I wish you never left preschool

Irfan entered primary school this year and that changed my life. I know that sounds a tad too dramatic but it's true.

Let me start with spelling. How hard can spelling be right? Wrong.

I said this to him today as we were walking hand in hand, home from the carpark, " I'm tired of scolding you when we learn spelling."

To which, he replied innocently. "I know. I'm tired of crying when we learn spelling."

I almost lol at that. I guess we've both established the fact that non of us enjoy spelling. At least we could agree to that!

Sure, he got a perfect score for all his spelling so far, but that didn't happen without sheer hard work, tears and scolding.

It's not that he takes a long time to remember. In fact he's pretty quick at memorizing but what irks me is I have to constantly remind him to take out his spelling list, divert his attention from distractions, get him to stay focused, sit down and concentrate.

I don't like the fact that I have to remind him to learn his spelling and nag at him to memorize again when he gets things wrong. This plus the million work stuff I hv to do just makes me super short-fused.

I wonder when will he be disciplined enough to learn spelling on his own. And I can just shake leg like when he was in preschool.

Next up, packing of bags. Today he forgot 3 things which should be brought to sch. Why? Because I wasn't home to remind him as I had to go work early. Honestly, I'm quite tired of reminding him to do this and that, just hearing myself nag makes me sick to my stomach. Last year, I could have spent all these moments playing with him but now, every contact I have with him is mostly school related. I hate that! I miss those "care free" days.

Ok end of complain. I told myself I'm going to try out some strategies to teach him a certain sense of responsibility and self-discipline. It's not easy but if I start now hopefully when he gets to upper pri and his exams start coming, I won't have to nag him to study. Ada hope tak?

So any idea what's the magic formula?

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Can you tell the colour of my heart?

Keeping this lil black heart shiny and dandy has been no easy feat. I've been polishing, although I know u won't believe so.

BUT I'm sure it's not shiny enough for you yet because you are still trying to shove that cleaning rag down my throat, hoping it will reach straight to my heart.

I'm trying not to gag. I'm trying to breathe so that I can get some oxygen and think with a clear head.

But i have this to say. I think I'm giving up now. I am sorry.

I'm really very very very tired from all that polishing.

But what's more tiring is living with the fact that you think I have a heart as black as coal.

To you, I always fall short.

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The first week of school was tiring but exciting!! It's amazing how just doing something different can uplift your level of enthusiasm. It was like a breath of fresh air, seated at a new, extremely clean n tidy table, surrounded by a group of colleagues that shares, gossips and JOKEs! I'm relieved to be out from the sterile environment. Well maybe it wasn't that bad to begin with, but getting to mingle with a different group of people is indeed a welcoming change.

The highlight though, will be starting the year with a whole load of planning, monitoring of dept stuff totally off my chest! I didn't have to start the year, making sure plans are in store. Cracking my brains on how to mobilize my dept. Last year, i knew i was at the deep end, when i realized i wasnt cracking my brains anymore. I was merely going through the motion and i knew that it wasn't a good sign.

I used the time i have now to put a lot of thought into my lessons. Getting to know the 8 year olds were nerve wrecking for me, believe it or not but honestly, there are just too cute to be badly scolded. Each pupil is unique and with a class of only thirty lil people, I plan to get to know them inside out by the end of the year.:) I felt like a beginning teacher, relearning everything again, all excited abt a new beginning.

And then, there's that lil student I call my son. He said the first week has been great for him. Everytime he spots me, he will give me a smile and a lil wave. At first, I used to glare at him but after a while I figured, he will get sick of it at his own accord. No kid can be too happy that his mum is in the same sch for too long, right?!:) He's just excited to be in the same school as me- for now at least.

But honestly, it's not too bad being able to see your son in school, catch glimpses of him eating, playing or just interacting with his peers. But the best thing for me is being able to share the same experiences with him. In a way I'm getting to know my
son better.

And being in the afternoon session also means I get to spend a good amount of time with Alisha n irfan in the morning, at the start of the day when I'm
fresh and energetic.:)

So all in all, things have been great. Looking forward to another day:)




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The teacher and her son-student

Tomorrow, I will start school. In the afternoon session. I seriously don't know what to expect. I am still not asleep yet so I suppose being in the afternoon session is a good thing? I sure hope so.

Downside; there will be no afternoon dates or movie with alim. I will see him at 7 in the morning and then 7 in the evening:( it might be common to most but it will be completely new for us and just the thought if it makes me sad.:(:( boo hoo.

Tomorrow, the boy sleeping in my bed now will be a student in my school. I wonder how that will work out? How does it feel to bring a student home, u think? Honestly, I'm still in two minds abt the idea but a decision has been made and we'll just see if I can be professional abt it. During recess later, will I help my students or my son? Hmm dilemma dilemma.. But I've told irfan, Alim and myself that I will not be his mummy at all when I am in school, which means as much as I want to stand there and take a picture of my firstborn buying food or lining up, I will not.
In school, I shall be a teacher to my students, u think can? Haiz, maybe it's just me, complicating things. But seriously, I shouldn't even take one single photo of my son on his first day of school, u think? Oklah will try to do it discreetly if possible. Of course, the idea of asking him to pose will be out and I definitely can't get him to pose with me and get someone else to take for us!! Haha! That one dah melampau kan! Haiz so tempting.

Alamak, seriously i dunno how to play dual role at the moment. As you can see I'm an excited mummy of a P1 boy but still must maintain cool coz I'm also a teacher in the sch! Haiya!

Hoping for the best! Wish us luck!

Goodnite!!!!:)


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Poor lil girl

Poor girl, been sick for three days. It all started out with endless vomitting, more than 10 times at least. Must be so painful on the gut. It was horrible and painful to even watch.

The next day, fever struck and she has been soo weak eversince. Have not seen her so sickly before.

Fortunately the vomitting has stopped completely and the fever has subsided but she is just so weak.

She started out the day with so much zest today with a "hello eveybody!!!" but barely 20 minutes later, she's slumped on the sofa just looking at irfan and qistina (she's sleeping over) play. If she's standing, she needs to lean. She's constantly in and out of sleep. She wants to join them but always ends up seated looking at them or resting her head on the table. She said she's very tired and we can definitely tell from her eyes.

Today, she spent most of the day sleeping. During her waking hours, her eyes were glazed and sleepy. I worry that she is dehydrated coz she is so lethargic n not eating. But her nappy was quite wet ( we got her to wear diapers again coz she's always in and out of slumber) And we fed her ice and glucose. She did manage to drink about a 180 mls of milk today. Not much but progressing.

Hope she gets better soon and starts playing. I know she wants to badly but her body is just not up to it yet. The doctor said she has stomach flu, I suppose it's a pretty nasty one.

Get well soon, lil girl. We miss u lots!


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Down and out

After a week or so of self medication and silent battle with the flu bug, I finally succumbed today to a merciless, full blown bout of headache, bodyache, runny nose, cough and finally, fever. Had to finally give in and spend 40 bucks on some zyrtec and antibiotics. Urghh, 30 something year old body finding it difficult to win these days without the extra help from a course of antibiotics. Like a champion in denial, I went to school today and survived! But every few minutes, was wondering why didn't I just call in sick and rested. My head was heavy and aching all over, every 3 minutes, I wished I had been at home, on my bed. After what seemed like eternity, 4.30pm came and I went to the doctor, admitting that my antibodies were just not strong enough.
I took my medication and slept for a bit just now. I had a lil dream of sorts, of one moment, having a colleague say how often I'm taking mc, and then another blurred scene of my principal sitting in my meeting and shaking her head because someone said I was on mc. It's not too difficult to guess what my subconscious was thinking.
My head is throbbing as I'm typing this. The doc said I'm having a nasty flu and gave me 2 days mc. I can't afford both but I know I need a day to completely recover.
Whether my dream is actually a premonition, I will probably find out soon. But honestly, with the state I'm in now, I seriously can't be bothered!

Oh wow, look at that. Such a super long entry just to say I'm sick! I'm done now. Need to continue with my slumber and let the antibiotics work it's magic.

At ten tonite, I have to muster my strength to make my way to the airport. Alim is going to China with his kids. And I'm very sure, the next ten days will feel like forever.

I'm starting to feel depressed already. And I suspect it's not so much from the flu:(

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Irfan during P1 orientation. "abang is your student, ibu," adik commented upon seeing irfan seated in the classroom in my school.



It will be time for serious work come 2012!



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Today is irfan's p1 orientation and next week is his year end concert. I must have said this a thousand times but time flies and next year he will be entering formal education.
I dread the year when he will be sitting for his PSLE. A child's worth is not and should not be how well he scores but we have no other way to think but that, because like it or not, how he does for PSLE has some part in his future.
Having a son in p1, I have now, a new found perspective of being a teacher. I now understand better how big a parent's hope for a child is. How they worry about how the child will fit into the new environment, how they hope the child will pick the right values and skills. I, as a teacher is the sole agent in the class who will shape these children's developments, whose parents' hopes are as big as mine.
Of course, I've always known that but never actually felt it as much I do now.
As much as I hope irfan gets a great teacher, I hope I can be that fantastic teacher who can impart nothing but wonderful values n skills on another parent's child.
I hope I will not let anyone down.



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The beginning of change:)

Im so happy.
In the work front, things will be different compared to the past 6 years.
Im in need of change so Im excited because this change has just been confirmed!

Im not getting a promotion. It's just a lateral move from one position to another but Im already excited about embarking on this new journey. No fear at all.
Some say I'm 'depromoting' myself but I dont really bother because I know my heart is longer in there.
Im in this teaching business for the long haul so I need to constantly develop myself. I cant do something I dread every day of my 30 something remaining years in my profession.

I cleared the interview just now and im excited about my plans for next year. I will be doing something I like, something I have been wanting to do but shelving these ideas because of the lack of time. In my eyes, it's important, it's something I know I feel strongly about although it might not seem important to some.

Honestly, I dont know how many of my plans will actually materialise but I like this excitement Im feeling as compared to dragging my feet everyday, doing the same old thing.

The last business I have to complete before I clear my table is to submit the award application and then Im done!!!!!!! I cant wait to clear my table and move...I cant wait!! :)

To 2012, may it be a wonderful year, one with no less challenges but with greater satisfaction and excitement:)

2 piece band

2 piece band. The drummer and the guitarist. You can't see the chopsticks in her hand as she was busy banging them away. As much as I want to scream Be Quiet, I stayed calm and took out the phone n capture the moment instead.




While they rock the house down, I had a good test run on my new found patience..
And realized I had to work harder at it.

I subtly moved to another room. But it didn't take long for them to realize that their one and only audience was gone. So they packed their set and moved to the next room too!




They set up their gadgets and started rockin again! Oh the noise, but of course I stayed calm and took a picture.

After all that heartfelt screaming shouting n banging, I just hope I won't fail my next hearing test!

Anyway, I know all these would be part of their childhood memories which they will remember fondly when they r older. So for that, even though I'm probably going deaf, I can't possibly take that away from them.

So rock on, babies!!!



Peace out!! (heh)

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Colourless and gone

Should I be thankful?
Or keep looking and not settle?

The rain tonite is perfect company to my melancholy. It's just depressingly perfect.

No outward appearance can divulge the contents of a buried piece. Everyone sees a perfect life. Oh but how wrong can they be! The body is empty, void of colour and life. There's just silence and it's sad that no one can hear the silence.

No one sees what's beneath, no one bothers. It's frustrating to be walking beside the living dead. And so no one sieves the frustrations n sees the reason of the living being dead.

Until it's too late that is.
Until it's too late...

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Final escape

I need an escape route. Just tell me where to go.
Tell me in what form so that I can recognize it.

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Of trials and tribulations

By the way, here's the full story of the sweet lil 6 year old girl who succumbed to cancer.
ourfiestyprincess.blogspot
Painful.

Haiz, overall been a depressing past few weeks all around. Sometimes hope is the only thing you've got and what do u do when it is not enough anymore? When hope lets u down again n again. Do u give up believing or trudge on and put yourself out there again for another disappointment?

As a person born and raised with a religious faith, we believe HE knows best, that HE knows what is in store no matter how dire or depressing the situation may be. No matter how painful the situation you are facing. You are raised to believe that everything happens for a reason and never to question the reason for only HE has the answers.

But when bad things start happening to me or people around me, I am ashamed to admit that at times, this belief and faith are somewhat shaken. I hate it when there's nothing i can do except to just stand around. And try to make things better with nothing more than mere words. It's not enough.

Sometimes, at my lowest low, I wonder, I question and then I feel guilty. The rational mind has been trained that things should be fair, that good things happen to good people, that a good deed will be met with another, that a prayer will be answered, that if u just try hard enough, you will get what u want.

But alas, thats not true all the time. And when that doesn't happen, the human mind starts to question, wonder and draws all sorts of emotions. When emotions get into the picture, the mind becomes irrational.

Although I feel guilty for all my doubts in my brink of depression, I am also aware that I am only human with a mind that has limited comprehension, that is myopic, that can only see the here and now. For that brief moment when I doubt, I m thankful to always find deep in me, a strong sense of faith still there, still intact. I suppose it's always there for all of us to reach deep into when we reach a certain threshold of emotional pain that the rational mind cant grapple with.

And no matter what the outcome may be, how painful and undeserving the situation may seem, the strong sense of faith helps to "teach" the human mind to rationalise, to understand and "teach" the heart to let go and free the pain.

And one thing ive learnt again again is that when things go out of control, falls through a carefully laid out plan, it only serves as a reminder, that as humans we cannot control everything. And that there's just things we cannot do no matter how much we want them. We have the power to do so many things and yet we are powerless.

For those who believe that there is greater power who commands "Be! and It is!, then it's perhaps easier to reach out to the faith deep within, for we believe that what we can't see does not mean it's not there.

Hoping tomorrow will be better, for all of us who are down in the pits, who have lost someone we love, no matter how lil that being may be. Come what may, trials n tribulations, we will trudge on for the human spirit is made stronger than we think.

But hey, who am I to say, I have not even gone through half of what these brave souls have.

HOPE, pls don't let us down.

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Not for keeps

Yesterday, a 6 year old girl I didn't know passed on after battling mean neuroblastoma for 2 and a half years.

It was a painful journey for her tiny body and an unimaginable emotional torture for her mummy.
She has an older brother who is also coping with the loss of his beloved sister.

I cannot even begin to imagine or understand the pain of chemotherapy, the pain of watching your lil girl go through chemotherapy and then after fighting so hard, having to cope with her loss.

I cannot even begin to imagine without almost shedding a tear myself.

And she is definitely not the only one. Yes, there's a silver lining in everything, yes, everything happens for a reason, yes, she is at a better place, yes, god loves her more, yes everyone dies. But knowing that doesn't stop one from the emotional torture of longing for your lil daughter, knowing that you can never see her smile, hear her voice or hug her ever again.

It's an emotional turmoil of an unimaginable level. For this one,
one has probably no choice but to muster all the strength to continue living each day at a time. To all those strong souls out there, I admire you for not giving up living because I'm sure dying might seem like a better choice than missing your lil child's sweet smile.

Rest in peace, lil one.
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Just the 3 of us

Lazy lazy Saturday. Alim is away taking his pupils on a camp to Bintan till Tuesday..it's raining so beautifully outside, Alisha is taking her afternoon nap and I'm under the sheets since an hour ago. Lovely Saturday.

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If only u tried to understand.

First point-
When there's no clarification, explanation, there will be assumptions.
And that is NOT an assumption!

When there's assumptions, there will be misunderstandings.
When there's musunderstandings, there will be unhappiness.
If u are unhappy reading the statements above, then you have indeed misunderstood due to an assumption on your part.
Because this entry neither explains nor clarifies.

Comprehendo? No? Oh well, don't bother!

Second point. It's in your hands to make two parties you know get along with each other. If they don't, then it's totally poor effort from your part. You did not try hard enough to talk about one person to another. Instead, you keep mum about information from each other.

You withhold so much info, that in the end, these two pple just don't bother to get along with each other anymore!

Either that or point one will hold true.
Comprehendo? No?
Oh why bother! It has been going on forever!


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We will be ok

Something that one take for granted,
can be another person's dream come true.

Like smooth, scar free pair of legs,
silky smooth hair,
a branded bag,
perfect health,
stash of cash,

a life partner,

Or

a little one to call your own.

I suppose it's the emotions that make us human,
emotions that can come in overwhelming waves..
Ride through them and trust that we will be ok.

We WILL be ok. We will be O.K.

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Precious saturday

Bad start to a lovely sat morning. Some pple just have a way of making u "throw that roti prata against the wall" (inside story to be told at another time) 20 years on n some things still don't change.

I hope the rest of the day will be peaaachhhyyyyyy.


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Pink frenzy!

If u dont already know, Currently she's obsessed with pink. From her insistence on wearing pink panties to secretly painting her nails with pink magic pen. Every day we will clean it off only to find her nails pink again the following day. I've told her it looks dirty and ugly, she insisted it was pretty and pink. But she never admitted to painting it with magic pen. So I hid the pink magic pen. She never asked.

Well basically it could be pink anything. When it coMes to food, she will always get strawberry flavoured stuff.. Doesn't take a genius to figure out why. So it's strawberry ice cream, strawberry flavoured sweet, strawberry milk etc. I sometimes wonder if she really likes strawberry flavour in the first place.

The fact that she has an older brother she is very close to doesn't seem to dilute her "pinkiness". In fact she kind of "girly-fied" everything boyish she learnt from irfan.

this morning was a fine example. irfan and I had a conversation abt cars when the pink obsessed lil makcik invited herself to the conversation.

Irfan: ibu, do you know that a Bugatti Veyron can go very fast?
Maybe faster than a Ferrari!

Ibu: is it? (although i seriously dunno how a Bugatti Veyron looks like!) My favourite car is still the mini

Alisha: ibu, do you know that my favourite car is a pink LAMBORGHINI!

Pink lamborghini???!!! My jaw dropped. Mana ajer dia dengar! My bet is irfan must have talked about the different kinds of cars with her. I don't really know how a lamborghini exactly looks like so I made her repeat it twice n then I googled 'pink lamborghini' and here's what I found:




Wah sey!!!!!! There is indeed a pink lamborghini! I oso want!!

The next time any 2 year old girl says her favourite car is a pink high speed sports car, most likely she has a big brother:)

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I wish upon a star

I wish upon a star
That a sleeping giant will wake
to see the pleas of a tiny being
who has always encouraged his slumber

I wish upon a star
That a good deed be recognised
That a good moment be rejoiced
In the name of someone you love

I wish upon a star
That a sacrifice be made
For HIM, above anyone else
For a wife who has always been there

I wish upon a star
That one's dream may come true
For only if HE wills,
the hopeful can be there,
InsyaAllah

Learning not to regret, knowing that the paths are laid for reasons greater than our limited comprehension.