Yes, Im crazy like that.
This is one of those nonsensical emotional entries that is sappy, boring and blah blah.
Since young, Im always told when something bad happens, it's coz Im too happy.
"Tu lah, happy happy sangat, kan ..."
Maybe that's why I dont display emotions much coz somewhere in my head, the opposite will happen.
Right now,a week ago, I was over the moon.Excited and happy.
And now, Im fearing that the opposite will happen. I have cause to worry, it's not in my head. Sometimes it is , but not today.
So I sat there and waited.
But looks like I have to wait for another week.
I sat there and thought about all the possibilities.
And scare myself even more. I think that actually comforts me.
Ok you don't have to understand.
It's here to remind me about a fear which is so real.
I'm normally good at hiding things, but not this fear today.
So many people saw it, and i couldnt hide it.
I was openly vulnerable.
Im not used to that.
Yes, Im crazy like that.
This is one of those nonsensical emotional entries that is sappy, boring and blah blah.
Since young, Im always told when something bad happens, it's coz Im too happy.
"Tu lah, happy happy sangat, kan ..."
Maybe that's why I dont display emotions much coz somewhere in my head, the opposite will happen.
Right now,a week ago, I was over the moon.Excited and happy.
And now, Im fearing that the opposite will happen. I have cause to worry, it's not in my head. Sometimes it is , but not today.
So I sat there and waited.
But looks like I have to wait for another week.
I sat there and thought about all the possibilities.
And scare myself even more. I think that actually comforts me.
Ok you don't have to understand.
It's here to remind me about a fear which is so real.
I'm normally good at hiding things, but not this fear today.
So many people saw it, and i couldnt hide it.
I was openly vulnerable.
Im not used to that.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
So if you are a two year, strapped in your car seat for 2 hours on a trip to Malaysia, what would you do?
To ease his boredom, that strap has been used as many things. I've seen him pretending that it was a fishing rod.."Ibu, Irfan fish...WAhh..many fish!!" Looking down and pointing below.
And now, after getting sick of fishing, apparently the rod has turned into an elephant's nose.
The other day, he found a long flattened box, stood on it and said he was skateboarding...another time, he took a piece of tissue, clumsily stuck it behind his neck and T-shrt, stretched his right arm, slided across the room and screamed, "Supermaaan !"
That reminds me...Kids are all imaginative and creative, one reason I enjoy teaching primary school is precisely because of that..they are just so refreshing and genuine.They see things which I can't.
sometimes I wonder how it can be further strengthened and developed. Does the classroom environment in our schools allow their creativity to grow or force it to come to a complete halt? Lower primary education has definitely changed a lot here, to encourage creativity and experiential learning. But what about upper primary, especially when PSLE looms closer? And for me, how do I encourage creativity in my classroom without compromising their exam results?
Definitely, the education landscape here is placing greater importance on creativity and problem solving skills as opposed to route learning, memory work and a one size fits all method. We are beginning to realize that these are important traits for the newer generation who will make up the future workforce and the changing demands of the economy.
For Irfan, allowing his creativity and imagination to run free, would sometimes mean having the house turned upside down as we give him space to experiment. Most times, im always tempted to blow up and ask him to 'put back the cushion', 'stop messing up the tissue' and 'sit down and be quiet' or even hand him his favourite DVD so that he would sit still, glued to the DVD for hours... Especially when it is 10pm and my eyes just can't open anymore. Teaching him to clean up after making all the mess, does help a lot but that depends on his mood and most times it takes him forver to clean up..and at 10pm weekday, I really have no patience to wait. Whenever alim and I are doing our work at night, we hand him a colouring book and some crayons, envisioning him sitting down quietly and colouring the picture quietly and carefully. But that never happens, of course.
Instead, he would pour out all his crayons all over the floor, take one crayon, make some markings here and there, scribble a little and barely 30 seconds, "Finish!" Either he runs off, leaving all the mess on the floor or pull our hands and gives us a set of instructions to follow, "Ayah, come. Sit here, play car. Ayah nyer(hands him one car), Irfan nyer (takes one car)..plaY NOW!"
I'm still waiting for the time when he can sit down quietly to colour. Take one colour pencil from the box, colour, put it back and take another. Im still waiting for that day. Im also waiting for the day when he can clean up all his toys without being asked a zillion times...clean up all at one shot instead of pausing in between to play with his car a while..to lie down and play with his hands lah....this and that. Basically Im waiting for the day when he can sit still for a longer period and not be ALL OVER, darting around...here and there, everywhere...u know what I mean?...bila agaknyer eh? 5 years old maybe?
Or maybe...the makcik makcik are right after all...Irfan really needs a "friend".
To ease his boredom, that strap has been used as many things. I've seen him pretending that it was a fishing rod.."Ibu, Irfan fish...WAhh..many fish!!" Looking down and pointing below.
And now, after getting sick of fishing, apparently the rod has turned into an elephant's nose.
The other day, he found a long flattened box, stood on it and said he was skateboarding...another time, he took a piece of tissue, clumsily stuck it behind his neck and T-shrt, stretched his right arm, slided across the room and screamed, "Supermaaan !"
That reminds me...Kids are all imaginative and creative, one reason I enjoy teaching primary school is precisely because of that..they are just so refreshing and genuine.They see things which I can't.
sometimes I wonder how it can be further strengthened and developed. Does the classroom environment in our schools allow their creativity to grow or force it to come to a complete halt? Lower primary education has definitely changed a lot here, to encourage creativity and experiential learning. But what about upper primary, especially when PSLE looms closer? And for me, how do I encourage creativity in my classroom without compromising their exam results?
Definitely, the education landscape here is placing greater importance on creativity and problem solving skills as opposed to route learning, memory work and a one size fits all method. We are beginning to realize that these are important traits for the newer generation who will make up the future workforce and the changing demands of the economy.
For Irfan, allowing his creativity and imagination to run free, would sometimes mean having the house turned upside down as we give him space to experiment. Most times, im always tempted to blow up and ask him to 'put back the cushion', 'stop messing up the tissue' and 'sit down and be quiet' or even hand him his favourite DVD so that he would sit still, glued to the DVD for hours... Especially when it is 10pm and my eyes just can't open anymore. Teaching him to clean up after making all the mess, does help a lot but that depends on his mood and most times it takes him forver to clean up..and at 10pm weekday, I really have no patience to wait. Whenever alim and I are doing our work at night, we hand him a colouring book and some crayons, envisioning him sitting down quietly and colouring the picture quietly and carefully. But that never happens, of course.
Instead, he would pour out all his crayons all over the floor, take one crayon, make some markings here and there, scribble a little and barely 30 seconds, "Finish!" Either he runs off, leaving all the mess on the floor or pull our hands and gives us a set of instructions to follow, "Ayah, come. Sit here, play car. Ayah nyer(hands him one car), Irfan nyer (takes one car)..plaY NOW!"
I'm still waiting for the time when he can sit down quietly to colour. Take one colour pencil from the box, colour, put it back and take another. Im still waiting for that day. Im also waiting for the day when he can clean up all his toys without being asked a zillion times...clean up all at one shot instead of pausing in between to play with his car a while..to lie down and play with his hands lah....this and that. Basically Im waiting for the day when he can sit still for a longer period and not be ALL OVER, darting around...here and there, everywhere...u know what I mean?...bila agaknyer eh? 5 years old maybe?
Or maybe...the makcik makcik are right after all...Irfan really needs a "friend".
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Short break
We didnt do much at Desaru over the March break. It was raining most of the time, coupled with some hot sun in between. It was just perfect to stay in bed and sleep all day, with the sound of the waves lulling you to zzzland. But having a two year old full of energy, makes that a lil harder to do...
so whenever we spot Mr Sun coming out, we went downstairs so that irfan could burn all that energy without turning the hotel room upside down...
As usual some pictures of us...what else...
He played with sand...berejam rejam..batang hidung castle pun tak nampak...
playground...
When it rained, he'd be in the kids playroom...luckily it was spacious..
I dunno why he'd always end up meeting girls instead of boys his age...
But boys will be boys...these are really the highlights of his trip...
Watching some abang play PSP..."Irfan play? ...can?can?..." I doubt he knows how to manipulate the buttons...and anyway, the abang didnt even budge from his seat like forever...
Kicking the ball up and down, up and down the area...goood..at least I can rest and enjoy the waves...
But the real highlight of the whole trip for him was....riding on THOMAS the train!!!!
Of course, he didnt care that this THOMAS wasnt even a train in the first place..it had wheels..and it goes on sand...and plus his face was a bit disfigured...
He didnt mind a bit.
Unfortunately, it was raining heavily and apparently Thomas doesnt go when it rains...
"Wait! Rain stop" he insisted we wait beside Thomas till the rain stops...but alim n I would rather wait in our room, on the comfy bed, with the nice rain sumoree...so we dragged him up...
and that explains this face...
Merajuk...
But soon, the SUN came out and we finally managed to ride on Thomas...
Muka ada senyum...
All the way muka dia macam gini...
haiz..posing lain tada ka??
back to school on monday for all three of us...HAIZZZZ......
We didnt do much at Desaru over the March break. It was raining most of the time, coupled with some hot sun in between. It was just perfect to stay in bed and sleep all day, with the sound of the waves lulling you to zzzland. But having a two year old full of energy, makes that a lil harder to do...
so whenever we spot Mr Sun coming out, we went downstairs so that irfan could burn all that energy without turning the hotel room upside down...
As usual some pictures of us...what else...
He played with sand...berejam rejam..batang hidung castle pun tak nampak...
playground...
When it rained, he'd be in the kids playroom...luckily it was spacious..
I dunno why he'd always end up meeting girls instead of boys his age...
But boys will be boys...these are really the highlights of his trip...
Watching some abang play PSP..."Irfan play? ...can?can?..." I doubt he knows how to manipulate the buttons...and anyway, the abang didnt even budge from his seat like forever...
Kicking the ball up and down, up and down the area...goood..at least I can rest and enjoy the waves...
But the real highlight of the whole trip for him was....riding on THOMAS the train!!!!
Of course, he didnt care that this THOMAS wasnt even a train in the first place..it had wheels..and it goes on sand...and plus his face was a bit disfigured...
He didnt mind a bit.
Unfortunately, it was raining heavily and apparently Thomas doesnt go when it rains...
"Wait! Rain stop" he insisted we wait beside Thomas till the rain stops...but alim n I would rather wait in our room, on the comfy bed, with the nice rain sumoree...so we dragged him up...
and that explains this face...
Merajuk...
But soon, the SUN came out and we finally managed to ride on Thomas...
Muka ada senyum...
All the way muka dia macam gini...
haiz..posing lain tada ka??
back to school on monday for all three of us...HAIZZZZ......
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Puncak, December 2007
Basi pictures of last year's trip to Jakarta and Puncak.
Sigh, I really need to get away for a short trip somewhere.....
More pics here..
Basi pictures of last year's trip to Jakarta and Puncak.
Sigh, I really need to get away for a short trip somewhere.....
More pics here..
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Irfan's first school excursion to Kampong Glam
One thing I like about Irfan's school is that they have a monthly school outing based on the theme. So for february, their theme was culture. And for his first ever school excursion, he went to Kampong Glam. Unfortunately, due to work I could not be there with him. Im still very sore about it and the best I could do was to send my mum with him, armed with her new digital camera.
At first, i was thinking how weird it will be to bring lil kids to kampong glam of all places. I mean, would they really enjoy it? Isnt it a bit too 'cultured' for lil squirming, hyper kids?!
But by looking at the pics and my mum's feedback, the kids seemed to have enjoyed the trip and there were some activities lined up for them.
Irfan and I viewed the pics together at my computer and he narrated to me some parts of his trip. of course not in complete sentences but enough for me to have an idea of what he went through. When asked where he went, he answered "kampong". Good enough, I thought. At least he understood something!
Some pics from the trip:) Wish I was there!!! But I suppose, if I was there, it won't be an authentic school excursion for him. (futile attempt at trying to make myself feel better)
The pics, as narrated by Irfan
"irfan take bus, abang hold hand"
(I think they are still in school, lining up to board the bus)
"Throw, catch, then throw, catch"
(Irfan's version of how to play batu selembat)
"Kick!"
(Irfan's version of chapteh)
"Put in"
(Irfan's version of congkak)
For this, he had no words to describe, instead he started doing his version of Tarian Melayu moves(which is nothing like tarian Melayu at all!) in front of me.
More tarian melayu moves
"Irfan fren"
"kakak"
His current favourite pose. At last, he could manipulate these 2 fingers to form the peace sign.
So next month, the theme would be Nature and Irfan will be going to Sungei Buloh.
MC for me?
One thing I like about Irfan's school is that they have a monthly school outing based on the theme. So for february, their theme was culture. And for his first ever school excursion, he went to Kampong Glam. Unfortunately, due to work I could not be there with him. Im still very sore about it and the best I could do was to send my mum with him, armed with her new digital camera.
At first, i was thinking how weird it will be to bring lil kids to kampong glam of all places. I mean, would they really enjoy it? Isnt it a bit too 'cultured' for lil squirming, hyper kids?!
But by looking at the pics and my mum's feedback, the kids seemed to have enjoyed the trip and there were some activities lined up for them.
Irfan and I viewed the pics together at my computer and he narrated to me some parts of his trip. of course not in complete sentences but enough for me to have an idea of what he went through. When asked where he went, he answered "kampong". Good enough, I thought. At least he understood something!
Some pics from the trip:) Wish I was there!!! But I suppose, if I was there, it won't be an authentic school excursion for him. (futile attempt at trying to make myself feel better)
The pics, as narrated by Irfan
"irfan take bus, abang hold hand"
(I think they are still in school, lining up to board the bus)
"Throw, catch, then throw, catch"
(Irfan's version of how to play batu selembat)
"Kick!"
(Irfan's version of chapteh)
"Put in"
(Irfan's version of congkak)
For this, he had no words to describe, instead he started doing his version of Tarian Melayu moves(which is nothing like tarian Melayu at all!) in front of me.
More tarian melayu moves
"Irfan fren"
"kakak"
His current favourite pose. At last, he could manipulate these 2 fingers to form the peace sign.
So next month, the theme would be Nature and Irfan will be going to Sungei Buloh.
MC for me?
Saturday, February 16, 2008
The end of the long road
I wonder how I would be like when I grow old.
I wonder how my parents would be as they approach the next few laps of their lives. They are entering a vulnerable stage and I am starting to worry.
Right now, my grandparents are at that stage; the final lap of their existance and they are holding on. I realize no matter how independent and financially sufficient you are, when you are lying on the hospital bed, unable to move, your kids are your only hope. They become your hands,your feet and your voice.
In other words, your fate is in their hands.
I have four sets of grandparents. Its a long story but to cut it short, my grandparents from both sides divorced at some point in their lives and remarried. My parents remained close to their original set of parents as well as their stepmother/father.
One set of grandparents has long passed and Im left with 2 complete sets (2 grandmas and 2 grandpas) and 1 grandma.
Out of the 5, 2 of them are bedridden, 1 has tumour, 1 has just undergone surgery and the other one is as healthy as an 80 sumthing can get.
To me, it seemed like it all happened at a snap of a finger, suddenly one by one they succumbed to their aging bodies and failing organs. One moment they are healthy and then suddenly, something happened; a fall, a stroke, a blood clot and then, everything starts to fail and they are just not who they seemed anymore.
Both my grandad are bedridden now. One has alzheimers and another has parkinsons, amongst other things. Their legs have not touched the ground since many months back, they lay in bed and are being fed and clothed. Both can barely speak. Their bodies seemed empty. They seemed distant. My sis has taken one of them under her care. Why my sis? It's a veryy long story.
On a day to day basis, maids are taking care of them. Why? Kids have to work. Why? Because everyone has to work here in sunny island singapore because if not, we cant keep up with the handphones, aircon, cable tv, internet subscription, education, tuition etc... Those who are not working have to take care of their grandkids whose parents are working. It is just how it is, and blame should never be spoken of. It's just how best you make of the situation.
My parents are not having an easy time coping with all of their parents falling sick all at the same time. Things are bound to get messy between siblings as they decide who should take care of who and who should do what. Things get complicated as the decisions varies, expectations differs and especially when negative feelings are involved.
There is a very long story behind each of them. It's complicated. It's messy.
Like I said, their fate depends on their kids' hands. How well have you brought them up? I think, this is the true test.
I try to see them as much as I can. And each time, I wonder how we will all end up. Sometimes, honestly, I dont really want to see them because the sadness is unbearable. Seeing them lying there, so old and helpless, makes you remember the lil things they have done for you, when they were walking and talking and you say to yourself, "It felt just like yesterday..." and how they lookd so different now.
And how the world doesnt even stop for them.
My grandma has tumour growing on her face. The growth is the size of your palm. It is growing on her left cheek. Her left cheek has been removed totally and it is covered with just skin from her thighs. She sees everything, she feels everything. Day to day she lives with the feeling that she is not normal, that she is sick, that she is suffering. I can only imagine.
That is a different ball game altogether. She is talking, moving and speaks her mind and she has a lot to say. Sometimes I dont know which one is easier to care; a talking, walking grandma or a bedridden one. They come with a whole set of challenges.
Love is the only thing that can make anyone so patient.
It is not easy taking care of any elderly. I have always known that but now I really know for sure. having seen the struggles, the squabbles and all else that comes in between. It cannot be perfect and someone will always be judging you, but at the end of the day, keeping the last few years of the elderly's life as comfortable as you can, should be our only priority.
Their bodies might look empty, coz no voice come from them, but Im sure they can feel, they know and they hope. Once in a while, we see tears in my grandad's eyes. It might just be a physical response but we take that for something.
Looking at one grandparent falling sick is unbearable. But seeing 3 grandparents going through this stage of their lives all at the same time, is just not easy. It makes you wonder about a lot of things. You can't run away from the fact that you are going to be dependent on your kid one point in your life; if you happen to live long enough.
Would they see you as a burden? Would they leave you somewhere convenient? Would you be the cause of your kids falling out with one another? Would they pass you around? Would they be calculative?
I go on with my life everyday.... But at times, at some sudden moments, I feel guilty for not letting my world stop for them.
There goes...another depressing entry from me.
Once in a while, I guess I find this necessary.
I wonder how I would be like when I grow old.
I wonder how my parents would be as they approach the next few laps of their lives. They are entering a vulnerable stage and I am starting to worry.
Right now, my grandparents are at that stage; the final lap of their existance and they are holding on. I realize no matter how independent and financially sufficient you are, when you are lying on the hospital bed, unable to move, your kids are your only hope. They become your hands,your feet and your voice.
In other words, your fate is in their hands.
I have four sets of grandparents. Its a long story but to cut it short, my grandparents from both sides divorced at some point in their lives and remarried. My parents remained close to their original set of parents as well as their stepmother/father.
One set of grandparents has long passed and Im left with 2 complete sets (2 grandmas and 2 grandpas) and 1 grandma.
Out of the 5, 2 of them are bedridden, 1 has tumour, 1 has just undergone surgery and the other one is as healthy as an 80 sumthing can get.
To me, it seemed like it all happened at a snap of a finger, suddenly one by one they succumbed to their aging bodies and failing organs. One moment they are healthy and then suddenly, something happened; a fall, a stroke, a blood clot and then, everything starts to fail and they are just not who they seemed anymore.
Both my grandad are bedridden now. One has alzheimers and another has parkinsons, amongst other things. Their legs have not touched the ground since many months back, they lay in bed and are being fed and clothed. Both can barely speak. Their bodies seemed empty. They seemed distant. My sis has taken one of them under her care. Why my sis? It's a veryy long story.
On a day to day basis, maids are taking care of them. Why? Kids have to work. Why? Because everyone has to work here in sunny island singapore because if not, we cant keep up with the handphones, aircon, cable tv, internet subscription, education, tuition etc... Those who are not working have to take care of their grandkids whose parents are working. It is just how it is, and blame should never be spoken of. It's just how best you make of the situation.
My parents are not having an easy time coping with all of their parents falling sick all at the same time. Things are bound to get messy between siblings as they decide who should take care of who and who should do what. Things get complicated as the decisions varies, expectations differs and especially when negative feelings are involved.
There is a very long story behind each of them. It's complicated. It's messy.
Like I said, their fate depends on their kids' hands. How well have you brought them up? I think, this is the true test.
I try to see them as much as I can. And each time, I wonder how we will all end up. Sometimes, honestly, I dont really want to see them because the sadness is unbearable. Seeing them lying there, so old and helpless, makes you remember the lil things they have done for you, when they were walking and talking and you say to yourself, "It felt just like yesterday..." and how they lookd so different now.
And how the world doesnt even stop for them.
My grandma has tumour growing on her face. The growth is the size of your palm. It is growing on her left cheek. Her left cheek has been removed totally and it is covered with just skin from her thighs. She sees everything, she feels everything. Day to day she lives with the feeling that she is not normal, that she is sick, that she is suffering. I can only imagine.
That is a different ball game altogether. She is talking, moving and speaks her mind and she has a lot to say. Sometimes I dont know which one is easier to care; a talking, walking grandma or a bedridden one. They come with a whole set of challenges.
Love is the only thing that can make anyone so patient.
It is not easy taking care of any elderly. I have always known that but now I really know for sure. having seen the struggles, the squabbles and all else that comes in between. It cannot be perfect and someone will always be judging you, but at the end of the day, keeping the last few years of the elderly's life as comfortable as you can, should be our only priority.
Their bodies might look empty, coz no voice come from them, but Im sure they can feel, they know and they hope. Once in a while, we see tears in my grandad's eyes. It might just be a physical response but we take that for something.
Looking at one grandparent falling sick is unbearable. But seeing 3 grandparents going through this stage of their lives all at the same time, is just not easy. It makes you wonder about a lot of things. You can't run away from the fact that you are going to be dependent on your kid one point in your life; if you happen to live long enough.
Would they see you as a burden? Would they leave you somewhere convenient? Would you be the cause of your kids falling out with one another? Would they pass you around? Would they be calculative?
I go on with my life everyday.... But at times, at some sudden moments, I feel guilty for not letting my world stop for them.
There goes...another depressing entry from me.
Once in a while, I guess I find this necessary.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
This CNY, quality time was spent with the family. We didnt go overseas, just had good rest and good company.
The Beach@Sentosa
We rested at the beach, the kids swam and played with sand.
There's always time for a book!
Doritos for two
Song of the Sea@ Sentosa
We watched songs of the sea. Irfan was awed.
Go Go Bambini@Dempsey
The kids had fun. Surprisingly, the adults did too!
Ben and Jerry's@Dempsey
A game of frisbee@Botanical Gardens
When is the next long break?
The Beach@Sentosa
We rested at the beach, the kids swam and played with sand.
There's always time for a book!
Doritos for two
Song of the Sea@ Sentosa
We watched songs of the sea. Irfan was awed.
Go Go Bambini@Dempsey
The kids had fun. Surprisingly, the adults did too!
Ben and Jerry's@Dempsey
A game of frisbee@Botanical Gardens
When is the next long break?
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