Conflicting identities



I guess nuthing is as simple as black and white
Perhaps we are indeed made up of both
An evil mind but one saint heart?
Maybe we all have a lil darth vader and super hero in each of us
Constantly battling and squabbling in our crazy lil head
So tread carefully coz we don't want the wrong side to win all the time.

This is not a poem

Mornings
Bus rides, uniform, bus stop
walkman, music
goodbye, hello, railings of the interchange
gum, cigarettes
group of funny looking people

empty green land
darkness surrounds
lift, void deck
by the bay
more music and instruments
madness amidst loud, bursting noise

phones calls
much about nothing
slurred converstions
head in the fridge
drunken moments, where the aeroplanes land
a familiar crook of the arm, it fits i suppose

a mother and brother
closed door
she never knocked, he looked the other way
a room full of people, screaming and shouting
yet we were alone
it was a cold, rainy night
when my mother believed me

OK, there is no code to crack here. It is not supposed to make sense. This is just what happens if I type out words randomly the moment they flash in my head. And this is what happens if you have been on MC for 3 weeks and get hooked on DVDs.

I am in no mood to start work. The momentum has been permanently disrupted. Luckily June holidays is just round the corner. I need to get lost even more and I can't do that when I am supposed to teach 40 kids. I can't do that when I am 30 and have a boy of 3. Lately, music has been my saving grace but some music reminds me of something or someone or someplace which is not at all pleasant.

Not doing anything is addictive. Until it reaches the point of boredom, that is.

The Day I Found out

The moment she read my file and did the first test, the wicked witch started being nice to me, so I sensed trouble.

And she DID say her string of favourite words (Oh it's normal), but this time she used another equally sickening synonym, "You know, it's quite COMMON for women to ......1 in every...blah blah blah" Yah, that made me feel better. I'm so glad to fit right in with the other women. Thank you very much.

As expected, I did shed those tears. And my strategy of bringing irfan kinda worked. I did smile...but i must admit, it was amidst my tears. His silly idea this time was to snug behind some lady's husband and suddenly jumps in front and say "TA-DA". The man took a step back and the look on his face plus Irfan's sneaky face and tiptoeing was worth a lil smile.

As for alim, he's as cool as cucumber as he always is, but I know better than to assume I am the only one upset over this. He has always been my pillar of strength but I know he needs his moment too for this one. Right from the beginning when we first found out, till today, he has been listening to every lil weird analysis of mine. I know whatever i feel, he would too.

A few nights ago, I told him I'm dead bored at home and thought of renting some DVDs and a good book. It was already 10pm when I told him, he gave me a strange look and said he was extremely tired and wanted to sleep. I was a lil pissed coz it is almost never that he dsmiss me that quickly. But I didnt bug him coz the shops were closed anyway.

I woke up the next morning, at 8am and saw a sweet lil card and a small paperbag in front of the T.V in my room. I opened the bag and saw two sets of DVD series. How did he do it? Did he snug out at night? Which shop was opened? I saw the receipt and checked the time, apparently it was yesterday afternoon. Meaning he rented them even before I told him I wanted to rent them. It was a nice surprise and I'm always amazed at how thoughtful he is and how well he knew me. He knew what I had wanted even before I knew them. Strange.

He is always, always there for me, comforting me, but this time, I know he needs me too.

Actually, I've been over and over this scene in my head many times. What the wicked witch will say, how I will react...but i still feel the way I feel. She hands me a pamphlet and said, "read it when you are less emotional" and went on to talk about what are the possible complications from here on, and what medication she's giving me and what to do next. I wasnt really listening. My eyes rested on the pamphlet and all I saw was the title of the pamphlet which was staring right back at me.

When she told me, I don't feel like the whole world was crashing onto me, that would be too dramatic. Yes, I was totally upset when she told me but I also know for a fact, this is for the best. I don't really like to question the why , coz reasons can never be conclusive and there is never a good reason to explain what's written out there. The mind is too limited to understand his decisions and I've always known that.

And I know, things could have been worst,some others have it even harder.

But I like a good grieving, I like a good, satisfying cry, to ease away the lump that keeps building up in my throat.

So now, all I have is one picture and the cross which reminds me that this is just not a story I made up in my lil, crazy head.

I would want to look at them one day and not feel that lump in my throat.
But that day is not now.
Coz I'm not ready. Not just yet.

it'3.20pm. In another hour, Im going to see that grumpy,wicked witch of the west, lokek MC lady again. The last time I saw her was 3 years ago.

And I'm dying to hear her overused "Oh, it's normal" phrase again. The other time it was irratating coz it seemed like she was trivialising evry lil problem I had.
But this time, Im just dying to hear her say it to me.

But, I doubt it. There's nothing normal about what Ive experienced so far. When things were normal, I was already a crazy worry-wart. Can you imagine how I am now?

As usual I have a list of fears. Not knowing is scary but you know, that few minutes and seconds to finding out, is even way scarier.

I don't know if I am going to be sent home today again and told the same thing as the other 2 people in white coats. Or am I going through a battery of tests to find out what's wrong with me. Some of the tests are not exactly comfortable and i don't think the wicked witch will be so kind to give an option to not take the test and I dunt think she will comfort me when I shed those tears. And I somehow know at some point, I WILL shed those tears. Not because of bad news I hope. I blame it on the hormones.

I want to find out, but I hate some of the tests. Maybe what I really need is a big scolding from that wicked witch to just do it.

So anyway, Im bringing irfan with me. I need someone to cheer me up, and he always does say something silly to crack me up or make me smile. Either that, or I will be busy scolding and chasing him, which hopefullly will put my mind off the worrying while waiting.

So im off now. And all i can think of now is the green lady in my dream.

I must admit, with all that is happening, Ive neglected Irfan a lil these days.

The past few days, when he gets back from school,( I know he is back because I would hear, "Assamuaikumm! Dah balik. IBUUU!!" ) he'll look for me, pops into the room,"what r u doing, Ibu" sees me lying down, smiles, jumps on the bed and initiate to engage me in one of his play ideas. Honestly, I am really not in the mood and so I layan him in a very malas sort of way, and luckily he gets it, lingers for a while and realizes Im not up to it. He pitter patter to the living room and plays on his own. soon after, he pops in again and checks if Im up to it now. When out of guilt, I show some sort of enthusiasm, he starts getting excited and pulls my hand to go out, "Ibu, come, come, play with me" or offer me one of his toys while he holds on to his favourite one.
And when I refuse, he'd pester for a bit longer and when he realizes Im serious, he plays on his own again. Somehow he knows not to bug me after that.

The first day, when this happened, I actually explained to him that I was not well. "Ibu sakit, I can't play with you" He replied "Where?" I pointed to my tummy. He went out and came back with my mum's minyak, clumsily opened it, dipped his whole finger in and plops it on my tummy, and started to rub my tummy in circular motion.
Unfortunately I had to stop him coz, he wasnt exactly doing it gently.
And I'm not sure what minyak he took, but with the amount he put on my tummy, it was super hot, felt like my skin was going to be burnt!

But he made me smile. And the next day, I told him Im not up to playing coz Im tired. I suppose that is one excuse he is used to, and so he didnt argue with that.

On Wednesday, I even forgot that he had water play in school and I didnt put him in his swimming attire. When he came back, his uniform was all dirty. I assumed he wanted to join in the water play and dirtied his uniform.
I never forget about his water play days coz I know he looks forward to it, but I did on wednesday.

And last night, while I was opening the fridge, I saw Irfan's circular on International Friendship Day which the school celebrates today.( I normally paste his circulars on the fridge coz I do have short term memory) He is supposed to dress in costume of other cultures and to bring a present for another friend coz there will be an exchange of gifts or something like that.
I totally forgot all about that and it was almost 9pm when I realized.

I digged his wardrobe and took out whatever that looked like costumes from other cultures. And my mum suggested he wore this




Arab Sesat
Tak sia sia, nenek belikan time pegi Haji. Pakai jugak.

It was already 9pm and so I said bolehlah. Although the headgear and jubah really tak kena coz it was supposed to be worn with long white jubah with long sleeve. But as you can see, he seems happy in it and posing posing lagi. Of course, we all had to boost his ego a lil and said something like "wah irfan lawa" "very nice" and he was smiling from ear to ear.
later at night, I asked alim if he thinks any of irfan's friend would laugh at him coz he does look kinda silly in that headgear. And Im just worried he'd be sad if his friends were to tease him.

As for the present, I digged my overloaded cupboard and lo and behold, found an extra children's day gift I bought for my students from last year. So that settles it.

The next morning, my mum and I dressed Irfan. He was super excited and seemed thrlled to be wearing the headgear. Just as he was about to leave, he walked to the mirror to look at himself for the first time. Upon seeing his reflection, he removed the headgear and said " I don't want" My mum insisted he wore it coz after all, it's her idea. "Lawa irfan, lawa...nanti teacher cakap lawa,". Irfan said "I don't WANT. Not nice" (tak sangka,kecik kecik pun tau fashion jugak!)

Kesian my mum, all her effort, pakaikan headgear tu. So he left without the headgear and instead, he wore a songkok haji. In the end, entah apa culture yang dia pakai.

My mum was sorely disappointed. She packed the headgear in a plastic bag in the hope that Irfan will change his mind later. She told the van driver to give the headgear to the teacher in case she wants to take a picture of him in it.

Itulah kisah...

Anyway, today I will pick myself up. No matter if it continues.
Being positive doesn't come naturally to me.
But I'll try.

Being too happy always scares me.
Yes, Im crazy like that.
This is one of those nonsensical emotional entries that is sappy, boring and blah blah.
Since young, Im always told when something bad happens, it's coz Im too happy.
"Tu lah, happy happy sangat, kan ..."
Maybe that's why I dont display emotions much coz somewhere in my head, the opposite will happen.
Right now,a week ago, I was over the moon.Excited and happy.
And now, Im fearing that the opposite will happen. I have cause to worry, it's not in my head. Sometimes it is , but not today.

So I sat there and waited.
But looks like I have to wait for another week.
I sat there and thought about all the possibilities.
And scare myself even more. I think that actually comforts me.

Ok you don't have to understand.
It's here to remind me about a fear which is so real.
I'm normally good at hiding things, but not this fear today.
So many people saw it, and i couldnt hide it.
I was openly vulnerable.
Im not used to that.

So if you are a two year, strapped in your car seat for 2 hours on a trip to Malaysia, what would you do?



To ease his boredom, that strap has been used as many things. I've seen him pretending that it was a fishing rod.."Ibu, Irfan fish...WAhh..many fish!!" Looking down and pointing below.
And now, after getting sick of fishing, apparently the rod has turned into an elephant's nose.

The other day, he found a long flattened box, stood on it and said he was skateboarding...another time, he took a piece of tissue, clumsily stuck it behind his neck and T-shrt, stretched his right arm, slided across the room and screamed, "Supermaaan !"

That reminds me...Kids are all imaginative and creative, one reason I enjoy teaching primary school is precisely because of that..they are just so refreshing and genuine.They see things which I can't.

sometimes I wonder how it can be further strengthened and developed. Does the classroom environment in our schools allow their creativity to grow or force it to come to a complete halt? Lower primary education has definitely changed a lot here, to encourage creativity and experiential learning. But what about upper primary, especially when PSLE looms closer? And for me, how do I encourage creativity in my classroom without compromising their exam results?

Definitely, the education landscape here is placing greater importance on creativity and problem solving skills as opposed to route learning, memory work and a one size fits all method. We are beginning to realize that these are important traits for the newer generation who will make up the future workforce and the changing demands of the economy.

For Irfan, allowing his creativity and imagination to run free, would sometimes mean having the house turned upside down as we give him space to experiment. Most times, im always tempted to blow up and ask him to 'put back the cushion', 'stop messing up the tissue' and 'sit down and be quiet' or even hand him his favourite DVD so that he would sit still, glued to the DVD for hours... Especially when it is 10pm and my eyes just can't open anymore. Teaching him to clean up after making all the mess, does help a lot but that depends on his mood and most times it takes him forver to clean up..and at 10pm weekday, I really have no patience to wait. Whenever alim and I are doing our work at night, we hand him a colouring book and some crayons, envisioning him sitting down quietly and colouring the picture quietly and carefully. But that never happens, of course.
Instead, he would pour out all his crayons all over the floor, take one crayon, make some markings here and there, scribble a little and barely 30 seconds, "Finish!" Either he runs off, leaving all the mess on the floor or pull our hands and gives us a set of instructions to follow, "Ayah, come. Sit here, play car. Ayah nyer(hands him one car), Irfan nyer (takes one car)..plaY NOW!"

I'm still waiting for the time when he can sit down quietly to colour. Take one colour pencil from the box, colour, put it back and take another. Im still waiting for that day. Im also waiting for the day when he can clean up all his toys without being asked a zillion times...clean up all at one shot instead of pausing in between to play with his car a while..to lie down and play with his hands lah....this and that. Basically Im waiting for the day when he can sit still for a longer period and not be ALL OVER, darting around...here and there, everywhere...u know what I mean?...bila agaknyer eh? 5 years old maybe?

Or maybe...the makcik makcik are right after all...Irfan really needs a "friend".

Short break

We didnt do much at Desaru over the March break. It was raining most of the time, coupled with some hot sun in between. It was just perfect to stay in bed and sleep all day, with the sound of the waves lulling you to zzzland. But having a two year old full of energy, makes that a lil harder to do...

so whenever we spot Mr Sun coming out, we went downstairs so that irfan could burn all that energy without turning the hotel room upside down...

As usual some pictures of us...what else...


He played with sand...berejam rejam..batang hidung castle pun tak nampak...


playground...

When it rained, he'd be in the kids playroom...luckily it was spacious..

I dunno why he'd always end up meeting girls instead of boys his age...

But boys will be boys...these are really the highlights of his trip...

Watching some abang play PSP..."Irfan play? ...can?can?..." I doubt he knows how to manipulate the buttons...and anyway, the abang didnt even budge from his seat like forever...


Kicking the ball up and down, up and down the area...goood..at least I can rest and enjoy the waves...

But the real highlight of the whole trip for him was....riding on THOMAS the train!!!!



Of course, he didnt care that this THOMAS wasnt even a train in the first place..it had wheels..and it goes on sand...and plus his face was a bit disfigured...
He didnt mind a bit.

Unfortunately, it was raining heavily and apparently Thomas doesnt go when it rains...
"Wait! Rain stop" he insisted we wait beside Thomas till the rain stops...but alim n I would rather wait in our room, on the comfy bed, with the nice rain sumoree...so we dragged him up...

and that explains this face...

Merajuk...

But soon, the SUN came out and we finally managed to ride on Thomas...

Muka ada senyum...

All the way muka dia macam gini...

haiz..posing lain tada ka??

back to school on monday for all three of us...HAIZZZZ......

Puncak, December 2007





Basi pictures of last year's trip to Jakarta and Puncak.
Sigh, I really need to get away for a short trip somewhere.....
More pics here..

Irfan's first school excursion to Kampong Glam

One thing I like about Irfan's school is that they have a monthly school outing based on the theme. So for february, their theme was culture. And for his first ever school excursion, he went to Kampong Glam. Unfortunately, due to work I could not be there with him. Im still very sore about it and the best I could do was to send my mum with him, armed with her new digital camera.

At first, i was thinking how weird it will be to bring lil kids to kampong glam of all places. I mean, would they really enjoy it? Isnt it a bit too 'cultured' for lil squirming, hyper kids?!
But by looking at the pics and my mum's feedback, the kids seemed to have enjoyed the trip and there were some activities lined up for them.

Irfan and I viewed the pics together at my computer and he narrated to me some parts of his trip. of course not in complete sentences but enough for me to have an idea of what he went through. When asked where he went, he answered "kampong". Good enough, I thought. At least he understood something!

Some pics from the trip:) Wish I was there!!! But I suppose, if I was there, it won't be an authentic school excursion for him. (futile attempt at trying to make myself feel better)

The pics, as narrated by Irfan


"irfan take bus, abang hold hand"
(I think they are still in school, lining up to board the bus)



"Throw, catch, then throw, catch"
(Irfan's version of how to play batu selembat)


"Kick!"
(Irfan's version of chapteh)


"Put in"
(Irfan's version of congkak)

For this, he had no words to describe, instead he started doing his version of Tarian Melayu moves(which is nothing like tarian Melayu at all!) in front of me.


More tarian melayu moves





"Irfan fren"


"kakak"



His current favourite pose. At last, he could manipulate these 2 fingers to form the peace sign.

So next month, the theme would be Nature and Irfan will be going to Sungei Buloh.
MC for me?

The end of the long road

I wonder how I would be like when I grow old.

I wonder how my parents would be as they approach the next few laps of their lives. They are entering a vulnerable stage and I am starting to worry.

Right now, my grandparents are at that stage; the final lap of their existance and they are holding on. I realize no matter how independent and financially sufficient you are, when you are lying on the hospital bed, unable to move, your kids are your only hope. They become your hands,your feet and your voice.

In other words, your fate is in their hands.

I have four sets of grandparents. Its a long story but to cut it short, my grandparents from both sides divorced at some point in their lives and remarried. My parents remained close to their original set of parents as well as their stepmother/father.
One set of grandparents has long passed and Im left with 2 complete sets (2 grandmas and 2 grandpas) and 1 grandma.

Out of the 5, 2 of them are bedridden, 1 has tumour, 1 has just undergone surgery and the other one is as healthy as an 80 sumthing can get.
To me, it seemed like it all happened at a snap of a finger, suddenly one by one they succumbed to their aging bodies and failing organs. One moment they are healthy and then suddenly, something happened; a fall, a stroke, a blood clot and then, everything starts to fail and they are just not who they seemed anymore.

Both my grandad are bedridden now. One has alzheimers and another has parkinsons, amongst other things. Their legs have not touched the ground since many months back, they lay in bed and are being fed and clothed. Both can barely speak. Their bodies seemed empty. They seemed distant. My sis has taken one of them under her care. Why my sis? It's a veryy long story.

On a day to day basis, maids are taking care of them. Why? Kids have to work. Why? Because everyone has to work here in sunny island singapore because if not, we cant keep up with the handphones, aircon, cable tv, internet subscription, education, tuition etc... Those who are not working have to take care of their grandkids whose parents are working. It is just how it is, and blame should never be spoken of. It's just how best you make of the situation.

My parents are not having an easy time coping with all of their parents falling sick all at the same time. Things are bound to get messy between siblings as they decide who should take care of who and who should do what. Things get complicated as the decisions varies, expectations differs and especially when negative feelings are involved.

There is a very long story behind each of them. It's complicated. It's messy.

Like I said, their fate depends on their kids' hands. How well have you brought them up? I think, this is the true test.

I try to see them as much as I can. And each time, I wonder how we will all end up. Sometimes, honestly, I dont really want to see them because the sadness is unbearable. Seeing them lying there, so old and helpless, makes you remember the lil things they have done for you, when they were walking and talking and you say to yourself, "It felt just like yesterday..." and how they lookd so different now.
And how the world doesnt even stop for them.

My grandma has tumour growing on her face. The growth is the size of your palm. It is growing on her left cheek. Her left cheek has been removed totally and it is covered with just skin from her thighs. She sees everything, she feels everything. Day to day she lives with the feeling that she is not normal, that she is sick, that she is suffering. I can only imagine.

That is a different ball game altogether. She is talking, moving and speaks her mind and she has a lot to say. Sometimes I dont know which one is easier to care; a talking, walking grandma or a bedridden one. They come with a whole set of challenges.
Love is the only thing that can make anyone so patient.

It is not easy taking care of any elderly. I have always known that but now I really know for sure. having seen the struggles, the squabbles and all else that comes in between. It cannot be perfect and someone will always be judging you, but at the end of the day, keeping the last few years of the elderly's life as comfortable as you can, should be our only priority.

Their bodies might look empty, coz no voice come from them, but Im sure they can feel, they know and they hope. Once in a while, we see tears in my grandad's eyes. It might just be a physical response but we take that for something.

Looking at one grandparent falling sick is unbearable. But seeing 3 grandparents going through this stage of their lives all at the same time, is just not easy. It makes you wonder about a lot of things. You can't run away from the fact that you are going to be dependent on your kid one point in your life; if you happen to live long enough.
Would they see you as a burden? Would they leave you somewhere convenient? Would you be the cause of your kids falling out with one another? Would they pass you around? Would they be calculative?

I go on with my life everyday.... But at times, at some sudden moments, I feel guilty for not letting my world stop for them.

There goes...another depressing entry from me.
Once in a while, I guess I find this necessary.

This CNY, quality time was spent with the family. We didnt go overseas, just had good rest and good company.

The Beach@Sentosa
We rested at the beach, the kids swam and played with sand.
There's always time for a book!

Doritos for two

Song of the Sea@ Sentosa
We watched songs of the sea. Irfan was awed.






Go Go Bambini@Dempsey
The kids had fun. Surprisingly, the adults did too!






Ben and Jerry's@Dempsey

A game of frisbee@Botanical Gardens





When is the next long break?

Irfan's school


On wednesday, since alim and I ended at 10, we managed to pick irfan up from school. He was ever so eager to show us around his school, pulling us immediately to his favourite part of the school; the "BIIIG playground" and "imming pool".





He had water play earlier in the day and I could not imagine how the teachers manage to bathe and clean each and every tiny, squirmy, noisy toddler...and then pack their belongings back neatly in their bags, one by one...phew..must be tiring.

I took the opportunity to ask the teacher how he is like in school. I did see him the first few days when he started school, and he was extremely active and totally ignored what the other kids were doing especially during circle time. He was up and about, rolling the play mats and turning them into 'guns' and started pointing at everyone. I must admit, I was pretty worried when i saw that and was not sure if the school setting was suitable for him.

The teachers did not shout, scold or force him to behave (like I do )..instead quietly tried to bring him back to the group and when he wiggled to be free, they just let him go. after a while they tried bringing him back again and again....no voice raised, no wagging of the index finger and no mention of the overused "NO!"
I doubted if the teachers' methods would work on Irfan but I decided to give it some time.

And to my relief, the teacher said he is getting better and he is more controllable now. She added that he is very imaginative and creative during play and cited some examples. She also said he is bright and did well for his practical assessments. Hmm Im not quite sure about that since I really cannot imagine how the teachers managed to keep him still for a practical assessment. I left it at that and didnt want to ask too much although Im very curious about so many things like, if he is able to interact well with others, does he follow instructions, can he play on his own for long, does he throw tantrums but I suppose I have to wait for the termly report.

I did notice some changes in him eversince he started school but Im not sure if it's the effects of schooling or just coming of age. For example, he is more independent now and listens more. His concentration level has also improved and he can sit still for a longer period of time, concentrating on one toy at a time.
I do agree a lot with the teacher about his imagination and kids his age are indulging a lot on imaginative play. The things he says and his opinions are really beginning to surprise us more these days.

Some people have warned us that Montessori education has too much play and kids might have difficulty adjusting in a school setting in P1. I don't know how true is that, especially now that most Montessori education is not purely Montessori anymore. Maybe to a certain extent, it is true. At this moment, I think I want irfan to enjoy school and play is crucial and extremely important for him. In this school, at least he gets some form of constructive play as compared to home and he gets to interact with his peers. The exposure he gets from the wide variety of activities, outdoor play and monthly excursion makes learning more engaging and meaningful. And that really is the best way to learn.

Let see how it goes.. in the meantime, im happy to know that he wakes up at 7am every morning, eager to wear his school uniform, songkok, put on his bag and shoes, carry his bottle bag and hops on the van and enthusiastically waves my mum goodbye.

THE BIG BOY



This year,
1)Irfan will turn THREE *gasp*
2)I am turning THIRTY *gasp*gasp*
3)And a few days ago, my dad has just turned SEVENTY! *gasp*gasp*gasp*

Unbelievable....

Pictures taken from some time back.

SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE

We've been parents for a lil more than two years now. There's still plenty to learn and much more I have not gone through. For sure having a kid makes you think about the future a lot more and also makes you doubt your capabilities from time to time.

For me the hardest part about being a parent is being a good role model. Especially now that irfan is two, he copies everyting and absorbs everything like a sponge. He's sounding more and more like us and it's scary. The intonation of his words, the phrases he uses..those are words said by people in the house. He has learnt so much from us, without us even specifically teaching him and he will continue to pick up habits, he will pick up our reactions and react almost the same way.
He is already doing that now. Im recognising more and more of myself in him.
The other night, he wanted to take his toy car from the middle room so he asked me to switch on the lights for him to find it. I was already almost dozing off on my bed and so I said, "(yawn)Ibu tired...I want to sleep..." Yes, the typical response from si pemalas ni. :) He insisted a couple of times and in the end I had to go swicth on the lights so that he would just let me sleep.

And what do I know, the other day, I asked him to clean up his toys and what did he do? You guessed it...he walked nonchalantly to my bed, plonked himself on the bed, yawned a loud fake yawn..and said," Iman tired...want to shleep.."

And now that i think about it, Im sure he must have heard me say that a couple of times, even to his daddy coz that is my overused phrase at home. I never before gave a thought to that phrase till I hear someone else say it back to me.

I can cite so many other instances...but thank god, not all are bad habits. The other day, while we were at the airport, he was running around as he always does at the airport. And of course, like an accident waiting to happen, he bumped into an uncle and irfan fell flat. The uncle helped him up and after getting up, he looked up at the uncle and said, "Sorry!"
Firstly, I didnt expect that from him and secondly, the intonation of that sorry is so familiar.

So I learn. ANd I am more aware now of the things I say and do. This is just the beginning and we still have a long way to go. At the end of the day, do I possess the qualities that I expect out of him? Or would I just be all talk and show all the opposite actions?

I suppose being a parent helps us in that constant ongoing struggle towards becoming a better person.

So the other day, when we were at jakarta, alim and I had a lil squabble in front of irfan. We were in our room and now, i cant even remember what the squabble was about. So anyway, in the middle of our squabble, I realised that the lil boy was pretty quiet so I glanced over and saw him leaning against the coffee table. His arms was crossed, he had a long face and he was rolling his eyes. You know lah, kids his age are really tiny copy cats and they want to do everything we do, even including getting angry. Obviously he didnt want to be left out in our squabble and was eager to join in. He then went, "hmph!!" , folded his arms and rolled his eyes again in his attempt to be included in the argument too!
he looked damn funny and we were trying our darnest to contain our laughter coz we were supposed to be in the middle of a squabble mahhh....must maintainnn

so anyway, rite after that, we went to alim's parents room coz we were going out for lunch or something. You know how irfan is talking so much now and expanding his words into phrases and sentences, ...So the minute we entered their room, irfan opened his big mouth and said,
" Ibu angry"
%#@*!At that point, I wished he couldnt talk yet!
So I said, "Ya ibu angry WITH YOU coz u very naughty!"
!!!!!!!!!
Pfft!!!
Betul tak boleh simpan secret lah budak ni!

And Im sure one day very very very soon, he would be able to complete that sentence with just two more words that can make the whole difference: "Ibu angry WITH AYAH" and I'd be dead. Habislah, smua secret dia bilang nenek and atok dia!

Being able to talk can be dangerous hor!!
Now must teach him how to keep secret....how ah?
every secret leaked, go to naughty corner?
*scratches head*

Debut performance

For obvious reasons, this one didn't quite make it to the Asian Idol...:)

Sabah- Land below the wind
It's all about culture and nature...

We went for a short trip to Sabah. This time round, we had more people going..as they say the more the merrier:) irfan was excited to have company which means double the kecohness!

Monsopiad Cultural Village
Kadazhan Head Hunters









On the way to Mount Kinabalu.
The sky was grey and cloudy and it rained along the way. So we couldnt get to see much of the highest mountain in SEA.


Glad to have each other.... :)

Oh and by the way....

Happy Birthday QistiNA-NUT!!!!!!
:)

Ok...so another year is ending and the holiays are here again. Yes, the much awaited holidays are here. Life is really a cycle..or maybe it's just for me, maybe i really need to do something radical to break this monotony. Sometimes i feel like i should sidestep from the conveyor belt a little and see where I land..but of course, as always Im too chicken for that.

so life goes on as life always does. and im grateful for that. that i must say.
but it's getting a lil monotonous and expected. The year was a hectic one, nothing new to that. i felt like i accelerated at full speed and going at that bullet train speed, i couldnt really see what was in front of me but all i had to do and all i could do was press on and accelerated through the madness. And then end of the year comes, like it always does and I slow down, take a breather only to expect the same tornado to hit me again come january. And life goes on like that.

I sound like im blabbering...and the reason im doing so is coz, the other more sane half of me is away in some jungle, doing his part for the beloved country. so irfan and I are on our own, left to entertain each other and drown our sorrows in elmo dvds and toy cars and trains. We take comfort in each other for these 2 weeks and right now, irfan is asleep so i'm left alone, which as u can see resulted in me blabbering.

irfan is really growing, though i keep forgetting that sometimes. Everyone is bugging me with the 'when is the next one?' question...i suppose it's just human nature. i guess now is a good time, the age gap is ok, and besides im itching for that 3 mths leave. but for some reason i keep putting it off..oh well.. we'll see.

yesterday was our 3 years anniversary, and i kept asking myself, " only three years?" I felt like we've been married forever, ok not forever but maybe 6 years at least? Not sure why I feel this way...anyway, he was in camp, so we couldnt celebrate and i spent the day with irfan, helping him put out imaginary fire from his fire truck and then looked for ants halfway through. exciting huh? actually it's either that or sit down and chat with my mum about family squabbles..oh man, save me from that! I had enufff of analysing and reanalysing one poblms after another with her for the year! at times, I just don't get what the problem is..but basically, evryone wants to think they are right. that is always the case. I dont get why it's so demeaning to be wrong...dont they see that at the end of your life, when you are old, weak and peeing in your own pants, it doesnt even matter! ( sorry for the strong emotions displayed, im just tired of hearing about the mindless squabbles)

orite, i'll continue with that some other time, when im in a bad mood. for now im just counting the days to sat, when he will be back...and he can go look for ants instead. :)