Unposted entry 4 days before the journey

I forgot that I wrote this entry below in my blog 4 days before I left for Hajj. I did not get to post it coz I was pretty busy then. Here it is now. My thoughts 4 days before I left. I hope to write a post reflection of my hajj in this blog so that I will not forget them. However, for some reason, I find it hard to put everything in words. I find it hard to describe how I truly felt in my heart, in my gut and in my every vein in my body when I was there. As much as I try to type them out in words, I can't explain why I broke down many times over there, I can't put in words, the joy, the sadness, the peace, the overwhelming gratitude to HIM, all rolled into one especially on the day of Arafah, as we stood under the sky, supplicating to HIM and feeling so powerless and small. 

That was the day I probably can't ever forget for the rest of my life.

Anyway, that's for another entry. If I manage to find the words, that is. Below is the previously unposted entry 4 days before I left. 

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Four more days to the big day. The day I have been looking forward to for so so long. My travels will be nothing compared to this. The beauty I've seen across the oceans and continents is one prove of HIS greatness and this journey will be even more beautiful than all those journeys rolled into one. In fact, for me, my previous travels was one of the factors that moved this heart to take the step. Each time I visit a breathtaking country, I knew deep in my heart that that will never compare to one place more beautiful than anywhere else in the world. It just will never compare. And each time I set eyes on such beauty, I cannot help but marvel at HIS creations. It's hard to describe.

My heart has been working overtime. The excitement, the fear, the humility, the thankfulness, the worry, the disbelief, the joy, the awe, all coming in waves. Mostly, I feel humbled and undeserving. For all my shortcomings, the invitation still did come. For all the things I fail to do despite all the blessings HE has given me, HE still extends his hand to give me an opportunity to bring me closer to HIM and to allow me to ask for HIS forgiveness in a place none can compare. 

As I write this, tears are streaming down my eyes. This has been the case since I received news. Tears just flowed easily these days. I have no idea why. But mostly, I feel so humbled by it all.

I will be leaving 3 small children and a sick dad. Any mother and daughter would know that is not something easy to do. And I have only a week to prepare. 

But together with the invitation, HE has given Alim and I strength, to deal with the overwhelming sadness of leaving our heart and soul for 29 days. The 3 little ones whom we have dragged across oceans and continents for our hols just because we can never even begin thinking of being separated from them for a day, will be separated from us for a month.

Tears are streaming down again. Excuse me for being so emo.

Together with the invitation too, HE has placed so much love in the hearts of people around us to make the preparation a much easier one. Our leave was approved quickly and arrangements at work were immediately made for us. Coincidentally I had taken a helper a few weeks ago because of my dad's condition so my mum will not be alone. And kind souls have offered to look after the kids. With that, we are at peace that our children will be in good hands, insya allah.

Many who have gone, mentioned about the tests and trials that will come throughout this journey. I don't really know what to expect. I pray I will be given patience. As important as it is to remember the steps of the hajj, I also begin to realize that this journey will be life changing. The tests we will be facing will make us only stronger, more reliant on him and forever thankful for whatever little we have. And I hope I am able to pick out the lessons that are meant for me. 

Whatever we may face, we are in total submission to HIM. Leaving our kids was the first hard step we had to take in this journey to declare what our hearts have always felt and known, that there is nothing more important than HIM. And that no matter how heavy our hearts are, we are willing to drop everything for HIS purpose. 

We are blessed and words cannot describe how thankful we are to our parents who despite having their own plans, are willing to put everything on hold and take care of our children. To family members who stepped in and volunteered to care for our children. Without them this journey would probably have not been possible. May HE bless them all. 

In syaa Allah, may HE accepts our ibadah and guide us the way. 

Returning home is just the beginning

To my partner in this world, I am most grateful to have made this journey with you. I am truly blessed for my journey was made more meaningful by your presence, by your hand holding me through, and mostly, by having you to share all the feelings I've felt in my heart and in my every vein when I was there. Because right now, it's hard for me to describe those feelings in words. Right now everything just seemed like a beautiful dream. But you were there with me and you felt everything I did, without having to have a word spoken between us. 

When we first made a promise when we were 21, we planned for a few things together but HE had a greater plan for us, for our union to have a greater meaning than what our limited foresight had planned for. To find true purpose in being together, to work together now for what's after.

May this be the beginning of a better spiritual journey for the both of us, may we bring each other up, further into HIS purpose, helping each other become better, although it will not be an easy feat.

In syaa Allah, may HE gives us strength and accepts our deeds.

A day older, a day closer

I know our time together is getting shorter by the day. I cannot imagine when the day will come. I don't want to see you in any kind of pain. I don't think my heart can take it.

Your love is limitless. Your care can be felt. Your thoughtfulness and the habit of giving and giving can't be stopped no matter what. Your words will never be forgotten. Your love and care for me never stopped since I was born.

My children. I am so happy they could feel all the above from you, like how I did when I was small. They know love from you. 

I see you everyday, knowing someday things will not remain the same. I don't know how long we have together. I wish for eternity. I wish, oh how I wish. I would do anything for that. 10 years is still too short. 20 years will still never be enough. Even the thought of it scares me to death and brings tears to my eyes.

I know for sure. My heart can't take it. 

"The only thing better than having you as my dad, is my children having you as their grandpa."

Hold you close, my lil darlings

TreAsuring every moment with them because we are all on limited time. No one knows what tomorrow will bring.

If I had my way, I will keep the three of you this close to me forever and ever. But I can't. You will fly and create your own path. While I, I will be here for as long as I can, forever ready to hold you close whenever you need me. But someday, someday I will be gone too.

May each of you find satisfaction in your life and eternal peace in your heart no matter what your future brings, no matter which path you choose.

Peace in a prayer

May they find peace in a prayer and look forward to each prayer 5 times a day to connect with HIM. 

It won't be easy sometimes to detach from an activity and perform a prayer. I say this from my own experience. So I hope if we start them early, it would become a habit and it would be easier for them when they are older. But above all, I hope they find peace in it, they find true meaning in a prayer and can never live without it. 

At times, they have to be reminded, other times like below, they perform their solat without being asked. With patience and guidance, they will be on their way.

May I be shown the way to be a good role model. Because I believe that's all they need.

The picture above was taken during Ramadhan this year Recently i found a video from 2011 of them praying together when Irfan was 6 and Alisha was 23 months:) click below. Already missing the times when they were younger!

http://youtu.be/yDkkRNI74Xs

My firstborn

My eldest boy has a good heart.

Sometimes I forget. He gets a lot of scolding from me. Usually because he takes a long time to complete a certain task, he gets distracted easily and loses focus all the time. 

However he is special. His heArt is that of a child. So pure.

He believes in a prayer. He always makes doa when things get difficult or before he starts something and he always doa for his loved ones. I know this because I overheard him or because he told me. Today his maths paper was tough and he told me he made doa so that he can do the paper well. Trust in Allah is one trait I want all my children to have.

He always reminds his little sister to offer food to the elders first. When eating, he never fails to offer Alim and me his food first. He always remembers his sister and tries to get extra for her or if not, share the little he received with her. Respect for elders should never get old in any generation. And sparing a thought for other family members is something I would like my kids to have.

He always tries his best not to hurt others' feelings. If he has nothing nice to say, he will just smile. If asked something, he will arrange his words that will not hurt others even when the truth does hurt. Being aware of others' feelings is another trait that everyone should have, it's never too young to learn abt empathy.

He always reminds me not to shop too much. He said he doesn't need a big house because its a waste of money. He said he'd rather share his money with the poor or save it for important things. I hope he continues to see little value in material things which are not impt (some things are necessary of coz!) and appreciate what he has.

I have a lot to learn from him. Of coz he is not perfect. He is an ordinary kid who needs constant reminders and scolding. He is an ordinary kid who sometimes just never listens.

I'm not sure how he will fit into the big, realistic world in the future. I'm not sure if he will change one day because he might realize being kind in this world doesn't equate to success. I hope not. Because success in this world is defined by others who knows no better. He might get bullied if he is too kind. People might take advantage of him. I hope he will learn to strike a balance instead of stop being kind. 

I love you, irfan. I hope you will keep your pure kind heart till forever. And no one will ever break it one day. Not because you were kind.

Endless lovin

The ones who need me most.

Peace

Thankful for the peace in my heart, for the recovery from the tsunami. Thankful for every little blessing. I am happy, contented. I am full from the abundance of blessings.

My 3 children are healthy and happy and that's enough. Everything else is secondary. 

May the days to come be as clear as this. May my heart be filled for the rest of my journey. There's truly nothing more that I want.

I have enough. More than enough.

Hari raya 2013

Selamat hari raya from the 5 of us!:)

Taking a decent family picture is close to impossible!

Do Re Mi!

The last house we went to over the weekend. Plenty more to go!!

Source of strength- never forget

Give me strength to give my best for Ramadhan, to give my best at work, to give my best being a mother to 3 children. For these are the things I want to excel in, I want to get right, I want to feel satisfied about.
These are the things I know I will regret if my best did not come through. For that I need your help, dear God. Coz I know none of these can be done right without you.
The body is weak, the mind is tired. But I can't afford to stop. No matter how desperate I want to pause. Ramadhan will go, my kids will grow up and my work will affect others. So there's really no time to stop.
You won't be reading my blog for sure but you don't need to because you've always known every detailed contents of my heart.
Give me strength, clarity and a good gut. To carry me through these tough times.

20th July- happy birthday Shahid Alim

Happy birthday to my precious one. It seems just like yesterday I held your tiny body in my arms. I was so excited and happy to welcome you into this world.
We love u so much! You are such a smiley and chill baby. Now you are getting more active as you started walking a month ago. Reminds me of your brother! :)
Luv luv luv! Happy first!

Hello walls

B.o.r.e.d

I am not necessary

I am not necessary.

untukmu by trihadzir

Found some songs that never got popular but charming in its own raw way.

tri - untukmu by trihadzir

Untuk teman tidurku, makanku, sayangku

Lihatlah disekililingmu.
Maksudnya mungkin ada di situ.
Diselubungi kehidupan harian, detik degupan yang diguna untuk menyara kehidupan.

Berhutang budi kerana ada yang sudi bermati mati berpegang tanganku kuat walau jasadnya sendiri lemah dari menatang kehidupan seharian.

Tenaga yang datang dari rasa yang terkandung dalam.
Dari senikata dan janji yang terukir lebih sepuluh tahun dulu.

Dan ini buktinya kata kata indah semalam.
Tanganku masih digenggam erat.
Tidak pernah sesaat dilepaskan.
Aku masih disanjung tinggi walau kurang layaknya aku sudah berkali kali terbukti.

Budak budak kecil kita, mereka lah menjadi saksi tanganmu memegang tanganku.
Dan perjalanan kita yang beribu batu, menyara kehidupan.

Masih tidak tinggal indah senikata sayangmu walau lelah tubuhmu, walau semakin terlihat kekurangan ku, walau berapa lama masa sudah berlalu.

Masa akan terus berlalu. Satu hari nanti, andainya aku pergi dulu, dan tangan kau terpaksa kulepaskan, sudah pasti aku masih belum mampu membalas semua sayangmu. Terlalu besar, terlalu indah, terlalu ikhlas. Tidak aku, yang penuh kekurangan ini, mampu.
Tidak mampu.

Thankful

I am thankful for all I have. This is more than enough. A lot more than what i truly deserve. There's really nothing more I should ask for except to be a better person. Why do this shallow mind always forget that?
It's a battle sometimes but at the end of the day, I remember.
What i have now is more than enough. :)

This picture reminds me of a beautiful day. And that every child is a happy loving special one waiting be showered with much love in return.
Good night!

40 degrees

All this while, my kids had never hit 40 degrees when they get a fever. So it was a first time for me to see 40.4 degrees on the thermometer for shahid.

I really hope he gets well soon because it has been 4 days with high temperature despite medication. Brought him to kk and after a blood test and urine test, he was found to be down with viral infection with no major abnormality to his samples. It must be a really bad infection because his temperature continue to waver above 39 whenever his medication is almost due for another dose.

He is generally active but not as much as previously. I think he has lost some weight. The doctor has assured us not to worry even if temp hits 40 and things should get better by Friday, they said. I really hope so.

His face is intermittently changing from
Happy to sad. He's eager to play and be the happy boy he is, but at times he will start crying. I guess he's uncomfortable. Hang in there, boy! I pray it will be over soon!

My boys

One of my favourite picture of my favourite boys:) They need a haircut, badly!

End of June

The holiday is coming to an end and I am
going to miss spending all my time with these three. Alhamdullilah we had the opportunity to travel together and I love spending two weeks travelling with these little people. Wish we can do it again someday:) waiting for them to grow a little older so that we can go to that special place we are yearning to go to!

Adventure with Three - part 3

And so I've caught my breath and will now continue.

After taking the overnight train, we reached Munich in the early hours of the morning. We chose Munich to be our base area as our flight out is from Munich. Munich was hot, 31 degrees to be exact. It was a pretty drastic change from London and Amsterdam which was about 12 degrees. So very soon our jackets were left untouched.

We checked in and then rested for a while before we met Alim's brother who was on honeymoon in Europe too. We went to the English Garden, had a little picnic and the kids ran around for a bit. It was nice except for the hot hot weather.

We decided to take it slow from here coz as expected by now we were getting tired and losing steam abit so it was cue for us to rest and take things super slow. We rented a car the next day and decided to visit the Neushwanstein Castle which is one of the castles which inspired Walt Disney to come up with the Disney logo. Of course, Alisha was super excited and the kids were thrilled to enter into an actual castle. The castle was perched beautifully on a hill and the hike up wasn't particularly something I would like to do again but the view from the castle was really pretty! The castle tour was interesting but rather short.

After a tiring hike, all we wanted was a nice cool drink and and ice cream. We walked around a bit and found a really beautiful lake, Lake Alpsee. There happened to be a nice restaurant overlooking the lake and I decided to have a small belated birthday celebration and fathers day dinner for Alim. The view, the ice cream and the walk along the lake was really nice. :)

We then drove home passed beautiful greenery and pretty little villages.

The next day we checked out from Munich after a 2 nights stay and decided to do a 2 hour drive to Innsbruck, Austria.
We were torn between driving to Salzburg and Innsbruck. Although I think Salzburg is just as beautiful but I am glad we ended up in Innsbruck. In Innsbruck all I wanted to do was stay in a really pretty cottage in some village with super awesome view and just not do anything. We managed to find this really awesome place in Booking. Com and our apartment had a really beautiful view of the mountains and greenery. It was quiet and pretty.

Then poor Alim got sick for 2 days, vomitted non stop. He might have caught the bug somewhere we have no idea where from. We were lucky our apartment was near to everything which we needed. We went to the doctor and he received an injection to stop the vomitting. He rested for two days. We bought all our supplies at a nearby supermarket and I somehow managed to make some porridge for him and the kids. As the plan was to rest and chill at the cottage, rest we did as Alim needed time to recover. The good thing was there's wide open field, a playground and a swimming pool at the cottage which managed to keep the kids occupied but mostly they enjoyed playing in the apartment the most. For me, the view was more than enough:)

Once Alim got better, we drove around Innsbruck city. It was a pretty sight to see all the buildings standing against a backdrop of mountains. Reminds me of Switzerland a bit. After our little cottage respite, we drove back to Munich to
do some last minute shopping for a day and then catch our late flight the next day.

On our last day in Munich, we went around the city centre at Marienplatz, Maximilanatrasse and drove around and ate nice Indian food after getting sick of kebab throughout the trip.

Soon it was time to go home. And that pretty much was the end of the crazy adventure. It was crazy because many things were not planned properly. We booked accomodations a day before we actually check out from another hotel so we were constantly relying on the hotel's free wi-Fi. Car rental was also done over there and we basically planned our itinery on a day to day basis.

Alisha and Irfan were wonderful. They were adaptable, easily entertained and enjoyed every experience they had. Irfan called it the amazing race because we were at times rushing to catch the next train, the next tour and so on. Alisha was a little picky when it comes to food but the good thing is she was weaned off the bottle finally because we didn't bring her milk for this trip. Hope it stays that way.

Shahid on the other hand was like a squirmy worm as he always is. Sometimes when we were tired, he was not and we just have to keep a vigilant eye on him. He was pretty alright when we were on the go, usually he will be asleep or sitting quietly in his stroller. Making milk and changing diapers were the usual order of the day. :)

There were many silly stories that we will remember from this adventure. Till the next, I hope irfan and Alisha will remember this trip for as long as they can.

It was surely memorable. Now, time to get back to this time zone. We are still adjusting. The kids fell asleep at 4 am last night and woke up at 2 pm! It 'll take some time.

It's 6 am now. Im taking sometime to adjust too. Maybe tomorrow. For now, Good night!