What does raya mean to you?

And so i turned 31 last week.
and someone still bothers to make me feel special dat day, even though birthdays come every year..every year too soon. so thank u, u.
sometimes we run out of ideas as to what to do to celebrate that special day so that the birthday girl/boy's face will light up with excitement. But I say, its the effort that counts and to be surrounded by loved ones is the only thing that matters.

oh but who am i kidding? throw in a coach/ks/gucci bag, and my eyes will light up even morelah of course!! 31 and so materialistic. tsk tsk...but for some unknown reasons, bags make girls happy and as i turned older, strangely, I'sm even more crazy about bags! how weird.

and the other funny thing is, i like to buy them but most times i would use that one very simple bag over and over again. i have to admit im too lazy to keep changing bags and transferring all my rubbish time and time again makes me oh so tired. so the bags I have are mostly kept nicely in their dustbags, and collecting ..err..dust?

anyway, this year, irfan gave me a lil present too, which according to his daddy, irfan carefully picked himself. So what would a lil boy buy for his mommy, u think?
well, not a bag coz i think his 4 year old lil head just cant for the life of him understand how a bag can actually make ppeople happy!!

instead he bought me something from a toy store. of course. (toys make me happy so toys must make my mommy happy too, no?) Its a model Mini, a red one!!!

Why? Coz once, a red mini past us and i told him, "Irfan, look.I like that car..Can u buy for me when u grow up?" And then from then on, everytime we passed a red mini, he would say," Ibu, look... your favourite car!!!Ok, later I buy for u ok?"

I guess everyone has a dream car and mine is a red Mini. Its small, its not practical, expensive.. but i have always been fond of it. and if I could drive, I would probably be crazily itching for one..lucky cant drive...so i just fantasise and tell my son abt it..
Irfan's dream car is a Golf GTI (largely influenced by alim, of coz) which he claims can go faster than mine anytime.

Anyway, when he gave it to me, all wrapped in a preety pink wrapper, he was more excited than i was. Quick, ibu open it! MUka light up habis, kalah lampu lap lep...and when i was too slow, he helped me rip it open.

So...i ended up with a model Mini, remote control no less...well, its no gucci or lv, but I must say it has to be one of the best gift ever!:)

Ok till later, the house is in a mess and i think its time i move my lazy 31 year old butt and do something worthwhile for a change !:)

yea eleh...tu pun nak malu....

had a shitty and looong first 3 days.

theres a type of people i dunt like working with.
It is the calculative type.
when i meet them, i just hope they tell me the truth and say they dont want to do the job. i just need them to be honest with me.
i really dont care if they dont want to do the work coz i've always liked doing things myself anyway.

the worst kind is the kind that is calculative and love to complain. and they complain behind your back. dont want to do, just say can? dont keep quiet and then complain and complain to other people. just come to me and say "i dont think I can do it" or if being honest is difficult, just come to me and lie for all I care,for example; "I am dying and in between me busy dying, i really have no time to undertake the tasks." I really dont mind. Just tell me that you dont want to do it. Thats all im asking for. I welcome honesty.

Coz its not fair if you do things half hearted. its not fair if you do the tasks for ME, or coz I ask you to do it. Its not fair to who? Its not fair to the students!
Nothing good can come out of doing something which you dont believe in.

Sometimes I wish I can say exactly what I have written above, to the person concerned. But i am not that sort. Its not my personality. I know of some people sitting up there who can. i cant bring myself. Hence, ranting in the blog instead. and more importantly, i know that right now im emotional and if there is one thing ive learnt in my 31 years of life, it would be that, talking when you are emotional is alwayss, always a bad thing.

most times i let it pass, coz i think its not worth my time and energy. and i avoid these kind of people. i suppose in this profession you meet with a lot of people, of different personalities and work styles. It is chllenging and Ive learnt to handle most kinds. honestly, most times i ignore them. Maybe that is not right but i dont like to be sucked into their mentality. Sometimes I hear A complain about B and B complain about A and I just wish they would stop complaining to me coz i dont take sides and i never will. yes i love to hear gossips once in a while but bitching about your own colleagues just makes me uncomfortable. i mean afterall, the next day u will see them and most times you have to work together so ...i just find it rather uncomfortable.

and besides, there is a greater purpose in working. its not about pleasing your bosses or trying to show people how good you are. Its definitely not about who is right and who is wrong and who deserves this and who deserves that. Its not about doing more, doing less. Its always about using your expertise, talents to improve someone's lives; the kids, their families etc...so i really dunt understand why if you have the expertise and talent, you want to ration it. unless you see wht you are doing as solely work. work which has to be completed. and if there is a reason for rationing it, im always open to listen. maybe i need to see a different perspective. everyone is diff and i respect that.

yes im human too. and there are many people out there whom i dunt agree with or whom I am not comfortable working with. and I do get maaadd with some colleagues sometimes. and I go home and vomit all my anger out to the only person who knows everything- alim. everyone needs an outlet and letting it go with someone who doesnt know the person u r talking about is the best. at least for me. and the best thing about talking to alim is, he will hear me out, say what i needed to hear but he remains civil and nice to the person i complained about. he can listen without getting sucked into all the drama. he is the last person to say, "ok who u bully u? I would go out and kill him now!" He would never say that and the last thing i need is more drama.

coz most times after I get to vomit out all my anger, I would be ok. and i can face the person again.

there..I feel better already. :)

But my best remedy ever, the one that worked allll the time is going back to these two. No matter how shitty work was, how horrible the situation was, looking at them reminds me not to sweat the small stuff. that things can be simple. that we are just merely passing through a bridge. and all anger just simmer. automatically. :)





I suppose God made all little children cute for a reason. (Yes, even the bald ones;) They are really not easy to look after and can be irritating to bits. But they are such joy. Well...most times. :)

after sunday comes monday.
be good, brown bear.

Alisha Zahra at 3 months

I tend to forget things easily these days so i thought id write about what alisha is doing at 3 months. if we are talking about significant milestone, then she is able to turn over now. but she doesnt know how to turn back. she is beginning to reach for things.
alisha is showing more of her characteristics now. she lovees to laugh and smile and does it all the time. rhe first thing she does when she wakes up is smile. she especially loves it when someone talks to her and loves to be carried. When you talk to her, she will coo back in response.
As much as she loves to smile, she loves to cry too. The moment you are not within her sight, she will start crying. She will start with littles cries and if she is still ignored, she will break into loud piercing screams. Im not kidding. She is very loud in a shrieking kind of way. She likes to be carried upright and sit although her head is still wobbly. her head is always tilted more to the right. i hope that is not a permanent thing.
she cannot be alone for long and crave for attention all the time. she gets bored easily and fusses when she wants to sleep.
in the day she takes very short 30 minute naps. in her waking hours, she doesnt play on her own for long.
she is very attentive and keeps quiet when shown a book, magazine or any other reading material.
She smiles at her brother a lot but she does get angry at him when he irritates her. How do i noe she is angry? When she is irritated and he comes near with his loud mouth and kecoh mannerism, she will open her mouth real big as if she is going to bite him, and then snarl at him. she has done that a couple of times and its only to irfan. Think she has learnt how to fend for herself and she looks like she would grow up to be one no nonsense lady. but maybe not. at 3 months impossible to tell.
At night, she sleeps soundly and only wakes up once. thank god. What else..hmm she enjoys twinkle twinkle little star and will coo to the song every time. she's always mistaken for a boy coz she's bald. even when she is wearing pink from head to toe. doesnt matter if she is wearing a hairband or a dress. even if the dress is pink with flowers.
she loves to be changed and enjoys baths. Basically anything that involve holding and touching her, she will be happy.
Her recent favourite thing is playing with her saliva and making bubbles.

That's all for now. I think i will smuggle her in my bag when i go to school. yes thats the plan.

Keane



the songs at Keane reminded me of a certain someone and the things we've done together. So the best part about the concert is having that certain someone stand close to me and sharing a piece of memory that no one else would know.

depressed mode on. last week. from 4 months down to my last week. i cant believe it. the hardest part about going to work is leaving my routine which i have been comfortable with for the past 4 months. the routine which centers around the baby and irfan is just perfect for me. i sleep while she sleeps, and i even manage to squeeze in dvds and online free video streaming at night coz she sleeps soundly through the night.

i will miss sending irfan downstairs in the morning, i will miss getting a kiss from him in the midst of my stupor before he goes to school and the moment he comes back. and i will miss waking up late and not bathing for a whole day. i miss not having to be anywhere.

and what i will miss most of all is, getting paid for NOT being at work. dream come true.

but all that will change. my wacky sleep pattern will definitely have to be corrected though i am clueless as to how. so i forsee my first day will be about me yanking myself out of bed and then probably tired at school. not only cant my body catch up, i have a strong feeling my mind is going to be running at a much lower RAM than usual. but oh well, i dunt expect to be that way for long, coz school always has a way of giving me a rude shock which forces every single cell in me to pay attention. once you r in school, u have no choice but to work, in full force, no less.

so my crazy frens said we should celebrate my going back to school. i have no idea why we are celebrating such a depressing day but its always good to have great company.

expect more depressing entries till next week. bah!

the much awaited party is over now and the next awaited thing would be Keane concert tomorrow. after that, i forsee things would probably go downhill from there. especially come the 24th, when i step back into reality. haiz..

i must say, i have only one person to thank for the great party- the party planner of coz! when i first engaged her services, i didnt know what to expect. considering her many misadventures; like the creative diaper cake, ambushing people in their homes on their birthdays and many other crazy things..i forsee the party would be colourful. Actually it was her enthusiasm which tells me that the party would be a great one coz she has this 'just do it' manner about her no matter how crazy the idea is. and if things go wrong, she always gets away with it with style...in other words, a total opposite of me, who thinks and worries too much and then does nothing.

so before i know it calls were made to vendors, quotes were given, spreadsheet drawn up and budget done. all waiting for my go. prompt reminders were even given to me, considering she knows me well and how much I love to procrastinate. so in other words i dunt even have to lift my finger, well, except to withdraw cash from the atm and transfer money to vendors:)

the next thing i noe, she had everything ready; the bouncy castle, popcorn, candy floss, ballons, the pretty cake etc etc. i know i will enjoy the party but what surprised me most is that i enjoyed the planning process just as much. yes of course we could have gotten a birthday package where everything is planned for, but where's the fun in that?

discussing the crazy ideas i had, plus the crazy ideas the party planner has and irfan's incoherent ideas- the cheer, the chicken dance- it was just hilarious. getting the last minute stuff, preparing the goody bags, decorating the place; it was an unforgetabble experience indeed. the anticipation and excitement of waiting for the party to happen was fun too. irfan was so excited that he couldnt sleep the night before and he kept talking about the party. and so did the party planner! :)
who knew all that could be pretty exciting.

as for the party itself...sure, there were things which could have gone better. but as far as kids party go, i wouldnt sweat the small stuff. kids parties are how kids parties should be; messy, rowdy, noisy, free play and things not going as planned. and i must say the party planner was pretty daring to go up there n be the mc even if she has never done it before. not everyone is brave enough to do that coz we all know, its always easier to sit back and just give comments.
but of course as the party planner said herself; she sucked! hahahaha.

so our dear rosniaty abu bakar, i just want you to know that you have given one little boy the most memorable 4th birthday party ever! im sure he would remember this for a long long time to come. and he would fondly remember his auntie who was behind everything.
and as a mother, I really cant thank u enough:)

so till the next crazy idea....meanwhile go and practice to be a better mc, will ya!! alisha turns 4 in a few more years, u noe:)

The girl likes to be talked to and the boy just loves to TALK!
He's very happy to have a ready audience. She's always attentive when big brother is talking, smiling happily and cooing in response. Until....he starts smothering her with kisses or grabs her hand too hard, and she will start wailing and kicking him. And he will end up getting scolded. Thhen the whole cycle will repeat itself again. Everyday, this will happen, again and again like a broken record. Haiz...But i cant deny, I love watching them together. Will miss this when I get back to work:(

Here's Irfan trying to teach his adik to say 'Ayah', 'Nenek' and 'Atok' and some other stuff..

Reminder

I know that love is a powerful thing.
It can make me do things which I thought I am not capable of doing.
And everyone knows being loved is a wonderful feeling.
I dunno why he loves me. I dunno how our love was born when we started out as total strangers. i dunno why I love my kids so much, other than the fact that I gave birth to them. The love for them is so immense that my conscious mind thinks I can never live without them.
And yes, I will do anything for them.
Its easy to feel when I have a face to see, a smile to appreciate and a hand to hold.

But knowing that the face i see, the smile i appreciate, the hand i hold and all the love that I ever knew were all created by an even greater power, shouldnt it be much easier to put the greater power above all else? shouldnt my feelings be a million times more? even if the naked eyes cant see? even if my limited hands cant touch?
because this time its true, I can never live without that greater power.

But what have I done for the ultimate love that created all love?
What have I done for the ultimate love that created all love?

Why have I not done enough?
What is stopping me from being consistent?
WHat is stopping me from translating this love into actions?
WHy do I always forget?

When I know at the end of it all, these are the only actions that matter??
when I know this love is the only kind of love that prevails??

So I ask myself again,
What have I done for the ultimate love that created all love???!

Party, concert, CD and that rainy nite.
(basically, nothing important)

August should be kind of interesting. Other than the dreaded fact that id be going back to the madness call work. Theres that gathering for the two kiddos. Im not big on parties and crowd, but the lil boy loves them..i really have no idea where he gets his sociable side from. Anyway, i hope it would be fun for him, coz at four, he already gets this whole birthday party thingy. I have been putting off birthday parties involving more than my immediate family member coz im not sure if he understands it all, and more coz Im kinda lazy to plan them. But now that he's four, i think its the perfect time for a party, where he can help organise, enjoy himself and remember. Coz its a day to remember for him afterall, and not for us parents.

So this time, I have left all the details to that one and only family member who bothers so my job mostly is to keep tabs on budget. And Im intending to involve the lil boy in the planning and preparation for his party coz there's always a good learning experience in that and plus that whole sense of ownership thing. Besides, he does have his opinions on what his party should be like and what to include and exclude. My job is to organise all his messed up thoughts and all-over-the-place ideas.
So we'll see how that will turn out.

Other than that, there's Keane. (which reminds me, I havent bought the tixs). That should be fun, I hope coz im really in need of a good concert. The last concert I went to which left an unforgettable impression was definitely Coldplay.

Speaking of music, Zee Avi has been keeping me company these nights. For now, she's the chosen one for me, cause her voice, the jazzy pop music, the guitar and ukelele is calming and very very simple and clean. No strain in her voice, tunes just seemed to effortlessly roll out from her tongue. And simple is what I need right now. Listening to her probably help me entangle my stubborn mind? Hah! So thanks for the CD.

Other than that, I've been thinking about that night when it rained so hard and the all-too-familiar music came on and I had a vision of something. And then later at night, he told me of the exact same vision he had. How spooky was that? And i was also thinking of that night, when it was dark and crowded and he stopped to wait for me when everyone else just walked on basically coz no one else knew me.

So I say thanks for waiting for me amidst the crowd.
And most times, waiting for my slow mind to come to its senses.
The teen flick dvds Ive been renting have probably messed with my mind again. But this time, its probably what I need.

Nur Irfun-ny

So a few weeks back, Irfan brought home his latest artwork from school.
He came home and plonked this on my lap.




They call it the art potato cause the base is made of potato. They used raisins for eyes and mouth, and carrot for the nose.

So I asked him if his art potato has a name.
He said yes.
So whats his name, I asked.
Twiddling the artwork in his hand,
he replied.....
His name is Nur Potato Nur Chips.

I almost died laughing that day.

And if I could see the thought bubble emerging out from Irfan's lil head, it would probably say this, "Nak sangat semua nama ada 'Nur' kan; amek kau!"

:0

Lovely, lovely rainy morning.
Music, soft sheets and the four of us sprawled on the bed.

RAndom

Counting down the days to the end of my freedom. Give and take, I have slightly more than a month left. I try not to think about it and Im truly enjoying every minute I have with the three of them.
Its also great that Im able to catch up on the music, i missed that a lot. Been meaning to read, but knowing that soon I have to get back to work, Id rather be holding the brown bear than a book.
Ive been eating a lot, constantly hungry and looking for food. Im addicted to durians now, especially those that's just out from the fridge; really cold and smooth. Am i not supposed to be eating durians coz im breastfeeding. Oh Oh, too late now.
Been meaning to do some runs with alim at our always vacant carpark but he has been going and Ive been......well, busy.

Speaking of carpark, the things that take place at our almost secluded carpark can be pretty interesting. It always involves stationary cars with engines on, hazy looking windows, newspaper aligning every gap at the window and some disposed tissues on the floor.... We managed to sneak a peek once in a while but nothing we have seen is as interesting as what we have imagined. Hah!
Ok, moving on...

Here's a thought..what would you do, if you have a pet; say a monkey and there's just this particular trick that you want your monkey to learn but you are just not sure how to teach it. You have told the monkey repeatedly on how to do the trick but he just refuses. So you decide to send it to a professional to learn that trick. But your monkey is unhappy and is reluctant to go. Do you..
1) Tie a leash around the monkey and drag him there?
2) Tell the monkey, its your last dying wish for him to learn the trick?
3) Sogok the monkey; "If you go, I'll supply you with a lifetime of bananas?"
4) Forget about the trick and love the monkey for who he is, coz he is no less of a monkey if he doesnt learn the trick?

Thats a lot of 'monkey' for a short paragraph...anyway what Im trying to say is, sometimes monkeys have to listen to their masters, sometimes their masters just need to take time to listen to their monkeys? Understand? No?
Its not important anyway.

Its only 12 am,,,,theres still hope of me sleeping early tonite.:)
(maybe I should have named this entry Rubbish at 12 am)

Good nite!

Rubbish at 4am

Hello 4am..again!
This time of the morning, Im thinking of a long drive somewhere.
The kind of drive that requires maps and the unknown. I want to go on holidaaayyyyy, how many times must I sayyyyy. :P

WWW is my constant companion this time of morning. With time in my hands, its amazing the people you bump into in this digital world.

Maybe this is not a good idea afterall.

Anyway, i still cant believe the amount of tax I have to pay! and the last line in the tax letter read, "Thank you for contributing to nation building." Arrrghhhh!!

Alisha is babbling a lot. And her voice is as loud as her brother's. If not; louder! OH-OH! Is that my doing??

I spent on something I dunt need----again! Teach me some self-restraint please.But i look forward to going out tomorrow, just coz I want to bring it. Silly, stupid, yes I noe.

When Big Boss calls you and you are on leave, what do you say? -"Im on leave. Dunt disturb me!!!", "Nobody else ah?", "Is this urgent?" Wat???
You know wat I said, "Anything else, just call me" . I should go knock my head against some bricks now.

Irfan is such a good boy when we bring him shopping. He gets out of my way. I mean reaaallly out of my way. I tot I lost him again today.

And dats wat Im thinking about at 4am? Bah!

Rewind

Sometimes when my mind wanders, its surprising where it lands.
Being away from work and having slightly more free time always makes me think about things I shouldnt.

The last thing I have time for is nostalgia.
But it haunts me and the songs dont help.
Sometimes I wonder how I got here, from back in '99 and even before.

Theres just certain things which you can never forget even if you have not visited that memory for many many years.
Sometimes, all of a sudden, u land on a piece of memory and suddenly you can feel, smell and hear everything as if it was happening right now.
You remember every little detail there is; the colour of the wall, the song in the backgound, the clothes you were wearing..
And you recognise yourself all over again.

Truth is, theres just some things you can never forget.
Even if you think you have forgotten about them.

does that make sense at all? No? Its probably just my insomnia talking.

Anyway, on a lighter note,
Happy Birthday to the person I have always turned to all my life and who have always answered my stupid questions.

Sleepless

I cant seem to fall asleep these days. Alim, irfan and alisha are all sound asleep and Im still up, doing unimportant things and thinking about nothing in particular. For the past few weeks Ive been falling asleep at 3am and then I'll be up at 4.30am for alisha's feeding. At 7 am I'll feed her again and at 9am, its time for her to bathe. Surprisingly I dont nap in the afternoon, which means my sleeping hours are all whacked and Im not getting enough sleep. Sometimes I get groggy, but most times Im just in a blur. Breastfeeding and changing of diapers have become like an automatic reflex ; other than that, Id be rocking her to sleep, cuddling her or 'talking' to her. She takes quick napps in the day, 2 hours max and I cant really do much of other things. She doesnt like to be left alone and gets bored easily, which some say is typical of babies her age. So my days pretty much revolves around feeding, changing of diapers and putting her to sleep.

Seriously, Id rather be doing this for a while more. Although, I can feel my brain cells disintegrating on me and my body feels really lethargic from all that sitting down for feeding and rocking her to sleep. I dont feel like going to work yet for now. To get some fresh air and my mind going for a bit, I look forward to going out .with the two kids in tow of course. If I leave them, Ill be thinking about them endlessly, but when we bring them, there's more mess and hassle of course. But we always choose the latter..dunno why. Come to think of it, alisha sleeps longer when we are out and when we put her in the sling. Its the movement i guess. So actually its kinda easier to manage her when we r out. Which is good for my sanity.

The holidays end today and we didnt even get our passports stamped this june. Irfan seemed very contented staying home, glued to the TV, much to my dissatisfaction. But me, Im getting some sort of withdrawal symptoms....travelling is a difficult habit to kick. And this body is programmed to get away every 6 mths. But alisha is too young, and for her good, Ill wait it out. And I really need to curb on that spending anyway. With two kids and ageing parents, we need all the reserves we can get.

OK typing this is making me sleepy which is good, coz i need to sleep. I cant believe typing this is as boring as you reading it now. It cant get more boring then readin about ones sleeping habits, can it?. So i better stop the blabbering now. Maybe I should just stick to posting more pictures accompanied by skimpy words.

Ok goodnite.

Gloom



This photo was taken when we were in Sunshine Coast, Australia.
It's ironic. Theres no sunshine at all in this pic.
It mirrors the way i feel today.

But despite that, the tree stands tall amidst the dark, gloomy clouds.
The leaves will grow. With time they will.
And the grey clouds will subside.

Mugshots of the little brown bear

Brown cub will be turning two mths soon.
she's into a lot of cooing and smiling these days.
This one likes to be held, cuddled and entertained.




Luckily, we have a clown in the house.