Irfan is turning 8 mths tomorrow. his 8 mths have been jam packed with modules after modules of achieving one development after another. I realize babies are really busy beings; so much skills to learn, to perfect. and the amazing thing is we dunt have to teach them anything, just sit back, provide a conducive but guided environment and beamed in pride and excitement over their accomplishments.

before i start forgetting all these; here's a recap:


At 1 mth old. So tiny and definitely immobile.


At 3 mths. Started turning over. The beginning of his mobility and disappearing acts.The ceiling is no longer his only view. Now the floor will be his new fascination.


At 4 mths. Lifts chest of ground. On all fours, butt moving forward and backward but still stationary. Glides using stomach and legs to move around.
Gets stuck everywhere and end up at the oddest of places.


At 5mths. Irfan started crawling. So did all of us. shadowing behind him, shouted in alarm at the slightest signal of him going to fall forward, faced squashed to the ceramic tiles. he mastered it soon after, as we panted to keep up, especially irfan's grannies.


At 5 mths still, started sitting up without support. Finally, got a view of his toys and the world around him from a different perspective.






At 6mths, he sat and crawled confidently. starting pulling himself up to stand. and his cot shrinked into half as he realised he has indeed grown into a little giant. captivated by the new view from his cot.

ok let's try a lil video here...
watch for ureself how irfan laughs..
premiering nur irfan alim in video; moving and alive, laughing like a drunken hyena for a full 1 minute.





apparently, he finds a bean bag fallling from my dad's head very funny. an old man, balancing a bean bag on his head, then repeatedly nodding his head to make the bean bag fall...yeah that's pretty hilarious!

Blue

"When I'm feeling blue,




All I have to do...


Is take a look at YOU...







..then I'm not so blue..."

Silly pics.

Totally forgot about these pics till my bro asked to see them.

Irfan the furry rabbit


Irfan the horseback rider "Yeeeehaaah"


Irfan being eaten by a lion. "Help!Help!"


Irfan was still up at 12 am, marvelling over the majestic Mustaffa centre. It must have seemed like the whole universe to that lil mind of his. So much to see, plenty to process and he was pretty much game for anything.
More about that nite here.

Last week was a really busy week.
Too much to tell, but i dunt have the luxury of time now, so the pics will do the talking.

International Friendship Day was celebrated with much fanfare, balloons, confettis and mega carnival.
Tara Andrews walked in class with a long rifle and the most adorable cowgirl costume evr.


The New Zelandander cowgirl in my class.
Can't resist a picture with her.


Gadis Melayu and Gadis Lembu


The rest of the motley crew. From all over the globe...

But the highlight of last week, was the SYF Malay dance Competition. We brought back the Gold. I'm really proud of the students who showed determination and confidence.
All the hard work paid off after all.



Things like these made me remember why i join the teaching profession in the first place. It's all about the irritating but undeniably adorable kids. They are the only reason which make my work a lot more enjoyable.

Yep its him. And he will eat for a copy of Wallpaper*.

Sometime in the future



My parents must have felt like how i do now. It was them in the picture many years ago. Im beginning to see things which i didnt before.
Loving your child too much can be detrimental. But u just cant help it.
In your eyes, you want to believe your child is the smartest, the cutest, the brightest. Even the critic that I am.
You hope for the greatest things for your child.
It's every parent's wish to see their child succeed in life.

I understand now why some parents cover up their child's flaws even when its so obvious to others.
I understand too why most parents brag about their child. I might be guilty of that too.

I cant imagine how heartbreaking it must feel, when your child grows up to be what you fear most.

You would probably look back and think of pictures such as these...
and probably still look at him in the same doting way,
no matter what or how he turned out to be...
and no matter what others say, be it society, professionals or kpo neighbours and relatives.

In the end, you'd believe what you want to, even if it is the furthest from the truth.

Belle of the Ball

We were sitting around, listening to songs when he said tis song's for me...

"You tried to be polite,
thinking you were right,
only to find you're unkind

but ironically,
You will always be
belle of the ball,
At least to me"
-Symmetry by Mew

when he said the song's for me, i laughed out loud.
go read the lyrics again.
Flattery peppered with some ugly truth.
nuthing typically sweet which a typical husband dedicates to his beloved wife.
but then again, thats him.
but im smiling anyway, more like laughing out loud.
coz yeah, its so very true, i gotta give it to him. bulls eye.
thats me. trying my best to be polite but cant hide the fact that im evil to him on most days.
i always think im right. yep no doubt about that.
he noes me best. yes i cant hide.

and thats him, at least to him, im the belle of the ball,
despite all else.
ironic, cupid must have been blind.
and thank god for that.

a song like that for me just makes me wanna punch the guy and hug him all at the same time.

but i think i noe which i'd rather do...;)

The life of a Sinagporean working mother

My mind is occupied by tiny bits and pieces of incoherent thoughts. I think it is time to rant. i'm too lazy to think through things and write in pretty sentences. so i shall just type what comes to mind, at this minute, this second. it will be confusing, im sure. it will be long. im certain.

i wonder why is it i spend 90% of my time, energy, brain cells, emotion on something less important. Maybe I am saying this because i have no passion in what im doing. Maybe Im saying this because I have found a new love. and it is NOT my job. i wake up every morning as if im yanked out of bed, walk to a certain place, complete certain tasks, go home, my mind still bogged by work and sees nothing else. Im not happy with this arrangement of my life but im not sure how to change it. Irfan is not even schooling yet but it makes me wonder how i'm going to be a good parent at this rate im going. how do u working mothers do it? im sure something or someone is shortchanged. Most of the time its probably ourselves. i know, i would get through the days. i noe i will. but i am not sure if im happy with just getting through the days.

there should be more to life than being a proficient juggler.

Maybe i dunt like my job. maybe i dunt like certain areas of my job. maybe i dunt like the place where im working. maybe im just being lazy. maybe i expect everything to come easy.

or like always, maybe im thinking too much.

almost all working mothers go through this, so why am i complaining?

but all i do noe is work is taking too much of my time. work is also invading too much of my thoughts. i lay in bed at night and im thinking about work. higher pay equates to higher responsibility, more headache that spills over at home, eats up on your family time. and i dunt think i want to spend the rest of my life that way.
we all agree that family is the most important, our top most priority. but why is it that on the average weekday, i spent 11 hours of my day working and maximum 8 hours of sleeping, so what does that leave me? 5 waking hours each day to spend with the husband n irfan. dat is if he is still awake. that's pretty sad isnt it? im pretty sure, many working parents are also in the same shoes.

i've heard it so many times.
some of us r too busy that we dunt even have time to reflect and think about all those time that have passed at work. its just an automatic mechanism in us. to go work. get back from work. look into our kids n husband's needs and continue the routine tomorrow. yes i noe im lucky to have a husband who does the housework and takes care of irfan better than me. im ever thankful for that. but the point im making is not about the lack of time and energy for houswork (I dunt even want to go there) but the lack of LIBERTY to have more ENJOYABLE time with our own family.

and enough talk about QUALITY TIME with the family, pls. when u dunt even have the time in the first place, when your bodies are tired and your mind is still thinking about work, what QUALITY time do you want to talk about?!

and so its back to juggling. back to how well u can juggle before one of the balls hit you and you fall flat on your face. and see everything which you've tried all these years to keep in the air, hit the floor one by one. and guess who gets the blame? YOU. for being a poor juggler. for not being able to educate your kids with the right morals. for letting your kids slipped. when all you have been doing your whole life was trying your best to KEEP UP!

i noe im looking at it from the most depressing perspective.

but watever it is, i noe i will get used to these. i know one day it will all be so routined that i will be too tired to complain. N i worry for that day. i worry that one day i will see this routine as just HOW LIFE IS. coz i dunt think this is how i want it.

if i have a choice i wouldnt want it this way. wait a minute i DO have a choice. everyone does.

but over here, in this sunny island, our choices are pretty much very limited.

but the question is, am i brave enough to make THAT choice?

and at what expense?

China Boy turned Shaolin Monk

i'm losing my enthusiasm to give my best in my work lately, and so i shall refrain from talking about work and other unhappy things. coz i'd rather talk about the boy who is always in my mind.

i dunt think i have mentioned here before that irfan had been shaved clean a couple of weeks back. he had flakes on his scalp and shaving it off did help. besides i was curious to see how he looked bald. seconds after all his hair fell from his head, i missed him with hair and regretted my decision a lil bit.

but of course, he was oblivious to what his parents had done to his image.
coz despite looking like the Shaolin monk,



he was still as chirpy as ever.



irfan can't be left alone these days. put him down, and barely a few minutes later, he will end up at a different place. he has learnt to turn over and back, and inch himself forward or more like sideways. put him on the stinky, thin Hello Kitty matress and soon he'll end up.......


"Erm..i have no idea how i got here EITHER. Are you angry with me?"

on the floor, with hands either underneath the TV console or the sofa, looking as puzzled as I am as to how he got there.

so i have to be extra vigilant now. the other day, his hand got stuck in between the pillowcase. i dunt know how long its been there before i heard him screaming. only to see him stuck and struggling.



look at his left hand. tsk. macam manalah boleh termasok kat situ.

my parents are back and so it was time for my MIL to return home and pass the lil one back to my mum.



i think he missed her.
but im sure she misses him more.

and oh, for more photos and irfan antics, you might want to visit the site that irfan's uncle, paman Hakim, had created for him. go here. For the most part, it is like an update of what irfan was up to when i was at work. I was surprised to see it too.

till later...

Remnants of my smile

CNY. a much welcomed break. time to breathe again. the past weeks have come and gone like a flash of lightning. wake up in the morn, rush to work, deliver irfan then work work work and then 6pm comes and its time to fetch irfan, eat dinner at MIL's place and soon its 8pm and we head home. just to sleep. before we know it, its morning again and the routine repeats.

i can count the number of waking hours i actually spend with irfan on weekdays. its too little. i worry, he'll forget about me. im sad when someone else tells me what he likes and doesnt like to do. shouldnt i be the person who knows him best? he used to cry for my exclusive arms when he wants to fall asleep at night, others' just wouldnt do. but now, my arms are not really sought after anymore and he has learnt to fall asleep with someone else. it should be a good thing shouldn't it? at least i can rest a bit more now, rite? but im feeling sad instead.

oh well, i guess all working mothers go through this at some point. AND i also know that if i stay home and look after my kids 24/7, i'd probably tear my hair out and find something to complain about too.

work is ok. the new place is orite, i guess. DIFFERENT. in some ways better. in other ways, id rather be at my old place. colleagues r frenly but i wished i had more opportunities to mix n mingle with them at the staffroom. the HOD room where im sitting is as quiet and cold as a mortuary. in there, we work like the living dead anyway. very minimal conversation and mild laughter. just work work work.

aside from the picnic morrow, i think id pretty much spend the holidays with irfan and him, at HOME, doing absolutely NUTHING. dats what i need now.

and i noe the routine will come much too soon.

i wonder how will things be if i live in sweden?


night and day, night and day,
soon id be old and grey,
wondering where my life had gone...

Irfan and his car seat.

Irfan has a favourite companion to keep him company in his car seat.



this is him....



Ti-Bear
(some say its a Tiger, some say its a bear. so his uncle akim calls it Ti_bear)
They have a love hate relationship.
irfan likes telling him stories after stories.



Good times...
"Mak kita nak bawak kita jalan jalaaaann. smalam pun kita jalan pegi tengok toys. but u r still my favourite, ok."



Bad times..
" Mak kita nak bawak kita jalan jalan. Awak tak leh ikut...menyampah..Eleh, so what if awak colourful and cute. tak tanya pon! "



when he's really fed up, he ignores Ti-Bear and looks out of the window

that's pretty much what he does in the car.

this is my second entry of the day, with many many pictures some more. i think u can tell im very bored.
after tomorrow, i wont have the luxury to do all these anymore.
my hands will be full. I'll have 45 kids to love. (yes. forty-FIVE! what kind of class is that, anyway? is it even possible to teach?)

The Beach

sun was out yesterday.
did the laundry.
took a walk at the beach.




come next wed, im back at work.
n i bet i wont have those smiles plastered across my face that much anymore.
great.

Irfan's aqiqah

this is what irfan was up to on the wet hari raya haji.
irfan did his aqiqah.



irfan waiting for his name and number to be called.


what's the funny smell??

sheep number 100 and 101 for mr nur irfan.




doing what we came for.




he seems pretty pleased with his dad's performance.


good job, ayah! but i could have done it too if only u would let me.
i'd hold the knife real tight. like this!

back home. wonder who will be the lucky one to be given this part of the sheep.



happy eating.

Something about Nuthing

its 2am now and im hungry. i cant seem to fall asleep, maybe coz i had a good nap in the afternoon while irfan was having HIS nap. been spending lots of time at the in laws, with the in laws so i havent been doing much housework around here. had some kind of plan to do some cooking (yeah..its about time) since my parents are away. tot it be a good opportunity to learn to work the stove a bit. BUT, since we are forever at his mum's place these days, i didnt get my chance to test my culinary skills. so, its not coz im lazy this time, OK.

i realized that i can spend hours n hours at Parkway. its like i always end up going shop after shop when im there. there's mothercare, kiddy palace, isetan (inside which there's tons of clothes, baby's stuff, mango, lots lots more), MPH, ness, lots of food, shoes, now there's even mphosis, topshop, warehouse....
but i just wish they have a better nursery room. like the one at taka.
and there's no particular rhyme or reason why im writing this.

i have nuthing much to say here, really. just wanted to bore myself to sleep.
irfan is sound asleep, so is the man of the house.

i like how my room looks from where im sitting here, on the bed, with the laptop on my lap, as i semi lie down with the dim yellow light from the lamp on the dresser.

i like how irfan's mobile on his cot is slowly turning rite now, as its being blown gently by the fan.

i miss my parents.

<Aftermath of sending the parents...

They camped at my place after sending my parents off to the airport at 2am.
And this is what happens if a 3 yr old is still up at at 3am.



A sudden burst of energy.

*************************************************************

I pray my grandpa will pull through unscathed.

i end 2005 with many thanks.
It was a year full of changes and significant milestones in my life.
It was packed with blessings after blessings.
It has brought me countless sweet memories.
I would say, 2005 was a year all about growing up for me.

It has been a great year, indeed.

i had a picture in my mind when i was little.
now, im adjusting to this picture being an actual reality.
life has been more than just good.
although i've always imagined the worst.
and im glad im proven wrong time n time again.

I wont recap all that has happened.
The events were far too significant and sweet for me to ever forget them.
and its for me to cherish and to reminisce.

come next year, i hope to be a better wife.

and like every year, i only wish for ONE thing for the coming year.

GOOD HEALTH,
for me and all my loved ones.

with good health, i can pretty much work for the rest of everything.

may 2006 bring as much joy and more.

happy new year.

with a tinge of sadness, i emptied my table at the good ol school. i got to admit that im gonna miss the place, including all its irritating antics like the 4th floor staffroom, the faulty aircon and the never working computers and printers.
its not so much coz its a school without flaws but more because of its familiarity.
most of all im gonna miss my colleagues whom have become my wonderful frens.
i will miss the nicknames, the gossips. i will miss ban mian.
i leave with a somewhat heavy heart.

but well, life has to go on. new beginnings at a far away place where some things r the same and somethings r unpleasantly different. i havent got the chance to really work with anyone so i have not really got the whole feel of the school. but i do feel genuinely welcomed by the friendly staff which was largely dominated by young, energetic faces. good? bad? i dunno. will see...

so it turns out, im not going to school for another 2 weeks. why? i still have 10 days of my maternity leave. initially my intention was to take those ten days later, as and when i like before irfan turns 6 mths. but apparently, HOD/IT will be away for DDM course 2 weeks from now for 6 mths. dat means i will have to cover his duties on top of my own and im not allowed to take my leave after he leaves for the course. so im kinda forced to take it now. im not quite happy with this arrangement but what to do....new pple canoot be choosy. cannot ask too much. must always say yes. yes. yes.

and one other thing i hate, is not being able to meet the pupils first week of school. i cant lay down the all important ground rules and get everything settled.
im gonna be one blur queen when school actually starts for me.

to make everything worst, im allocated a table in the HOD room downstairs, away from the rest of the teachers. i've never liked this arrangment especially now that im new to the school, coz its pretty hard to get to know pple when u r not sitting in the same room with them. so i forsee minimal interaction. how am i ever going to get to know anyone?! sitting with the heads would usually mean a lot of talk about work coz thats all we ever do!

it doesnt look rosy for now. so i hope for better days when school really kicks off for me.

for now, adieu TWPS. adieu. u will always be in my heart...

yesterday, this lil yoda turned 3 mths.



that was irfan, a few hours after he made his way out. his hair very up to date eh? not too bad for dried blood as hair gel.

now that he's 3 mths, this is what he can do.

Ready, Set, Go!




he can fit into his jeans now. SUPER! now, he can look like mini alim, without the pampers of coz. cant wait for him to fit into the rest of his 3-6mths clothes.

he enjoys screaming and squealing in delight. very, very loud. almost piercing. my mum said its coz when i was conceiving him, i like to shout n scream while teaching.

???????!!!!!!!!!!

yes mother, u r ever-so-wise.

anyway, enuf of me blabbering. let the pics do the talking.

My China Boy




how can i leave that face to go to work next mth? sigh....
boy, dunt grow up too fast orite.
i dunt want to miss a thing.

these days when she wakes up, there's no more sunshine to greet her. all there is, are gloom and overshadowed clouds. the heat, the nagging heat is always there within her.
sumthing has changed and she's not quite sure what it is. its like someone has took a card amidst a nicely arranged deck of cards and the equilibrum has crumbled.
she feels misunderstood but mostly irrelevant and replacable.
the sun has refused to rise on her side these days. always away from her as she looks on to the lighted faces of those that didnt need her to be around. she stayed behind the shadows where darkness embrace her and she is not seen and therefore forgotten.
she steps out once in a while to try to be in the light, but ended up being misunderstood. there's a negative sign on her forehead that speaks to others before she does. and so whatever she said dint matter coz its never right.
and so she will retreat to a familiar place. a place she tot she had left behind many many years ago. a place out of boundaries to others coz no one would ever bother to break down the steel door, brave the thundering storm JUST to save her, find not a princess but just HER at the other side of the door.

The Project called LIFE

ok this is a long entry. n its basically just about my mindless thoughts.

i remembered last year when i was sitting in exco meeting and my mind started to wander.
the thought came back to me as i was putting irfan to sleep just now.
the meeting was on ranking the teachers and i remembered thinking how similar this ranking process is to LIFE.

we ranked teachers based on their performance throughout the entire year. so if they are given more projects, they have more opportunities to show their capabilities. if they do well in these projects, they will be ranked higher. for eg, oh so n so have done well in the fund rasing project, so lets give him a B.

for new teachers, its really the supervisors responsibilities to guide them throughout these projects. they are given easier ones. and if these new teachers do well, it reflects well on the supervisors and hence a better grade for the supervisors too.

isnt this life too?

when we were young, it is our parents reponsibilities to guide us. we r their projects. their reponsibilities. if we were to grow up somehwat decent, it reflects well on our parents n they would have scored some kind of grade with God. hmmm..not quite sure about HIS magnificient grading system. All i noe is, its definitely 100% just n fair.

then we grow up, and our projects get a lil harder n harder. then again its up to HIM to decide on our projects n its level of difficulties. so, we have the teenager project, the working adult life project, the marriage project (which we are allowed to do in pairs), the birth project, the parenthood project, the growing old project, etc. basically our rites of passage. if we r lucky, HE will give us those projects n more. coz the more projects we have, the more opportunities we have to show our capabilities. if we do it well of course.

so each day, is a challenge to do each project well, so that we can get into God's good books. so that we will be HIS pet worker whom HE loves dearly. just like the boss in the office. except HE is a zillion times MORE worth sucking up to. we hope HE will lovee us enough to guide us through these projects HE has given us.

and when we do well n HE is convinced by our capabilities, HE will give us even more projects n tougher ones. probably that 'cancer' project, 'long suffering illness' project. Just like in school, we will always tell the teachers, " when we give u a project, never see it as a burden. Projects are really opportunities for u to perform. The tougher the project is, and if u do it well, the better ure grade will be. So dont complain. We only give tough projects to the best, those whom we r convinced can handle em. B thankful u have the opportunity to show ure capabilities. so show it."

see wat i mean by it being the same as life?
(but be careful though. some leaders say the above to u n mean it. others say it just to arrow u to do more work!!)

now lets talk about the marriage project. its the project im going thru rite now. i m glad God gave me this project coz i get to do it in pairs. better still, i get to choose my partner for this lifetime project. i see it, as my partner n me, helping each other to do this project well, so that the BIG boss favours us and we r in HIS good books. like all partners in any project, each has a role to play. so if each does it well, the project can go smoothly. dats why its important to choose our partners well. a partner who shares the purpose of the project. yes, like everyone, we want that good grade. sometimes we r not sure how to go bout certain parts of the project, so we upgrade, attend courses n seek advice n guidance from the BIG boss HIMself. after all, HE knows all. HE knows best. we learn from our mistakes. we can only work together n help each other up to a certain point. after which each of us are graded based on our individual roles. so while we r together, why not help each other and make it easier for each of us to perform our roles. HE gave us LOVE to start up our project. the rest is up to us.

n then we have the parenthood project. this one, we are to do in groups. now, we are the leaders of the group. n hence it is up to us to brief our members (children) of their roles so that the project can again continue smoothly. they r our responsibilities now. n how they perform reflect on us.

alim, irfan n me. it has been written that they r my team members for the tasks we have in this temporary world. finally i get to see their faces. insyallah, the team will get bigger. but for a fact, some members will have to depart sooner than others. i must never forget, that while we have time together, we have a purpose which is bigger than life itself. with love linking us all, i hope it will be easier, exciting and satisfying.

i just pray the projects HE chose to give me in my short stint in this world would not be too tough for me. And if HE deems me fit for tougher projects, may HE gives me the strength, determination n patience to see through the project.

N besides, in schools, we always promote the teachers who have completed many many projects successfully. So, i believe life is such too. The ability to handle hardhips will hopefully promote u to the next level with ALLAH.

ok dats all for my thoughts. im sure u can imagine how freeee i am now, to be thinking about stuffs like these.

man, its december already. n wat will come next? JANUARY! the dreaded month, coz it means my supposedly loooooong maternity leave is over. technically, including the holidays, i have had about 4 mths break n seriously, to me its just not enuf. guess, it will NEVER be enuf.

as it is, rite now, i have to get my momentum going slowly coz i sure dunt feel like working at all. heck, i dunt even know wats going on anymore. my VP called just now asking for my work review and there i was scratching my head. how the heck do i do my work review? i have forgotten everything! man oh man.

i really need to be back in school urgently to submit my work review and to finally face up to all the mess that i have left behind. i've shuffed all these tasks into the back of my minds for way too long and now i just cant run anymore. time is catching up on me. i really have to start packing all my stuffs in school; stuffs on my table, in the cupboard, under my table, on the shelves around my table. shucks, where do i start? how many trips must i make and where do i chuck all the piles of rubbish that ive accumulated for the past 4 years in that school. there ARE tons and tons of rubbish, though right now i cant remmember WHAT they are or WHERE they are placed.i think i need boxes. PLENTY of boxes and another extra month, or better still, another extra YEAR for me to pack up all my things! heck, i cant even remember how my table looks like now. I've shut out these unpleasant memories since i took my leave.

sigh..BUT wat needs to be done has to be done. think i'll do it morrow. oh no no, i have the flu and i forsee a lot of dust flying around when i start clearing up. mybe next week? but i was thinking of going somewhere for a while. maybe the following week?

yeah, maybe. if health permits. if the husband, irfan, the time, the mind, the will permits.

ok this is gonna be a long entry..

we went to a wedding yesterday. saw the bride n groom looking all nice on the dais. looking at them, we couldnt help reminiscing about a year ago when we ourselves were sitting up there, in a state of disbelief that we were indeed MARRIED. the overwhelming sight of our loved ones coming to see no one else but US. the pretty clothes, the never ending smiles, the flashing cameras.
most of all, the anticipation of living our lives together.

after all, that was EXACTLY a year ago.

we turned ONE yesterday.

it wasnt a typically romantic day, but surprisingly we were high over the moon. there was no fancy schmancy dinner, no checking into any hotels, no stamping of passports.
oh, but we did have a gd breakfast though. the man with the culinary skills prepared me these...



well ok, ok, when i said 'prepared', i didnt mean COOK. he basically arranged the utensils and food in a nice presentable way. u noe lah, these people doing food n nutrition. presentation.presentation.presentation,

so with irfan as our witness, we rekindled our vows in between our ever so romantic breakfast; Macdonalds in our own home.

i think he approves huh?



and so the day began.

the day was about this n dat, too lazy to elaborate.

fast forward to the night. we went to M nasir's concert. since we got the tixs only hours before the concert, we got the topmost circle seats and there were not many pple up there. so that means we were pretty much alone to shout, scream, karaoke, kiss kiss in the dark. basically watever we want to do lah. n the thing about esplanade concert hall is that no matter where u sit, it always sounds just as good. to my delight, he played a lot of old songs, even Search's Meniti Titian Usang, "Saaambutlah tangan ku kawan, aku takut tenggelaaam.."heh.

n then in the middle of sitting there, listening to M Nasir, WHAM! I felt it. i have almost forgotten how it feels.

his arms (my husband's not M Nasir's laaa) accidentally brushed against mine and i felt strange.
its like the 'first time' tinklling feeling. u noe ure FIRST FEW DATES before u held hands, but want to, the feeling u get when he speaks close to u or when u sit in a movie n ure arms accidentally brushed a lil against each other. ya that feeling. im sure all of u noe wat im talking about. i guess when we r with someone forever and already married, even though u love the person to bits, u dunt get this constant high everyday. the high of a first date is just different, no? i think the combi of M Nasir, the concert hall, the darkness n the comfortable seats helped to kick in the right hormones.

n towards the end of the concert, as if reading my mind, he said to me, "I missed Irfan" i said me too n we just couldnt wait to be home. Then afterwards, it being our anniversary and us trying to be romantic, we decided to take a walk by the river. we tried our best to get in the mood, holding hands n wanting to talk about how we loove each other so. but before we knew it, we were talking endlessly about irfan, his smile and his poo.

n then we looked at each other and we knew, home was where we really wanted to be. there's a lil being there that will give us a better night than a walk down esplanande.

so we went home and spent the nite lying on our stomachs, on our bed, hands cupped under our chins as we gazed at irfan sleeping soundly in his cot.

awww...."look at the tiny face;" he said softly so as not to wake him.
"so peaceful, isnt he cute?" i hushed back.

and so we went on n on like dat till we fell asleep.

so much for a romantic anniversary celebration.

n the next morning, i said, "hey, we forgot to give each other presents"

to which he replied, "There, there's our present rite there.." *points to irfan*

we r obsessed. yes we know. Is this even NORMAL?

N i have a lil worry here. Am i suppose to give him the same present for next year's anniversary too?

*gasps*

A drive to yesterday

irfan has fallen into a nite routine. he sleeps at around 9pm and wakes up at 4 am for his feed. That makes it much easier for us to plan our nites.

so tonite, we left him at home n told my mum just to keep an eye on him since he wouldnt likely wake up. went for supper and a lil drive. remembered our younger days. drove past East Coast and i realized I'vegrown afraid of the dark, dense trees. Wanted to rekindle some old moments but we have a more comfortable place now. Drove past Changi and took some moments to watch planes. i remembered that time one nite when we circled the area plenty of times to catch different planes land and take off. i was never good at recognising them planes. i just like seeing the planes fly low directly above me. reminds me that they r huge and not just mere dots flying across the sky. maybe someday, we will bring irfan there.

the best part is, i had my choice of songs for the nite. after all that white piece of gadget has all the songs we will ever need.i found out some of the songs i used to like, i come to dislike now. i wonder why...

we drove to my new school. its not exactly near but i have a straight bus there. the area is all too familiar. an area i like a lot. remind me of my 'green' days and my stint at AMP. i remembered how i feel during my morning stroll from the bus stop to school, clad in the green pinafore and walkman accompanying me. next year, i will take the same bus i did when i was in sec sch, going through the same route. this time looking at all the students, replicas of how i used to be. but no more walkmans of coz, just IPODs in their hands, with their most expensive bags. i bet they won't be carrying Eastpac or Umbro bags.

i can see that field and the old banyan tree. i wonder if the lil ghostly spirit still lingers around the tree.

so now im tired. but not so sleepy. maybe i'd go disturb irfan for a lil bit and make him take his milk earlier tonite.

or should i disturb his sleeping dad instead?

Good night, my love...

I wish i could fit irfan in my bag.

Qistina.
The quirky one.

There's no time like this time.

i finally got to quench my thirst to shop. its been quite a while now. and i was in need of new clothes since my old ones are way too tight now. i was totally dismayed when i tried my fav jeans and it got stuck at my hips and refused to go any further up. i couldnt wear any of my pants except for one. and all my tops makes me look like im wearing a bodysuit which i can't breathe in. Sigh..totally didnt expect this.

so with irfan in tow, we went to town to get me some clothes. we showed irfan the stretch of town where we used to tawaf for as long as i could remember. of course irfan was too preoccupied with his never ending sleep and couldnt care less about our stories.

i must remember that he is only turning 2 mths. now that we have bought him a car seat and his grandparents have given him a stroller, we r so tempted to bring him everywhere we go. now that the husband is having his holidays till january and im still on maternity leave till january, the 3 of us got more than a mth to spend a lot of time together and we are itching to go here and there. besides, i had enough of staying at home for almost a mth due to my confinement.

heh. this writing space had been so much about irfan. pardon me, i spend 24 hours of the day with him. even when i do go out, id bring him along. so there's not much to write about anything else at the moment.
maybe when sch begins next year, id write about the 'excitement' of working in a new environment, new colleagues, new management n the life of a working mother. yikes. for now i just want to enjoy the company of irfan n the husband in a stress free state of mind.
with them around me every day, with nothing to attend to, freedom to go anywhere, no work to do and money coming in, life is good.
even though its only temporary. till work beckons and stress resuscitated.
heck, for now, there is no time like this time. :)

Irfan, if only u knew, how u make me feel...

I can't quite describe the joy he has brought to our lives. Its too great, its beyond my limited vocabulary. So far, nuthing beats this feeling.
All, I can say is, this raya was indeed very special and truly unforgettable.
I once said that I could never have been happier.
But boy, was I wrong.

Betul Ke Ni?

so this year raya, i don't think i can even recognise myself.

WHY?

because...

this year, for the FIRST time we would be celebrating raya
as HUSBAND and WIFE.

this year, for the FIRST time, we would be celebrating raya
in our OWN HOME

and this year for the FIRST time, we would be celebrating raya
with OUR NEWBORN SON

did all these happen within LESS than a year?
all THREE at one go?!!
getting married, a place of our own and a son?!!

i mean it was just last year raya that i was this scrawny lil girl, ikut parents jalan raya, jalan lenggang lenggang kangkong, belum kahwin, takde rumah, and tak terpikir LANGSUNG pun pasal anak! dat was me last raya.. and then this year..

i mean we didnt do it in stages. we didnt take a year to do each. we took a year to do ALL.

didnt think that SOO much can change between last raya and this year.
but all are welcoming changes, no less.
and we are ever thankful for that.
just that im feeling a lil weird.
EVERYTHING is different.
so weird.
so so weird.
so so VERY weird.

My Lil Yoda





sometimes he cries. sometimes he smiles. always he frowns. seldom he burps. always he's hungry. often he sleeps. sometimes he gurgles. sometimes he coos. sometimes he farts. often he feeds. too often he shits.

Father and Son

Eversince, lil Irfan was in my womb, his dad has been talking to him every night. When he arrived into the world, he seem to be able to recognise that voice. Whenever his dad speaks to him, he will look at him and listen attentively.
They have a special bond. And i enjoy watching them.


he wouldn't let his dad's finger go.


sleeping soundly on his dad. sampai mulut ternganga nganga!


he was only 1 week old when this was taken. and he has already taken after his dad's sleeping position.amazing!


Lil irfan in his dad's arms. He loves looking right into the camera. Fascinated by cameras too, aye?

Alhamdulillah,
The little boy has arrived into our arms safely on the 20th September 2005, exactly a week after his mum's birthday.
He didnt give his mum a very hard time, though the pain was something I have never felt before. Nor will i forget it.
I started feeling contractions at 12 am. It was mild, just a lil worst than menstrual cramps. It was more than 20 mins aprt so husband and me strted writing down and timing my contractions.
we didnt sleep the whole nite. By 5.30 am, it was 10 mins aprt so we packed our stuffs and left for the hospital.
By the time we reached, i was 3cm dilated and the doc broke my water bag.
By 7am, i was put in labour ward. I was 4 cm dilated. They started putting a drip and timing my contractions. By then, it was 3 mins aprt. The pain got worst of course, but there was nuthing much to do but bear with it.
They said they dunt think i need epidural coz they saw me smiling and talking but only if they knew how bad it was.
Husband was there all along, feeding me ice and comforting me. I think that played a huge part.
Then, the pain got more intense, and coming close together. I tried the gas and husband put it on me but i didnt like it.
I told husband to ask the nurse how dilated I am coz I have this urgency to push.
So she checked and I was 9CM!!. Finally!!! So she said I could push. By then it was around 12.30pm. Husband and the nurse directed me when to push and told me that they could see his head!!!
Soon doc mariamma mamma came and helped me to push. It seems like the longest time but husband's encouragement and his hand holding up my neck to push really made me strong. He was excitedly telling me how he could see the head and told that it was a bit more.
By 1.11pm, the lil boy was out into the world and all my pain suddenly disappeared.
He is 3.74kg. yes, he is huge.
He was put into my arms and the lil one opened his eyes and looked at me!!! How could we not cry?! The nurse put him on my breast and amazingly he could latch on.
While doc mariamma mamma did my stiches, all husband and me could do was stare at the lil one. And he stared right back at us! I didnt feel a thing when she did the stiches. Soon it was all over and we got into our ward.

I think i had it fairly easy this time. Labour wasnt too long and there was no complications and i could bear the pain. It wasnt because i was strong but it must have been all the never ending doas and constant prayers from my loved ones that did it for me.
And of coz, for the hand that held me throughout labour and the voice that kept encouraging me. My husband has always been and will always be my pillar of strength.

Wow a super long entry. So there it goes...
The story of the birth of Nur Irfan bin Muhd Nur Alim.

today is my due date and at 12 am this morning, i had a bloody show. it wasnt once, im still having it once in a while. very diluted blood,pinkish and it means that the mucus plug is out. that's a sign of the first stages of labour. but it doesnt mean im going into labour anytime soon. it might take 24 hours or even a few days. ceh!
i remembered doc mariamma mamma telling me that i dunt have to go to KK if there's blood. she said its perfectly NORMAL (her favourite word) I would only have to go if my contractions are 10 mins apart or my water bag is broken.

sounds easy but, for a first timer like me, identifying contractions itself might be a challenge and sometimes you are not sure if your water bag is broken coz it can varies from trickling to gushing of water. all i noe is i havent felt any pain at all, just very diluted blood that im having. doc mariamma mamma better be rite about not having to go KK.

so looks like the waiting game shall continue....i have 4 more days till they induce me. guess, we'll just have to wait and see.

Baby, pls meet me soon.

2 days left to my due date and still no pain at all. Doc mariamma mamma has set me up for an appointment next thursday to be induced if the baby is still not out yet. so im browsing the net rite now, reading up on the various methods of induction.

and here's what i found:
one method requires a tablet called pessaries containing prostaglandin gel to be inserted in the cervix (ouch?). might take a few days to take effect. So i assume there will be a lot of waiting. They might insert the tablet a few times more and see what happens.
another way is they can also break your waters using a hooklike thing (ouch? ouch?) to stimulate contractions. Once the water is broken, it is supposed to cause contractions but there's chances of it not happening too.
And as a last resort they might put u on a syntocinon drip which contains oxytoxin, hormones to stimulate contractions. For this, the info said, when you do get the contractions, the pain can be much much worst than normal contractions and might last longer, depending on how your body reacts. most of the time, an epidural is needed in this case.
And of course, when all else fails, there's the caesearean.
and i heard from a fren that husbands are not allowed to be with you throughout the ordeal above. For me, that will be the worst part ever.

and then of course, the info said there's the 'self-induced' methods like sex, stimulating your nipples, curry and taking long walks. Those sounds better doest it? No harm trying is there? id try anything to get those contractions! so how many days is it to next thursday? Six? Not too far away..eeekks.

Well, guess i wouldnt know what will happen till it does. all i can say is, whatever means and pain i have to go through, i would definitely do it, for the sake of bringing this precious one into the world.
so wish me luck! :)

the lil babe is still happily inside me now. still deciding on his birthday agaknyer. Looks like he chose not to share the same birthday as me nor with a Britney Speares' s kid. (heard over the radio, he was born yesterday) if he is born near the expected due date, he'd be a virgo, just like me. (poor husband, have to handle 2 headaches now!) and just like his mummy here, agaknya dia pun fickle and always take too long to think. and maybe he also has that late coming trait going on. dat trait he would have inherited from the both of us, so not solely my fault lah.

so, i have a feeling this baby mite just be overdue. doc said if overdue, need to be induced. various ways of doing it, not quite sure how mariamma mamma wants to do it. today, during the appt we will find out. i hvae 3 days before the expected due date. but so far i havent felt any kind of pain at all. except for very very mild cramps, like those i get monthly. but other that dat and the strong wavelike movements of the baby (that always makes me feel like he's dropping out!) i dunt feel any form of contraction at all. Not even Braxton Hicks.

Well at least he didnt choose to come out on my birthday. The husband was keeping his fingers crossed caused he had been busy planning a lil something for me. Actually not a lil something lah, i tot it was a big something. Of course, he did it again. Surprise me with something totally unexpected and made me totally happy. Morning of my birthday, told me to pack my things.
actually sejak sejak dah pregnant, im so lazy to walk around, just want to lepak and lie down in a nice comfy place. and it was a very very hot day that day, 33 C or sumthing so i was hoping he wont take me outdoors or go walking around. My tiny feet just cant take the 15kg weight gain well anymore.

but i was still very, very excited lah, so far he has never let me down in making me happy, so i know this yr would be no diff. he always seems to know what i want and need. sometimes even before i could figure that out myself. and i was right, at the end of the 'surprise', i was all smiles! :)

think i will continue this entry in a while. truth is i forgot how to upload photos here. its been sooo long since i did that. so i better go get it figured first.

till the next entry soon...

Greetings earthlings, hello humans.
Song of choice: Exit Music for a Film, Radiohead.

There was a time in my life when writing provided ample solace and helped me make sense of the world. I lost that sense of solace because i found something (read: someone) more tangible, a personification of solacity. Here i am now, minus my black books, my notebooks, my scribbles of paper, returning to manifest my inner thoughts in a predominantly conTEXT format, in a land where many know, as the blogGG. It has been a long while since I really sat down and thought long and hard about things and it is now time to embrace introspection rather than retrospection.

Currently i am at a very interesting stage in life. Something peculiar, somewhat familiar. I never thought i would ever reach this stage in life. I can still hear clearly the voice of the teacher teaching the Primary 6 students above about the laws of physics and nature; more than often, daydreaming how interesting it'll be for me to learn P6 science. I can still feel the marvel i had upon seeing my cousin getting ready for school, so proud that he's finally wearing long pants. I dont remember reaching any of these stages in life; all i know is that, i passed them. Right now i embark on my journey into parenthood after twenty seven years of limbo, of wandering, getting tossed about, and finding myself and a wife and soon a kin in the process.

So it is like the whole symphony is buliding up for this one huge excitement. That one note that the whole orchestra is looking forward to, that one note that would bring a BANG in beethoven's symphony no. 9. That is the birth of my child. The rest will be just encores. I never thought i would be at this stage in life. Can somebody tell me if the baby comes with an instructional manual? Maybe raising arizona is a PBL (problem based learning) process. Maybe not so much of a problem as it'll be self fulfilling, but i would rather call it Play-based learning. LEarn on the job, some might say. We will just have to open our presents slowly i guess. I guess the apt song would be "She likes surprises" by soundgarden. And anything in wonderful disguises.

I think that i have lost a side of my life whereby the visual is the most apt form of expression for me. I find myself drawing less, and painting less. I draw more in my head, and thats only half good. Photography still continues to fascinate me but it does not provide sufficiently for expression. I am bad in photographing humans and there is so much i can do when i photograph the tangible. I want to find that side of my life that captures the intangibles, that turns expression into form. I hope to find that again in writing. I want to be able to express the things I cannot say to the unknown faces of people i hear in my head who i shouldnt listen to. Maybe writing isnt such a good idea afterall. At least in here. I am in a place now where finding catharsis and making sense of things is crucial to my sanity and person. The presence of a proper and unbiased confidante who understands the composite, if not complex me does take a substantial load off my chest, without making me feel the threat of intellectual atrophy (read:university)settling in looms large. For that i thank you. I thank Him for this day, twenty seven years ago, solacity was born. Happy Birthday.

the third person

the third person

she opened her eyes and like most days, saw him smiling down at her. dimples greeted her but she wasn't moved today. she's moody again. he wore her 4 watches and laughed. 2 on the right wrist and 2 on the the left. she didn't find it too funny.

she woke up midday and regretted not meeting the morning. it could have been a beautiful morning. she tot to herself; why is she feeling so tired and moody when everything is going well? it has been days. all she wants to do is be in bed the whole day. she wants to think its the changing hormones, perhaps an extra dose of progesterone and oestrogen. and not a reaction to what is coming in the future.

she wants the attention but he is not giving enough to her. maybe it would never be enough to her. maybe its not what she wants after all. she is such a fickle attention seeker these days.

she needs to grow up. she would in a couple of days. she has no choice.
maybe that's the reason.

all about she

all about she

she woke up feeling fine. the day seems promising. after all its saturday. but she was feeling tired and so her bed became her constant companion for the day.

she got up to do some laundry for the new extension and saw the rain came pouring soon after. as the weather became darker and the day grew older, so did her spirits.

she had a good breakfast but no lunch. he banged the door and she couldn't care less. anyway, there were no more places she really wanted to go. Nothing seems tempting enough to bring a smile on her face. or makes her heart race. Besides, her pockets are empty. nothing seems to be going right. she's looking for the attention that she will never get because someone has been so used to receiving and not giving.

the anger. the anger has been bulding, accumulating and soon to explode. she knows she won't hurt from the blast but someone else would. but not she. not she.

so its night and she's dragging her feet.

suddenly the day is over. and another 'promising day' begins.