alisha's first raya



its the lil girl first raya and our first time lugging two kids around, from one house to another. thank god irfan is four and runs off with other kids most times. But still, it was extremely tiring.....i was all sticky, rimas and hot. and having to carry alisha around, made me feel so tired. compared to irfan, this girl knows what she likes and doesnt and demands things to be done her way. she likes to be carried only in a certain way, and creates a fuss when she wants to sleep. she needs to be changed, held in the right way, rocked to the right rhythm and the surrounding has to be cool enough for her. now that is definitely not easy to put together when you are at someone's house, sometimes sharing the house with abt 20 other people. the noise, the heat makes alisha squirm to no end, twisting and turning her body in my arms. and im in baju kurung, hot and bothered holding an equally hot and bothered baby. that sounds tiring isnt it. and this girl picks and chooses the people she wants. if she is ok with you, you can carry her and she will be fine, but if for some reason she is scared of you, she will scream on top of her lungs. so its not easy just to pass her around when im near fainting.

For the following pics, dont be fooled by my smile..

An overactive boy and a sticky chewy chocolate baby...i was feeling hot beyond words.


Her favourite position; upright and her feet going thump thump thump on my lap..i hear my bones breaking.


the overactive boy hugging me tight whilst im carryinng the lil one. i felt like a tree right about there. except im not so steady and can be uprooted easily. luckily i was barefoot. boleh balance sikit.

so this year, ive thrown the accessories, the tiny cek-kak bag, the careful makeup and the heels out of the window. im so sure that if im wearing heels, its just a matter of time before i trip and tumble in my kain whilst carrying alisha. accessories will just mean having alisha all over it as she pulls and directs them to her salivating mouth. i can just imagine. makeup is basically more concealor than anything else. no point putting much effort there, coz im sure before i even step into the first house, i would be totally drenched in sweat and my makeup will just dissolve in my berminyak face. so why waste time right?

but one thing i like doing is dressing alisha up....oh that i like! thanks to gifts frm kind friends and relatives, she has so many pretty dresses waiting to be worn. and i just cannot tahan looking at how cute they all are.im wondering if all the dresses and hairband im putting on her are the reasons which make her extra fussy and uncomfortable..but then again, i really cant help myself! sometimes i tengok dia pun i rimas, ngan dress all...but the next time we go visiting, i still dress her up. why ah... why??

well, tomorrow is another round of mass house visiting. another round of lugging her from one house to another. oh..how exciting..im already feeling rimas right about now.




Notice how happy she is when we are heading home! we are with you, girl! Home, home home..we'd be looking forward to that too tomorrow.

ok till later!!

What does raya mean to you?

And so i turned 31 last week.
and someone still bothers to make me feel special dat day, even though birthdays come every year..every year too soon. so thank u, u.
sometimes we run out of ideas as to what to do to celebrate that special day so that the birthday girl/boy's face will light up with excitement. But I say, its the effort that counts and to be surrounded by loved ones is the only thing that matters.

oh but who am i kidding? throw in a coach/ks/gucci bag, and my eyes will light up even morelah of course!! 31 and so materialistic. tsk tsk...but for some unknown reasons, bags make girls happy and as i turned older, strangely, I'sm even more crazy about bags! how weird.

and the other funny thing is, i like to buy them but most times i would use that one very simple bag over and over again. i have to admit im too lazy to keep changing bags and transferring all my rubbish time and time again makes me oh so tired. so the bags I have are mostly kept nicely in their dustbags, and collecting ..err..dust?

anyway, this year, irfan gave me a lil present too, which according to his daddy, irfan carefully picked himself. So what would a lil boy buy for his mommy, u think?
well, not a bag coz i think his 4 year old lil head just cant for the life of him understand how a bag can actually make ppeople happy!!

instead he bought me something from a toy store. of course. (toys make me happy so toys must make my mommy happy too, no?) Its a model Mini, a red one!!!

Why? Coz once, a red mini past us and i told him, "Irfan, look.I like that car..Can u buy for me when u grow up?" And then from then on, everytime we passed a red mini, he would say," Ibu, look... your favourite car!!!Ok, later I buy for u ok?"

I guess everyone has a dream car and mine is a red Mini. Its small, its not practical, expensive.. but i have always been fond of it. and if I could drive, I would probably be crazily itching for one..lucky cant drive...so i just fantasise and tell my son abt it..
Irfan's dream car is a Golf GTI (largely influenced by alim, of coz) which he claims can go faster than mine anytime.

Anyway, when he gave it to me, all wrapped in a preety pink wrapper, he was more excited than i was. Quick, ibu open it! MUka light up habis, kalah lampu lap lep...and when i was too slow, he helped me rip it open.

So...i ended up with a model Mini, remote control no less...well, its no gucci or lv, but I must say it has to be one of the best gift ever!:)

Ok till later, the house is in a mess and i think its time i move my lazy 31 year old butt and do something worthwhile for a change !:)

yea eleh...tu pun nak malu....

had a shitty and looong first 3 days.

theres a type of people i dunt like working with.
It is the calculative type.
when i meet them, i just hope they tell me the truth and say they dont want to do the job. i just need them to be honest with me.
i really dont care if they dont want to do the work coz i've always liked doing things myself anyway.

the worst kind is the kind that is calculative and love to complain. and they complain behind your back. dont want to do, just say can? dont keep quiet and then complain and complain to other people. just come to me and say "i dont think I can do it" or if being honest is difficult, just come to me and lie for all I care,for example; "I am dying and in between me busy dying, i really have no time to undertake the tasks." I really dont mind. Just tell me that you dont want to do it. Thats all im asking for. I welcome honesty.

Coz its not fair if you do things half hearted. its not fair if you do the tasks for ME, or coz I ask you to do it. Its not fair to who? Its not fair to the students!
Nothing good can come out of doing something which you dont believe in.

Sometimes I wish I can say exactly what I have written above, to the person concerned. But i am not that sort. Its not my personality. I know of some people sitting up there who can. i cant bring myself. Hence, ranting in the blog instead. and more importantly, i know that right now im emotional and if there is one thing ive learnt in my 31 years of life, it would be that, talking when you are emotional is alwayss, always a bad thing.

most times i let it pass, coz i think its not worth my time and energy. and i avoid these kind of people. i suppose in this profession you meet with a lot of people, of different personalities and work styles. It is chllenging and Ive learnt to handle most kinds. honestly, most times i ignore them. Maybe that is not right but i dont like to be sucked into their mentality. Sometimes I hear A complain about B and B complain about A and I just wish they would stop complaining to me coz i dont take sides and i never will. yes i love to hear gossips once in a while but bitching about your own colleagues just makes me uncomfortable. i mean afterall, the next day u will see them and most times you have to work together so ...i just find it rather uncomfortable.

and besides, there is a greater purpose in working. its not about pleasing your bosses or trying to show people how good you are. Its definitely not about who is right and who is wrong and who deserves this and who deserves that. Its not about doing more, doing less. Its always about using your expertise, talents to improve someone's lives; the kids, their families etc...so i really dunt understand why if you have the expertise and talent, you want to ration it. unless you see wht you are doing as solely work. work which has to be completed. and if there is a reason for rationing it, im always open to listen. maybe i need to see a different perspective. everyone is diff and i respect that.

yes im human too. and there are many people out there whom i dunt agree with or whom I am not comfortable working with. and I do get maaadd with some colleagues sometimes. and I go home and vomit all my anger out to the only person who knows everything- alim. everyone needs an outlet and letting it go with someone who doesnt know the person u r talking about is the best. at least for me. and the best thing about talking to alim is, he will hear me out, say what i needed to hear but he remains civil and nice to the person i complained about. he can listen without getting sucked into all the drama. he is the last person to say, "ok who u bully u? I would go out and kill him now!" He would never say that and the last thing i need is more drama.

coz most times after I get to vomit out all my anger, I would be ok. and i can face the person again.

there..I feel better already. :)

But my best remedy ever, the one that worked allll the time is going back to these two. No matter how shitty work was, how horrible the situation was, looking at them reminds me not to sweat the small stuff. that things can be simple. that we are just merely passing through a bridge. and all anger just simmer. automatically. :)





I suppose God made all little children cute for a reason. (Yes, even the bald ones;) They are really not easy to look after and can be irritating to bits. But they are such joy. Well...most times. :)

after sunday comes monday.
be good, brown bear.

Alisha Zahra at 3 months

I tend to forget things easily these days so i thought id write about what alisha is doing at 3 months. if we are talking about significant milestone, then she is able to turn over now. but she doesnt know how to turn back. she is beginning to reach for things.
alisha is showing more of her characteristics now. she lovees to laugh and smile and does it all the time. rhe first thing she does when she wakes up is smile. she especially loves it when someone talks to her and loves to be carried. When you talk to her, she will coo back in response.
As much as she loves to smile, she loves to cry too. The moment you are not within her sight, she will start crying. She will start with littles cries and if she is still ignored, she will break into loud piercing screams. Im not kidding. She is very loud in a shrieking kind of way. She likes to be carried upright and sit although her head is still wobbly. her head is always tilted more to the right. i hope that is not a permanent thing.
she cannot be alone for long and crave for attention all the time. she gets bored easily and fusses when she wants to sleep.
in the day she takes very short 30 minute naps. in her waking hours, she doesnt play on her own for long.
she is very attentive and keeps quiet when shown a book, magazine or any other reading material.
She smiles at her brother a lot but she does get angry at him when he irritates her. How do i noe she is angry? When she is irritated and he comes near with his loud mouth and kecoh mannerism, she will open her mouth real big as if she is going to bite him, and then snarl at him. she has done that a couple of times and its only to irfan. Think she has learnt how to fend for herself and she looks like she would grow up to be one no nonsense lady. but maybe not. at 3 months impossible to tell.
At night, she sleeps soundly and only wakes up once. thank god. What else..hmm she enjoys twinkle twinkle little star and will coo to the song every time. she's always mistaken for a boy coz she's bald. even when she is wearing pink from head to toe. doesnt matter if she is wearing a hairband or a dress. even if the dress is pink with flowers.
she loves to be changed and enjoys baths. Basically anything that involve holding and touching her, she will be happy.
Her recent favourite thing is playing with her saliva and making bubbles.

That's all for now. I think i will smuggle her in my bag when i go to school. yes thats the plan.

Keane



the songs at Keane reminded me of a certain someone and the things we've done together. So the best part about the concert is having that certain someone stand close to me and sharing a piece of memory that no one else would know.

depressed mode on. last week. from 4 months down to my last week. i cant believe it. the hardest part about going to work is leaving my routine which i have been comfortable with for the past 4 months. the routine which centers around the baby and irfan is just perfect for me. i sleep while she sleeps, and i even manage to squeeze in dvds and online free video streaming at night coz she sleeps soundly through the night.

i will miss sending irfan downstairs in the morning, i will miss getting a kiss from him in the midst of my stupor before he goes to school and the moment he comes back. and i will miss waking up late and not bathing for a whole day. i miss not having to be anywhere.

and what i will miss most of all is, getting paid for NOT being at work. dream come true.

but all that will change. my wacky sleep pattern will definitely have to be corrected though i am clueless as to how. so i forsee my first day will be about me yanking myself out of bed and then probably tired at school. not only cant my body catch up, i have a strong feeling my mind is going to be running at a much lower RAM than usual. but oh well, i dunt expect to be that way for long, coz school always has a way of giving me a rude shock which forces every single cell in me to pay attention. once you r in school, u have no choice but to work, in full force, no less.

so my crazy frens said we should celebrate my going back to school. i have no idea why we are celebrating such a depressing day but its always good to have great company.

expect more depressing entries till next week. bah!

the much awaited party is over now and the next awaited thing would be Keane concert tomorrow. after that, i forsee things would probably go downhill from there. especially come the 24th, when i step back into reality. haiz..

i must say, i have only one person to thank for the great party- the party planner of coz! when i first engaged her services, i didnt know what to expect. considering her many misadventures; like the creative diaper cake, ambushing people in their homes on their birthdays and many other crazy things..i forsee the party would be colourful. Actually it was her enthusiasm which tells me that the party would be a great one coz she has this 'just do it' manner about her no matter how crazy the idea is. and if things go wrong, she always gets away with it with style...in other words, a total opposite of me, who thinks and worries too much and then does nothing.

so before i know it calls were made to vendors, quotes were given, spreadsheet drawn up and budget done. all waiting for my go. prompt reminders were even given to me, considering she knows me well and how much I love to procrastinate. so in other words i dunt even have to lift my finger, well, except to withdraw cash from the atm and transfer money to vendors:)

the next thing i noe, she had everything ready; the bouncy castle, popcorn, candy floss, ballons, the pretty cake etc etc. i know i will enjoy the party but what surprised me most is that i enjoyed the planning process just as much. yes of course we could have gotten a birthday package where everything is planned for, but where's the fun in that?

discussing the crazy ideas i had, plus the crazy ideas the party planner has and irfan's incoherent ideas- the cheer, the chicken dance- it was just hilarious. getting the last minute stuff, preparing the goody bags, decorating the place; it was an unforgetabble experience indeed. the anticipation and excitement of waiting for the party to happen was fun too. irfan was so excited that he couldnt sleep the night before and he kept talking about the party. and so did the party planner! :)
who knew all that could be pretty exciting.

as for the party itself...sure, there were things which could have gone better. but as far as kids party go, i wouldnt sweat the small stuff. kids parties are how kids parties should be; messy, rowdy, noisy, free play and things not going as planned. and i must say the party planner was pretty daring to go up there n be the mc even if she has never done it before. not everyone is brave enough to do that coz we all know, its always easier to sit back and just give comments.
but of course as the party planner said herself; she sucked! hahahaha.

so our dear rosniaty abu bakar, i just want you to know that you have given one little boy the most memorable 4th birthday party ever! im sure he would remember this for a long long time to come. and he would fondly remember his auntie who was behind everything.
and as a mother, I really cant thank u enough:)

so till the next crazy idea....meanwhile go and practice to be a better mc, will ya!! alisha turns 4 in a few more years, u noe:)

The girl likes to be talked to and the boy just loves to TALK!
He's very happy to have a ready audience. She's always attentive when big brother is talking, smiling happily and cooing in response. Until....he starts smothering her with kisses or grabs her hand too hard, and she will start wailing and kicking him. And he will end up getting scolded. Thhen the whole cycle will repeat itself again. Everyday, this will happen, again and again like a broken record. Haiz...But i cant deny, I love watching them together. Will miss this when I get back to work:(

Here's Irfan trying to teach his adik to say 'Ayah', 'Nenek' and 'Atok' and some other stuff..

Reminder

I know that love is a powerful thing.
It can make me do things which I thought I am not capable of doing.
And everyone knows being loved is a wonderful feeling.
I dunno why he loves me. I dunno how our love was born when we started out as total strangers. i dunno why I love my kids so much, other than the fact that I gave birth to them. The love for them is so immense that my conscious mind thinks I can never live without them.
And yes, I will do anything for them.
Its easy to feel when I have a face to see, a smile to appreciate and a hand to hold.

But knowing that the face i see, the smile i appreciate, the hand i hold and all the love that I ever knew were all created by an even greater power, shouldnt it be much easier to put the greater power above all else? shouldnt my feelings be a million times more? even if the naked eyes cant see? even if my limited hands cant touch?
because this time its true, I can never live without that greater power.

But what have I done for the ultimate love that created all love?
What have I done for the ultimate love that created all love?

Why have I not done enough?
What is stopping me from being consistent?
WHat is stopping me from translating this love into actions?
WHy do I always forget?

When I know at the end of it all, these are the only actions that matter??
when I know this love is the only kind of love that prevails??

So I ask myself again,
What have I done for the ultimate love that created all love???!

Party, concert, CD and that rainy nite.
(basically, nothing important)

August should be kind of interesting. Other than the dreaded fact that id be going back to the madness call work. Theres that gathering for the two kiddos. Im not big on parties and crowd, but the lil boy loves them..i really have no idea where he gets his sociable side from. Anyway, i hope it would be fun for him, coz at four, he already gets this whole birthday party thingy. I have been putting off birthday parties involving more than my immediate family member coz im not sure if he understands it all, and more coz Im kinda lazy to plan them. But now that he's four, i think its the perfect time for a party, where he can help organise, enjoy himself and remember. Coz its a day to remember for him afterall, and not for us parents.

So this time, I have left all the details to that one and only family member who bothers so my job mostly is to keep tabs on budget. And Im intending to involve the lil boy in the planning and preparation for his party coz there's always a good learning experience in that and plus that whole sense of ownership thing. Besides, he does have his opinions on what his party should be like and what to include and exclude. My job is to organise all his messed up thoughts and all-over-the-place ideas.
So we'll see how that will turn out.

Other than that, there's Keane. (which reminds me, I havent bought the tixs). That should be fun, I hope coz im really in need of a good concert. The last concert I went to which left an unforgettable impression was definitely Coldplay.

Speaking of music, Zee Avi has been keeping me company these nights. For now, she's the chosen one for me, cause her voice, the jazzy pop music, the guitar and ukelele is calming and very very simple and clean. No strain in her voice, tunes just seemed to effortlessly roll out from her tongue. And simple is what I need right now. Listening to her probably help me entangle my stubborn mind? Hah! So thanks for the CD.

Other than that, I've been thinking about that night when it rained so hard and the all-too-familiar music came on and I had a vision of something. And then later at night, he told me of the exact same vision he had. How spooky was that? And i was also thinking of that night, when it was dark and crowded and he stopped to wait for me when everyone else just walked on basically coz no one else knew me.

So I say thanks for waiting for me amidst the crowd.
And most times, waiting for my slow mind to come to its senses.
The teen flick dvds Ive been renting have probably messed with my mind again. But this time, its probably what I need.

Nur Irfun-ny

So a few weeks back, Irfan brought home his latest artwork from school.
He came home and plonked this on my lap.




They call it the art potato cause the base is made of potato. They used raisins for eyes and mouth, and carrot for the nose.

So I asked him if his art potato has a name.
He said yes.
So whats his name, I asked.
Twiddling the artwork in his hand,
he replied.....
His name is Nur Potato Nur Chips.

I almost died laughing that day.

And if I could see the thought bubble emerging out from Irfan's lil head, it would probably say this, "Nak sangat semua nama ada 'Nur' kan; amek kau!"

:0

Lovely, lovely rainy morning.
Music, soft sheets and the four of us sprawled on the bed.

RAndom

Counting down the days to the end of my freedom. Give and take, I have slightly more than a month left. I try not to think about it and Im truly enjoying every minute I have with the three of them.
Its also great that Im able to catch up on the music, i missed that a lot. Been meaning to read, but knowing that soon I have to get back to work, Id rather be holding the brown bear than a book.
Ive been eating a lot, constantly hungry and looking for food. Im addicted to durians now, especially those that's just out from the fridge; really cold and smooth. Am i not supposed to be eating durians coz im breastfeeding. Oh Oh, too late now.
Been meaning to do some runs with alim at our always vacant carpark but he has been going and Ive been......well, busy.

Speaking of carpark, the things that take place at our almost secluded carpark can be pretty interesting. It always involves stationary cars with engines on, hazy looking windows, newspaper aligning every gap at the window and some disposed tissues on the floor.... We managed to sneak a peek once in a while but nothing we have seen is as interesting as what we have imagined. Hah!
Ok, moving on...

Here's a thought..what would you do, if you have a pet; say a monkey and there's just this particular trick that you want your monkey to learn but you are just not sure how to teach it. You have told the monkey repeatedly on how to do the trick but he just refuses. So you decide to send it to a professional to learn that trick. But your monkey is unhappy and is reluctant to go. Do you..
1) Tie a leash around the monkey and drag him there?
2) Tell the monkey, its your last dying wish for him to learn the trick?
3) Sogok the monkey; "If you go, I'll supply you with a lifetime of bananas?"
4) Forget about the trick and love the monkey for who he is, coz he is no less of a monkey if he doesnt learn the trick?

Thats a lot of 'monkey' for a short paragraph...anyway what Im trying to say is, sometimes monkeys have to listen to their masters, sometimes their masters just need to take time to listen to their monkeys? Understand? No?
Its not important anyway.

Its only 12 am,,,,theres still hope of me sleeping early tonite.:)
(maybe I should have named this entry Rubbish at 12 am)

Good nite!

Rubbish at 4am

Hello 4am..again!
This time of the morning, Im thinking of a long drive somewhere.
The kind of drive that requires maps and the unknown. I want to go on holidaaayyyyy, how many times must I sayyyyy. :P

WWW is my constant companion this time of morning. With time in my hands, its amazing the people you bump into in this digital world.

Maybe this is not a good idea afterall.

Anyway, i still cant believe the amount of tax I have to pay! and the last line in the tax letter read, "Thank you for contributing to nation building." Arrrghhhh!!

Alisha is babbling a lot. And her voice is as loud as her brother's. If not; louder! OH-OH! Is that my doing??

I spent on something I dunt need----again! Teach me some self-restraint please.But i look forward to going out tomorrow, just coz I want to bring it. Silly, stupid, yes I noe.

When Big Boss calls you and you are on leave, what do you say? -"Im on leave. Dunt disturb me!!!", "Nobody else ah?", "Is this urgent?" Wat???
You know wat I said, "Anything else, just call me" . I should go knock my head against some bricks now.

Irfan is such a good boy when we bring him shopping. He gets out of my way. I mean reaaallly out of my way. I tot I lost him again today.

And dats wat Im thinking about at 4am? Bah!

Rewind

Sometimes when my mind wanders, its surprising where it lands.
Being away from work and having slightly more free time always makes me think about things I shouldnt.

The last thing I have time for is nostalgia.
But it haunts me and the songs dont help.
Sometimes I wonder how I got here, from back in '99 and even before.

Theres just certain things which you can never forget even if you have not visited that memory for many many years.
Sometimes, all of a sudden, u land on a piece of memory and suddenly you can feel, smell and hear everything as if it was happening right now.
You remember every little detail there is; the colour of the wall, the song in the backgound, the clothes you were wearing..
And you recognise yourself all over again.

Truth is, theres just some things you can never forget.
Even if you think you have forgotten about them.

does that make sense at all? No? Its probably just my insomnia talking.

Anyway, on a lighter note,
Happy Birthday to the person I have always turned to all my life and who have always answered my stupid questions.

Sleepless

I cant seem to fall asleep these days. Alim, irfan and alisha are all sound asleep and Im still up, doing unimportant things and thinking about nothing in particular. For the past few weeks Ive been falling asleep at 3am and then I'll be up at 4.30am for alisha's feeding. At 7 am I'll feed her again and at 9am, its time for her to bathe. Surprisingly I dont nap in the afternoon, which means my sleeping hours are all whacked and Im not getting enough sleep. Sometimes I get groggy, but most times Im just in a blur. Breastfeeding and changing of diapers have become like an automatic reflex ; other than that, Id be rocking her to sleep, cuddling her or 'talking' to her. She takes quick napps in the day, 2 hours max and I cant really do much of other things. She doesnt like to be left alone and gets bored easily, which some say is typical of babies her age. So my days pretty much revolves around feeding, changing of diapers and putting her to sleep.

Seriously, Id rather be doing this for a while more. Although, I can feel my brain cells disintegrating on me and my body feels really lethargic from all that sitting down for feeding and rocking her to sleep. I dont feel like going to work yet for now. To get some fresh air and my mind going for a bit, I look forward to going out .with the two kids in tow of course. If I leave them, Ill be thinking about them endlessly, but when we bring them, there's more mess and hassle of course. But we always choose the latter..dunno why. Come to think of it, alisha sleeps longer when we are out and when we put her in the sling. Its the movement i guess. So actually its kinda easier to manage her when we r out. Which is good for my sanity.

The holidays end today and we didnt even get our passports stamped this june. Irfan seemed very contented staying home, glued to the TV, much to my dissatisfaction. But me, Im getting some sort of withdrawal symptoms....travelling is a difficult habit to kick. And this body is programmed to get away every 6 mths. But alisha is too young, and for her good, Ill wait it out. And I really need to curb on that spending anyway. With two kids and ageing parents, we need all the reserves we can get.

OK typing this is making me sleepy which is good, coz i need to sleep. I cant believe typing this is as boring as you reading it now. It cant get more boring then readin about ones sleeping habits, can it?. So i better stop the blabbering now. Maybe I should just stick to posting more pictures accompanied by skimpy words.

Ok goodnite.

Gloom



This photo was taken when we were in Sunshine Coast, Australia.
It's ironic. Theres no sunshine at all in this pic.
It mirrors the way i feel today.

But despite that, the tree stands tall amidst the dark, gloomy clouds.
The leaves will grow. With time they will.
And the grey clouds will subside.

Mugshots of the little brown bear

Brown cub will be turning two mths soon.
she's into a lot of cooing and smiling these days.
This one likes to be held, cuddled and entertained.




Luckily, we have a clown in the house.

Add some colour to your life.






I like to saturate his photos. And change all his colours.
And it will always come out distorted. I think I like them that way.
But on second thoughts, I prefer blacknwhite.


I dunno much about birds, but I hope you have learnt something, lil boy.

Flashback

Music has always been a central part of us.
'A reason to see you again' you said and I smiled.
The walkman, the CDs, the MDs, the ipods; we danced through time.
Every step of the history we made was accompanied by the playlist.
The playlist last nite.

It was all it took.
You were there, at every part.
I know I wasnt crazy coz only you share that piece of memory.
Of that playlist last nite.:)

A picture that speaks a thousand words.

Even after a long, exhausting day at work,
you give comfort to a little red bug,
who chooses the stinky smell of your worn-out body and tired hard feet
over the comforts of his soft, clean bed.
Always.





I'd choose the same too.
Always.

9th June 2009
My survivor

Congratulations on surviving one more year of your life, withstanding a house full of crazy people.
That definitely deserves a standing ovation and a celebration.

So today, we will celebrate you.
Happy Birthday, team mate.:)



P.S. Ten years since I board the train, and Im still in awe.
To you, who make this ride so fun
And so worthwhile.

The sunshine turns a month tomorrow.



Your smile makes me forget about last night:)

Daddy's boy
Of cameras..fast cars and guitars....

I want to dream just like you...



I want to play just like you...


I want to do what you do...



I want to be just like you.
So teach me daddy, Im yours...

Happy Father's Day (a real early one):)

The world is a wonder.
Get acquainted, my love.

Say u love me
and say no more.

you deal with the heartbreak everyday
knowing you are not the apple of his eye.

and u wish u didnt know
so that he will still be your number one.

its gone now. its gone.

I think all mothers who had just given birth should be whisked away to a relaxing, secluded resort for about a week to recuperate from their exhausting labour.

All i could think of the moment i stepped into my home after being discharged from hospital is to run off with the baby in my arms to a beautiful resort facing the vast blue sea where I coud just relax. Where i can have my daily massages whilst enjoying a nice cool breeze n hearing the waves crashing on the shores, with the open sea right in front of me.

Afterwhich, I have my balanced meal served to me in silverware so presentable that even ubat periuk can look appetizing.

Maybe throw in a facial or two, anything that pampers the worn out body and nourishes my well being.

Then have a lactation nurse on call to answer my neverending breastfeeding questions and give my breasts all the attention they need. Maybe a nursery room so pretty to welcome the lil babe with a paeditrician, a nurse and a helper just a call away. So anytime the baby is crying incessantly, the nurse or pd can just drop by to take a look to see if my paranoia is valid or im just going crazy.

A helper at my back and call would be great to throw away that diaper when im done changing the baby so that i can hold her immediately. or to hand me the tissue when my breast is leaking all over the baby's face...and all other stuff that saves me the time away from my baby so that I can concentrate on breastfeeding and cuddling the baby in peace.

And of course, one other important service; internet connection! What for, u asked? definitely not for work purposes to check edumail! For online shopping of course; where you can purchase the necessary nursing bras and tops and look for pretty baby clothes while you are it and maybe a designer diaper bag too :) All necessary, I swear!

Wouldnt that be a great post labour getaway? Im sure there's some resort like that somewhere.

But well, for now, i can just dream about the vast blue sea and move my butt to throw the diaper and grab the tissue. As for the pd, lactation nurse and helper at my back and call, I suppose I will just have to settle for my mum... hehhhee. She gives me advice on everything, though im quite sceptical about most of her bizzare theories.

One example would be wetting a tiny part of a tissue and putting it on baby's forehead to stop baby's hiccups. The connection between wet tissue on forehead and air in the lungs is really beyond me ...but her suggestions somehow are comforting to me, if that makes sense at all.

But on a serious note, she has been a huge help. I would have gone berserk without her to take care of me and handle irfan when ive had too much in my hands. I really dunno what I will do without her.

as for the online shopping. oh yes! that i can do!;)

Ok, I hear the lil one crying. Isnt it great to be a source of food for a human being. I feel so important! heh

Back to reality now. Till later!

Is that silence, I hear?
Below is a picture of PEACE.



It has been quite a chaotic first 2 weeks I must say. With 2 kids clamouring for my attention, I dont even have time to take a bath at times!
Looking like a hag and smelling of breastmilk 24/7, I just spend the day back and forth, back and forth attending to these two. Somehwere in between changing soiled diapers and answering irfan's neverending questions, day has turned into night. The hours seemed to whiz by, ever so fast!

Birth journal of the lil girl- for future reference, my aged mind tends to forget a lot these days.

6th May, Wednesday: had appointment with georgie and did a cervix check. she set a date for me for an induced birth next thursday if baby is still not ou by then.

7th May, Thursday morning: mucus plug came off followed by bloody show. Had a feeling the lil one is coming soon.

8th May, Friday morning, 9am: woke up with contractions. Knew it was contractions coz it was consistent. But the pain was still very mild and they were very far apart.
Messaged Alim, who was at work, to tell him we'd probably need to go to hospital later in the evening or Sat morning.

5.30pm: Alim came back from work. My contractions were getting stronger and nearer but still tolerable and more than 10 mins apart so i tot I'd wait it out. Tried to take my mind off the pain by keeping myself busy with irfan and walking around the house.
Alim and Irfan fell asleep. I figured alim better rest in case it would be a long dramatic night for us. So i waited for him to get up.

9.00pm: Alim's mum came to visit. Contractions was 7 minutes apart and the pain was making me grimace. So I knew I had to go to K.K. Was still quite reluctant to go. The pain was different from Irfan's. It felt more like someone stretching the veins till it almost snap on my upper thigh and back but I felt nothing on my tummy area.

10pm: Finally decided to go K.K. Said goodbye to Irfan and kissed him goodnight. He was upset to be left home and merajuk. Made me want to turn back and forget about giving birth but the pain was unbearable.

10.30pm: Reached K.K and sat in the car for a while. Very reluctant still. At that point I wasnt sure why but now, in retrospect i think i was afraid. I knew the pain I will have to go through during labour coz of my experience with irfan and Im not sure if i was ready.

10.30pm: Gathered my courage and went to delivery suite. They monitored me and found I was 7cm dilated. Wheeled me in labour ward. Prepped me up and they called Georgie. COntractions was 3 minutes apart and the pain almost killed me but didnt coz Alim took my mind off it by keeping me company. I dunno wat we talked about but it helped. Tried the gas but again, never got it. Mengumpat about the irritating nurse who was attending to us. Anything to take my mind off the pain.

11.30pm: Georgie came with wet hair. I askd her if she's from home. She said, "Yes. then from swimming pool?" and gave a silly laugh. Alim and I glared at each other. So like georgie to say sumthing like that. Wore her gloves and broke my water bag. Checked me and I am 10cm apart. Asked me to spread my legs and push. I chickened out and said I m not ready. Started to remember everything I went through with Irfan, got scared and said I needed some time. The irritating nurse turned pale coz she was afraid of georgie coz georgie told her to call only if I am ready to push.

12.00am: The nurse rushed me and told me to just push. I rolled my eyes at alim and we mengumpat about the nurse again. Suddenly the urge to push came and I felt like I just had to get this huge lump out of my system.

12.15am: Georgie came and I told her Im ready. Spread my legs and told me to push. So I did with all my might but nothing came out. Alim psychoed me with words I needed to hear..he always knows what to say to me to make my brain do what i dunt want to do.

12.38am: After a couple of pushes that sapped all strength out of me, her head popped out and soon her whole body just tumbled out. A huge relief off me!
Georgie gripped the head and pulled the whole body out and handed the baby to the nurse who handed the lil one to us. I remember thinkinng; " she's quite dark".
Then they took her back and weighed her; she was 3.2kg (luckily not heavier than the bro) cleaned and wrapped her before giving her back to us for that special moment.
All pain was gone!

12.45am: Georgie finished her job, did the stiches for me, took the placenta out and
cleaned up the mess. I dunt really want to see or know whats going on.

1.30am: They are satisfied with my condition. I am still alive, have not fainted or anything so they wheeled me to my ward. I just cant wait to get up there!
And the rest of my stay was just a lot of cooing over the lil bub and fussing over irfan who also slept over at the hospital for the second night.

Ok..that's about it. Luckily not much drama.
Alhamdullilah:)

Introducing my lil sister.



She is FINALLY here, after I waited so long for her. Every month I will ask ibu if it is May already and after some time, May came and my little sister was born.

This was how she looked like when i saw her at the hospital.
She was wrinkly and fat and her eyes were always shut.



here's how she looks like now.



I like to sing to her and clap my hands in front of her. I think her favourite songs are the Barney Song,Wheels on the Bus and sometimes Old McDonald. Every night, I will read a storybook for her. Most of the time she will sleep through it but Ibu said it's ok.

Some things have changed I think. Sometimes I feel sad coz I think I get scolded more often now. I try to remember what ibu tells me; to be gentle with her, to be careful when near her but i dunno why i keep getting into trouble.

I love my sister and Im soo happy she's here. I tell ibu that everyday.
The moment I get home from school, I will look for her and ask ibu what the baby is doing. Everytime she will be sleeping or drinking milk.
And I will always try to snuggle and sleep beside her.



My job is always to throw the water used for wiping her poo. Ibu said Im very helpful and Im a great big brother.

I bought my sister a pink playdoh that day but ibu said she's too little to play. The little T-shirt I chose for her from FOX is also too big for her so she cant wear it yet. Im waiting for her to grow bigger. There's so many things I want to play with her once she stops sleeping every minute.

So i guess this is how my family looks like now. If my teacher asks me to draw them I will have to remember to draw 4 heads instead of 3. :)



Till later. BYE!
Nur Irfan

mucus plug came off yesterday, followed by bloody show.
think georgie kinda pulled it when she checked my cervix on wednesday.
still having it now.
irfans delivery was two days after first bloody show, thank god for the entry in the blog, otherwise i wouldnt have remembered such details.

waiting for serious contractions to come. see glimpses of it but im waiting out for as long as i could before going to the hospital. with the temperature taking, the compulsory wearing of the stifling mask at hospitals now, as far as possible i would rather delay my trip there. wonder if i have to wear the mask while pushing too..heh.

My due date is next Monday, 11th, and so far no signs of labour yet. Nothing..Nada..
Just the usual crampy feeling which I dunt think counts coz it's so fleeting and the only reason i feel it is probably coz Im too free.

I have taken leave beginning last monday, to spend more time with the boy and clean up a lil here and there.

my last checkup with georgie was yesterday. We have set a date on the 14th may, thursday to be induced if the baby is not out yet by then. The baby is 3.4kg now, thereabouts and knowing that the baby is more than 3 kg makes me somewhat cringe.

She kept asking me how big irfan was and i have been telling her he was 3.74. I guess knowing that I managed to deliver irfan naturally made her think I have a high threshold of pain and really no major hurry to induce me. Actually I dunt really have a high threshold of pain, but more of a mentality of getting it over and done with, 'bear with it and hope it be over soon' kind but if possible, I really really rather NOT repeat the ordeal.

Being able to deliver a big baby before, alhamdullilah, doesnt mean I am capable of or I necessarily WANT to do it again. But heck, if that is what I have to go through again, there's nothing much I can do except go through with it.

She said its probably my diet that contributes to the size of the baby. And it has been the trend now for babies to be born bigger than usual. Recently my friend gave birth to a 4kg baby; normal delivery without epi..and she said it took forever for her to push the baby out and at some point she really could feel all her strength being drained out of her.

irfan came 2 days after his EDD and Im not sure about this one. I would say take your time, but dunt grow too big..but if you do, i hope Im given the strength to deliver you safely :)
Coz that's all I can hope for right now.

ive been home for the past few days...been feeling cramps and getting terrible headaches. My tummy will get extremely hard and the muscle pull is unbearable. I suppose these are just part of the 3rd trimester woes for this particular babe. Had no such problems with irfan, just remember feeling extremely heavy and lazy with him.

i have plenty to clear at work but looks like that have to take a back seat. I hope i dunt get any muscle pulls whilst Im in labour coz it sure makes contractions a lot more painful and i doubt i can push when part of my muscle is being twisted; every single move I make hurts. the pulls feel like those simpul biawak u get on your feet or calf but i get it at the side of my pelvis and for a few moments, I will be paralysed with pain, till it just goes away on its own. Imagine having that while you are pushing in the midst of tense contractions!

and of course, there's those sleepless nites that goes without saying. Im up every few hours to pee and i just cant sleep comfortably for some reason. My tummy is rather small and aside from the baby, I dunt think I have put on much weight on myself. My arms are just as skinny as ever and my cheeks did not become any chubbier, I think..so I dunno why im feeling extremely uncomfortable. AND Im always hot and bothered these days. Have to sleep with the aircon on and in class, Im just a wreck, feeling so warm all th time and every little thing gets on my nerves. Poor kids. Think they are glad Ive not been in sch for the past 3 days.

Oh well, guess all these are part and parcel of the final leg of my pregnancy. 3 more weeks to go...no clue if it is going to be early or later than EDD.
We have not figured out a name yet but i've chanced upon a name I reaaly liked and alim has one he likes too. so we probably just throw these two names together.
Actually Irfan has a name he liked too. And when we told him the names we have chosen, he scrunched his nose and said they were not nice. Too bad...he can have a chance to name his own kids when he grows up. By the way, the name he wanted was Mudalisa Atika. Hehhehe. :) I suspect he modified his friends' name.

I dunno how some parents can start all their kids names with the same letter, but we just cant find anything we like that starts with Nur or the letter 'I' to be consistent with Irfan's name. We did try but couldnt find anything. We probably should have planned all our kids names before giving birth to the first one...heh, but then again, we've always been weak in the planning dept. So I suppose there would probably be nuthing similar about irfan's name and his sister.

I know I have told myself not to buy any clothes for the little one till about a week before my EDD. That's what I did with Irfan. But I just cant resist! Went to FOX the other day to get irfan some T-shirts but my eyes drifted to the other section of the shop, all things pink, purple and white! So I bought a couple but none of them were pink, actually, except for this really cute tights with dark pink and white stripes. I probably dunt really like pink baby clothes as much as I thought. In fact other than the tights, I doubt she can wear the other stuffs I bought till she turned older. But they were irrestible anyway so I bought them just for the fun of it.:)

Ok, time to go. Counting down the days to 11th May, my EDD. :)

ok long entry alert.
if you have insomnia, this entry might just be your cure. :)

Life at 31
So im turning 31 this year and never in my wildest dreams would I tink that I 'll be a mother of 2 soon. Insyallah.
Life has been pretty kind so far and like always, I've always taken each day as it comes. Might not be the best way to live your life but honestly I did not plan for everything that I have now. I've never really had a goal or target in life for eg, to make that first million when Im 35 or to have 3 kids when Im 40. Some say, those who fail to plan, plan to fail. I suppose they are right but I think life is so unpredictable..maybe Im just to scared to raise my hopes and see my plans ruined. And one thing I know for sure about myself is that Im never ambitious.
So I came to adulthood with no expectations, no plans, no high hopes of being happy, successful or loaded.

But one thing I know is, Ive always been lucky. Lucky to be surrounded with people who have been my source of strength and motivation.
Looking back, my parents had neither the knowledge nor the means to educate me. They never supervised my school work when I was young, never bug me to do my work coz they were pretty much uneducated. I remember having to explain the contents of my report book to them every year coz they are not sure if I had done well or not. BUT they motivated me despite the limited means they have, encouraged me through words and above all, i know for sure their prayers was the only thing that kept me sheltered and blessed all these times.

Somehow or other, without any aim or direction, I made it to Uni. Like I said, I am lucky coz I have siblings who took the place of my parents and helped me every step of the way. I remember my sister buying me a set of encyclopedia on my birthday when she got her first pay.It was expensive and it was quite a huge portion of her pay. She was the one who fed me with endless storybooks and bought me all the collection of Enid Blyton books I had. She promised me that if I could go to Uni, she would bring me to Australia for a holiday. In the end, she didnt but somehow I wasnt disappointed coz I understood the intend behind it.

I also know for sure without my brother, I would probably have no one to guide me in my school work. he was 5 years older than me and at that time, to me, he was a fountain of knowledge. It's as if he knew everything, so much so that I believed him when he said he could transport himself to the sky.
I hung on to every word he said. I remembered when I first bought my school books in P1, he was the one who read the books to me and my sister helped me to wrap my books. He was also the one who set mock papers for me to do and mark them when I am done. At that time, everything was handwritten and he carefully chose the questions from my test papers and assessment books and wrote them in a form of a test paper. And when I cried coz I was cranky and tired and could not finish my art homework, he was the one who completed it for me so that I can hand it in the next day. I dont know if he could remember all these details now, but I would never forget them. Coz I know for sure, I would never have been here without them.

I was never the smartest, the most hardworking, the most creative or vocal but I have always been lucky.
WIth A level grades that barely made it, I was lucky enough to be accepted in Uni. I was never the brightest student, never talked so much during tutorials but I enjoyed writing essays. before I know it, 3 years have gone by, and there I am, wondering what to do with my life. I dont have a plan, a goal or an amibition but I had all these opportunitites presented to me in my hands.

For lack of better ideas, I decided to teach. yes, for lack of better ideas.
and i remembered wanting to buy time before I start working and the 1 year PGDE course with pay could give me that. My parents wasnt exactly young anymore and the source of income would surely help. I didnt have the luxury or means to go overseas or study for a few more years so i decided to go into teaching immediately.
I was met with a rude shock when I came face to face with the stress of the teaching profession especially in the most difficult beginning 3 years. I managed to survive and again, was lucky to have met someone who saw some potential in me and gave me an opportunity to carry out a position which i doubted i was capable of undertaking.

But somehow I survived with the help of my source of strength, whom I was destined to meet. Alim was there every step of the way and helped me in my work whenever he could. I remembered him helping me to prepare my materials for my lesson observation. using his fantastic artistic skills, he prepared so many of my teaching materials that everyone in school thought I had artistic flair, which I obviously dont. From cutting circles for lesson on fractions, to collecting leaves for my science experiment, he had done it all with me. I particularly remembered him accompanying me to Mustafa Centre in the middle of the night coz I suddenly remembered i forgot to by nuts to be used in school for racial harmony day celebration the following day. He has always been the one to sit through my series of complains and tears and urged me on when i doubted myself.

But I must say all that stress, sweat and tears at work did not actually go to waste. It paid for my wedding. I managed to save enough and used the hard earned money to cover all costs, every lil detail of the wedding... but of course was pretty sad when I saw all my money gone after the wedding. :(

I have always been lazy and laid back but work requires me to be out there and take up bigger responsibilities. I struggled and surprisingly did things which I thought I was never capable of. And now, 8 years on, at a different school, I see my work in a totally opposite light. Im still not ambitious, but I now see that my work is appreciated in my school and it does have an impact on the students and teachers. And knowing the tears and heartaches of the teachers who just started out, I could use my position to create a better place for them. Work has been good so far, still busy but Im happy to be surrounded by colleagues and most importantly bosses who care.

Im still with no ambition. Opportunities keep presenting itself, as if forcing me to go somewhere, pushing me in a direction I never plan for. I donno if I should limit myself to here and now coz I am just too lazy or to take up the challenge, grow and impact others. Honestly, I never thought my attitude is ever cut out for this. But I also know,there is a bigger force out there that controls everything that comes my way.

And now at 31, I must say Im comfortable and thankful. With so many things that can go wrong, they have always come out perfect. So for all that I have today, Im thankful to so many people who have brought me here.

I donno if they know or remember all that they have done for me, but for sure,
I will never forget every single detail of how they have played a part in my life. :)

Haji Lane with my constant companion





Whenever I look really down and upset, you'll ask me why I'm sad. And you'll ask me to smile. Sometimes you ask, "Is it me, ibu?" And I had to smile and say,
"No, it's never you, boy."
When I say Im sick, you'll constantly check on me and ask me if Im feeling better.
When we are late and the shop I want to go to is closed, you'll say
'Nevermind ibu, we'll try again tomorrow."
Once, when you saw tears in my eyes, you asked me, "Are you crying ibu?". Then I saw you looked around trying to find something to make me feel better. You picked a puzzle and asked me if I wanted to play. When I shook my head you looked around again. In the end, you took a tissue and gave it to me. You waited for me to wipe my tears, took the tissue and threw it in the bin."R u feeling better now, ibu?" you asked.
When you thought Im asleep (actually Im just pretending to sleep), you'd say,
"Goodnight ibu. I love you" and give me a kiss on my cheeks.
You'll always take everything blue and keep all things pink for me, just because Im a girl.

I teach you the alphabets, numbers and colours.
But I don't remember teaching you how to be sweet, coz honestly I don't know how to teach you that. I guess you picked it up somewhere. You are loud, boisterous, active. You never ever walk. You jump, hop, skip, run, everything else but take proper steps.But amidst all the craziness of being three,I suppose
you learn to care.

You'll always be our number one :)

about 10 more weeks to go before i deliver. insyaallah.
time sure flies. i have been rereading my past entries about my pregnancy with irfan, trying to recall and compare if both pregnancies are the same. but i realized i didnt have as many entries about the pregnancy as i thought.
from what i could recall, i didnt experience braxton hicks at all with irfan but I have been getting painful and uncomfortable 'muscle pulls' at the side of my tummy every other day with this one. I came to know that those pulls are actually braxton hicks and its purpose is to prepare your uterine muscles for labour. so its kinda 'practice' for your body to get used to the real contractions.

with the second one, Im also always craving for gassy drink, especially coke and i am less particular about my intake this time, downing just about anything from coke to coffee. This time round, I've also noticed that the baby is extremely active, very much more than irfan was. I don't know if all the sugar in the coke have caused that. But the movements are rather violent and very often which made me wonder what the baby is actually doing inside. It feels like the lil one is doing some 360 degree flips, kicking, shoving or punching endlessly, making me feel like she's dropping out anytime soon.

And yes, my gynae is super confident that the gender is not a mystery. It's a girl, she said very confidently, further adding that it's very obvious and pointed to some grey-blackish thingy on the scan that's supposed to be the female part.
So im a lil less skeptical now and told irfan that he's having a sister and not a brother. He seemed very fine with it, in fact just the other day, pointed out a tiny pink dress from FOX and said maybe baby will like it coz it's "pink and have some flowers."

I'm happy to know it's a girl of course, but surprisingly have not indulged in splurging on those adorable baby girl clothes I've been eyeing yet. I don't know why but I think I'd rather wait for a lil bit longer. Yes Im crazy like that.

So far im doing good but im beginning to have the jitters of labour and delivery. it was all good with irfan, but nothing is predictable and we will never know what will happen. I have kind of forgotten the pain of labour but in 10 weeks, like it or not, it will definitely come back to me, loud and clear!

Another worry is the second one will be bigger than irfan. According to my gynae and the websites I've read, this is usually the case with the second child. Irfan was 3.74 and I really dread the thought of delivering a baby any bigger than that! So my gynae has told me to cut down on all the coke and sugar to prevent the baby from getting so big. Oh my, just the thought of it, is sending shivers down below!

ok,ok I better stop now coz I can really go on and on about my labour fears. i suppose having experienced one birth before, albeit an easy one, does not help me at all in reducing my ever present paranoia. Im a real worry wart, ain't I?

Till later:)

December Drive in Queensland





The Brisbane-Gold Coast-Sunshine Coast drive in Dec reminded me so much of Great Ocean Road 5 years ago. Except, this time we had irfan to share it with. It's the same fantastic greenish ocean view and the waves crashing on the shores.
Noosa was very laid back and I will surely never forget the lunch by Noosa Heads.
For me, all i needed for this holiday was some fantastic view, a crystal clear lake to dip in which Lake Mckenzie provided and a clear sandy beach which the 4 wheel drive brought us to at Fraser Island.
And irfan had his fair share of excitement,at the theme parks and zoo; 'flying' on 'airplanes', dancing with sesame street, water play, meet-ups with Dora, Spongebob and feeding the traumatised kangaroos, koalas and baby crocodiles.

So thankfully, Im recharged now for school and second trimester has been a welcoming change from the rather bumpy first trimester. Time for work now. Looking forward to May.

Pictures