The girl likes to be talked to and the boy just loves to TALK!
He's very happy to have a ready audience. She's always attentive when big brother is talking, smiling happily and cooing in response. Until....he starts smothering her with kisses or grabs her hand too hard, and she will start wailing and kicking him. And he will end up getting scolded. Thhen the whole cycle will repeat itself again. Everyday, this will happen, again and again like a broken record. Haiz...But i cant deny, I love watching them together. Will miss this when I get back to work:(

Here's Irfan trying to teach his adik to say 'Ayah', 'Nenek' and 'Atok' and some other stuff..

Reminder

I know that love is a powerful thing.
It can make me do things which I thought I am not capable of doing.
And everyone knows being loved is a wonderful feeling.
I dunno why he loves me. I dunno how our love was born when we started out as total strangers. i dunno why I love my kids so much, other than the fact that I gave birth to them. The love for them is so immense that my conscious mind thinks I can never live without them.
And yes, I will do anything for them.
Its easy to feel when I have a face to see, a smile to appreciate and a hand to hold.

But knowing that the face i see, the smile i appreciate, the hand i hold and all the love that I ever knew were all created by an even greater power, shouldnt it be much easier to put the greater power above all else? shouldnt my feelings be a million times more? even if the naked eyes cant see? even if my limited hands cant touch?
because this time its true, I can never live without that greater power.

But what have I done for the ultimate love that created all love?
What have I done for the ultimate love that created all love?

Why have I not done enough?
What is stopping me from being consistent?
WHat is stopping me from translating this love into actions?
WHy do I always forget?

When I know at the end of it all, these are the only actions that matter??
when I know this love is the only kind of love that prevails??

So I ask myself again,
What have I done for the ultimate love that created all love???!

Party, concert, CD and that rainy nite.
(basically, nothing important)

August should be kind of interesting. Other than the dreaded fact that id be going back to the madness call work. Theres that gathering for the two kiddos. Im not big on parties and crowd, but the lil boy loves them..i really have no idea where he gets his sociable side from. Anyway, i hope it would be fun for him, coz at four, he already gets this whole birthday party thingy. I have been putting off birthday parties involving more than my immediate family member coz im not sure if he understands it all, and more coz Im kinda lazy to plan them. But now that he's four, i think its the perfect time for a party, where he can help organise, enjoy himself and remember. Coz its a day to remember for him afterall, and not for us parents.

So this time, I have left all the details to that one and only family member who bothers so my job mostly is to keep tabs on budget. And Im intending to involve the lil boy in the planning and preparation for his party coz there's always a good learning experience in that and plus that whole sense of ownership thing. Besides, he does have his opinions on what his party should be like and what to include and exclude. My job is to organise all his messed up thoughts and all-over-the-place ideas.
So we'll see how that will turn out.

Other than that, there's Keane. (which reminds me, I havent bought the tixs). That should be fun, I hope coz im really in need of a good concert. The last concert I went to which left an unforgettable impression was definitely Coldplay.

Speaking of music, Zee Avi has been keeping me company these nights. For now, she's the chosen one for me, cause her voice, the jazzy pop music, the guitar and ukelele is calming and very very simple and clean. No strain in her voice, tunes just seemed to effortlessly roll out from her tongue. And simple is what I need right now. Listening to her probably help me entangle my stubborn mind? Hah! So thanks for the CD.

Other than that, I've been thinking about that night when it rained so hard and the all-too-familiar music came on and I had a vision of something. And then later at night, he told me of the exact same vision he had. How spooky was that? And i was also thinking of that night, when it was dark and crowded and he stopped to wait for me when everyone else just walked on basically coz no one else knew me.

So I say thanks for waiting for me amidst the crowd.
And most times, waiting for my slow mind to come to its senses.
The teen flick dvds Ive been renting have probably messed with my mind again. But this time, its probably what I need.

Nur Irfun-ny

So a few weeks back, Irfan brought home his latest artwork from school.
He came home and plonked this on my lap.




They call it the art potato cause the base is made of potato. They used raisins for eyes and mouth, and carrot for the nose.

So I asked him if his art potato has a name.
He said yes.
So whats his name, I asked.
Twiddling the artwork in his hand,
he replied.....
His name is Nur Potato Nur Chips.

I almost died laughing that day.

And if I could see the thought bubble emerging out from Irfan's lil head, it would probably say this, "Nak sangat semua nama ada 'Nur' kan; amek kau!"

:0

Lovely, lovely rainy morning.
Music, soft sheets and the four of us sprawled on the bed.

RAndom

Counting down the days to the end of my freedom. Give and take, I have slightly more than a month left. I try not to think about it and Im truly enjoying every minute I have with the three of them.
Its also great that Im able to catch up on the music, i missed that a lot. Been meaning to read, but knowing that soon I have to get back to work, Id rather be holding the brown bear than a book.
Ive been eating a lot, constantly hungry and looking for food. Im addicted to durians now, especially those that's just out from the fridge; really cold and smooth. Am i not supposed to be eating durians coz im breastfeeding. Oh Oh, too late now.
Been meaning to do some runs with alim at our always vacant carpark but he has been going and Ive been......well, busy.

Speaking of carpark, the things that take place at our almost secluded carpark can be pretty interesting. It always involves stationary cars with engines on, hazy looking windows, newspaper aligning every gap at the window and some disposed tissues on the floor.... We managed to sneak a peek once in a while but nothing we have seen is as interesting as what we have imagined. Hah!
Ok, moving on...

Here's a thought..what would you do, if you have a pet; say a monkey and there's just this particular trick that you want your monkey to learn but you are just not sure how to teach it. You have told the monkey repeatedly on how to do the trick but he just refuses. So you decide to send it to a professional to learn that trick. But your monkey is unhappy and is reluctant to go. Do you..
1) Tie a leash around the monkey and drag him there?
2) Tell the monkey, its your last dying wish for him to learn the trick?
3) Sogok the monkey; "If you go, I'll supply you with a lifetime of bananas?"
4) Forget about the trick and love the monkey for who he is, coz he is no less of a monkey if he doesnt learn the trick?

Thats a lot of 'monkey' for a short paragraph...anyway what Im trying to say is, sometimes monkeys have to listen to their masters, sometimes their masters just need to take time to listen to their monkeys? Understand? No?
Its not important anyway.

Its only 12 am,,,,theres still hope of me sleeping early tonite.:)
(maybe I should have named this entry Rubbish at 12 am)

Good nite!

Rubbish at 4am

Hello 4am..again!
This time of the morning, Im thinking of a long drive somewhere.
The kind of drive that requires maps and the unknown. I want to go on holidaaayyyyy, how many times must I sayyyyy. :P

WWW is my constant companion this time of morning. With time in my hands, its amazing the people you bump into in this digital world.

Maybe this is not a good idea afterall.

Anyway, i still cant believe the amount of tax I have to pay! and the last line in the tax letter read, "Thank you for contributing to nation building." Arrrghhhh!!

Alisha is babbling a lot. And her voice is as loud as her brother's. If not; louder! OH-OH! Is that my doing??

I spent on something I dunt need----again! Teach me some self-restraint please.But i look forward to going out tomorrow, just coz I want to bring it. Silly, stupid, yes I noe.

When Big Boss calls you and you are on leave, what do you say? -"Im on leave. Dunt disturb me!!!", "Nobody else ah?", "Is this urgent?" Wat???
You know wat I said, "Anything else, just call me" . I should go knock my head against some bricks now.

Irfan is such a good boy when we bring him shopping. He gets out of my way. I mean reaaallly out of my way. I tot I lost him again today.

And dats wat Im thinking about at 4am? Bah!

Rewind

Sometimes when my mind wanders, its surprising where it lands.
Being away from work and having slightly more free time always makes me think about things I shouldnt.

The last thing I have time for is nostalgia.
But it haunts me and the songs dont help.
Sometimes I wonder how I got here, from back in '99 and even before.

Theres just certain things which you can never forget even if you have not visited that memory for many many years.
Sometimes, all of a sudden, u land on a piece of memory and suddenly you can feel, smell and hear everything as if it was happening right now.
You remember every little detail there is; the colour of the wall, the song in the backgound, the clothes you were wearing..
And you recognise yourself all over again.

Truth is, theres just some things you can never forget.
Even if you think you have forgotten about them.

does that make sense at all? No? Its probably just my insomnia talking.

Anyway, on a lighter note,
Happy Birthday to the person I have always turned to all my life and who have always answered my stupid questions.

Sleepless

I cant seem to fall asleep these days. Alim, irfan and alisha are all sound asleep and Im still up, doing unimportant things and thinking about nothing in particular. For the past few weeks Ive been falling asleep at 3am and then I'll be up at 4.30am for alisha's feeding. At 7 am I'll feed her again and at 9am, its time for her to bathe. Surprisingly I dont nap in the afternoon, which means my sleeping hours are all whacked and Im not getting enough sleep. Sometimes I get groggy, but most times Im just in a blur. Breastfeeding and changing of diapers have become like an automatic reflex ; other than that, Id be rocking her to sleep, cuddling her or 'talking' to her. She takes quick napps in the day, 2 hours max and I cant really do much of other things. She doesnt like to be left alone and gets bored easily, which some say is typical of babies her age. So my days pretty much revolves around feeding, changing of diapers and putting her to sleep.

Seriously, Id rather be doing this for a while more. Although, I can feel my brain cells disintegrating on me and my body feels really lethargic from all that sitting down for feeding and rocking her to sleep. I dont feel like going to work yet for now. To get some fresh air and my mind going for a bit, I look forward to going out .with the two kids in tow of course. If I leave them, Ill be thinking about them endlessly, but when we bring them, there's more mess and hassle of course. But we always choose the latter..dunno why. Come to think of it, alisha sleeps longer when we are out and when we put her in the sling. Its the movement i guess. So actually its kinda easier to manage her when we r out. Which is good for my sanity.

The holidays end today and we didnt even get our passports stamped this june. Irfan seemed very contented staying home, glued to the TV, much to my dissatisfaction. But me, Im getting some sort of withdrawal symptoms....travelling is a difficult habit to kick. And this body is programmed to get away every 6 mths. But alisha is too young, and for her good, Ill wait it out. And I really need to curb on that spending anyway. With two kids and ageing parents, we need all the reserves we can get.

OK typing this is making me sleepy which is good, coz i need to sleep. I cant believe typing this is as boring as you reading it now. It cant get more boring then readin about ones sleeping habits, can it?. So i better stop the blabbering now. Maybe I should just stick to posting more pictures accompanied by skimpy words.

Ok goodnite.

Gloom



This photo was taken when we were in Sunshine Coast, Australia.
It's ironic. Theres no sunshine at all in this pic.
It mirrors the way i feel today.

But despite that, the tree stands tall amidst the dark, gloomy clouds.
The leaves will grow. With time they will.
And the grey clouds will subside.

Mugshots of the little brown bear

Brown cub will be turning two mths soon.
she's into a lot of cooing and smiling these days.
This one likes to be held, cuddled and entertained.




Luckily, we have a clown in the house.

Add some colour to your life.






I like to saturate his photos. And change all his colours.
And it will always come out distorted. I think I like them that way.
But on second thoughts, I prefer blacknwhite.


I dunno much about birds, but I hope you have learnt something, lil boy.

Flashback

Music has always been a central part of us.
'A reason to see you again' you said and I smiled.
The walkman, the CDs, the MDs, the ipods; we danced through time.
Every step of the history we made was accompanied by the playlist.
The playlist last nite.

It was all it took.
You were there, at every part.
I know I wasnt crazy coz only you share that piece of memory.
Of that playlist last nite.:)

A picture that speaks a thousand words.

Even after a long, exhausting day at work,
you give comfort to a little red bug,
who chooses the stinky smell of your worn-out body and tired hard feet
over the comforts of his soft, clean bed.
Always.





I'd choose the same too.
Always.

9th June 2009
My survivor

Congratulations on surviving one more year of your life, withstanding a house full of crazy people.
That definitely deserves a standing ovation and a celebration.

So today, we will celebrate you.
Happy Birthday, team mate.:)



P.S. Ten years since I board the train, and Im still in awe.
To you, who make this ride so fun
And so worthwhile.

The sunshine turns a month tomorrow.



Your smile makes me forget about last night:)

Daddy's boy
Of cameras..fast cars and guitars....

I want to dream just like you...



I want to play just like you...


I want to do what you do...



I want to be just like you.
So teach me daddy, Im yours...

Happy Father's Day (a real early one):)

The world is a wonder.
Get acquainted, my love.

Say u love me
and say no more.

you deal with the heartbreak everyday
knowing you are not the apple of his eye.

and u wish u didnt know
so that he will still be your number one.

its gone now. its gone.

I think all mothers who had just given birth should be whisked away to a relaxing, secluded resort for about a week to recuperate from their exhausting labour.

All i could think of the moment i stepped into my home after being discharged from hospital is to run off with the baby in my arms to a beautiful resort facing the vast blue sea where I coud just relax. Where i can have my daily massages whilst enjoying a nice cool breeze n hearing the waves crashing on the shores, with the open sea right in front of me.

Afterwhich, I have my balanced meal served to me in silverware so presentable that even ubat periuk can look appetizing.

Maybe throw in a facial or two, anything that pampers the worn out body and nourishes my well being.

Then have a lactation nurse on call to answer my neverending breastfeeding questions and give my breasts all the attention they need. Maybe a nursery room so pretty to welcome the lil babe with a paeditrician, a nurse and a helper just a call away. So anytime the baby is crying incessantly, the nurse or pd can just drop by to take a look to see if my paranoia is valid or im just going crazy.

A helper at my back and call would be great to throw away that diaper when im done changing the baby so that i can hold her immediately. or to hand me the tissue when my breast is leaking all over the baby's face...and all other stuff that saves me the time away from my baby so that I can concentrate on breastfeeding and cuddling the baby in peace.

And of course, one other important service; internet connection! What for, u asked? definitely not for work purposes to check edumail! For online shopping of course; where you can purchase the necessary nursing bras and tops and look for pretty baby clothes while you are it and maybe a designer diaper bag too :) All necessary, I swear!

Wouldnt that be a great post labour getaway? Im sure there's some resort like that somewhere.

But well, for now, i can just dream about the vast blue sea and move my butt to throw the diaper and grab the tissue. As for the pd, lactation nurse and helper at my back and call, I suppose I will just have to settle for my mum... hehhhee. She gives me advice on everything, though im quite sceptical about most of her bizzare theories.

One example would be wetting a tiny part of a tissue and putting it on baby's forehead to stop baby's hiccups. The connection between wet tissue on forehead and air in the lungs is really beyond me ...but her suggestions somehow are comforting to me, if that makes sense at all.

But on a serious note, she has been a huge help. I would have gone berserk without her to take care of me and handle irfan when ive had too much in my hands. I really dunno what I will do without her.

as for the online shopping. oh yes! that i can do!;)

Ok, I hear the lil one crying. Isnt it great to be a source of food for a human being. I feel so important! heh

Back to reality now. Till later!

Is that silence, I hear?
Below is a picture of PEACE.



It has been quite a chaotic first 2 weeks I must say. With 2 kids clamouring for my attention, I dont even have time to take a bath at times!
Looking like a hag and smelling of breastmilk 24/7, I just spend the day back and forth, back and forth attending to these two. Somehwere in between changing soiled diapers and answering irfan's neverending questions, day has turned into night. The hours seemed to whiz by, ever so fast!

Birth journal of the lil girl- for future reference, my aged mind tends to forget a lot these days.

6th May, Wednesday: had appointment with georgie and did a cervix check. she set a date for me for an induced birth next thursday if baby is still not ou by then.

7th May, Thursday morning: mucus plug came off followed by bloody show. Had a feeling the lil one is coming soon.

8th May, Friday morning, 9am: woke up with contractions. Knew it was contractions coz it was consistent. But the pain was still very mild and they were very far apart.
Messaged Alim, who was at work, to tell him we'd probably need to go to hospital later in the evening or Sat morning.

5.30pm: Alim came back from work. My contractions were getting stronger and nearer but still tolerable and more than 10 mins apart so i tot I'd wait it out. Tried to take my mind off the pain by keeping myself busy with irfan and walking around the house.
Alim and Irfan fell asleep. I figured alim better rest in case it would be a long dramatic night for us. So i waited for him to get up.

9.00pm: Alim's mum came to visit. Contractions was 7 minutes apart and the pain was making me grimace. So I knew I had to go to K.K. Was still quite reluctant to go. The pain was different from Irfan's. It felt more like someone stretching the veins till it almost snap on my upper thigh and back but I felt nothing on my tummy area.

10pm: Finally decided to go K.K. Said goodbye to Irfan and kissed him goodnight. He was upset to be left home and merajuk. Made me want to turn back and forget about giving birth but the pain was unbearable.

10.30pm: Reached K.K and sat in the car for a while. Very reluctant still. At that point I wasnt sure why but now, in retrospect i think i was afraid. I knew the pain I will have to go through during labour coz of my experience with irfan and Im not sure if i was ready.

10.30pm: Gathered my courage and went to delivery suite. They monitored me and found I was 7cm dilated. Wheeled me in labour ward. Prepped me up and they called Georgie. COntractions was 3 minutes apart and the pain almost killed me but didnt coz Alim took my mind off it by keeping me company. I dunno wat we talked about but it helped. Tried the gas but again, never got it. Mengumpat about the irritating nurse who was attending to us. Anything to take my mind off the pain.

11.30pm: Georgie came with wet hair. I askd her if she's from home. She said, "Yes. then from swimming pool?" and gave a silly laugh. Alim and I glared at each other. So like georgie to say sumthing like that. Wore her gloves and broke my water bag. Checked me and I am 10cm apart. Asked me to spread my legs and push. I chickened out and said I m not ready. Started to remember everything I went through with Irfan, got scared and said I needed some time. The irritating nurse turned pale coz she was afraid of georgie coz georgie told her to call only if I am ready to push.

12.00am: The nurse rushed me and told me to just push. I rolled my eyes at alim and we mengumpat about the nurse again. Suddenly the urge to push came and I felt like I just had to get this huge lump out of my system.

12.15am: Georgie came and I told her Im ready. Spread my legs and told me to push. So I did with all my might but nothing came out. Alim psychoed me with words I needed to hear..he always knows what to say to me to make my brain do what i dunt want to do.

12.38am: After a couple of pushes that sapped all strength out of me, her head popped out and soon her whole body just tumbled out. A huge relief off me!
Georgie gripped the head and pulled the whole body out and handed the baby to the nurse who handed the lil one to us. I remember thinkinng; " she's quite dark".
Then they took her back and weighed her; she was 3.2kg (luckily not heavier than the bro) cleaned and wrapped her before giving her back to us for that special moment.
All pain was gone!

12.45am: Georgie finished her job, did the stiches for me, took the placenta out and
cleaned up the mess. I dunt really want to see or know whats going on.

1.30am: They are satisfied with my condition. I am still alive, have not fainted or anything so they wheeled me to my ward. I just cant wait to get up there!
And the rest of my stay was just a lot of cooing over the lil bub and fussing over irfan who also slept over at the hospital for the second night.

Ok..that's about it. Luckily not much drama.
Alhamdullilah:)

Introducing my lil sister.



She is FINALLY here, after I waited so long for her. Every month I will ask ibu if it is May already and after some time, May came and my little sister was born.

This was how she looked like when i saw her at the hospital.
She was wrinkly and fat and her eyes were always shut.



here's how she looks like now.



I like to sing to her and clap my hands in front of her. I think her favourite songs are the Barney Song,Wheels on the Bus and sometimes Old McDonald. Every night, I will read a storybook for her. Most of the time she will sleep through it but Ibu said it's ok.

Some things have changed I think. Sometimes I feel sad coz I think I get scolded more often now. I try to remember what ibu tells me; to be gentle with her, to be careful when near her but i dunno why i keep getting into trouble.

I love my sister and Im soo happy she's here. I tell ibu that everyday.
The moment I get home from school, I will look for her and ask ibu what the baby is doing. Everytime she will be sleeping or drinking milk.
And I will always try to snuggle and sleep beside her.



My job is always to throw the water used for wiping her poo. Ibu said Im very helpful and Im a great big brother.

I bought my sister a pink playdoh that day but ibu said she's too little to play. The little T-shirt I chose for her from FOX is also too big for her so she cant wear it yet. Im waiting for her to grow bigger. There's so many things I want to play with her once she stops sleeping every minute.

So i guess this is how my family looks like now. If my teacher asks me to draw them I will have to remember to draw 4 heads instead of 3. :)



Till later. BYE!
Nur Irfan

mucus plug came off yesterday, followed by bloody show.
think georgie kinda pulled it when she checked my cervix on wednesday.
still having it now.
irfans delivery was two days after first bloody show, thank god for the entry in the blog, otherwise i wouldnt have remembered such details.

waiting for serious contractions to come. see glimpses of it but im waiting out for as long as i could before going to the hospital. with the temperature taking, the compulsory wearing of the stifling mask at hospitals now, as far as possible i would rather delay my trip there. wonder if i have to wear the mask while pushing too..heh.

My due date is next Monday, 11th, and so far no signs of labour yet. Nothing..Nada..
Just the usual crampy feeling which I dunt think counts coz it's so fleeting and the only reason i feel it is probably coz Im too free.

I have taken leave beginning last monday, to spend more time with the boy and clean up a lil here and there.

my last checkup with georgie was yesterday. We have set a date on the 14th may, thursday to be induced if the baby is not out yet by then. The baby is 3.4kg now, thereabouts and knowing that the baby is more than 3 kg makes me somewhat cringe.

She kept asking me how big irfan was and i have been telling her he was 3.74. I guess knowing that I managed to deliver irfan naturally made her think I have a high threshold of pain and really no major hurry to induce me. Actually I dunt really have a high threshold of pain, but more of a mentality of getting it over and done with, 'bear with it and hope it be over soon' kind but if possible, I really really rather NOT repeat the ordeal.

Being able to deliver a big baby before, alhamdullilah, doesnt mean I am capable of or I necessarily WANT to do it again. But heck, if that is what I have to go through again, there's nothing much I can do except go through with it.

She said its probably my diet that contributes to the size of the baby. And it has been the trend now for babies to be born bigger than usual. Recently my friend gave birth to a 4kg baby; normal delivery without epi..and she said it took forever for her to push the baby out and at some point she really could feel all her strength being drained out of her.

irfan came 2 days after his EDD and Im not sure about this one. I would say take your time, but dunt grow too big..but if you do, i hope Im given the strength to deliver you safely :)
Coz that's all I can hope for right now.

ive been home for the past few days...been feeling cramps and getting terrible headaches. My tummy will get extremely hard and the muscle pull is unbearable. I suppose these are just part of the 3rd trimester woes for this particular babe. Had no such problems with irfan, just remember feeling extremely heavy and lazy with him.

i have plenty to clear at work but looks like that have to take a back seat. I hope i dunt get any muscle pulls whilst Im in labour coz it sure makes contractions a lot more painful and i doubt i can push when part of my muscle is being twisted; every single move I make hurts. the pulls feel like those simpul biawak u get on your feet or calf but i get it at the side of my pelvis and for a few moments, I will be paralysed with pain, till it just goes away on its own. Imagine having that while you are pushing in the midst of tense contractions!

and of course, there's those sleepless nites that goes without saying. Im up every few hours to pee and i just cant sleep comfortably for some reason. My tummy is rather small and aside from the baby, I dunt think I have put on much weight on myself. My arms are just as skinny as ever and my cheeks did not become any chubbier, I think..so I dunno why im feeling extremely uncomfortable. AND Im always hot and bothered these days. Have to sleep with the aircon on and in class, Im just a wreck, feeling so warm all th time and every little thing gets on my nerves. Poor kids. Think they are glad Ive not been in sch for the past 3 days.

Oh well, guess all these are part and parcel of the final leg of my pregnancy. 3 more weeks to go...no clue if it is going to be early or later than EDD.
We have not figured out a name yet but i've chanced upon a name I reaaly liked and alim has one he likes too. so we probably just throw these two names together.
Actually Irfan has a name he liked too. And when we told him the names we have chosen, he scrunched his nose and said they were not nice. Too bad...he can have a chance to name his own kids when he grows up. By the way, the name he wanted was Mudalisa Atika. Hehhehe. :) I suspect he modified his friends' name.

I dunno how some parents can start all their kids names with the same letter, but we just cant find anything we like that starts with Nur or the letter 'I' to be consistent with Irfan's name. We did try but couldnt find anything. We probably should have planned all our kids names before giving birth to the first one...heh, but then again, we've always been weak in the planning dept. So I suppose there would probably be nuthing similar about irfan's name and his sister.

I know I have told myself not to buy any clothes for the little one till about a week before my EDD. That's what I did with Irfan. But I just cant resist! Went to FOX the other day to get irfan some T-shirts but my eyes drifted to the other section of the shop, all things pink, purple and white! So I bought a couple but none of them were pink, actually, except for this really cute tights with dark pink and white stripes. I probably dunt really like pink baby clothes as much as I thought. In fact other than the tights, I doubt she can wear the other stuffs I bought till she turned older. But they were irrestible anyway so I bought them just for the fun of it.:)

Ok, time to go. Counting down the days to 11th May, my EDD. :)

ok long entry alert.
if you have insomnia, this entry might just be your cure. :)

Life at 31
So im turning 31 this year and never in my wildest dreams would I tink that I 'll be a mother of 2 soon. Insyallah.
Life has been pretty kind so far and like always, I've always taken each day as it comes. Might not be the best way to live your life but honestly I did not plan for everything that I have now. I've never really had a goal or target in life for eg, to make that first million when Im 35 or to have 3 kids when Im 40. Some say, those who fail to plan, plan to fail. I suppose they are right but I think life is so unpredictable..maybe Im just to scared to raise my hopes and see my plans ruined. And one thing I know for sure about myself is that Im never ambitious.
So I came to adulthood with no expectations, no plans, no high hopes of being happy, successful or loaded.

But one thing I know is, Ive always been lucky. Lucky to be surrounded with people who have been my source of strength and motivation.
Looking back, my parents had neither the knowledge nor the means to educate me. They never supervised my school work when I was young, never bug me to do my work coz they were pretty much uneducated. I remember having to explain the contents of my report book to them every year coz they are not sure if I had done well or not. BUT they motivated me despite the limited means they have, encouraged me through words and above all, i know for sure their prayers was the only thing that kept me sheltered and blessed all these times.

Somehow or other, without any aim or direction, I made it to Uni. Like I said, I am lucky coz I have siblings who took the place of my parents and helped me every step of the way. I remember my sister buying me a set of encyclopedia on my birthday when she got her first pay.It was expensive and it was quite a huge portion of her pay. She was the one who fed me with endless storybooks and bought me all the collection of Enid Blyton books I had. She promised me that if I could go to Uni, she would bring me to Australia for a holiday. In the end, she didnt but somehow I wasnt disappointed coz I understood the intend behind it.

I also know for sure without my brother, I would probably have no one to guide me in my school work. he was 5 years older than me and at that time, to me, he was a fountain of knowledge. It's as if he knew everything, so much so that I believed him when he said he could transport himself to the sky.
I hung on to every word he said. I remembered when I first bought my school books in P1, he was the one who read the books to me and my sister helped me to wrap my books. He was also the one who set mock papers for me to do and mark them when I am done. At that time, everything was handwritten and he carefully chose the questions from my test papers and assessment books and wrote them in a form of a test paper. And when I cried coz I was cranky and tired and could not finish my art homework, he was the one who completed it for me so that I can hand it in the next day. I dont know if he could remember all these details now, but I would never forget them. Coz I know for sure, I would never have been here without them.

I was never the smartest, the most hardworking, the most creative or vocal but I have always been lucky.
WIth A level grades that barely made it, I was lucky enough to be accepted in Uni. I was never the brightest student, never talked so much during tutorials but I enjoyed writing essays. before I know it, 3 years have gone by, and there I am, wondering what to do with my life. I dont have a plan, a goal or an amibition but I had all these opportunitites presented to me in my hands.

For lack of better ideas, I decided to teach. yes, for lack of better ideas.
and i remembered wanting to buy time before I start working and the 1 year PGDE course with pay could give me that. My parents wasnt exactly young anymore and the source of income would surely help. I didnt have the luxury or means to go overseas or study for a few more years so i decided to go into teaching immediately.
I was met with a rude shock when I came face to face with the stress of the teaching profession especially in the most difficult beginning 3 years. I managed to survive and again, was lucky to have met someone who saw some potential in me and gave me an opportunity to carry out a position which i doubted i was capable of undertaking.

But somehow I survived with the help of my source of strength, whom I was destined to meet. Alim was there every step of the way and helped me in my work whenever he could. I remembered him helping me to prepare my materials for my lesson observation. using his fantastic artistic skills, he prepared so many of my teaching materials that everyone in school thought I had artistic flair, which I obviously dont. From cutting circles for lesson on fractions, to collecting leaves for my science experiment, he had done it all with me. I particularly remembered him accompanying me to Mustafa Centre in the middle of the night coz I suddenly remembered i forgot to by nuts to be used in school for racial harmony day celebration the following day. He has always been the one to sit through my series of complains and tears and urged me on when i doubted myself.

But I must say all that stress, sweat and tears at work did not actually go to waste. It paid for my wedding. I managed to save enough and used the hard earned money to cover all costs, every lil detail of the wedding... but of course was pretty sad when I saw all my money gone after the wedding. :(

I have always been lazy and laid back but work requires me to be out there and take up bigger responsibilities. I struggled and surprisingly did things which I thought I was never capable of. And now, 8 years on, at a different school, I see my work in a totally opposite light. Im still not ambitious, but I now see that my work is appreciated in my school and it does have an impact on the students and teachers. And knowing the tears and heartaches of the teachers who just started out, I could use my position to create a better place for them. Work has been good so far, still busy but Im happy to be surrounded by colleagues and most importantly bosses who care.

Im still with no ambition. Opportunities keep presenting itself, as if forcing me to go somewhere, pushing me in a direction I never plan for. I donno if I should limit myself to here and now coz I am just too lazy or to take up the challenge, grow and impact others. Honestly, I never thought my attitude is ever cut out for this. But I also know,there is a bigger force out there that controls everything that comes my way.

And now at 31, I must say Im comfortable and thankful. With so many things that can go wrong, they have always come out perfect. So for all that I have today, Im thankful to so many people who have brought me here.

I donno if they know or remember all that they have done for me, but for sure,
I will never forget every single detail of how they have played a part in my life. :)

Haji Lane with my constant companion





Whenever I look really down and upset, you'll ask me why I'm sad. And you'll ask me to smile. Sometimes you ask, "Is it me, ibu?" And I had to smile and say,
"No, it's never you, boy."
When I say Im sick, you'll constantly check on me and ask me if Im feeling better.
When we are late and the shop I want to go to is closed, you'll say
'Nevermind ibu, we'll try again tomorrow."
Once, when you saw tears in my eyes, you asked me, "Are you crying ibu?". Then I saw you looked around trying to find something to make me feel better. You picked a puzzle and asked me if I wanted to play. When I shook my head you looked around again. In the end, you took a tissue and gave it to me. You waited for me to wipe my tears, took the tissue and threw it in the bin."R u feeling better now, ibu?" you asked.
When you thought Im asleep (actually Im just pretending to sleep), you'd say,
"Goodnight ibu. I love you" and give me a kiss on my cheeks.
You'll always take everything blue and keep all things pink for me, just because Im a girl.

I teach you the alphabets, numbers and colours.
But I don't remember teaching you how to be sweet, coz honestly I don't know how to teach you that. I guess you picked it up somewhere. You are loud, boisterous, active. You never ever walk. You jump, hop, skip, run, everything else but take proper steps.But amidst all the craziness of being three,I suppose
you learn to care.

You'll always be our number one :)

about 10 more weeks to go before i deliver. insyaallah.
time sure flies. i have been rereading my past entries about my pregnancy with irfan, trying to recall and compare if both pregnancies are the same. but i realized i didnt have as many entries about the pregnancy as i thought.
from what i could recall, i didnt experience braxton hicks at all with irfan but I have been getting painful and uncomfortable 'muscle pulls' at the side of my tummy every other day with this one. I came to know that those pulls are actually braxton hicks and its purpose is to prepare your uterine muscles for labour. so its kinda 'practice' for your body to get used to the real contractions.

with the second one, Im also always craving for gassy drink, especially coke and i am less particular about my intake this time, downing just about anything from coke to coffee. This time round, I've also noticed that the baby is extremely active, very much more than irfan was. I don't know if all the sugar in the coke have caused that. But the movements are rather violent and very often which made me wonder what the baby is actually doing inside. It feels like the lil one is doing some 360 degree flips, kicking, shoving or punching endlessly, making me feel like she's dropping out anytime soon.

And yes, my gynae is super confident that the gender is not a mystery. It's a girl, she said very confidently, further adding that it's very obvious and pointed to some grey-blackish thingy on the scan that's supposed to be the female part.
So im a lil less skeptical now and told irfan that he's having a sister and not a brother. He seemed very fine with it, in fact just the other day, pointed out a tiny pink dress from FOX and said maybe baby will like it coz it's "pink and have some flowers."

I'm happy to know it's a girl of course, but surprisingly have not indulged in splurging on those adorable baby girl clothes I've been eyeing yet. I don't know why but I think I'd rather wait for a lil bit longer. Yes Im crazy like that.

So far im doing good but im beginning to have the jitters of labour and delivery. it was all good with irfan, but nothing is predictable and we will never know what will happen. I have kind of forgotten the pain of labour but in 10 weeks, like it or not, it will definitely come back to me, loud and clear!

Another worry is the second one will be bigger than irfan. According to my gynae and the websites I've read, this is usually the case with the second child. Irfan was 3.74 and I really dread the thought of delivering a baby any bigger than that! So my gynae has told me to cut down on all the coke and sugar to prevent the baby from getting so big. Oh my, just the thought of it, is sending shivers down below!

ok,ok I better stop now coz I can really go on and on about my labour fears. i suppose having experienced one birth before, albeit an easy one, does not help me at all in reducing my ever present paranoia. Im a real worry wart, ain't I?

Till later:)

December Drive in Queensland





The Brisbane-Gold Coast-Sunshine Coast drive in Dec reminded me so much of Great Ocean Road 5 years ago. Except, this time we had irfan to share it with. It's the same fantastic greenish ocean view and the waves crashing on the shores.
Noosa was very laid back and I will surely never forget the lunch by Noosa Heads.
For me, all i needed for this holiday was some fantastic view, a crystal clear lake to dip in which Lake Mckenzie provided and a clear sandy beach which the 4 wheel drive brought us to at Fraser Island.
And irfan had his fair share of excitement,at the theme parks and zoo; 'flying' on 'airplanes', dancing with sesame street, water play, meet-ups with Dora, Spongebob and feeding the traumatised kangaroos, koalas and baby crocodiles.

So thankfully, Im recharged now for school and second trimester has been a welcoming change from the rather bumpy first trimester. Time for work now. Looking forward to May.

Pictures

Picture,pls!

Oh how time flies...im in my 20th week already..5 mths!
Alhamdullilah the first trimester has ended with the baby still doing well albeit the hiccups and scares in between. Much to be thankful for and praying hard the 2nd and 3rd trimester will be fine too.
This time round, my stomach is rather small although I have gained quite a considerable amount of weight. I cant really remember how it was with irfan 3 years ago but i think i became really big only during my last trimester.
Had my fifth month detailed scan yesterday. Brought the lil one and he sat through the whole scan asking this and that. The sonographer was too serious and could not be bothered to layan him, so alim had to attend to his queries. And when the scan ended, the lil boy asked me, "Got baby picture or not?" The sonographer overheard this of course coz irfan always sounds like a loudhailer and i guess the sonographer tak sampai hati (either that or cannot wait to get rid of him!) and handed him two pictures, much to his delight!


"My ****** and me;)"

Not sure if he knows which part is which from the scan coz he always points out the wrong parts to me when asked. But he always asks my gynae for one everytime she scans me, just to add to his collection.

As for the gender, although the sonographer was pretty confident with what she saw (or didnt see:)and confidently told us the gender of the baby, i think i shall wait for my next appointment when the baby is bigger to take what she said seriously.
of coz, a girl would be great since naturally if you already have a boy, you would want a girl...but irfan is kinda hoping for a brother ...poor him, been telling everyone it's a boy.
for me, with the lost early this year and my crazy paranoia, honestly i will just be over the moon if everything goes well...

Just happy to know that the baby is doing ok so far and i m really hoping the rest of the 4 months will be just as good. :)

Tough love

Disciplining a child at any age is not an easy task, be it a toddler or a teenager. I come to realize that it is always about striking a good balance between putting the message across and dealing with the feelings at the same time.

Striking a good balance is not easy. While teenagers pose a different kind of challenge, my immeditate task now is handling this 3 year old boy now and showing him the right way to behave. On one hand, while I know positive modelling is essential in developing positive behaviour, I must admit I am not consistently a perfect model myself. Well, theory is one thing and actual pracice is a different ball game altogether. For example sometimes I catch myself yelling, although it's something I tell irfan not to do.

Teaching irfan the right way to behave can be a challenge at times. His typical response to us scolding him, would be to cover his face, break into sobs which gets louder by the minute and in between the desperate cries and unstoppable sobs, he will say these words,
" I love (sob, sob) you ibu." I friend (sob, sob) you ibu"..

By now his voice would have cracked and his words are broken and almost inaudible. His whole face would be red and tears will be running down his his red cheeks and equally red nose and lips. And softly he would say,
"I sor...ry (sob sob) ibu..."

Sometimes I wonder why he always says these words when scolded and I wonder, within his limited capacity, what does he actually understand by love and if we have made him feel insecure about how much we love him. Or could it be as a 3 year old , they are alreasy able to plan a scheming manner to act pathetic so that we can just gloss over their wrongdoings. Or maybe it's just me, paranoid over watching Anakku Sazali!" :)

At times, I just feel like hugging him and saying it's ok, I mean it's quite heartbreaking to hear his words in between sobs like that, but so far, we had always managed to stand firm and used the window before he break into sobs to explain to him what was wrong. I never knew it can be so hard to scold your child sumtimes until I become a parent myself. But I know giving in can be detrimental to the child in the long run and having a spoilt teenager might be a more uphill task than dealing with a toddler.

Most of the time, I realize they dont mean to behave badly, but they are not sure of the right way to get whatever they want, so while I say no you cant do that, I also have to teach him how to get what he wants the right way.
And one thing i have to constantly remind myself is that they are too little to learn immediately and will repeat the mistakes again n again, much to our frustration sumtimes.

Our typical response to his sobs and cries would be to ask him to stop crying and be quiet. Many times he doesnt and I will fume and would say, " You better stop now, or I will...." . At the back of my mind I know I have read somewhere that giving an ultimatum like that is not a good idea, but like I said, theory can go out of the window sumtimes.

Well, I suppose this is a struggle of a novice parent who reads too much! Hah!

And recently his reply to us asking him to stop crying is this , " I can't ibu (sob, sob), help ibu (sob sob), cover my mouth for me (sob, sob)."
Honestly, the first time I heard him ask me to cover his mouth i really feel like laughing out loud!Hehe.
BUt I did cover his mouth, and amidst the quiet, i could hear him trying his best to stifle his cries. Poor boy :(

Then it struck me! I was asking him to do the impossible all this time! When someone is sobbing badly and crying so much, one cant just stop automaticaly and immediately. What more a 3 year old who has limited control of how he feels. All this while, he really cant stop his sobs, and he couldnt tell me probbaly due to lack of words and his inability to express himself. and now that he can, his words are simple, honest and yet so true. he simply cant stop! i mean at least not immediately. But the point is, he did want to listen to me and stop but he doesnt know how, and to his simple mind, the solution is for me to cover his mouth!!

i made a mental note to remember that he is indeed only 3 and sometimes i do ask the impossible from him. Luckily he is able to talk now and expresses certain things, as simple and honest as he could.

Recently, irfan has been rather clingy to us and always wanting the attention from us, especially the daddy. Its probably coz, he has been spending a lot of time with us since he is also having his hols and i also suspect it probbaly has something to do with the other one coming soon.

Wanting attention is fine i guess, but we are still teaching him the better way of getting our attention as compared to whining and asking us to help in every other thing.

So till later, my on-the-job training of being a parent shall continue....

Tomorrow is Irfan's end of the year concert and he is performing. Im so excited, heh although I have no idea what exactly his item is about. He has been practicing enthusiastically at home, and as he twirled and clapped and hopped, i hear something about Hot Potato, Hot Potato amidst his singing and gigling. So i suppose his item is a dance about some hot potato. That's all i know.

Im sure tomorrow will be a chaotic affair as all students from all the different branches come together at DBS Auditoriam to perform. It's actually the end of the year concert cum graduation but all kids from preschool to K2 will be performing. So I can already imagine all the mayhem. I always wonder how the teachers manage to even teach the steps and rehearse with them coz I really doubt they can even stay in a line.

Irfan has been having on and off fever since Monday and has not been in school. I hope he will be 100% ok tomorrow to perform. And i do hope he remembers his steps coz he has not been practising for a week. His teacher said he is always over zeolous during rehearsals and I think I know very well what she means.

He was also supposed to wear some makeup tomorrow, powder, some lipstick, blusher ....so I told him that yesterday and he said he can't coz he is a boy and make up are for girls. Im not quite sure how to explain to him that this is an exception for a performance.

Well till tomorrow:) Think Im just as excited as he is!

We, the last minute people still have not decided where to go for the dec hols. Pretty usual, very typical, very common. With my unpredictable condition,it even adds on to our dilemma. Im not sure if i can withstand any flight more than 10 hours and if I can take all the sightseeing, milk making and luggage carrying involved in a holiday at a country of a very different time zone with a 3 yr old boy.

We have narrowed down and further narrowed down but as usual, reached no conclusions yet. I am more inclined to resting in my bed the whole dec coz really, my body feels like it. But it would be such a waste and not healthy too, i think. This would probably be our last holiday as a threesome and being able to repeat our June 07 feat would be great but my body is so not up to it.

So let's contemplate and further contemplate sumore, till the date draws near and then we make a sudden decision to go somewere, not even in our plan initially. That won't be a surprise.

On another note, got some gd news yesterday and hoping it remains that way. Some good news tug on your hearts so much that you want to celebrate it but not sure when is a ripe time to do it. So we shall let it be till more good news come and we cant contain ourselves anymore, and then it will be time.

Im not at werk today-again coz my body just refuse to cooperate with me. I dunt remember ever feeling like this with irfan. I dunt really know how to explain how I am feeling, just weak weak weak and to make it worse, im down with flu which I got from irfan. So work is taking a backseat right now, although that is really an impossible thing to do so Im basically doing what I can from home.

Ok im done.

Reminisce

Found this in one my folders, taken 2 years ago. I almost forgot the time when he walked all wobbly..so innocent, so harmless...
Sekarang..haiz..dah macam monster kluar kandang.

Think he was 11 mths or so...



:)

The boy's preoccupation with my tummy

In the past, when Irfan was still in my tummy, his daddy used to talk to him as much as he could.
Now, ever since I first told Irfan about the baby, he has been the one who talks constantly to the real tiny life inside. My tummy hasnt shown much yet but that doesnt seem to stop Irfan from checking on the lil one every now and then. He talks to the lil one every night, without me telling him to, sometimes just a loud "hello baby" and quick peck before running off to god knows where.
At times, he will rest his toy on my tummy and tells the lil one how special his toy is and what it is capable of doing. But amidst his entusiasm, he has many times, sat on my tummy, accidentally kicked it and plonked his toy too hard on it. And I have to constantly remind him to be gentle.
A few nights ago, he pasted a pokemon sticker on my tummy and said that one is for the baby. ANother time, he insisted that I eat his pretend playdoh food and when I refused he said the baby will be hungry if I dunt.

I think he badly wants a sibling:)

The previous trip to the gynae, she gave Irfan the scan pics. he took it, looked at it and then asked the doc, "Is baby ok?". It sounded weird coming from him cos there's an air of concern there which I never expected a boy of 3 to have.
The doc told him baby is fine and he gave her a nod and a big smile. Such a copy cat he is, I think he heard me asked the same question the last time I met the gynae and I think I smiled too when she said the baby was ok.

Sometimes, when Im in the toilet, he has this habit of just opening the door and checking what Im doing. I have to admit, because of what happened previously, now, each time I feel some pain, I would immediately check for any bleeding, spotting or strange discharge. And sometimes Irfan will walk into the toilet, sneak a peak, looked a lil alarm and ask me, "Got blood or not? Is baby ok?"
I never really explained to him what happened previously but he did know that I was very sad over what happened. He had also seen some bleeding the other time and saw my alarm and reaction to it. he did ask me what happened and I remembered telling him that I was sick. I didnt say anything about a baby.
But I guess he knows the sight of blood is a sign of something bad happening to the baby. And somehow, he has picked up on my worry and fear n constantly asks me if the baby is ok.

So nowadays, everything is really about the baby to him. He sees me eating something that looks red and spicy and asked me what if baby pedas. He lies down on my tummy to watch T.V and hears my stomach gurgling and says" Eee..baby kuntut(that's how he says kentot)!" I eat an ice-cream and he asks me if baby will get a cough from it...and the list goes on.

So now, more for the sake of Irfan, I hope all goes well. I really do.

I guess when you are expecting, people around you are always showing concern and be nice to you..But I least expect it from this 3 yr old boy. It's nice to have your lil boy show so much concern over you, in his own childish way. For as long as I am still the apple of his eye, I will relish the moment for as long as I could coz Im quite certain that one day,years from now, his mommy will take a back seat in his life.

Been a while since I updated this space.
Actually there were many things worth penning down here coz it has been a rather eventful few months. Happy moments, heartbreaking ones and then there were the dull 2 weeks of nothing but bed and ophrah. Luckily the lil one is around to bring some life into my very lazy 2 weeks.

So anyway, highlights include the lil one's birthday, my birthday, hari raya, some wonderful news and then, the 3rd farewell for the year. Significant events that celebrates life, dealing with death and stuff in between; all rolled in 2 months. Yes, been pretty busy.

Some pics of happy moments cause they are so easily forgotten. Sad moments are etched deep inside and there's really no need for pictures coz I can see them clearly even when there's nothing concrete to hold on to.

This is a real belated entry on Irfan's brthday last month.
The lil one loves birthdays so much, so although Im kinda lazy to invite so many people over, as it was the fasting month anyway, nonetheless we decided to go crazy with this one, but still keeping it a small and cosy affair.
He was excited as he always is, not much of his reaction to birthdays has changed since his first birthday, making me wonder if he will ever get sick of blowing candles and singing birthday songs.




Waiting for everyone to gather and sing his bday song.

Thomas here, Thomas there, Thomas everywhere. From Thomas cake, tablecloth, balloons, cups, goodie bags, Thomas party hats and EVEN self printed Thomas T shirts for everyone! Even my dad and mum wore the T-shirts , can u believe it? I can't believe it ...hmm wonder whose idea it was?!





See the T-shirts? Hehe funny rite?
And like every year of his birthday, Irfan is having a big smile plastered across his face. That is perhaps the biggest motivation to do crazy things like buy plain T-shirts, print design and iron them on for about 10 people! Otherwise who would have bothered! Oh Im sorry, someone WOULD have bothered, look at another over zealous person in the pics, with the big smile plastered across her face too. Banyak nah idea dia..deprived childhood tak?



Till next year:) Keep the smile plastered and the enthusiasm going for as long as you can, lil one!

I don't ever remember specifically teaching irfan any of these things...so i really wonder where he gets these ideas from...he surprises me with his ideas...maybe it's from school or tv,...im not quite sure.

Incident 1

yesterday we saw a heavily pregnant lady and i was just curious what was going on in irfan's tiny lil head. so I asked him,

ME: What's in her tummy?
IRFAN: Baby
ME: How is the baby going to come out?

I had expected him to say something along the lines of cutting open the tummy and extracting the baby...but he surprised me with this answer:

IRFAN: Come out from a big hole

ME: Hole?which hole?where is the hole?

IRFAN: Hole where the ibu kencing. Can ibu? can come out from there or not?

not quite sure what to say, i just nodded and said, "yah...something like that...hey look what's that? " and quickly changed the subject before he starts firing me with more questions, like he always does.

Incident 2:

We were watching Animal Funniest Videos on tv and they were showing some pigs doing something funny..and Irfan out of the blue , dengan bersungguh-sungguh said,

Irfan: Ayah, we cannot touch pig, you know!"

Alim: Why not? Is it dirty?

Irfan: Cause...later Allah ANGRY!

I looked at alim and asked " did you teach him that? Coz I sure didnt" alim said no. MAybe he learnt it in school ...but we often tell him that we have to pray coz later allah angry, but not about touching pigs....

Then alim asked: How about dogs? Can we touch dogs?

Irfan: ( starts thinking. i can almost see his lil brain ticking) Dog, CAAAANN.

Alim: Why?

Irfan: Coz dog good boy...dog can play with irfan..dog can help irfan..I like dogs, ayah. Can buy?

We left it as that and didnt bother to correct him, coz i honestly dunno how to explain to a 3 year old why we can't touch dogs. If I were to say later allah angry, he will definitely ask me why...and I wouldnt know what to say.

Actually, it's no surprise that he views dogs as friendly creatures coz almost all children's books portray dogs as childrens' best friends. He has books which show dogs playing with lil boys and girls, fetching toys and licking their faces in delight. So i guess, that's where he got the idea that dogs are fun to have.

As he gets older, I also noticed he's becoming more sympathetic to others and has shed some of his egocentrism. He tries to cheer people up when they are down and again, I dunno where he learns them from. I dunt remember doing this to him or to anyone around the house so i doubt its from modelling.

Incident 3

Irfan: Ibu, why your face like that? ( pulls his lips down to show me a sad face- which, by the way was really funny!)
I didnt even notice he was looking at me and i didnt even realize that my face was showing how i was feeling. I was unhappy with something but didnt know my face was showing.

In no mood to reply, I just kept quite. He came close to me and looked straight into my eyes and asked again" Why ibu? Are you ok?" N nod nod his head. By this time, I wanted to laugh but played along, and showed an even sadder face. After all, it's not always that I get this much attention from anyone. Heheh.
After a few moments of looking symapthetically into my eyes,
he said, " Smile ibu, Big smile like this." and he gave me the biggest smile ever.

The first time he ever did that to me, my heart melted till it flooded my house!! I guess its true kids are really very sensitive to our moods and they can tell if you are unhappy or not. It's really nice to have someone try to cheer you up like that.

On another occasion, well, ok, I do get my bad moods a lot at times, so he asked " Ibu, why your face like that? (and again, pulls his lips down to show a sad face). " Who disturb you, ibu?" Just for the fun of it, I pulled an even longer face and said, "Ayah! Ayah disturb me." Hehe.

He stood up, marched over to alim, who was in the toilet, happily minding his own business. Irfan came up to him, started cekak pinggang and with an almost defeaning voice said , "AYAH! Why you disturb ibu? Say sorry now!"

Of course, alim ignored him, knowing that it must be one of my silly ideas.
I couldnt help but laugh and that must have confused irfan a bit. Anyway, isnt it nice to have someone blindly stand up for you like that!!:)

I guess 3 year olds are smarter than we think. We dunt have to teach them for them to learn, they just pick everything and make their own conclusions. They probably have formed these ideas in their heads a long time ago, but only now, they are able to verbalise them. The questions are coming fast and getting more difficult for me to answer. Most times, I dunno how to simplify the answers to a level of a 3 year old. Once, just for experimental sake, I answered him using proper sentence, proper terms, like how I would explain to an adult. I am very sure he doesnt know what I am saying, and almost half of the words he has never heard before. After the 'cheem' explanantion, he kept quiet, looked at me and finally said, "Ohhh" and barely a second later, asked" Why ibu? Why like that, ibu?" Why?" Not knowing what to say, I revert to my "Hey look, what's that?" strategy and changed the subject. Luckily, he's easily distracted.

I find it really fun finding out what he is thinking and expeimenting with his thought processes. Of course, sometimes, he will give me silly answers which I never quite figure out. And at times, he is just so impossible, that I feel like tying him up to a tree. But most times, he is always there to brighten up my days. :)

Been a good, fruitful week...
got many things done!
brought irfan to watch thomas today. of course, he was super excited, despite it being his nap time.
before we left, i vaguely remember him putting something in my bag and saying something about wanting to give thomas a present.
in the middle of the show, thomas appeared and the lil fella was super excited, reached for my bag and asked for the present. for a while, i didnt know what he was asking. he dug my bag and took out this.



to me, it was just a piece of paper and i thought he took my mess of receipts in my bag, by mistake. but he held on tightly to it and asked, "When can i see thomas and give present?"
"later, and are you sure that is the present for thomas."
"sure," he replied.

of course, the show ended without us having a chance to see thomas up close, much less give thomas any presents. once the curtain closed, the lights came on and that was it.
he was dissapointed at first but as usual, we managed to distract him with something else.
soon he forgot all about it. kesian tak kesampaian nak kasi present.

later, in the car, he fell asleep and the paper fell and i was telling alim, it's funny how a folded paper like this can be a present for thomas. alim told me to open it and look inside.



haizz...kesian. he had actually wrapped the dolphin he made earlier, thinking that he would give it to thomas later.
i can imagine his lil hands putting the dolphin carefully inside and folding the paper one side at a time, hoping thomas would like it.

and there i was thinkin that it was some piece of trash in my bag. shame on me!

earlier in the day, he had shoved me a blank piece of paper and asked to make a dolphin. i was doing something else so alim attended to him and i guess he helped draw the dolphin and cut it. i was too busy to notice him wrapping the dolphin and wasnt paying attention when he was explaining to me about the present. Actually many times, I have caught myself doing a million and other things when he is talking to me. But then again, he doesnt seem to mind coz he always goes on and on all the same.

Too bad thomas didnt get the carefully wrapped dolphin. Think I'll keep it in my bag for a while. And maybe lie to him that I have passed the present to thomas and that thomas loves it very much?!

That's what mothers do right? Do a white lie once in a while...

Saw two funerals this year. For a long time, I've always said that I have 4 sets of grandparents..I have MANY grandparents, I used to say.
But this year, the number has significantly reduced. Like I said i saw 2 funerals this year and this year has not even ended yet. 2 funerals are too many.
I think I wrote an entry here somewhwre about how each of my grandparent is going through old age. Well, two of them have succumbed to their illness and passed.
To me, it was quick. It was so sudden. But in actual fact, so many years have gone by since their illness was first discovered. It's true, we are so caught up in living, that the years seemed like minutes till the minutes actually end.
It's funny how it seemed like it just took a minute for the person to disappear from the face of the earth. But the loss is forever.

I cannot ever imagine the devastation of losing someone I hold so dearly. I went to the grave and saw rows and rows of names. I'm sure each of their passing, has broken someone's heart.

It made me wonder. How many hearts were broken, when the sand covered her that gloomy, rainy evening when we bid her goodbye?

And how many realized and understood the last lesson she taught us when she passed? How many actually learnt from it and seize the opportunity to have a second shot at being better?

May her soul rest in peace. May she always be loved and remembered. For me, I will always remember her as a funny grandma, always with a kiddish laugh, red lipstick and overpowdered face. :)

You will be missed.